Help! My Son Is "That Kid"

My son is also "that kid" I have been working on "listening skills" with him. Meaning when he charges in and starts trying to take over I have him stop and listen to what his peers (or adults involved) are saying as well as taking the time to observe their emotions. Then help a bit with negotiation. I think it's tough because most kids seem to just pick up on social cues. There is no "established protocol" for teaching them.

OK, at first it sounded like a case of you being so patient all the time, that he got in the habit of getting away with the 'tude. Patience isn't what's needed when kids are being bossy and rude, not matter how smart they are. Then as your post continued, it seemed to became even more about him just being so legitimately smart, he couldn't mask it, and you didn't want his cockyness from being so smart to be similar to the shyness you felt from being so smart.

Smart has nothing to do with it.

All I know, is that I was a very smart kid, and my parents came down like a tons of bricks on us kids if we were ever disrespectful, bossy, rude, or not looking out for the other kids we were playing with, putting other people's feelings first, and being polite. And we never felt diminished in any way, we simply learned the nice way to act. We were still smart.

My daughter who is 5, is brilliant. Scary smart. But she has never been allowed to get out more than an eye roll or one snippy word without firm consequences after a warning and has never been allowed to be rude and never developed the habit. As a toddler, she NEVER would have gotten away with pushing parents out of the way or arguing about everything. Not allowed. If she ever talked over other kids or tried to dominate, her dad and I were instantly like, "It's so and so's turn to talk. Be sure to listen". Or "Is so and so having fun?" to get her used to being conscious of others. I have infinite patience too: For illness, learning new things, accidents, sadness, day to day challenges, etc. But rudeness? Nope. Is she any less smart because she's not allowed to bully people? No. We feel no need to be subtle about that message.

Children are naturally self centered. Like anything else, it's impulse control that needs firmness in the very early years to become natural later. You can't give subtle hints at 6 when it's been allowed all along and expect it to sink in immediately.

My daughter actually has a boy in her kindergarten class like you describe, and I've been sitting there when his mom is there just LETTING him talk all over all the other kids, and I'm baffled she lets him. She too explains that he's so SMART she can't shut him up-WHAT??!! He's not saying anything my daughter doesn't know!!! I've heard other patents sharply reprimand their kids for being bossy too. The other kids talk about not liking him, and it's not his fault. I think you should stop being patient and start demanding good behavior from him. He's smart enough to totally get it.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I have a 4 year old daughter that might give your son a run for his money in the bossy dept! lol

Just continue to be as patient as possible. When the opportunities arise, ask him some introspective questions about how he thinks he comes across to other kids. When I notice my daughter behaving undesirably towards her sister, I'll ask her if she thinks her words are nice. She'll usually respond 'no', so I'll ask if *she* would like to be spoken to like that. Again, the answer is 'no', so I'll say something like 'well, maybe you should use a nicer voice/nicer words next time'. It'll usually work for a day or two, then we start again....but we are making progress :o)

I think the key is to teach them to be who they are, without hurting other people's feelings; that there are nice ways of talking to people.

instead of saying 'attitude' maybe give him specifics. or example: i don't like playing with you when you say things like blah blah blah.
or. its ok to feel proud about yourself, but sometimes talking about being better makes other people feel bad about themselves. that sort of thing.
or maybe interupting and saying : now here is an example. can ou think of a different way of saying that ?

Your words: "help guide them."

That is your job, and from reading your post, I have a feeling you will handle this just fine. Some kids are more trying and exhausting than others, and that probably won't change. But like you said, his personality will probably serve him well in his future career.

Meanwhile, keep "guiding." Guiding kids DOES include telling them the truth sometimes, though you have to do it kindly and gently. If once in a while you or your husband get exasperated and it comes out rudely however, well, your son will survive. We all have to learn that we can only push people so far and then sometimes they crack.

I have a feeling you're going to do a great job. Keep guiding him toward that happy medium, and by the time he's an adult you will see the results.

What wonderful responses so far! I agree with Page about active modeling (my interpretation). You sound like a very attuned and loving mama and I don't think your son is acting this way because of parenting issues. He's confident so kudo's to you for helping him learn self pride! It can be too much though so the idea of guidance is a good one.

When I was a nanny the 4 year old had similar self confidence, though would get upset or hurt with social ramifications. What I did was have one hour out of every day we called the "do good" hour. We would have the hour set up for selfless acts. It was difficult at first because developmentally early childhood is all about ego! But we actually had fun with the challenges.

Stage one: I would exaggerate how difficult it was, which always made him laugh. Then he would exaggerate how difficult it was for him, which made us both laugh. This helped with awareness and showed all people struggle with selflessness.

Stage two: we came up with ideas of how to share and give without the recipient knowing it was him who did the kind deed. This game helped him experience the joy because it was a 'game'. Part of the game was seeing how long he could wait before telling them he did the nice thing so it was fun to see him all smiling and antsy to say 'it was me! I did it!'.

Stage three: we came up with a game designed to identify nice things others did for him. During this time each day we would write it down on a small peice of construction paper (different shapes and colors). We also identified nice things he did for others and wrote them down. Every week we would make an art project that would visually reflect how he and others gave. You can also set it up for the papers to look like dinosaur's and trucks and other fun things specific to what your son likes.

Last stage: once a week the parents would have the hour dedicated to things like putting change in soda machines for strangers to find or things like that. They would then talk about what sorts of fun things another little boy or girl could do with the extra $.

Not sure if this will help...it's more of a long term solution and while it seemed to work beautifully for the little boy I nannied, I will disclose I made it up so don't know how it will work (if at all) for other children. Neither the parents or myself at the time wanted to focus on the negatives because while the overconfidence was obnoxious, we didn't want to dampen the confidence so much as help direct it in more positive ways. We would redirect him if he was rude and ask him if he could think of a nicer way to say something. We would help him identify times when he needed a break from a stressful situation. And we would let him know if he said or did something hurtful then guide him on how to repair.

****Edit note: we also went out of our way to express appreciation for kindness from him or sharing or even if we noticed he was intentionally being patient. We didn't overdo this because too much praise for normal expected things is not helpful for children, but we did strive to make sure he experienced positive effects from positive social behaviors.

Sorry so long! Not sure if this helps much but it really did work well for the little boy I nannied for (gosh, he's now 20 years old!!!).

You sound like such a loving mama...I'm sure whatever you do will work out well. Part of it really is a developmental stage so know it won't last forever with the right supports and loving guidance:)

Remind him that we are aloud to make the rules or referee when we are team captain, but we are not always team captain.

I have to remind my husband I am not one of his employees, so quit demanding everything of me and use your manners!

Best wishes.

Your son sounds very similar to of my kids, now 10.

The good news is that my "know it all" has changed quite a bit over the years.

He would tell neighbor children how to play and what to do, and then come inside crying saying they "wouldn't let him play with them." I always checked it it out, but every time I would hear that in fact they WERE playing with him but he got angry when they didn't want to do it HIS WAY and so he would run inside.
He was always trying to "help" his older brother. We had to tell him for years that grabbing something, or doing someone else's work, or taking someone's opportunity to learn for themselves, or making someone else feel helpless is not "helping."

We also used to talk about how he didn't need to pretend that he knew everything in the world because no one expected him to know so much.

My son also did, and still does complain about not having friends, however he actually does have friends --just not as many as he would like.

He used to be the most arrogant child I had known, but he is far more humble at 10. I think he is far for self aware now, and more empathetic. What makes me most proud is that he is a true individual, and that he doesn't "conform" when pressured by classmates to like the same music, games, etc that they do...he goes on doing what he likes and doesn't fear their judgments. Also adults appreciate him for his initiative, and he gets to be "helper" to them which makes him feel important. I think that is what he wanted from the beginning!

AHH. You're in a big city. There should be some Mensa members there.
Google Mensa with the name of your city.
You may be able to get in touch with parents who have gifted children,
perhaps even a parents' group for discussion
of the challenges of raising gifted children.

About your son "getting" the connection about his behavior and difficulties w/other kids . . . . it may be easier in a year or so for you to get that point across to him. There's a major cognitive shift at about 7 years,
where kids start thinking more reasonably, logically.

Meanwhile, see if you can remember to compliment/praise him
for any (even teensy) positive/cooperative/non-pushy behavior.

Oh . . . while you're checking into Mensa for help with your DS,
you might consider attending some adult Mensa events.
You are probably a potential member.

Good luck.

Some very smart kids aren't great in the social area and even have aspergers syndrome. The others have given you good advice.

Check out Love and Logic programs in your area. Here's link with some info and will provide info on positive parenting tips. Good luck!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/High-Five-Parenting/3548694...

One thing that might work, especially since he noticed it when you were watching "The Polar Express", is Role-Playing.

At his age, he is having a hard time reading "social cues" . That can be difficult for some kids, no matter WHAT their age.

Set up a pretend situation, where YOU play him, and he plays the other child, or the adult. Act how you see HIM reacting to situations. Give him the chance to try on the role of the other child. You might want to "over-act" a bit, to make it more obvious.

Then discuss the way it should have been done, and give him the opportunity to practice it with you. This gives him the opportunity to start training himself on the words and actions to do.

Just choose one specific problem area for a while, and see how that goes. Then start adding other areas.

Good luck!