Help with 18 Year Old Son's Clothing Choice

Something tells me he knew you would react the way you are reacting.

He's 18. He's still a kid, trying to get a reaction.

You can make it clear that you don't want that type of statement in your house. He should respect that.

Can't promise you he won't wear it everywhere else but your house though.

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Even though your son is now "officially" an adult, if he is still living in your home and particularly if you are still doing his laundry, you have every right to put your foot down and let him know that shirt will not be tolerated in your home. I think it's important that you let him know exactly why you feel this way. It may be time for a heart to heart. But stay firm in your decision. I for one am one mom who supports you! I have a 17 year old and I would feel the same way as you. I hope it all turns out good for both of you.

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Well, considering that he IS 18, his clothing choice really isn't much of your business. Of course, as parents, we always want to make their business our business. What seems fair to me is telling him that you think it's inappropriate and that he is not to wear it on your property or around his siblings. (Since he lives in your house it goes without saying that he should continue to follow house rules) You could also refuse to wash it, if you want, making it just a tad more difficult for him to continue to wear it.

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I have 18 year old twin boys and fortunately they are into sports so they always want to wear athletic type clothing. My 15 year old wanted to be completely different from his older brothers, thus he went down the music and computer road and is very good on the guitar...thus, he like guitar type clothes....many of which have skulls on them. I HATE THEM! If my 18 year old wore inappropriate clothing, I would sit down with him and talk about role modeling for his younger siblings and how the shirt was offensive to you. I would tell him that because he is 18, it is his right to wear the shirt, but you do not want him to wear it in your home, thus, he can wear a shirt over it when at home, and when he leaves your home, he can take the other shirt off. I am sure he is trying to gain power and control now that he is 18...it is a tough balancing act!!! Good Luck!

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The way I see it is if he is living under your house hold you make the rules. If you have other children,like you said,they need to see you making good decisions,not only for him but the other children are looking up to your son as an example. Maybe that is something you can talk to him about too. I think its important that kids know how you feel and the reasons why.

As well as all the good advice already given, I feel that you should make a point of telling him how he is setting the example for the rest of his brothers. I'm sure they look up to him, & he needs to remember that & act accordingly. My husband's teenage brother lived for us for awhile. We told him he either had to follow the rules & behave right or he could leave, because we had 3 young children that he was influencing by his behaviors, attitudes, & speech.

If your son is still living in your home, you have every right to tell him that this type of clothing will not be worn while he is still a representative of your household. The fact that you have four other boys looking to him as a role model would be enough motivation for you (and him)to put the shirt away, at least until he is out of your home. When he does move out of your home, it is still acceptable to tell him that the shirt will not be allowed to be worn in your home when he comes to visit. All of your boys need to know where you stand on the issue. They especially need to know that women are not sex objects or "toys" created for male pleasure, and that they are to be respected, not flaunted. It wouldn't hurt to tell him that wearing this type of shirt may cause harm not only to his image as a respecting male, but may give any women that he may be interested in dating in the future the impression that he has a poor attitute and disrespect of women. Best of Luck!!

My son at 16 came home with a "Good Bush, Bad Bush" t-shirt -- one with a picture of President, one with -- well, guess. I didn't destroy it. He might wear it under another shirt and then at school take off the outer shirt. Another time, he came home with a rhinestone belt buckle that spells WHORE, because kids think this stuff is so FUNNY, ironic, clever, whatever.

My 14-yr-old spent $7 cash on a tank top ("marked down from $40!) which her dad and I say she won't wear without a shrug. I'm thinking, bargain or no, pretty or no, the top goes back to the store.

As other members here have written, we're here to guide them, not fund whatever image THEY wish to project because we have to foster their creativity, judgment and independence.

Crack down on them before they turn 18 is all I can say -- esp when younger siblings will follow suit.

He will come back to the ways that you tought him, but in the meantime you may not like some of the stupid decisions he makes. First, You need to have him do his own laundry. Second, he lives in your house and everything in your house is yours (unless he pays rent). I would throw away the shirt because you don't want to own it anymore.

M.,
I agree with your gut instinct. It matters not that he is of legal age or if he bought it. If he lives with you, there has to be respect for YOUR home and rules. "No obscene clothing or any that has obscenity on it" is not unreasonable. I am watching my best friend go through this with her son and when she let even one thing slide, the rest becomes an avalanche. She gets it under control again (her dh is deployed to Iraq so she is alone on this one)and same cycle. She wants to respect his decisions, yet the problem is that until they are paying the bills, they do not get a "right" to their own decisions in all things. That is your right since you are providing and your job is to raise your children. You still have younger ones and that means that the rules still stand if for no other reason than that he is stopping you from doing your job by allowing him to wear that around. You are right, you are setting a standard for the others. If you let him continue to wear it or show that he owns it while in your home, you speak volumes on what you will allow the others to do. What will you do when your 13 year old (just guessing here) comes home with a shirt that says something like "I eat *&^%" (seen on a cousin- yucky)? They will say, but you let by brother do it, why can't I?
The thing is your household standards. It has nothing to do with age or anything else. Set your household standards. Tell them that if someone came to your house in the shirt you would not let them in or would offer them another shirt to cover it.
They will fight this decision, but it will save you a lot of heartache later and they will respect you for it. Those younger ones WANT you to set the standard.
GO GET 'EM GIRL!!!
Praying for your strength,
J. K

I am a mom of 4 girls and have had "clothing issues" with one of my kids in the past. As parents it is our Job, if you will, to set rules and have boundaries for our kids. If they are doing things or in this case wearing things, that are inappropriate then we need to stop this behavior and make sure they know, with out a doubt, how we feel and that it is wrong and sends a bad message to not only other people but also their younger siblings. I would, and have gotten rid of clothes that are inappropriate and when the say "you have to pay me for that!" I calmly say, "No, you made a choice to buy something that you knew was not acceptable in our home, so you just threw your money away." Especially since it has something to to with 2 woman, it is very disrespectful to you as His mom and very hurtful. If he gets mad, TOO BAD!!! If our kids aren't Mad at us then we aren't doing our job. Remember, your not his friend, your the parent. We need to pick our battles and decide what we, as parents, think is ok and appropriate. If he dyed his hair pink for example, so what. He is the one who has to live whith that and in the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter. But, by wearing things that are inappropriate and disrespectful can not be tolerated.
Sorry to ramble on, I just feel so strongly that too many kids are allowed to do to many things these days that We never would have gotten away with when we were young and Look at all of the disrespectful kids, whose sense of intitlement is unbelieveable, there are in the world today. Sad.
Good for you for taking a stand!!

Having raised three teenage daughters, I tell them when they are clothes shopping to be careful what they spend their money on. I don't allow anything questionable on their clothing so nothing ever really came home that was inappropriate. However, there was one time that my oldest daughter brought home something that I thought was too revealing. I threw it away. I tell them that if I think it is not something they should be wearing, that I will throw it away. Then I do just that. This is my house, I pay the bills, I decide what is appropriate and what is not. We didn't need discussions, they knew where I stood on this subject. Some might say that I have to allow them to "express" themselves. When they pay the bills themselves, they can express themselves all over the place. Until then, my house, my rules. Period.

Stand your ground, you will not regret it!

C.

Honey it is your house and he is your child. Take the shirt and burn it! As long as he lives in your house you hold all the cards. He eats your food, sleeps in the bed you provided...... all he has is because of you and his father. If he can't picture his mother doing what is on that T-shirt, then it is wrong. He is an expample for the rest and you are setting the tone for what they will be allowed to do.

You may want to approach him like an adult. Explain to him not just about what you've taught him, but point out things like the clothes he wears say something about him and how he thinks and, in this case, may give off the wrong message. Would he wear that to a job interview? If not, how come? What is he trying to say by wearing something that, from your description, demeans women? At 18, he needs to figure these things out for himself. If he can't see that it's inappropriate, you have at least given him some things to think about.

Ask him not to wear it until he moves out of the house and to never wear it around you or any of the rest of the family.

I would tell your son that if he wants to wear cloths like that then he needs to move out and be an adult since he is 18 and thinks he can make up his own mind. I would not give it back to him until this happens or cut it up and burn it !!!

Well it seems that he is still living with you so its your rules, and I think you can give him the shirt back when he moves out, and Im not sure how old your other children are, but Im sure that shirt is not something they should be seeing either.
Good Luck.

M., by all means put your foot down, if it is disgusting to god, then it surely should be disgussting to us, it is your home, if i was your freind and wore in your home, you may never invite me back,so why put up with it when its on your son, if he is an adult and wants to do that in his own home , that is his choice, in your home, you make the rules, keep on truckin, its ok to set a standard in your home that the kids need to live by, nowadays alot of morals have gone by the wayside, its definitely ok to have some, and to keep them, D. s

Did you pay for the shirt or did he? (Not that it is EVER ok for men to view women that way, but it was your money that bought the shirt, this is definately not acceptable).
And if your son is 18 and you're still doing his laundry, he has NO room to get upset here. You really do need to voice your thoughts in this situation b/c it will set in motion the next several years with the rest of your sons and how they treat and view women. best of luck!
D.

Obviously you will have to work on heart issues with your son, and realize that he may either be testing you, flexing his "big boy" muscles, or he may not have taken your values as his own yet. Either way, tread lightly, and take pains to maintain a good relationship, even if you disagree on things. As to the shirt itself, we had a similar situation in our family, and my eldest son was told, lovingly but firmly, that as long as he lived under our roof and we paid the bills, we reserved the right to determine what we thought was acceptable in all realms - behavior, curfew, clothing, etc. With six younger children watching everything, it was important for him to realize the impact of his role model to them, even if he didn't accept or desire it. Fortunately we also had cultivated a strong relationship of trust with him over the years, so ultimately he agreed to accept our word (though he did not always accept our values). There were questionable clothing, movie and video choices that he knew we were uncomfortable with, but he kept them to himself. Eventually, he also came to realize how important family and good modeling was, and outgrew some of those childish things that teens get sucked into. Pray for your son and stay calm. This too, shall pass.

SAHM of seven

I'd agree with the idea of "Make me and your siblings believe you do not own this shirt." That means he doesn't wear it in the house, at any function he knows you will be at, and you never wash it, because as far as you know, he doesn't own it!

If you out and out throw it away, he is likely going to think you are "treating him like a child" and will either do something you like even less, or go out and buy a new shirt. True, he may not understand why it is so offensive at this point, which is why he would be so angry if you got rid of it. Agree to disagree, and take comfort in the fact that many young adults part from what their parents taught them until they are in their mid to late teens. Around age 25 they start to grow up and realize that their parents DID know what they were talking about!

I would just tell your son nicely that since you can't control what he does outside the house since he is an adult, you can still control what goes on in the house, and you would rather him not wear that shirt in the house.

I would like to encourage you to be firm. Do not sneak and deceive - be upfront! The best way to train Godly values is to live them. Explain from the Scriptures why the shirt is offensive. (We are created in the image of God - Genesis 1:27; Adultery is sin, for even to look on a woman to lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart - Matthew 5:27) Share with him his Biblical obligation to obey his parents who are in authority over him - Ephesians 6:1-2 & Colossians 3:20. When he is on his own, he may live to honor or dishonor God, but he will be accountable to God for his choices. When he is under your authority in your home, YOU will be held accountable to God - Hebrews 13:17 - especially with younger children watching. Don't lose your ground now!

A few questions: Where is he making these friends that encourage this style of dress and thinking? Is your family regularly attending a solid Bible-believing church? If so, is your oldest son regularly attending Sunday School, Services, and Youth Group? Do you have family Bible devotions? Do you encourage him to have his own time in the Bible? I am willing to share some resources with you, if you are willing to lead by example. Please contact me by e-mail: ____@____.com

The Proverbs are rich in Scriptural encouragement: 22:6, 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13, and 15:20 to name a few. If you've not already done so, read a chapter of Proverbs a day. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs, so you can read through it in one month - since today is the 20th, read Chapter 20 for a beginning. You'll find something new each month!

May God reward you for your faithfulness.
Galatians 6:9
Philippians 4:13

As long as he is living under your roof, I would say, toss the shirt. He knows your values. If he doesn't like it, tell him he can find someplace else to live. I know this is harsh, but it works in my house. It's called respect. If he can't respect your feelings and the fact that you don't care for that kind of thing and you don't want it around the younger children, then what is that telling you.

There are rules every where. No shirt, no service. Just tell him this" no lude shirts, no roof over your head!"

Good luck!

J.

I feel for you. How frustrating. I would imagine that you are torn with trying to treat him like an adult, yet he acts like a child. If he bought the T with money you funded... I feel you have more say... if it is from a job... maybe explain that while he might like the shirt, you are disappointed in his choice as it offends you and his father and you don't want the other children seeing. Ask him to wear a shirt over it. While he is an adult and the decision on what he supports is up to him now, you still have to patrol what is appropriate and not appropriate for his younger brothers. I really think that this might have a greater impact coming from his father too. Not having an 18 year old, but having a 16 & 18 year old nephew... I see how they roll their eyes at their mother and show her very little respect. The fact that young adults find this funny to me just supports that they are still children. I feel like knocking my nephews in the head sometimes and tell them to grow up! And how frustrating that companies put out such filth...hey. Good luck M..

Sadly enough, he is 18, and he bought the shirt with his own money. I understand that it doesn't show your views, and you want to protect your other children, though. Instead of making a big deal out of it (it's obvious he is using the shirt to rebel and show his independence)maybe you should go for a more tactful approach. Tell him that it is not a shirt that you like, personally, but he is old enough to choose what he wants to wear. Also, tell him your views on the other children seeing the shirt. Then, ASK him adult to adult (not mother to son) if he would respect your feelings and wear the shirt outside of the household. Either wear it inside out until he is out the door, or cover it up with another shirt until he is out the door. Maybe this approach will work better than if you tell him no. It just seems he is being like all teenagers and wants to have some freedoms to make his own choices. Giving parents and relatives a shock once in a while is part of the fun... I did it when I was young...even younger than your son. I had shirts, bumper stickers, combat boots and black streaks in my very blond hair. I eventually got over it as most kids do. I now am a teacher and have a lovely family with a daughter who loves to go to church! Just let it run it's course, and if you show him respect for his decisions, maybe he will return the respect for your views and feelings.

Hi M.! If it is offensive then ask him to throw it away. If he refuses then ask him to turn it inside out or cover it up when he is at home or in the presence of your other kids. I think this is a good way to choose your battles and treat him like he is able to make his own decisions. When he knows he has your respect he will, hopefully, want to make good choices.
I want to point out that the LAW says he is an adult when he is 18, but we all know that 18 year olds are just kids who often don't know how to make good choices and they do need helpful guidance from their moms:)
Whatever we all say here means nothing if it doesn't ring true to you. You have to go on your instinct and do what you feel is best since you know your son and none of us do:)
Have a great day!

This is a time for tough love to kick in. He is living in your house. As long as he lives in your house, he will abide by your rules. If the shirt or anything else doesn't meet you approval for any reason, it will not come through the doors of YOUR home. If he doesn't like it, you will love him enough to let him find his own place to live. He is not in charge of your house; you are! This doesn't mean you don't love him, but you also have others in your care (by God's command) that you have to protect. God will hold you accountable! At 18, he is accountable for his own choices, but that doesn't mean you have to let it in your home, which is to be a safe haven for the rest of your family.

you need to put your foot down now before he does worse things ! he may get mad at you for doing so but he will eventually get over it !! I have had some problems with my 10 yr old daughter in this department of clothing choice and me and my husband put our foot down and told her it is not approprate clothing for us christians to wear and sat her down and looked up scriptures in the bible that talk about modesty. and what and how God thinks about that kind of stuff .
C. N

Dear M.-
This is not going to be a pretty one, but you have to stand your ground here. I think if he still lives in your house he will have to obey your rules and standards. Like you said, the other siblings are watching to see what you are going to do. If you don't do anything about this, the others will have a good excuse to do similar things or even go on to other things that are even worse. Kids at all ages like to test the water, so to speak, to see how far they can push the "I can do whatever I want button". Your 18 yr. will probally get mad about it. That's OK. When he is fully grown and he has children of his own; he'll look back and respect you for being a good example and banning the shirt. I can say that through experience....I was one of those kids that liked to push my parent's buttons. :) Good Luck!!!----J. .H.

I agree, stick to your guns, your house your rules, technically he is 18 and doesn't need permission anymore but I would tell him if he wants to make adult decisions then he has to act like an adult. I would say the as long as he is inside your walls he does not wear the shirt if he wants to wear it out with his friends then so-be-it but with the condition his younger sibs never see it on him.

Oh, He knows.... Explain to him that he is of age to move on his own if he wishes otherwise you would like him to get rid of the shirt. Now, if he chooses not too, make it disappear he knows you do not approve. The others will learn by watching what happens. Stick to your guns.
Good luck and your right.

Well, M. i also hid some shirts from my child. I told him he must have misplaced it or left it at someones house. I know how you feel. My daughter wanted to dress like a GOTH for a while and I stuck to my guns. Dont give up. Also hes 18, pretty soon your gonna have to trust his judgement. Just sit down and quietly explain why you dissapprove of the picture on the shirt. Treat him like an adult. Good luck

Dear M.,
This is a tough one, there are lots of different approaches. This is what I would do, take it for what it's worth. . .
At a time when your boy is in a decient mood, explain to him that the choice he made concerning this shirt is inappropriate, and not in accordance with what is right and true for a young Christian man, ect. Add what other feeling you may have according to your belief or biblical principals. Then ask him how much he paid for the shirt and tell him that you will give him the money or half of the money what ever you decide because you will not be returning the shirt. And next time he makes a poor choice in how he represents himself the shirt will simply disappear with no pay-back from mom. It's hard sometimes to stand up for what's right in this world where our children are surrounded by secularism and influences of sex and the like. But as you stated your younger boys are watching and the message you are sending to them is that your family stands for what is right and true even when it's not popular- even with them. Pray first for your son that he may be open minded to what you are tring to do. And you can believe that he won't appreciate it now, but the message you are sending to stand against this will make a difference someday.
Hope this helps-stay true to what's true and right, the Lord is on your side!

I think you did the right thing. Even if he is 18 years old, he is under your roof. You are right, you have four other children to set the standards for. If you cave in and give it back, then the other kids are going to see you let him have his way. You have a Christian home, so you need to follow the law of God. Just make it clear to your son that you aren't here to please your son, but that you are living for the Lord. He needs to honor his mother and his father. If he can't accept those rules, he has the choice to move out. Tough Love is hard, but following through is so crucial. I can imagine it would be tough, and I would do what you did. Good job and best wishes to you fellow mom!

I have had the same thing happen. On vacation a couple years ago my teenage stepson's went shopping by themselves for souvenirs. One came back with a shirt that was inappropriate. I told him to take it back and he said he couldn't because it was an iron on that he had requested be put on. I took the shirt, threw it away, and told him too bad he just threw away his money. Of course he was upset for a day and we talked about it and why the shirt was wrong and I told the boys if I ever saw either of them wearing something they knew was not allowed while living with me I would destroy it even if I had to cut it off them. He got over it and it set the rules clearly. I didn't have to deal with it again from either boy. Its more than just the offensive part though. You have to show him that disrespecting you won't be ok even if it isn't an action or behavior. It will be a lesson for him and for the rest of the children too. My stepson's live on their own now and that child went threw a stage where he dressed differently for like 6 months but never went to that extreme again especially around me. In fact I have never had trouble with either of the boys dressing disrespectful around me or using disrespectful language even though they live on their own now. It stays with them and they understand. Be strong in your beliefs and do what you think is right!

I don't have an 18 year old (yet) but my first reaction is that he doesn't really understand the statement he's giving the world about himself by wearing the shirt. You might sit down with him and talk frankly (adult to adult) and explain to him how degrading the shirt is to women (and therefore to you, his grandmother, his girlfriend?, etc.) Is that really how he sees women? Ask him what reaction he is hoping for from people by wearing such a thing. Shock value, but what else? It says a lot more and I doubt he's thought about it. I remember wearing one of my brother's inappropriate shirts in public when I was a teenager, thinking I was SO cool. I was shocked down to my socks when a man made an inappropriate suggestion to me! Now I think "well, what did I expect?" He might or might not take you seriously, but at least it might get him to think a little. Other than that, I agree with the others who say he should not be allowed to wear it in your home or in front of your family. Good luck!

Hi there it seems like ages ago I was 18. One thing that I do remember is trying to "Find myself" and the first place I started is to do the opposite of what my parents said. The harder they pushed the more I felt intitled to keep it up. Maybe saying. I understand that you are trying to "Find yourself". Lets try to do it in a way that is less ugly. Then tell the other boys to give him a hard time for wearing such a SIlly shirt. I do not have teen's at home but I do battle my son daily on appropriate clothing. Snow boots in June.....

N.

I have to be honest I don't have older kids but came from a Christian Home and if I ever wanted to wear something that my parents didn't approve of, the answer was until you pay for your own health insurance, car insurance, gas money and live somewhere than under my roof, you will not wear that.
He may be 18 but I assume you still support him finacially? You still are the Mom, don't step down to this one. Is your husband standing beside you on this issue?

If you want him to behave like an adult, then treat him like an adult. He has paid money for this shirt and I understand that you are offended by it. Explain to him that there are appropriate places to wear something like that (around his friends perhaps) but in your shared home around young impressionable siblings is not one of them. If he can see where you are coming from and talk to him as one adult to another he will not automatically jump to the defensive. This discussion is about respect for living with another person.

Good for you in wanting to put your foot down!Just quietly cut it up and throw it away with no drama, as if you were squashing a bug. Don't say anything but when asked, reply,"Not acceptable in this house."
No discussion, no arguments, no drama.THe other 4 kids are watching to see if this is an emotional button to bring drama. So show them no drama, no button pushed. Simply a boring wall of your standards that their wasted money will stop at.
It is your house, your standards. You can't change the world, or how others waste their money on things you disagree on, but it will be made quietly clear that you are absolutely in charge of what will be tolerated in your house.

Hey M. ~ It is hard to monitor what an older child wears but bottom line you are the parent, this is your house, what you say is appropriate is appropriate. You can tell him he can have it back when he is on his own but until then you set the rules and inappropriate shirts are not allowed. You can also suggest that if he wants to show it to your pastor and if the pastor says it is okay than it is okay with you. Just stand firm in your faith and beliefs, hard as it is that is what being a good parent is. God bless T.

I agree with Nicole. He's trying to find himself and he's rebelling. I'm sure you realize that. I agree that you should have a conversation with him and tell him that's fine, but then I would say something like, "Unfortunately you have the burden of being the eldest son in this family and your actions are adored by your little brothers. I would appreciate it if you would respect the fact that I do not want them exposed to such vulgarity and if you choose to wear such stuff, please cover it up with a sweatshirt when you are in our presence. Thank you."

if he is 18 there is not a whole bunch you can do but you guys can mabye come to an agrement that he does not wear that shirt around the house so that the younger kids dont see it all the time. no matter how hard you try though your youngsters are going to be exposed to that kind of stuff and you just have to do your best.i would not make a big deal out of it chances are your younger kids realy dont notice much about it

Do you support your son? I mean, do you feed him, give him a place to sleep etc? If so, then tell him the shirt is not appropriate and he can dispose of it. I would talk to him privately--tell him how you feel and that you expect him to be a good example to his brothers and sisters--then ask him to not wear the shirt and preferable get rid of it. He might think it is funny, but explain to him how it will affect the rest of the family because of the inappropriate signal it is portraying. Be firm and stand for the right.

He's 18 but it's your house, tell him he cannot wear it in your house or around your younger children.

You really have no say in what he wears outside your home though.

I think the solution depends on the situation. Is he still in high school or is he graduated and living at home? I agree with the others to address it as something not appropriate for around his siblings. Explain that while he is old enough to decide for himself what he spends his money on, it is not up to him what he wears in the house or around his siblings. Also explain that if he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one, part of which is respecting the wishes of others. Basically at that age, I think they are seeking independence and want to be treated as an adult. If he has graduated but is living at home then maybe its time for his own place where he can wear what he pleases and do his own laundry so you don't have to see it.

I am a little on the liberal side, so my thoughts do not exactly seem to follow the crowd.

First, I completely respect that you do not want the shirt to be worn in your home. However, I am not a big fan of the "it is my house....my way" rule set -- I feel that that can sometimes break down the lines of communication with kids.

I respect the advice to ask your son to not wear the shirt in your home, but I'd also encourage you to go a step beyond that and engage him in a conversation as to why he finds the shirt funny. Further it may not hurt to have maybe engage in some son/mother time volunteering at some place that would teach your son what it means for women to be devauled -- example: Women's Shelter.

Ultimately if he wants to continue to wear the shirt I'd let him, just not in your home. Eventually he'll grow out of this phase and the less he sees that he is getting under your skin the quicker it is likely to pass.

Good Luck.

Hi M. - Take it! Like you mentioned, the others are watching and you are setting a standard for all of them. For so many reason's ...you should take the shirt.
1. You will be proud of yourself. I can pretty much guarentee that you will not be sorry that you did. Your son will be mad, say it's not fair. Maybe tell you that you are "rediculous", but it doesn't last long. Soon it will be like nothing ever happened.
2. It may open the door to a more suggestive item of clothing. Then you get to start all over again.
3. He will remember it when he has children. He will remember that #1 - he has the RIGHT to follow his parental instincts and enforce rules of HIS house #2 the moral issue in itself is sooooo big later on.

You may be sorry that you let him have it, but most likely, you won't be sorry that you didn't let him have it.

At age 18 - in all reality, In most cases, I feel they are not really adults yet. Unless the circumstances are unique. If you are still "raising" him (he's living there, dependant on you for many of lifes basics" then, he still needs our guidance :)

Thanks and good luck and GOOD for you!

The shirt does sound disgusting. I'm of the opinion that as parents, we are responsible for what goes on in our house. I say throw it away. You, and your other, smaller boys, are the ones that will have to look at whatever is depicted on the shirt, not the older boy wearing it. And I think you also need to send a message to the younger boys - immorality will not be tolerated in this house. You may want to buy him a different shirt to replace this one - a nice shirt. And talk to him about why it's not acceptable and how he should be an example for his younger siblings.

We can only assume that your 18yo is still in HS, because why else would you be doing his laundry. He has hit the age of majority stating the obvious, He's an adult. I now have 2 of my 6 that are over the age of 18 who turned 18 well before finishing high school. I would discuss how you view his choice of this particular article of clothing, which is sounds like you have. But with a more constructive approach. You don't want to see it and you don't want it worn around his younger siblings at the very least he should be able to handle that. Lastly..Also show him his way around the laundry machine...

Oooo....that is hard, but you really need to stick to your guns and do what you know in your parental, adult mind is right. He will not like you for a while, but someday (my Mom always reminds me of this) he will understand why. Oh...I just remembered that he is 18 though also. That makes it harder, but if he is living under your roof he needs to follow by your wishes and beliefs. If he doesn't like that then he is old enough to go out on his own and wear what he likes. (Even though that will still go against what you taught him and such, it will be up to him then. You could just nicely ask him to not wear things like that when he is around the rest of the family.)

Good luck to you!

It is a tough place to be, but if you have taught your son to be a Christian and he is not respecting the guidelines you have set down for him in your home, it is either time for him to go, or time for you to draw the line. If you don't set firm boundaries with him now, it will not only affect your relationship with him in the future, but also the rest of your children. Clothing is a big issue for many kids, but God has set standards for dress, and if he's not willing to accept them, then he's not only disrespecting God, he's disrespecting you. It sounds to me like he's also disrespecting women based on his choice shirt. Stand your ground. Be firm. God will bless you.

Joshua 24:15(New International Version)

15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

My advice is to be honest and put your foot down. He lives in your house, you make the rules, you are the parent. If the shirt is offensive, you explain this to him. You have every right to throw it away in my opinion.

It's your house and he needs to follow your rules. And I would also tell him that when he lives on his own he won't be coming over dressed like that either or wearing it around the other kids. He lives in your house and needs to follow your rules. Your younger kids are your kids and he will follow your rules or not be around them.
He can't wear it to school or most public places anyways so he might as well get rid of it.
If he gives you a hard time then tell him to wear it to work and when his boss tells him no he can give his boss the hard time too and see how long he has a job :o) This is considering that he has one already, lol.
Trust me, between you, the school, his boss, and most of the general public, the shirt will have to go.
Hope this helps,
J.
Mom to 4 and soon one more through another adoption.

Hi M.:

My advice is that with 4 other boys in the house watching, and upholding your Christian values at stake, you need to take a stand.

I would talk with your son and say exactly what you told us...that this shirt does not reflect the Christian values you up hold in your household,degrades women, and is a bad example to his brothers. As long as he is still your dependent and living in your household, you expect him to choose clothing that does none of these things. (Period) You could offer to keep the shirt until he heads out to college, or similar (when he is more independent and not around your family), if he still wants to think about wearing it later...or say it goes in the trash.

Your instinct to put your foot down is right on the money...go with it! :-)

I have 3 kids, ages 19, 17, and 14, although we've had more issues about girls' clothing being appropriate for public eyes.

That is a tough decision! I think that he is 18 years old and you did your job in raising him and it is up to him to make his own choices now....good or bad. If it offends you and he is still living under your roof...tell him that he needs to keep that shirt out of your house and wear it on his own time not in your presence and that he needs to respect your rules. Tell him why is bothers you in a non-threatning way and tell him it is his choice what to do with the shirt and you hope he makes the right choice! GOOD LUCK!

Your son is 18 which makes it a little more difficult to deal with this situation. He is an adult. Is he normally good? You might try to explain to him that this shirt is not appropriate to be wearing in the presence af his younger siblings and that you do not approve of it. Tell him that you believe he will make an adult choice and choose not to wear the shirt around his siblings or you. At this age it's kind-of hard to tell him that he is grounded for disobeying you. Also if you get rid of the shirt he has the opportunity to buy another and what does that solve.

I would tell him that although he is 18, he's still living in my home. I do not approve of the shirt and he's not to wear it around the house.

Do not let this upset you. Explain to him very clearly and unemotionally why you find the shirt offensive. Tell him such things are not allowed in your house. If you wish, you can give it back when he moves out of your house, but if I were you, I'd just get rid of it.

Well, it looks like there are many opinions about this subject heading and all make sense to me. I agree with most but not all of the responses given to you. I think that he should definately be doing his own laundry! I think that as an 18 year old boy they all go through a phase of the funky/ inappropriate T-shirt. I am quite surprised that he has not gone through it sooner than this, but because you have taught him Christian values this might be why he is doing it now. He's 18 and yes having him respect your rules is imperative.... but he's 18! He's pushing the limit because in everyones eyes except yours he's an adult!..still going to school but an adult none the less. Soon he will be going off to college or the military or just on his own and then you will not have any say as to what he wears or when he wears it. It is time to treat him like an adult. Don't over react to a t-shirt when there are worst things he could be doing. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Say..hey I don't want you to wear that in front of the younger kids ok? See what he says. If he responds poorly then you know he is doing it for the reaction. If he truly wants to be seen as an adult then he'll act like one and respect your rules and if he doesn't then you know the next step. Keep the T-shirt until school is over and tell him it is time for him to get a job and get a place of his own. When he is moving out..give him the t-shirt as a house warming gift!!!!!

Hi M.. You have the right in your own house and as being a parent to not allow this type of explicit material. For as long as he lives there, he is not to wear these especially when you have younger children in the house. Even if you did not have any other children in the house, you still have that right as a parent. It does not matter that he is 18 years old and thinks that he is old enough to wear such things that display anything explicit. When he moves out and into his own place, he can wear whatever he wants. Of course this is my opinion. I think you should put your down and keep it that way. Take care!

This is more than a teaching opportunity about your authority as a parent. It is also an opportunity to teach your sons about the dignity of women, the respect that is due them as human beings and beloved of God. This is especially important as they have no sisters in the house. Make this personal...it not only disturbs your christian spirit but your spirit as a woman. Your son is disrespecting you, slapping you in your face when he wears something like that in your presence.

Tell them all the message this shirt sends to the women who see this shirt when it is worn in public. Share the assumptions about the wearer that a young woman will likely make about the kind of person who would buy and wear a shirt like that. Those impressions may not be accurate, theyvmay not be true, they may not be fair...but that is what will happen.

As to throwing it away...You might give him the chance to do the right thing. I'd rather tell him that it's his to wear but that out of respect to yourself, you won't be handling his laundry anymore. Love and Logic for 18 year olds. There will be consequences if he chooses to continue wearing the thing.

Don't be sneaky. Just tell him not to wear it around you. If he doesn't like, Oh freakin well! Tell him you've been following the rules for 18yrs Why rebel now when adulthood is just around the corner? He'll get it! Just please don't be sneaky. I was raised by my Grandmother and she once told me, " Sneaking around is for people who have something to hide and children."

Good luck!

Hi, In my house certain language is not allowed. My kids know it and so do their friends. I always make a point of telling them when they are away from my house they are allowed to speak as they wish. I cannot control what they do away from me anyway. I tell them to follow Christ, not me. That way they have the value but it is not 'my way or the highway' which is not exactly what Jesus taught. Children will rebel, the point is to choose your battles. If you do not want it in your house, then tell them to keep it in their locker or something. Then they are rebelling but not agianst you as I doubt it is ok to wear it at school either. One other thing, my son had a soccer shirt that all of the teachers thought was profane, but he pointed out what the picture really was, not profane. Be very sure you know what that picture represents before you make a point of it. Ask him, he may have those values intact and not want to show it now that you have made a big deal out of it.

When an 18-year old is living at home it is probably because he is still a student, so as a student, living in my home, he is still under my watchful eye and still adheres to what I say. If anything is said or done in my home that does not agree with what I value that action is stopped. I will say again if that should happen, 'you are welcome to do and say whatever you want when you are in your home, paying your own way, and you are in charge, but in my home, remember, I am in charge'. I did not agree with the jeans that were torn when that first came into style, my boys had been instructed to wash their own clothes. but once one of my boys had his jeans on the dryer, I threw it out. When he complained, I told him, 'I'm sorry I thought it was a rag, because it was all torn'. It never happened again. Of course the younger ones are looking to see how you will handle it. Be firm. Hang in there. Everything will turn out fine and he won't die because you hurt his feelings this one time. You are not his buddy, pal, you are his mother. It is a non-issue, don't make it bigger than it is. Take care. P.

Tell him what you just told us, that is the correct thing to do. Stand your ground. State to him not in my house, follow my rules, then you can do whatever you want in our own house. I had to say that to my 20 year old about watching scary horror movies. I didn't want his younger siblings to watch. He gave it up. He agreed with me that those movies are bad to watch. Sometimes they need to be told. By the way, he still lives here following our rules. He even helps out monetary for food and other bills. Good luck, you have your hands full. Unfortunately, doing what is right makes us feel intimated or the bad person but like you said you have four other eyes watching and waiting for your response. Let him get away with this and your other sons might test you to see what they can get away with too.

Good for you! As long as he lives in your house you need to tell him that you will not allow him to wear anything like that, esp, in your house. YOur husband must be on the same page with you or else your son will not take you seriously. Remember, you are the parent! or else there should be consequences like not allowing him to drive the car, etc.

With my daughter who is 18, senior in high school and doesn't pay rent. I would tell her - if you want to where it that is fine but you will not wear it under my roof or around your siblings. When they start paying rent either at home or elsewhere then my children can do what they want. My 18 year old daughter is 2nd of 11. So yes the younger ones do watch to see what is going to happen. Then try to see if they can pull the same thing.

K. D

Stick to your guns. It is your house your rules. If it offends you and goes against what you are teaching your children then by all means keep the shirt or throw it away. Sounds like he testing his boundries.

Hi M.,

I suspect it's 1) a stage and/or 2) his way of gaining attention and/or 3) asserting his independence. I don't know what it's like to raise teenagers yet, but I would see if you can come to an "arrangement" with him about it. Tell him you find the shirt offensive but will be respectful of his decision and won't throw it away if he is willing to do 2 things 1) don't wear it in front of the other kids and 2) don't wear it in front of you. In fact, I might word it along the lines of "make me and your siblings believe you don't own the shirt." I would be open to explaining in detail why you don't like the shirt and why he needs to be respectful that you have other children you're raising even though he's an adult now. I would stress the words respect but also realize that it goes both ways. I think if you are still open and accepting of him regardless of what shirt he buys, he might not find it as appealing to display publicly.

Gotta run, but good luck!