HELP! How to Get Four Year Old Out of Our Bed!

Stop with all the 'special stuff' and keep it simple and consistent. You need the SAME response every single time, and the response needs to be boring, plain, and unemotional.

Follow your usual bedtime routine and the put him in his bed at night. Tell him he is to stay in bed. Kiss him goodnight and leave.

He gets out, you patiently and without talking, put him back.

He gets out, you patiently and without talking, put him back.

If he falls asleep but then gets out at 10:00 at night, you patiently and without talking, put him back.

If he gets out at 4:00 in the morning, you patiently and without talking, put him back.

You've given him everything under the sun...and he still manages to find a way to get into your bed. If I were this kid, I'd think I was in heaven! I'd be angling for a new bike, a bigger allowance, a pony, whatever...because I could sense my parents are desperate to get me back into my own bed but I KNOW they're going to eventually give in and I could sleep in their bed yet still reap rewards.

You need to send one simple message. When it is time to go to bed, it is time to go to bed for the night and he must stay there. You've got a smart kid on your hands, so breaking this habit is going to take a long time. Be mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared for that. It might take a few weeks of having to do the 'back to bed' dance. The first week will probably be hell. But, if you have decided that you want your four year old out of bed and for good, then you need to send one single, consistent message and stick with it. Every time you change your method, you give him a prize, you let him in the bed reinforces to him that eventually he will wear you down and cause you to give up.

Good luck to you. I cannot imagine that this is easy. Hang in there; it will get better.

2 moms found this helpful

Have you tried to spend a few nights in his room with him. Of course, I'm no expert, just a suggestion! Maybe you could sleep on an air mattress in his room, so that he knows you are still with him. That might make it more comforting to him. I have to admit, my daughter and I spent a week with my mom, and there were so many weird noises, even tho we slept in the same bed together, she cried every night it was time to go to bed. It was very scary to her. It seems like he may be feeling a bit confused with all of the new events in his life, and probably a bit scared. I agree with the post that someone will tell you one thing and down the street someone will tell you the opposite.

I have learned you just have to do what YOU feel comfortable. NOONE is the perfect parent, no matter how many books they have read, shows they watch, or speakers they have seen. Our daughter would not sleep anywhere other than in our bed. I was consistent, but I also realized the dangers associated with not getting any sleep at night. Which one was worse?? Her sleeping with us, or me not sleeping all night and trying to care for her during the day? What we did, so that our daughter could still sleep in our room, but not in our bed, was took one side off of her crib and pushed it up against ours. It happens to be very close to being flush with our mattress! That way, she is still with us, but in her own space, and getting used to her own bed at the same time. Eventually the plan is for her to be able to sleep in her own bed in her own room, but for now, this works for us. Just listen to your heart. I know you are just seeking advice, but do what works for you guys, it will all work out. Good luck!

Also...have you tried a night light?? I know it sounds obvious, but just checking! :)

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HI A.! I hear this complaint so much from my friends. I always say what is the big deal?! They are little and want their Mommy and Daddy. It is natural. I think that it is unnatural to make them be by themselves. I know for myself I do not like to sleep alone. I promise by the time they graduate from High School they will be in their own bed. Make sure that you make Mom and Dad time and the rest will fall into place!

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It seems that your little boy is still needing you close at night to feel secure. Maybe it is because he has recently experienced many transitions in his world. My advice would be not to force him out. Let him sleep in your bed until he does feel more secure.

If that is not an option, maybe you and daddy could take turns sleeping with him in his bed for a few nights. Then after a few nights, just lay down with him until he falls asleep. Let him know that you will be going back to your own bed after he is asleep because that is where you get better rest. After a few more nights of this, try just reading and cuddling before he goes to sleep in his bed. Make his bed a place where he has happy memories.

You might also try having him and his older sister sleep in the same bed.

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Hi A.,

I am not criticizing your parenting. Many of us don't realize what we encourage by our own actions. I hope you will see what I mean after reading this.

If this is a new thing since all your moves this may be part of it. Even then it needs to stop! I'm surprised your daughter hasn't caught on yet!

You've told him what will happen if he comes in your bed, put him back, used a gate, rewards etc & yet he still does it. It is because he is more determined then you & your husband are. He has learned (because of your actions) that if he continues his actions, you will give up & he gets what he wants! You have unconsciously encouraged his behavior to keep trying.

You & your husband need to decide what to do(no reward), when he comes into your bed. Talk to your son about what will happen and stick to it! It won't be easy for any of you, but if you want to break this habit that's what it's going to take! That means if it takes all night every night for the next week then so be it. He will realize you mean business!

Once he has stopped coming to bed with you, most likely he will try again sometime in the future to see if the rule still stands. Perhaps only once in a while for a special occasion. Let him know that and allow it only once. You can not give in or it may start all over!!!!

WHO IS IN CHARGE???? That's a question I like to ask parents. We all know who should be in charge!!!! Our job as parents is to set boundaries for our children so they can learn that they can't have or do everything they want.

It is easier to give in, but usually will haunt us later! Stand firm in your rules. It's OK to break them once in a while, but only when you want to!

Kids will continue to try different things or test the old rules as they grow. As a loving, caring parent, you need to stand firm with the rules & consequences when they are broken !!! Some kids are more determined then others, some will stop after a couple of times. They are all different!

It gets more difficult as they get older, so if you teach them at a young age that mom & dad mean what they say & follow through with your threat, they may not test as much!!!

Good Luck, I wish you the best!!!

K. :-)

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One of the things a friend suggested is keeping a air mattress under your bed. If they get scared and feel that they have to be near you they can pull out the mattrees and sleep on that. This way they are near your and yet you get to create a seperattion from them and keep your bed to yourself.

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Well, I am not one of those who are going to insist you get him out of there. In fact, quite the opposite. Children actually belong in the same room with their parents until they are ready to sleep alone,and this is different for each child. Our modern practice of banishing kids alone in a dark room is barbaric and contributes to many of the problems we see today. However, most kids are ready to separate around 3 or 4 and your child has certainly had some disruptions so he might not be ready just yet. That said, you are probably wanting your bed back! So, I would put a small mattress, like a crib mattress, on your floor with blankets and a pillow and let him know that he is welcome to sleep there. If you keep insisting you want him out, no matter how nicely you do it, he'll feel rejected and it won't give him a positive impression of sleeping in his own room. So, see how he does sleeping in your room but not in the bed and let it go for a little while. Then spend time playing with him in his bedroom and making sure he sees it as a familiar and comforting place. Maybe after a couple weeks start doing the bedtime routine in his room, if you don't already, and see if he'd like to try his own bed. If not, let him know it's ok to sleep on his mattress in your room. If you make as little of an issue about it as you can he'll make the transition when he's ready. Humans are pack animals and families have slept together for millenia. He is doing what 1000s and 1000s of years have programmed him to do. Imagine what it must be like from his perspective: he's feeling insecure because of moving and starting school and then he's being forced out of what he sees as his own bed! Do NOT punish him. He's not committing a crime, he's trying to get a need met. he's child not a criminal. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My now 15 year old was like that but obviously he moved on from there. All kids are different. My other kids were different. Sounds like he is responding to all the changes in his life. I think you should do what you think he needs right now and forget about what every else thinks. For thousands of years things were done differently and today we think we are right. I think that is crazy. It sounds like you should take your time to make sure the transition goes well. I used to lay down with my son in his room until he fell asleep and sometimes I would just stay there until the next morning cause I was too tired to move. I can also tell you my 15 year old is the best adjusted child out of my 4 kids and he was in and out of our bed until 6. The one that never wanted to be in our bed is the most difficult. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do but remember only you know your child and what he needs. You can find someone anywhere to tell you what you are doing is wrong and then down the street they'll tell you the opposite.

1 mom found this helpful

Our Daughter is 4 and has been in our room ONLY b/c she has been having night terrors BUT she JUST went back in her room and when she comes out I take her BACK in and hug,kiss and say time to sleep. IF done again I do it again BUT no hug and kiss walk OUT. Do it over and over till she gets it in her head HER room is HERS and YOUR room is for mommy and daddy. Sry I saw some say not a big deal UM YES it is Mom and dad need some time as well RIGHT lol. We do not have her in our bed she is on the floor on a very cushioned up bed... I do lay with her some nights till she doses off and have her a CD with HER name in it with sleepy songs saying her name she LOVES that CD and I play it over and over all night.. Might try that....

nanny 911 is a good program and you really should watch it or ask them for the help.one thing is you must be persistant.seems you are caving in too much.put on a opera or some soothing music.gospel if you area church person and turn on a nite lite.sit outside of the door and keep putting him back in the bed.other wise you might not have a marriage much longer.theparents bed is NEVER the place for a child K.

I guess i'm wondering if your 2 kids share a room? all of my kids went through a period of sneaking back into our room or our bed somewhere between the ages of 3 and 4. and mostly, it was when they still had their own room. once we switched them to sharing rooms even if it was a temporary situation, really helped. they didn't feel so alone. heck, my kids will still "bunk up" together every now and then. we'll get out the sleeping bags, pillows, etc, and the kids all sleep in the living room. it's fun for them for a night, then they all appreciate going back to their own rooms into their own beds. good luck!

I know how you feel, I have a 7 year old that wants to sleep with us. He will stay in his bed once we move him after he falls asleep. Have you tried a sleeping bag on the floor? Just tell him (or try to tell him!) that he is getting so big that it is really hard to sleep with 3 people in your bed and if he wants to sleep in your room he can sleep on the floor. It might not get him out of your room, but at least out of your bed.

My son loves to cuddle, so we started giving him time frames. He can lay with us in bed for 15-20 minutes but then he will have to move, either to his bed or to the floor. I find he falls asleep faster then we can move him into his own bed.

Good luck, I know it is not easy. We have been trying for years as well. I think it started out as a real fear, his room was the farthest down the hall & over the garage so he would hear noises or think of things. We moved him closer, tried the new furniture, special toy but I think those fears became apart of him and we can't rationalize them, they are real to him. People keep telling us he won't be a teenager wanting to sleep with mom & dad. At least if you can get him on the floor you might get a good nights sleep!

Hi A........

Have you tried putting those glow in the dark stars, moons and planets on his walls and ceiling? That might help.......Also, how about reading him a story until he falls asleep. Have a set bedtime for him and then read him a story or talk to him until he falls asleep. Another thing might be to put a radio in his room with nice quiet and gentle music to play while you read the story and/or just sit with him and listen to the music.......let the music stay on all night for a while then eventually you can turn it off when you go to bed.......these all worked for me......try not to stress out and hang in there.

When its bed time, you could read him a book or two before he sleeps in his bed or get a small cd player and let him listen to music well he sleeps. Maybe give him an item that smells like you to sleep with or have a picture of you that he could look at as he trys to go to sleep.

My 4 year old will be 5 at the end of May. She only started sleeping in her own room through the night for about the last month. We had tried it before, but she always woke up in the night. Previously, she slept in her own bed right next to ours. She usually crawled in with us sometime during the night and went right back to sleep. I agree that the transitions your son has gone through lately may make him need to be close to you at night. Or, like my child, he just might not be ready. Mine had a friend spend the night, and she wanted to be able to sleep in her own room for that occasion. She has slept in her own room through the night since then. She was finally ready.

A.,

The only way to stop this is to just keep taking him back. We had this problem with our youngest. We had to just do it cold turkey, and stay firm, and quiet about it and take her back to her room again and again. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the only way.

Our daughter was truly scared sometimes, and once we got her back in her own bed on a regular basis, we put a futon mattress just under the bed that she could pull out if she was really, really scared. We had to be very strict about that too, it was only there for emergency for her, but it did ease her anxiety to know that she could come in if she was terrified. She was not allowed go to sleep there, and she could not come in when she had trouble sleeping, she could only use it if she was really scared.

Don't give up. He will make it. I swear, we walked her back a hundred times...

M.

In a rare second of attempting humor here be glad they aren't both in your bed!!! All you can do at this point is put him back in his own bed. Maybe stay a few minutes, read to him, put on some music to lull him, make sure there is a light of some type to keep the shadows at bay. When he comes and gets in your bed, once he is back to sleep put him back in his own bed. He will out grow this. Like if he wants to have a friend come and spend the night you have to explain that they both can't sleep in your bed and will have to sleep in his room.
Good luck.

Punishment must deter the crime, not fit it.
Tell him how it is going to be and then stick with it. Your child obviously knows nothing is going to happen to him when he gets up and comes in your room or he wouldn't do it. Try a swat on the bottom (to get his attention)and stand him in the corner. Tell him he has to stay there until he decides to stay in his bed. Continue this until he does what you say. You will probably have to physically hold him in the corner. Be calm but firm.
He will fight you, he will cry. It will be hard. You will get frustrated. But, after 2-3 nights, I'm willing to bet he will be sleeping in his own bed. And you will be much happier.

Sounds like you haven't been consistant enough for long enough.

We had our oldest in our bed for a LONG time because she had a fibral seizure when she was less than a year old, and it scared us to death. Once the temperature spikes seemed to not be quite as strong, and we had a second child, it didn't seem fair that the oldest got to sleep with us while the youngest slept in a crib.

SO, when the youngest turned about 18 months, we got the room all set up (it was already painted and had appropriate furniture, we just rearranged everything) and put in a humidifier that has a night-light shining through the tank (Sunbeam). We told her on Thursday night (we wanted to make sure to do this over a weekend because we both work Monday-Friday) that starting the next night (Friday), she and her sister were going to sleep in their own special beds in their own room! So she knew she had one more night with us, and then it would be in her own room.

We have had a few occasions since then where she's slept with us only because one night she sounded like she was going to be croupy (we ended up taking her to the hospital for a special breathing treatment) and when she and I had that stomach virus that's going around (DH spent the night in the girls room with the youngest so at least those who were well (or better than we were) could try to get a decent nights sleep).

Anyway - the point is that she sleeps in her bed, and she has occasionally said, "I want to sleep in here." I'll tell her, "I know you do, but this is Mommy and Daddy's bed." Sometimes when the youngest is asleep for a nap, we'll have "quiet time" in our room - she'll have her buddies and her blanket, and maybe a toy or two, and we'll watch some of her favorite shows.

Most of the techniques I've seen usually take one night, two at the most. You start by developing a night-time routine, and then tell them goodnight. Every time they get up out of bed, put them back without saying a word, and keep doing it until they stay. End of story. It might take 2-3 hours, and I've heard of it taking longer.

I will tell you that that worked with us until a couple nights, she had some really bad dreams. So now when we go into her room, we'll read a few stories, do some shadow puppets, and then we talk for a minute or two - I'll tell her all the wonderful things she did that day that were a big help, and will stay with her for about 10 minutes (on the end of the bed) until she gets settled, and then walk out. She'll grab my hand sometimes just to make sure I'm there. It never takes longer than 10 minutes, and she stays in her bed, except to go potty, through the night.

For what it's worth....and good luck.