Help Need Your Ideas for Getting More Support and Help

How about hiring a cleaning service to come in once a week? That's what I did when I started getting more and more grumpy about my husband's like of housekeeping help. (His idea of cleaning the kitchen involved loading OR unloading the dishwasher. His idea of deep cleaning the kitchen involved unloading AND loading the dishwasher.)

It cost us about $125 per month. And this came right out of the disposable income budget . . . so we couldn't go out to eat nearly as often or buy non-necessities, etc. But, I had a clean house and it's amazing how much a clean house can act as a de-stressor.

What you need is some structure, routines, and discipline for everyone in the house, including yourself(this is said as politely as possible, and with a sympathetic smile).

We had/have the same problems here at my house, both before when I was a sahm, after I went to work 40+ hrs. a week, and still have it now that I haven't been working going on a month. I just need to get back in the game and get the control back.

Several months before I started working, I had become fed up. I was basically a single mom raising 3 kids while my husband worked out of state for 9 mos., and my kids were the next thing to lazy. At my wits' and rope's end, I found Fly Lady again http://www.flylady.net/ . My family thought I was stupid, and once they chucked the idea out the window, and I realized they wouldn't take it seriously, I finally just implemented the "program" in ways they wouldn't recognize as Fly Lady. FINALLY, I had some structure going on, some routines, and things were going better....then, I got a job lol. You can be a Fly Baby working mom also, but I didn't have the time, energy, or self-discpline to figure out how to make it work being a working mom, so, my house went to heck in a hand basket, and is still there. Good thing it's time for Spring cleaning(groan, gasp)!

Anyhoo, my point is #1 let go of the perfectionist mentality, that "perfect" idea you have for yourself and everyone else. Just try and take one day at a time, maybe take some time and write down some goals, both long-term, and ESP short-term. Sit down with your husband and explain to him you don't need him to do everything, but both of you figure out what he can take care of and what you can take care of, and both of you assign yourselves these tasks. Try and calmly and non confrontationally emphasize to him that to be a better wife and mom, you need some help so you're not so overwhelmed. Suggest to him that once everything is on track and less chaotic, then you two can plan a nice little weekend getaway somewhere, just the two of you--work that in to your goal planning somewhere. The 11 and 7(8) yr. olds can definately take care of their own rooms and puttting away their own clothes, and getting their things together for the next day the night before. They can also help load and unload the dishwasher, take out garbage, fetch lods of clothes, do minor household cleaning tasks, the 11 yr. old can help the 2 yr. old with baths and with pets, etc. You can make it a game, contest, job from which they get paid, whatever, just enlist their help.

You just need to "mom up" :o) and make sure that they understand that to have rewards, they need to help out. Make sure that they understand that they live there too, and help to make messes, they can help clean them.

AND, if your husband can't be brought on board, then maybe you can suggest counseling from the clergy rather than by a therapist/medical professional. I think that if he loves you, you both will be able to work something out.

And if you need someone to talk to who understands where you are because I've been there too, then feel free to message me. Maybe privately I can help you come up with some solutions. I still implemented some of Fly Lady's suggestions even as my house tumbled into the abyss(I always knew where I needed to be and when because of the calendar idea lol) and will go back to implementing the rest once Spring cleaning is done.

My future home based business will be about helping people just like you get some control of their lives and be way less stressed. I'd be glad to try and help(I'm not in business yet, so no charge, really!), just to help you get some measure of calm back into your life.

Take care, and best of luck,

K. W.

You don't say how much your kids help out. Even the 2-year-old can begin learning to pick up his-her own stuff, with a constructive approach.

Here's a process that might shift your experience in a positive direction. This is what I've learned about getting my needs met, using four steps of a system called Non-Violent Communication:

1. Make straightforward observations about what you see happening, and acknowledge what feelings you hear family members expressing about their participation in keeping the house clean. Examples: I see that I did all the dishes at lunch, and the kitchen is already cluttered with dirty dishes again. (and/or) I hear that you don't mind if the kitchen is a mess. (and/or) I hear that you feel too tired to help me wash dishes.

2. Tell what you feel, what is most alive in you. Be sure this is YOUR FEELINGS, and not a judgmental concept or blame. Examples: I'm feeling exhausted, and am worried how I will keep going. (and/or) I feel sad when nobody notices my needs. (and/or) When I'm so busy, I notice that I am more impatient with you all. (and/or) I'm feel distress about how much nagging I do, because I have such lovely dreams about how happy our family life could be.

3. Express your needs clearly. (Again, be sure they are needs, not demands). Examples: I need for us to pull together as a family. (and/or) I need to know what is important to you, and how you see us accomplishing that together. (and/or) I need you to know I am already at the end of my rope, and I am desperate for your help. (and/or) I need more time in my day, so I will be leaving xyz for you to do.

4. Make a specific and achievable request. Examples: Examples: C'mon, kids, please help me finish xyz and then we can take a couple of hours after dinner to (name fun group activity). (and/or) Sweetie, I'm really tired, too, so will you help me do xyz, and then we can both relax.

If you'd like more tips, here's a handy NVC process chart:
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partproc...

So many moms take the approach that you have to "put your foot down" and I agree, but only slightly. Instead of looking at what YOU are dealing with, look at what THEY are dealing with... This is just a change of perspective is all, I'm not accusing or anything. But really, are you nagging, constantly expecting help? Would YOU enjoy being around yourself? I read a book recently that had a very interesting quote... "High standards, low expectation." Meaning this: I can have high standards regarding my kids cleaning their room, but (in reality) I expect them not to. Not because they are purposely disobeying me, but because they are kids and are still "in training." It's our job to "train" them. This view takes away the frustration when they fail to fully meet my goals for them.

I have 4 children, 3 who were born the same years as yours. I find the older two are at an age where they really don't like getting their chores done. I implemented a schedule (I homeschool also) and we stick to it (after all, I'm in charge during the day!). Two days out of the week they are allowed to play video games, IF they complete their schoolwork AND their chores. The other 3 week days they are allowed to have their neighbor friends come up and play, but again, only IF they have finished all their work. They were only allowed to play one day last week because of their disobedience. The schedule allows them to know what should happen and when. When they are not doing what they should be, I ask them what time it is and what should they be doing according to the schedule. Also, when you first present a schedule, you should sit down with them and ask them what the punishment should be for not completing their chores and let them come up with their own punishment. This will make it easier on them when they fail.

My husband also has health problems and yells, but I am patient with him because I know this is not the type of father he wants to be. In his case, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and sleep apnea. Medication has alleviated most of the "yelling" and I don't have to "walk on eggshells" around him anymore. Has your husband been to a doctor lately to see if the cause of his grumpiness could be health related?

Another thing to help him be a little more... relaxed when he comes home is to begin cleaning the first rooms he goes to during the day (for me this is the living room, hallway, and his office). This has had the most incredible affect on him when he comes home! Imagine, something as simple as a clean living room! I never would have guessed that it would have as much impact as it has.

Shucks, I didn't want to post a big long thing... but I hope it helps anyway...

A. H

flylady.net isn't the best thing out there to help you keep your house clean it's free and there is a TON of ideas and daily things to help you get started...
my house was a mess two years ago, now I can have anyone over at the drop of a hat

I would go on strike

The best fact I have been able to through at my hubby is,
If you are doing 70 percent of the housework, you are cleaning up AFTER HIM. That means he ,in your mind, is one of the kids and you will have no intrest in marital relations after such a day.
Your kids are old enough to help. 2yo love soap and water and will wipe up the table and such for you if you start it!
You hubby must be onboard and supportive.
A great trick I found is have a sign up sheet of what needs to be done for the day. Then make a rule of who gets to sign up first i.e. first one up, dresed and bed made can pick first. That way every one is racing to sign up first so they don't have to clean the toilet!
Your husband may find that it is easy to complete a few set chores rather than become overwelmed by all that needs to be done and not know where to start.
Good luck to you!!

There's so much more to life than having a clean house! My advice? . . . Hire someone to do the cleaning . . . Merry Maids offers different services depending on your needs. They will do as little or as much as you'd like.
Have EACH member of your family learn that picking up after themselves IS important and if it gets done right away then you don't have a big mess later.
BUT . . . You don't want your children to only have memories of cleaning house on the weekends or dad yelling everytime he came home. ( I say these things from personal experience because these are the kinds of memories I have.)
Treasure the time you have with your family. Make memories with your husband and kids that they'll WANT to remember!

I thought about stike being not bad - but then things would just get worse before better - Truthfully I am at odds over things like that with my husband but since I work at home alot when I am not doing Photo shoots or covering Events. Have them clean up their mess, take away their fun 'thing' privelegdes until it is done. My husband has my son of only 3 always clean up his room and help out Vacuuming and picking up messes. Then he can go do fun things with me - go to the park, school, watch a movie, excercise with me - ride his bike - etc. Taking one challenge at a time helps!

A.,

I feel for you, I really do. The best advice I would give would be to print off what you posted here, highlight the relevant parts, i.e. help with housework from your family, and sit down with everyone and tell them all what you need from them. If at all possible the work hours need to be trimmed back. You and your husband are working WAY!!! too much. That could be one of the reasons that your hubby is so sick all the time. Overstressed and overworked are easy ways to lower one's immune system.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

My dear, you sound way overbooked. I encourage you and your husband to sit down and evaluate your life's priorities. Can either of you work less by tightening your budget and cutting out nonessentials (newer cars requiring payments, meals out because of lack of time to cook, etc)? Does either of your jobs take priority over family time? Do you want your children to grow up slobs because no one ever taught them to pull their share? If you honestly answer some of these questions, I'm sure you'll find the source of problems and the more time your husband and you spend together, the more you will be on the same page and have the same goals for your family. A clean house is nice, but clean headed and hearted children are much more important.

A.,
It sounds like your family time is really limited. Only you and your husband can make the priority list of work vs. chores vs. family time. I suspect that your priorities are not in agreement on this. Can you make a date with your husband to talk through how each of you is feeling? Or have a family discussion about it? If you feel a mediator is needed, and an official counselor is not an option, maybe a pastor or close friend could help.

I am glad you have hired help. Given your schedules, it sounds like you may need a full-time person just for house care.

Good luck.

I agree with the other poster below - you have WAY too much going on. Reprioritize and purge.

I have much to say but will try to be brief.

1- Your husband isn't bothered by his own messes, you are. Either leave his messes for him to get tired of, or change the way you view that situation. If it bugs you, do it, if you can put his messes into his area for him to have to walk around or trip over, do it.

2- You should consider a mediator type of meeting. We speak AT eachother and listen FOR things with preconcieved notions. Nothing really gets heard. Find someone that will take instruction to first interpret your husband's words and ideas, it gives a man an open perspective. (show that you listen to him first and that the mediator is going to 'call you' on a few things and he will listen better).

Hire the help for the general stuff, not the responsibilities. And make the children pick up before the cleaner gets there.

I have enjoyed reading the responses. Gives me some ideas.

A.

Wow, you have a lot going on! My husband is from Mexico, and even when we both worked 40 hours, or he worked full time, and me at home full time, it has been an issue to get him to help. I know that culturally he feels that it is my job to do everything.

No tv, computer etc is a great rule. It sounds like you do most of the work taking care of the kids, so why should it matter what he says. I know that sounds bad, but really, its true. If he isn't willing to participate with the follow through, why should he get to participate on making the rules? when we were kids my mom got a special cord for the tv that she rigged, so that she would be the only one who could turn on the tv, and only after our stuff was done. Could you do something like that?

In addition, can you offer allowance, special stuff, etc for them getting their work done. I have a chart with stars they can earn for all sorts of stuff - reading a book, finishing homework, setting table, vacuuming, etc. After 10 stars they can get something from the dollar store. It works well.

sorry you are having such a rough time. being a mother/wife just sucks sometimes.