Help Me Understand Husbands Point of View

He has some points so don't totally discount him, just because he is focusing on looks and appearance. They are not the all in all but they do influence who wants to be nice or mean to us.

Every person judges people on how they look and act. If a man who is dirty and smells bad and is talking to himself sits next to you are the public park are you going to sit there and visit with him? Get up and move? Ignore him and try not to gag from the stench? Yell for the kids to run quickly to the car?

You have made a judgement on him based on appearance and actions.

I think the same as you as far as clothes for school. Safety and health come first then they can wear whatever they want after that.

The kids should be picking out the clothes with you. They could pick out the whole weeks worth of outfits on Sunday evening but in my house they change moods to often to do it more that the night before.

Tell him to do this with you so that he can see their faces and how they go about making the choices. That may allow him to input some choices and make him feel involved. He might only need to do this a few times so he gets the feel of how it's handled by you.

Once he is educated on what is acceptable or not he may lighten up.

Although his comments and feelings are coming from a good place - he cares about his daughter and wants the best for her. I don't agree with his approach. My only advice is to talk w/ him and acknowledge he wants what is best for her... then explain you do too. There will be many "battles" and you can't fight them all. Agree on which things you won't give in on... and which you won't fight (clothes fall into that category for me). Best of luck :)

Am I understanding this right? Your husband doesn't want your child left out because she has some special issues, but he is perfectly fine doing the same to another child?

Your husband is wrong. If your daughter likes this child, and that child is nice to your child, THAT is what matters.

Your husband ought to butt out and stop being hypocritical. I promise you that if he continues this with her, it will drive a wedge in between them. She will come to understand that not only can she not do anything to please him, but also that he doesn't trust her judgment, and that he feels that anyone with special needs or problems is not worthy of friendship. I hope that you can get him to see reason with this, I really do.

As far as clothes are concerned, don't have anything in the closet that she isn't supposed to wear. Lay out 3 choices for her. She is old enough now to get to help make the decision. Your husband needs to think about it like this instead of just being the "no" guy. As she grows, she needs to be able to make some choices so that she learns how to think for herself, and so that she feels like she has a say in SOMETHING in her life. Why on earth your husband cares one wit about outfits being too "cute", I have no idea. He needs to stay out of the girl clothes thing, imo, until she's a teen and wants to wear inappropriate stuff that daddies should fuss about.

Your husband needs to come to a real understanding about the difference in strictness and stifling. He is trying to stifle and that's wrong. It will come back to bite you in the butt if he doesn't work this out in his head.

Good luck,
Dawn

Your husband is insecure and like so many moms I have seen post here doesn't want his daughter to have the same issues he did. He is trying to protect her.

Does your husband have ADD as well? I know what it is like to have ADD, just one more thing to pick on me about, ya know? My self esteem sucked and that was the root of why I had problems with other kids. I was a bully magnet.

What your husband needs to understand is his behavior is actually hurting her self esteem. He is saying her choices are not valid, he is making her question herself. That will become self fulfilling prophecy if he doesn't stop.

Ummm, so he would rather her be friends with kids who are just going to like her because she conforms or wears the right clothes? How asinine.

You are right, he is wrong.

Your husband is wrong, and he is teaching her awful lessons.

I have nothing really to elaborate on that, because I can't believe a parent would actually teach their child what he is. It's sad.

Sure... I can explain his viewpoint - he misguidedly thinks that he is protecting her from future bullying etc. Of course he is still completly wrong, but I think his heart is in the right place. He may have had these problems when he was younger and is trying to help her avoid them?

I completely agree with you, maybe you need to have a separate discussion about how to handle bullying - then when that is done try to see if he understnds that trying too get your daughter to conform to a "standard" is not the right may to help.

Good luck!

I have words for your husband that I can't put on here or my post would be removed. Most of them have very few letters and insult my own intelligence.

He doesn't want K being friends with J because of the way she looks? I am tall and overweight and I can guarantee you there is nothing wrong with me, nor did my height or weight cause other kids to be teased growing up.

Who does your husband think he is?

Do you really want to understand his point of view or do you want encouragement to get him to change his very narrow-minded ways?

I feel bad for your girls having to listen to his rhetoric and knowing that they will grow up with at least a little bit of his nastiness.

TELL your husband to get over himself!!! So you don't agree on the clothes she was going to wear, that happens...big deal. Tell him to choose his battles. In a few years, his concerns may be her shorts, skirt, or top are too short. He will wish she still had those pajama pants.

Kids get teased and I believe they figure it out. Everyone gets teased, even the cool kids and even the cool adults. I hope he puts as much energy in her educational needs as he does her social needs.

My daughter has always held 98/98 percentile for both weight and height. She is in kindergarten and the size of kids anywhere from 2nd to 4th grade. She wears a size 12 in clothes and a size 3 in shoe. She is big. No one teases her due to her size, they may be a bit taken back when they hear her age, but never in a derogatory manner. Personally I think your daughter is leap years ahead of her father for accepting someone for who they are and not what they look like or for their intelligence. Something dad might want to stand back and take a look at.

I think you are doing a fine job with your daughter. Keep watching her grow into her own personality, with guidance of course. She will grow up to be a beautiful person with a beautiful spirit.

I think people might be being a bit harsh on your husband. I do understand his point of view. He already worries about K and her well-being. Things are tough enough for her, and he doesn't want things to be tougher. So he feels like being friends with J set her up as a bully target. Of course that makes sense to think that. He's thinking of his daughter.

HOWEVER. He needs to expand his view to the big picture. If J is not a troublemaker and could be a good friend, great. And what an opportunity to teach K how to be a good friend, to stick up for J if she gets picked on. This is a chance to teach K the basics of having and being a good friend.

It's probably hard for him to feel like he's creating a vulnerability in K. And while I'm sure he's a nice guy and doesn't wish any bad things on J, his primary concern is for K. And if he is 'stuck' in that, it isn't reasonable to think he would be so benevolent in his world view to make things nice for J. But again, it would help him to acknowledge his concerns and fears for K, and then move past that into what is the right thing to do and the moral-teaching moment he could have.

My daughter doesn't have the struggles that yours does, but I had the same worries. I really was hoping she would be with the group of friends least likely to be picked on. But as soon as she started school, I realized she naturally picked her friends. And often, the 'in' group can be mean, and especially mean to those who they know want in. So I quickly did a 180, let my DD pick her own friends, and began teaching her the value of friendship, inclusion, and kindness. She is now 12 and in 6th grade, and she is super confident and has a wide group of friends.

Be supportive of hubby. Make sure he knows that you understand his concerns for K, but that the best thing you can do for her is to encourage her friendship and teach her good, strong social skills that will last her long beyond kindergarten.

Oh, and for the clothes- I'd let her pick them out but do it the night before so you don't have crazy mornings. And if there need to be 'fashion rules', tell her those in advance. Like with my DD, the rule was 'busy shirt, plain tights, busy tights, plain shirt'. Helped a lot. :-)

Good luck.

i agree with soemone that said he was obviously the kid who got picked on or did the picking on. I would hope hes not superficial and got picked on and is J. afraid for her to feel that way.

He's teaching bad lessons. My daughter is friends with a kid a year or two older than her that she met in before/after care (Emmy wears cute girly glasses but can see without them and dresses cute- she's shy but in K so far friends with her whole class and has 2 best friends in her class) this little boy has huge glasses and is very tiny and has physical disabilites and cant see unless you are right in front of him.

I am SOOO proud she is his friend! I hope she's there when he gets picked on! So she can stand up for her friend and learns important lessons! Your husband is being a bully. I'm sue he J. wants to protect her but he's teaching your daughter to be mean to her friend and defriend her J. so she can be popular?
My daughter has learned so much from this little boy and I love that she's so innocent and can see his great attributes and look beyond appearances. So far she;s the only one I see playing with him in before and after and I'm glad he has her and I'm glad she has him to play with.

This is a tough one and I understand where your husband is coming from. I think this could be a long road of working with your daughter and husband vs a quick fix of "you're wrong, let her be friends with J." For one, I'd remind him they're still young. Friends change. The "in" crowd changes. But your husband is being practical. Everyone here can say he's being superficial, teaching your daughter the wrong things etc but end of day, he wants things to not be more difficult for her. And sorry but I see some kids who are targets and wonder if their parents help them out at all. If you honestly don't care if your daughter fits in and want her to be an individual, not caring if she has friends etc, that's fine. And as an adult, she'll likely value that. But in between could be tough which is what worries your husband. So seems like a compromise is likely in order. For instance, my daughter was wearing socks and teva type sandles. It looked very nerdy. I told her not to wear socks with those types of sandles. Sorry. She's very well liked and I don't get the sense that kids tease much yet (somehow the school keeps kids nice) but why would I want to open her up to older kids pointing and laughing? If she insisted on it after I explained some kids might tease her, it looked funny etc, then yes, I should let her do it. She is her own person. So I agree (in the minority) to a point with your husband tryign to stop your daughter from wearing something that might get her teased. If she already is a potential target, why give other kids ammunition? He didn't in the end force his decision on her and I wouldn't have allowed it to be a 20 min fight like he did but not sure his goal was so wrong. As for J, I would suggest that he not discourage the friendship but you could also try to facilitate other friendships for K too. Host playdates etc. My youngest isn't as socially adept as my oldest so I really make an effort to help her make friends. If she's becoming friendly with someone, I have the girl over. Only so much I can do but I do want to help as much as I can without being controllling. If in the end, K only likes J, she just doesn't make any more friends etc, then of course make K feel good about it and support her friendship. Even if J was super "popular", you'd want to encourage more than 1 friend...

No - I am sorry to be so blunt but your husband sounds very superficial. I was the shy kid with thick glasses that made my eyes look huge. I was teased. Guess what? Once I got into highschool and got contacts all that teasing stopped - why? because I didn't look different and also - I was SO very thankful for those true friends that were there for me.

Regarding clothes - at 8 I think she should be able to choose her clothes. You are right - if everything is covered and she likes it what's the problem? If it was a micro mini and her undies showed - different story. A child is going to be more confident in something they like themselves. I think this is a good age for her to learn self-confidence and the best way to do so is to let her be herself......with self-esteem she'll deal better with those who may tease her.

Keep in mind - I have a son with a diagnosis (was PDD-NOS later ADHD - both still on the fence) so I know and am sensitive to any teasing that may happen....I also want him to be comfortable in his own skin......

It's superficial, but I think in his own way, your husband just doesn't want to add to the things your daughter gets teased about. But, the people that are going to tease her for wearing "pajamas" or for being friends with J will find some other reason to pick on her anyway. Let her be herself and the rest will fall into place. (My friend who has an autistic son and I were talking about this the other day.... I told her the same thing. If people are going to pick on him for riding the bus to high school, even if you drop him off, they'll find something else to pick on him about. It's not like they'll say "Oh, he doesn't ride the bus anymore... I'll be his friend now.")

You do not judge others on how they look. Period. Every human being deservest the right to be treated with dignity and respect. And if J gives K dignity and respect, and vice versa, it should not matter what the other kids say about them. That message should be sent loud and clear to your daughter.

Your husband shares concerns that a lot of parents have -- on some level, we all want to be accepted and not singled out, and if it takes a little conformity to make sure that happens, then some of us will go for that. This is a legit concern, so you can agree with your husband on that. But, then, allow your daughter to decide where to go with this. At her age, she is likely aware of what she needs to do and say to be "cool" with the others. But, she may not like herself in that way, or, she feels strongly about something else. She should be allowed to explore who she is as a person and express herself accordingly. In the end, this is a healthier pschye for her to have and it will teach her the resilence she will need in to deal with life and with her ADD and other challenges.

Your husband loves your daughter and wants to protect her. He thinks that by picking her friends, he can shield her from being teased. He sounds like a wonderful dad who worries about and cared about his daughter very much.

However, its more important to teach her to be strong and self confident and to pick friends based on good friend criteria (nice, helpful, kind, etc) than to teach her to avoid situations or people others might be critical of.

Here is the truth - no matter what your daughter wears, no matter who she is friends with, or what classes she takes in school - your daughter will be teased because every kid gets teased.

Letting her pick her own clothes and her own friends and supporting her in her choices will help her to be self confident and strong when she IS teased and she will be able to shrug off the mean remarks.

Ok, this is going to be rough..

There is no way I can help you understand his view. The reason? Because he sounds cruel and superficial.

Good heavens. Is this how he feels about himself. Is he a hunky good looking man? In perfect shape, super intelligent? He certainly does not sound very kind or supportive.

I am also appalled at the poor attitude he has about his own child. Does he really think that people will pick on her? Does he think that because of who she is, she is a target?

We know our daughter has "weaknesses" in certain areas. Heck so do we.. But we play up her individuality and made her feel proud of that.

She and her friends are the geeky smart kids.. Think "Big Bang Theory"....

But we NEVER underestimated her. We told her nerds, dorks and individualist. rule the world..

It is easy to try to be like everyone else. But to be extraordinary, we must be ourselves.

He needs to grow up.. His attitude reminds me of those middle school mean girls.. Not a good look on a grown man with daughters.

Ditto Dawn!
Ditto Dawn!!

What Dawn said. Your husband, perhaps out of fear (maybe he was the odd boy out or something) to give him the benefit if the doubt, is making some really bad decisions about this. He isn't disciplining, he's controlling - and that's not the same thing. Unless a child is evil, dangerous, etc., there is no reason not to be friends with them. And seriously, the "odd" kids make friends with each other cause the so-called normal kids are jerks. Your husband is being a jerk and you need to call him on it.

IMO husband is not right. He's overly concerned with shallow issues and runs the risk of creating a problem with your daughters and how they treat and feel about people in the future.

But who is right or wrong in this matter doesn't matter. What I think is the more glaring issue you need to be concerned with is that you and your husband can not come to an agreement on how to raise the girls.

What you have cooking here is a values and morals battle. Sounds like neither of you share the same views on either virtue. This is going to be very problematic with bigger and more serious issues down the line concerning your daughters as they get older.

There is no solution other than communicating with hubby more. The way things stand right now, it seems your husband is set in his views and you aren't physically present enough when issues arise to have any say or influence with your kids when it counts (IMO when issues like this arise, you have to get your points in ..or strike the iron so to speak...while it's hot. You can't mold cold iron. With that said, inevitibly, good or bad... your children will eventually learn to adapt (ie. disobey) if not subcumb and accept your husband's shallow views on friendship and fitting in.

If this really bothers you, you're going to have to find a way to be more involved in the day to day decisions being made at home. To have a more cohesive home and parenting style, you're both probably going to have to consider couple's counseling. This left unchecked will create a terrible rift in your marriage and will probably happen when your children start finding interest in boys and start seeking more independence. They will use the disunity between you and your spouse to rebel and get their own way. The only way to keep peace in the home is for you and hubby to come to a compromise on how to run the household. JMO

Oh! How sweet!!! Your husband just wants to protect his baby. He might not be going about it in the best way, but he's just a daddy wanting to see his little girl have a happy childhood. Cut him some slack and talk about this some more. This is so not about clothes and about a nice girl she met at school. He wants his little girl to be accepted by the other kids. I'm sure if the two of you have an ongoing discussion, you'll come to a place where you can both be happy and both feel good.

No, your husband is not right. He seems shallow to me. I think he'd rather your daughter be a part of the popular (lack of a better word) group. I don't think he's being shallow on purpose though I think that in his mind your daughter will have a better school experience if she is well liked and has more friends than just J. I think it's daddy protecting his baby girl even though he's going about it wrong.

Okay this is going to sound harsh but your husband while well meaning is wrong is this regard. I would encourage your daughter to be who she is that includes dressing how she wants provided it's appropriate for her /something you as a parent don't feel is offensive. She should always be encouraged to be friends with whomever provided they are not a negative influence. Children of all ages are going to have issues and maybe your daughter befriending this girl will help J out in the long run and who knows I'm sure K will benefit as well.

I can understand your husband not wanting your child to be bullied or picked on but guess what no matter what kids will always find a reason to pick on other kids and be mean. They're kids and naturally for one reason or another some children are downright mean. However, that does not mean that K will be traumatized due to her clothing or friend choices. Please, let her be herself and befriend whomever she chooses; again provided none of this goes against your values as parents.

IMHO you and your husband need to have a private talk about these matters and come to the same page and be a united front while she is still young before the teenage years hit.

*Honest advice coming from a mom of an 8 year old little girl with ADHD & an autistic 5 year old son

Why is he so concerned about his daughter getting teased? Was HE teased as a child, or is his just very controlling? Attempting to control her friends and what she wears makes me feel like yes, he is :(
Is your daughter happy at school and with her friends? If she is then I would try to have a conversation about it. Say, look our daughter is happy and is old enough to pick out her own clothes, she is not being teased, she's doing fine, what exactly is it you are worried about? Don't be confrontational about it, just be genuinely interested in his opinion. Maybe he's just having a hard time with her growing up and he needs to talk about it.

No, your husband isn't right.

May K be there when J gets picked on, if she gets picked on? Yes, she may be. The meanness of what others may or may not do should not stop your daughter from being friends with someone who is nice and is willing to be friends.

Even Tara Banks was homely in elementary school. Her words.
From her biography: When she was eleven, she grew four inches and lost 30 pounds.

Your husband may feel her "friend" is one of those you want her to avoid. "(as long as the kids are not trouble makers, drugs, skipping school, that sort of stuff). "

Only you and your husband can tell and only then if you not only talk, but actually communicate. I get the feeling from your write up that there is not enough talking and almost no communicating.

I get the feeling that you and your husband both want what's best for your daughter, you just may have a differing opinion as to what that "best" is.

Good luck to you and yours.

Husband is WRONG in acting on superficiality. Your daughter can have whatever friends she likes - even the druggies - I was friends with them and actually got a friend off drugs and to graduate high school WITH her class. So, hubby needs to not stress too much on the superficial, you should also have "school clothes" and "home clothes" much like adults have "office/work clothes" and "home clothes" for your girls to choose from. I agree that pajama style clothes are not the best for school, but I do not agree with his reasons (appears he does not like the style). I think pajama style clothes send the wrong message about school not being a child's "workplace." I think children should dress for success at school just like adults need to dress for success at work. Jeans and a nice top or a dress and leggings, but yoga, pajama style etc pants have no place in a professional enviornment (unless you are a yoga instructor).

Well, he wants to protect her - that's a good thing.
His way of going about is half a** backward but he means well.
And there are some things a parent just can't protect against.
Friends are just going to be something he and you navigate - you are going to like some and you are going to hate others - because kids pick their own friends no matter what you do once they are old enough - every parent deals with this.
Having no friends would get in the way of your child growing/learning about social interactions.
Having the 'right' friends is tricky because 'right' is a moving target that can never achieved.
As far as clothes picking out goes, there's nothing wrong with a child picking out their own outfit - the night before.
Some kids would never get out the door if you let them choose in the morning.
You pick out your outfit the night before and then no changing your mind in the morning.
So you are right in that child can choose her clothes (at night) and husband is right when he says you (he should mean himself) needs to be more strict in not giving into the whining about wardrobe changes in the morning.
Dad could use some more thought about effective protecting because his current line of thinking is not going to achieve the desired result.

Jo W. said it. (I haven't read any further.)

You guys, as parents, can't let yourselves be bullied.

That probably sounds harsh, but I actually mean it warmly and compassionately. It sounds like your husband, with the best intentions in the world, is letting potential bullies decide who your daughters friends are, what she wears every day, etc. This is so sweet and understandable, really, but it sends the message that bullies are all powerful and they, not your daughter, not her parents, get to make all her choices in life. The message from a dad to a daughter should be, instead, "I think you're wonderful just the way you are, and if anyone has a problem with who you are, I personally will punch them in the nose."

In all practicality, too, friends -- any friends in the world -- are the best defense against bullying. Bullies look for vulnerability and helplessness, and who's more helpless and vulnerable than a kid with no friends at all? Okay, so K may wind up sitting at the "uncool" table in the cafeteria. Who cares???? If she's with a whole group of "uncool" kids, they'll probably have some cruel remarks sent their way, but it won't be the kind of painful, shattering bullying that happens to one kid alone.

It really sounds like K is already smart enough to know that she may not fit in with the in-crowd but she can still have friends and enjoy school. This is a brave, wise recognition. She just needs to know her parents have her back.

I think your husband was either the kid that got teased or the one that did the teasing since he is so worried about this happening to her. I think she should be able to be friends with this girl regardless. As far as clothes, I always let my kids pick out something but it did have to at least match somewhat. So if they put on plaid shorts with a different kind of plaid shirt, I told them one piece had to be changed.

Your husband needs to learn that your daughter picking out her own clothes is a GOOD thing for her. Leave a few options for her when you leave or let her pick out the outfit the night before. This is not a battle to be picked. She is young and will make many friends. I think its nice she befriended this little girl. Tell your husband not to worry, this girl sounds really nice.

I understand that your husband is being overprotective. All parents are but here's the thing she should pick her own clothes like you said. She should also pick her own friends as long as they are not bad influences. So the other girl is "different" nothing wrong with that.