Help with 3 Year Old Behavior

Hi S.,
I have a three year old boy and I know where you are coming from. I have two older boys and I know from them that it is a phase and it will pass. This doesn't make it any easier. For me, taking away favorite toys helped. It took a while but that was what seemed to eventually get through to them, so that is what I am doing consistantly with my three year old.
I know that a lot of the experts will tell you to remove them from the situation and refocus their attention on something else. I STRONGLY disagree with this method because they are not learning anything by it. It is a quick fix and you are never really addressing the problem and teaching them that their behavior is unacceptable. Hang in there! I really believe that three is far worse than two, but it does get better.

My 2 1/2 year old has been having problems with pushing lately, and I recently learned that hitting, pushing, and biting show up a lot in kids who had delayed language skills, which my son did. This didn't help me deal with it (time outs seem to be ineffective for me, too), but it did help me to understand and get less frustrated. He isn't necessarily mad at the person he's pushing (usually his little brother, but sometimes other playmates); he's just got a lot of pent-up frustration because his thoughts are way ahead of his ability to express them. We've seen a language explosion in the last couple of weeks, and the pushing is lessening.

I don't know whether this applies to your situation at all, but even if you don't know the reason for the hitting, it might help you to deal with it if you try not to take the hitting personally. Also, I was advised to keep going with the time outs even when my son is smiling and seeming to think it's a game -- the important thing is to change the subject and redirect his energy from pushing. We didn't see any immediate results from time outs, but perhaps they have worked incrementally, because we are seeing better behavior, slowly.

hi S.,
Have you tried to tell him that if he is going to be like that he needs to go to his room and do it? It sounds odd but I have a friend who's now 4 year old still does the screaming, crying, and tempertantrums. I got to the point that I informed her that she can go to her room until she is done with the tempertantrum and then try it again. I had to physically take her in there the first few times but now she has reconized what she is doing and runs to her room on her own. She may slam the door but as long as you can still hear her she does her thing, comes out and approaches the issue differently. It seems to give her the chance to problem solve issues on her own that way.

I have a 3 3/4 year old boy who was an easy, verbal, happy two year old. Then we hit 3! He argued, debated, and seemed to think that he was my peer. I barely enjoyed him and it made me so sad. We did time outs, took away toys, praised good behavior, stuck by our limits, calmly explained our expectations and sometimes just yelled. Nothing seemed to work. He was so moody each moment could bring a change. Finally at around 43 months old, he was back to normal. Most of my friends went through the same thing with their children. The better the twos the worse the threes. He will be four in November and is a happy cooperative big brother to 9 month old twins who brings joy to us again. Keep doing what you are doing....it will pass!

Sounds to me you are doing the right thing. I do however understand you aggravation with it. My son throws tantrums & hits too & it drives me crazy but he is only 21 months old.
I say keep up with the time outs. Make sure it is in a corner or on a mat (like you see on Nanny 911) or in his room without anything "fun" for him & keep him there for 3 mins.
If he gets out put him right back & keep it up don't give up. Each time you put him back don't talk to him just put him there & walk away. Then after the time out talk it out with him get down to his level & both of you talk about it.
Kids want to be heard! Also the more you "lose" it the worse the whole situation will be.
I have not finished reading this book but what I have read is great & perfect for 3 years & up. It is called Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim & Charles Fay, Ph.D.
www.loveandlogic.com

My son will be 3 in a month. He exhibits many similar behaviors. When he becomes angry or frustrated, he often hits/bites/scratches or will become otherwise very physical. He also has some raging temper tantrums, as well as some more mild ones (but still, a tantrum is a tantrum!). So, I feel your pain! Unlike another post I just read, my son was not a late talker... if anything he was and is a very early & a very verbally communicative child. I think a lot of this has to do with their age, and despite their verbal abilities, the issue is they become so overhwhelmed by their emotions, they don't know how to deal in the moment. We try all sorts of things, sometimes something will work, another time, that same strategy gets us no where. Lots of trial & error.

A few things we do - after a warning or 2, we take away a priviledge (in his case, he loves 'Curious George' after 'school', so that is a big one). Even after he's apologized, calmed down, etc. we don't give in. We redirect & get him engaged in legos or puzzles or something. When he's getting fired up we remind him to 'stop & think.' That actually helps sometimes... We tell him he needs to try and stay calm & use his words. We also try to empathize with him about whatever it is he's upset about... a lot of time I find he needs to be validated. Like if he is whining/crying/screaming "I want chocolate milk" or something I will say something like 'Yes I hear you, I understand you want chocolate milk... but first we need to... or you need to..." whatever. Like I said, sometimes these things work, other times they don't. I hope some of this was helpful. We do time outs too, or try rather... And we do time ins too, where we sit with him and get him to take deep breaths with us. Again, when the tantrums are full throttle, you kinda just have to let them run their course... and intervene as they're winding down to get him engaged. Lots of positive reinforcement for good behavior too :)

Good luck!

My 2yo does the same thing. Laughing at me for getting angry. Biting, hitting screaming. He loves to screech in restaurants.
The most amazing thing I ever saw was at daycare. He was climbing & standing on a chair. His teacher very calmly and disappointedly said, "Oh, Patrick." then shook his head. My kid sat down immediately. I had never seen such a response from my little monster.
I've started trying something similar at home. Punshment to him is a game, one he likes! So I try to remember not to play the game. He hates feeling left out, so if.. when he bites his brother I turn my back on him and comfort the crying 3yo. He gets it. Don't think that he doesn't.
Good Luck,
C.

I don't have a lot of advice, but just to let you know that I am also finding age three way harder than age 2! My daughter doesn't hit, but does throw her fair share of tantrums. It is helpful to head them off - lots of warning about transitions, really clear expectations, clear consequences. For example, she always wants to get out the play-doh and then wants to direct me making things for hours! (fun once, every day not so much). When I tell her that I'm not going to do it - meltdown. Now I don't take out the play-doh without explaining clearly how much I'm going to make for her, and that if she freaks out about it the play-doh just goes away. It normally only takes one warning at the beginning of a tantrum and she stops.

I've given up trying to reason with her either in "the naughty spot" or when she's melting down. I just say "when you calm your body, I can come back and play with you, talk with you, etc." It's helpful for me because I've explained that I'm walking away, which helps me not lose my cool. If she wants to flail around on the floor crying for a while, that's her perogative. She's actually gotten pretty decent about calming down and asking for a hug, and then getting over it. I don't know if any of this is helpful for you, but she's being going through this on and off for about 6 months, and I hope that soon we're done with it too!

sounds like my three year old! He is the oldest but I have tried all that you mentioned and still have days where he has his fits and days he seems to just not listen.
I will be looking to see what others say.
I have tried taking things away that he likes (ie his trains or a tv show) and having him earn them back at a later point in the day or if they occur in the evening then they are gone until bed or tomorrow. It has helped but I still have moments that even if I get to yelling, he just does not seem to get it together. So, I am working on not yelling (as I really did not want to do it to begin with) and trying to find ways to redirect his day and find things for him to do. I am finding boredom is a big factor and that he really needs a bit more of a structured day. He loves to know what is going on allllllll the time. So I try to explain the day to him and what is coming up. I find he has a loooootttt of energy and this is a common thread with boys so I am trying to work with that....I just did a tunnel with a card table the other day and that helped change up the day and then the kids had a picnic under it....I am slowly stashing things in my back pocket or up my sleeve (so to speak) to have a back up plan. I try to take tios from family that are always so good at the 'games' and 'fun stuff'.

Hi S.,
Some advice that I received from an “older mom” (probably more than 10 yrs ago at this point) still rings very true in our home. It seemed oversimplified when I received it but is likely the best parenting advice I’ve gotten. It was this—“understand that you are the parent and he is the child.” What this has meant in our home is that certain behavior isn’t tolerated. We have three children, ages 14, 4, and 2 and I can honestly say that we’ve experienced only one tantrum in our 14+ years of raising kids. The first one tried it once in a store (maybe 11 or 12 yrs ago) and it didn’t work out too well for her. It hasn’t been an issue since. Respecting our parental authority isn’t optional either. You know your children better than anyone else and are in the best position to determine what the consequence is for your child not staying within his boundaries; however, I suggest that you establish that you’re not one of his friends or even his brother. You are his mother and he needs to understand, respect, and abide by the rules for a number of reasons. Children are first taught boundaries and to respect authority in their homes. If they ignore these teachings in the home, they will likely have problems transitioning to a classroom setting. More importantly, if they do not get this foundation early, it will be hard to break the pattern later. I would also ask if you and your husband are on the same page in terms of what is appropriate behavior. Do your discipline styles reinforce each other or undermine each other. Children are brilliant and will pick up on any cracks in the armor of a united front.

Another consideration is that he may feel like the middle child as you care for your nephew full time. He may be “acting out” in an attempt to get your attention. Is there in correlation between when you started caring for your nephew and when his behavior changed? I find that we spend a lot of time reinforcing for our 4 year old her place in our family. We call it MCS—middle child syndrome :-). However, we don’t reward bad behavior by giving her attention because she acts act. We let her know that if you need attention, extra hugs and kisses, someone to play with you etc., the most effective way to accomplish that is use your words. Crying, whining, etc are not acceptable forms of communication and will only cause you to be sent to your room.

The bottom line is that our children have the options we create for them. Respecting your authority and responding in obedience shouldn’t be optional. I’ve told my kids (and sometimes my husband… lol) for years that we can do things the easy way or the hard way but the outcome will be the same. More often than not they opt for the easy way! I’ve found that once I understood the relationship between me and my children, I gained incredible peace because it was not longer a battle of wills. Respect and obedience simply aren’t optional in our home.

Lastly, it sounds like you spend the majority of your time with the kids. A change of scenery every once in a while is good. Treat yourself and schedule some time by yourself or at least without the kids on occasion. Give them a chance to miss you; they’ll likely appreciate you even more. I hope you’ll find something helpful in what I’ve shared and know that they don’t stay this age long. In a few short years you’ll look back and miss this time despite the challenges :-)!

You are a busy "mom", i would instill the manners and the behaviors all at once..they usually go hand in hand

First clean out the room of all toys/crafts...We put everything in different clear totes and we would use manners and good behavior hand in hand to reward with the time to play with a toy or craft..it took alittle time and effort but in the end..it curbed the tantrums anytime they did not get there own way, or fighting between themselves...NOW these tools did not stop the issues totally but they got the idea after a while and then the time-outs use to work with the kitchen timer, 3 minutes is way too long for timeout for a 3yr old...start with one minute and then add to that minute with the kitchen timer if the time-out does not work...i use to do the 123-magic..with any behavior changing event this is just something that needs to work with both parents on the same page

good luck to you