Help with Boundaries and Other Moms

Sounds good! I unconsciously did this awhile back because I was watching everyone elses child, pet, whatever (including families) but when I needed help either no one was available or they'd say yes and forget or make plans at the last minute leaving me stuck and unable to attend Drs appts let alone fun things. After I did that I found a few friends I can count on as much as they can count on me so I do watch their kids from time to time as they do mine.

Part of the reason I keep myself and my kids so busy is to avoid 'other moms' and all the drama that comes with them.
My kids have friends. They are from their activities. I know if I need help, they would be available, as would I for them.
Part of the beauty of having 3 kids is that my SUV is usually full with them and their gear! Lol! But, I am able to make room if needed. :)

Is the question whether or not these boundaries sound fair and reasonable?

Sure. They sound fine to me. Perhaps a tad restrictive. Using absolutes like "never" or "always" rarely works when people are part of the equation.

But...I would keep your eyes and heart open to the 2-3 families that you get to know really well. These are the families that maybe have the same lifestyle as you and approach parenting, etc. in a way that is similar to you. And then let down your boundaries for just these families. You do not want to close yourself off from new adult friends. You do not want to close off your children's opportunity to make some "best friends" with whom sleepovers, etc. work well. Plus, you may find yourself in a bind one day and need help with a drop off/pick up, etc. and then you will have a couple parents you know you can turn to.

I hope you don't need help one day. Someone to watch your children, pick them up, help them with something. Carpooling, playdates, sleepovers, parties...all things that are part of childhood. I don't know. I read this and just got a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe you could have those rules for those two moms that are driving you crazy instead of putting all moms off.
L.

I think I understand how you feel but I'm not sure what your question really is. So I'm responding as if you are asking what I do about boundaries.

I have a friend that takes advantage of me on occasion, they are a bit oblivious to it, I really don't think they think about it at all, so I do have to say "no" on occasion just to keep the respect in check. I usually just say something like "oh no I can't this time" sometimes I offer a reason, sometimes I don't. just depends on the situation. sometimes my kids don't get it and I have to answer their questions too but most of the time I just say "no"

As far as kids with behavior problems, that's a difficult one, because that is the parents fault not the childs, and sometimes the child just really needs someone to show them love that they can't get anywhere else. So that would have to be something I'd have to really look into, then decide if I can help or not.

one thing I have learned is that I don't have to give other people the REASON for my decision, I just say "I can't" and change the subject or walk away, most people wont ask why, and if they do I still don't have to answer I just say "I can't, I have other plans" and I never answer the question... "what are you up to?" if someone asks I usually just say, "why what's up?" thus never leaving myself open to "can you do this for me"

It's okay to say no to things. You don't need to give reasons. And just because you say yes once doesn't mean yes always.

I find that being flexible is key - there might be a day when you need a favor from another mom and they'll refuse because of your rigidity.

Just a thought.

Dear S.,
You get to choose! It's your life, your schedule, your kids, your house. Do what works for you. I think it's great that you are thinking this through and even writing it out to help you process it. It's so much better to set your boundaries and decide for yourself, than to let other people take advantage of you and feel used and then complain. It took me awhile to figure that out!

boundaries are important. i have to have 'em because i get depleted fairly easily by other people and am generally happier alone or with 1 or 2 good friends. learning to say no or define what one's participation will be is an excellent skill to develop.
it sounds as if you have allowed yourself to be pushed too far, and your response is to slam on the brakes for everything. if you're not willing to open up and give people a chance, you'll find yourself more and more isolated and that will affect your kids.
balance is the key. you can refuse to let yourself be taken advantage of while still being warm and helpful to that mom who might just really need that hour of having her kid watched at the pool so SHE doesn't have a meltdown, ya know?
khairete
S.

Setting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships and I think it's great that you are doing that. The hard part, of course, will be sticking to your guns, bc to some people any little thing could constitute an emergency that requires your assistance.

What I'm thinking is "wow, things must really be out of hand!" That's a shame. I forget where I heard it, but I'll surely never forget it, esp when it comes to these things: You teach people how to treat you. When you've been manipulated by others, it can be very difficult to backtrack and set boundaries because they WILL be tested.

Good for you and good luck!

Is your question whether or not these are good boundaries to have?

It sounds like you feel taken advantage of by a couple of people and it's made you no want to do anything for anyone. Honestly, from the little bit of information provided, it feels like some of your boundaries are a little short sighted and stand-offish. What's wrong with telling other moms what your kids are signed up for in the summer? What's wrong with sleep-overs? How about a rotation on driving kids to activities? I'm sorry if I sounds critical, I guess this seems like all or nothing to me.

You are definitely right about some people taking advantage of you if you say yes to everything. Some people are just that way and it's important to have good boundaries for yourself. But don't limit yourself from making really good relationships with the ones who can help you out in a pinch if you need it too. I think it also sets a good example for your kids to see that people working together can be a good thing.

Good luck~

S., your additions to your original post were very helpful to clarify. I think your boundaries are great. It's sounds like you've thought out what works for you and for your kids. Don't let the pushy Moms make you feel bad about saying no. Stick to your guns Mama... Bravo!

That pretty much sums up my boundaries.

There are people that take and take and take, and if you're a natural "giver" it becomes a burden.

YOU need to say no. It's easy once you do it!

sounds like you need new friends!

eliminating all of this will make your life easier & happier....until your children are older. Then it will become an issue. Sleepovers are very important to most kids.....fun, fun stuff can happen then. It's incredible to watch the bonds made thru these events!

Hopefully, once things calm down & the "using" cycle is broken, then your children will be able to enjoy some of these fun things again.....

I think if you need these boundaries to be happy and safe then its' good you have outlined them for yourself.

I didn't read into it that you would never bend these rule for true friends, but i understood it more as in order to break the cycle with the few that were abusing, you need to start with a clean slate and rules and then when you get to know people as being honest, trustworthy and having similar parenting styles as yourself, THEN you would revise these boundaries.

I wish i had someone to share carpooling with, but i have to say it seems like the responsible parents have their stuff together and while it would be nice for them they don't need it. it's the ones that i wouldn't trust to drive my kids that have asked me to take theirs. Its hard navigating the mom/friend field. My kids are so important to me and the few mom's i've met with similar ideals i really treasure. I"m sure you'll find some too.

If you need us to say "Yes these are reasonable boundaries" they are.
If you need to say more than NO you could say "No, we have other things to do before and after" sounds like these are boundaries you should have set up a long time ago. I usually have a mutual relationship with one other parent and we help each other out.

I would just have play date like you said, 2 or 3 hours. If kids are constantly coming your way and never go to the other's house then I would write the next email about getting together like "My Johnny would really like to have a play date at Jimmy's house for a change. When would be a good time?". You may have to get more blunt. I was a stay at home mom and there was one particular neighbor who would see us in the yard and constantly dump her daughter on us since she had to "run an errand" and then not come back for 3 hours. I finally put my foot down and told her we obviously do not communicate well and that I no longer wanted to watch her daughter for any length of time. Some people are just users and will never reciprocate. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You will set a good example for your child as well if you can do it in a courteous yet firm manner. Kids pick up so much stuff you aren't even aware they are listening too.

I hear ya, and wanted to say good for you! It's OK to just say "no" I'm not up to taking extra kids right now. You don't even have offer any explanation beyond that. If neighbors or kids just "see you outside" and invite themselves over, you can say, "I'm sorry, we are only wanting Billy to have one friend over at this time, maybe he can play with you later, or this weekend" It's common "Mom conversation" to ask about what all your kids are signed up for this summer. Often times, I just answer "I don't know for sure yet" if I don't feel like sharing that info, and sometimes you just don't, because you'd prefer a little space from certain people.

Being up front and honest from the get go is always the best thing to do. You can tell people about ALL the activities and just add "but I dont drive any one elses kids, ever".