Help! My Almost Three Year Old Girl Will Not Go to Bed and Stay in Her Room.

This isn't going to help you right now, but for what it is worth, my daughter "grew out of it" (she'll be 3 in January). For the past year, she had been getting up in the middle of the night and coming and getting in bed with my husband and myself. It started when I was pregnant, so if I heard her come in, frankly I was too tired to do anything about it. Then when the baby came, it continued...same thing, if I did hear her get in bed with us, I was just too tired to get up and deal with putting her back in bed. (My husband sleeps thru everything!)Anyway, I tried talking to her, taking her back to bed each time, and rewarding staying in bed....nothing really worked. Well, all of the sudden it stopped. She may get up in the middle of the night, calls me for a drink of water and then goes back to her own room. She also has started liking sleeping in a really dark room, too. I just wanted to let you know that if it seems like nothing is working, hopefully she'll decide on her own!

To some this may sound harsh but it worked for us. It was a matter of safety because my son wold leave his room in the middle of the night or early in the morning and we would find him on the stove playing with the knobs. So, we put a door knob cover on his side of the door. I didn't mind if he got out of bed and played quietly in his room but it kept him in his room. It also trained him that when we put him in his room for the night he needs to stay there. We took it off once we potty trained him and he still stays in the room. At first he would come out but I would jus tell him that if he came out again I would have to put the lock back on. That was enough incentive.

L.,

My sister has had the same problem. First of all, she put a spill proof cup of water on the bedside table to stop the "I need a drink" thing before it happened (which was nightly for her). Then she put a night light in her son's room. After the night time routine was done, she would let him know that he was safe and to stay in bed and go to sleep. She would then sit on the floor in front of the night light and read a book or magazine until he fell asleep. After about 10 days, she no longer had to stay in the room at all. We were thinking that he felt like he was going to miss something by going to sleep alone, and with her in there reading quietly, he knew he wasn't missing anything and went to sleep. And let's face it, we could all use a little quiet time to read a book or magazine, so it helped my sister as much as it helped her son.

Hope this helps and good luck!

T.

L.,
At 3 years old she should be able to tell you why she feels the need to be out of bed. Maybe she is still napping and has outgrown that. Maybe she fears something and cannot express it. Maybe you need to try bed earlier and have her 'act out' her concerns.
Maybe she is just being bad cuz she knows she can get away with it.
You need to figure out which situation you are dealing with and fix it.
I have 3 children and each one approachs bedtime differently. So I have a different approach to bedtime for each one. Not drastically different, just different enough that they can see that I see them as individuals and that we all work together as a team.
Make it a 'team' activity. Allow her to make a few modifications to the routine and then you need to stick to them. If she is searching for some control thent his will satisfy her and put her to sleep.
Good luck and good sleeping

Hi there L.,

I'm going to 2nd Super Nanny's bedtime advice. It really worked well for our 3yr old. Staying consistent and calm really helps too.

Good luck!

The "Supernanny" Routine does work if you are committed to doing it and sticking to it but there are those kids that just get up and wander I KNOW my daughter is one of those... My boys never get up and wander at night she on the other hand started a fire in our kitchen a couple weeks ago because shes a wanderer and we were in bed asleep and she decided to cook in the microwave so needless to say we are going back to square one like someone else recommended and she is now getting "locked" in her room... It sounds cruel but its for our own safety and hers! Sometimes you have to do things that seem cruel or unthinkable and eventually over time I know we will be able to allow our daughter to go to bed in a "free" room again but until she learns to stay in her room at night you have to do what you have to do. You need sleep and so does she and if she knows you mean business she'll get over the tantrums pretty fast...

If you find something that works let me know!!!! Thanks ____@____.com

Hi there,

My advice is to remember that sometimes kids have a hard time falling asleep on their own for different reasons: anxiety, worry, fear, inability to calm themselves, etc. I think it's perfectly fine to help your child by being in the room with her until she falls asleep. I lie there next to my 3 year old until she falls asleep every night. I play the same soothing music cd each night(my husband made one with nice classical music)and we listen to it as she falls asleep after her regular bedtime routine. It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep and it's a cozy 10 minutes with my daughter that we both look forward to.

My older girls who are now 12 and 15 went through different periods of feeling frightened at night or just unable to fall asleep and I would lie down with them and rub their backs or read to them. One book that was great was called Starbright--Meditations for Children by Maureen Garth. They turned out fine and can both sleep on their own now-though they still love a backrub if I have the time. : ). I can tell you from experience that your kids aren't little for long and you will look back fondly on bedtimes with your child if you have had a gentle, quiet, loving time together rather than one fighting about getting back in bed.

Good luck!

I highly recommend the book "Your 3 Year Old" by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg. GREAT book! It will give you tons of insight as to what your daughter is experiencing emotionally and physically at this age. To me, it explained why she was behaving the way she was and it gave me more patience to know that.

I've heard from several moms that at 3 they develop fears that they cannot express. It's an emotional state that they go through and have problems dealing with it. Their way of dealing with it is to throw a tantrum. She needs your support and not decipline. If you are a Christian talk to her about how much God loves her and how He takes care of children all day and all night. Recite the Guardian Angel Prayer with her. Explain to her about her guarian angel that will keep her safe during the night. Keep talking to her and maybe she'll be able to tell you how she feels or her fears. Maybe she needs an extra pillow to hug or a stuffed animal to hug. But, I'm sure it's just one of those stages that'll pass with time. Be patient!

Best Wishes!

S..
www.ohsobella.com

Hi L.,
We had to move my oldest daughter to a toddler bed when she was just past her 2nd birthday, b/c I was expecting baby #2 and we didn't want to invest in a 2nd crib. I remember having the same problem you are having--the kid wouldn't stay in bed! We tried everything--I think in my frustration I once even resorted to swatting her on the diaper which made me feel so awful I swore I would never do that again! Besides, it didn't help. What I ended up doing was, after the bedtime routine was done (bath, story, etc.,), I would turn off the light, turn on her sleepy music and then lay down with her for 5 or 10 minutes (not easy in my condition!). Occasionally she would drift off in that time and I would just quietly sneak out of her room, but most of the time she was still awake, but relaxed. I would quietly explain that I needed to go and spend some time with Daddy (I was working full-time back then) and that it was time for her to go to sleep. She would say 'Okay, mommy,' I would leave (but leave her bedroom door open) and she would go to sleep. I know it sounds simplistic but somehow this very calm and rational approach worked for us when nothing else did. Also, we ended up moving her to another room and a queen-size, regular bed right before her sister was born (she was 2 1/2), and the problems stopped after that--I didn't even have to lay down with her anymore. DH and I wondered if the toddler bed was just really uncomfortable and that was why she didn't want to stay in it. I also remember that punishing her really seemed to backfire and make the situation worse. Try some positive reinforcement and see how you do. Good luck!

Child-proof doorknob lock. She can get up (does it really matter if she sleeps in her bed or on the floor? IMO, all that matters is that she sleeps), but she can't leave the room. She'll realize pretty quick that her bed is the most comfortable sleeping option in her room, anyway. If the dark is a problem, I highly recommend the Mobi TykeLight - it charges during the day, and goes to bed with her at night. Bright enough to keep monsters away, not bright enough for decent play. Also, wake her at the same time you normally would in the morning, regardless of what time she actually goes to sleep. Ditto for naps. It might take a few days of tiredness, but she'll eventually get the idea that when it's bedtime, she needs to sleep, because she won't be sleeping late. Also, keep one of those sports bottles w/ a straw full of water in her room - no more getting up for a drink. Still have a baby monitor? Keep using it until your child knows when it is/isn't okay to leave. (Potty? Yes. Our child knows to ask over the monitor when she needs to leave, and tell us why. If it's okay, we open the door for her.) Just crack the door a bit before you go to bed, so she can still get herself up in the morning, and there you go. We just went through this with our 2 1/2 year-old, and now we have a good sleeper. It's worth the three or so days of frustration to get to a good sleeping point: better sleeper, happier kid during the day. Good luck!

Hey L.:

Please don't take this as criticism... I realize that there are several reasons that we use to determine when to move children out of their crib... That being said, I've read numerous articles that say the many children do not develop the mental ability to understand imaginary boundaries (as in, "stay in bed") until over the age of 3. It sounds like she is just under that developmental milestone. If she is mentally unable to apply the rules to her actions, then you'll be banging your head against a wall until that cognitive ability develops and she has a "bedtime epiphany".

Can you move her crib back in? May put a climbing tent over the top if she is climbing out? In a 6-8-10 weeks, try the toddler bad again? If it was me (and we were all sleep deprived), I'd start back at square 1 and reset her bedtime routine back (because it sounds like bedtime temper tantrums have become part of her normal routine and she now may expect/predict to have them?)

Have you never watched Nanny 911 or Supernanny? You can check out these almost identical philosophies' books at the library for free if you never/don't watch the shows. VERY helpful advice. Buck up, Mom, it's all up to YOU. If she continues to have major world war III tantrums, then it's because she knows it gets results.

Hi L.-

I have two suggestions for you. The first is the "Super Nanny" way which is to put her in bed and wait outside her room. The first time she comes out, place her back in bed and say "it's bedtime, goodnight". The second time (and all subsequent times) just pick her up and put her back in bed without any words at all. This could take hours the first night or two but will work if you are consistent.

The second suggestion is what we actually did with our daughter when she was this age. We bought one of those childproof doorknob covers and placed it on the inside of her door so that she could not come out. She'll throw a pretty good tantrum but once she realizes she can't come out she'll give it up and go to bed. Once she is going to bed without the tantrums, you can remove the doorknob cover and tell her that you won't need to use it again as long as she stays in her bed at night.

Good Luck,
K.

My suggestion is find a chapter book or really long Dr. Seuss book and read her to sleep. My son falls asleep to Ramona books that I read to my older girls. It is really funny, but it works like a charm for him to hear the droning sound of my voice. I make sure it has no pictures to distract him, and I try to make it relatively age appropriate. Read books you liked as an older child, the borrowers or Harry Potter. For some reason the longer books just can't keep his interest long enough! Once she is asleep...no fighting, no fussing, no power struggle. Read magazine articles if you have to, or scriptures from the bible. Make sure she is awake for a few of them, or tell her it is the story of Noah and the animals, or Daniel and the lions, but the poor thing won't have a chance of getting all the way through. Oh, NOTE: I only read the droning book after I read the fun bedtime book so he doesn't get gypped! Good luck!

I agree with starting back at square one and establishing the bedtime routine again if at all possible. Each child is different and one specific technique doesn't fit every child's needs or situation. The nanny approach is fine but it doesn't mean it's the approach for everyone. My child was sick for a couple of months straight. She got in the habit of being held and sleeping in our bed and we didn't force her immediately back in her bed. She is better now and goes to asleep in her bed now. Of course, in the beginning she asked for "daddy's bed" but I told her no she's not sick anymore. She's 2 1/2. We said her prayers and she was okay. I don't agree with putting them through all of the tantrums right before bedtime knowing they're going to grow out of it anyway. I prefer calm, relaxing, and happy bedtime routines.Sometimes, "the nanny" style may be the only way but not always. And yes, I do watch the nanny and love that show.

I think the first suggestion was valid: is she needing to go back to a crib or toddler bed? also, do you not want her to come into your room? or is it because you're not "supposed" to? I personally think co sleeping is a wonderful way for the family to all get sleep. They do not sleep with you forever. My son knows that if he comes into our room, he shouldn't wake us. I have friends that put a blanket and pillow on the floor and have the same "don't wake us" rule.

Many people I know did the child proof doorknob thing, but I don't personally like that. I figure I'm a mom 24-7, so if I'm needed at night, that's fine. but if I can be there for my kids AND we all still sleep, that's much better for the family. Some people don't want to do that (and that's fine) but others would like to yet think it's "wrong". So I just thought I'd throw that one out there.