Help--I Embarass My Daughter!

Never stop going, we need all the support we can get from parents. At least you care enough to go. Some parents never come . My kids are all grown and i still go to the school to support the team (football , wrestling. Volly ball etc. And when i have grand children i will be at their games to to suppot them!!! Thats what good parenting is good for you i applaud you!!!!

Please know that it's probably just a phase. But you should try to get to the root of the problem. Is she worried you're going to tell the other moms something about her? Or find out something about her? It just sounds weird. Or do you not "look" good enough? I don't know. But good luck! Don't take it too much to heart.

Hi C.,
Those preteen-teenage years can be a nightmare for both parent and child! Having 3 grown children of my own, a teenage grandson, AND working at both the Middle School and High School for many years I can perhaps shed a little light on to your problem.

Some kids feel a little added pressure when the parent is at their games - not that the parent stresses to them verbally to do their best yadda yadda but the child feels they need to perform extra well cause my parent is there.

Also - they are now at that age when they recognize the opposite sex ... perhaps a cute classmate of hers goes to the games and she feels like she can't "be herself" when mom is around.

The other reason she might feel the way she does - and Lord knows I'm hoping I don't hurt your feelings BUT if you dress provocitively, or are a larger woman, or something of that nature - she may feel uneasy because other kids might have said something and that could be a reason why.

Whatever the case might be - I'd have a heart to heart with her and ask her point blank, is it the way I dress? Is my hair done weird? Is it because there is a boy you want to talk to after the game? Make sure she knows that no matter what you tell her, you will still love her.

Good Luck!
D.

Hello C.! Tell her how you feel! Be honest with her. Let her see you cry if that's how you feel. I remember being embarrassed about my mom (she was awesome, I had no reason to be embarrassed!) and she told me how hurt she felt when I didn't want her around. I hated hurting my mom. She was/is so important to me, I started treating her like she was the most important person.
Keep going to those games! You are a mom but you are a PERSON too! Don't let your kids shame you in to staying home or let them dictate to you where you should or should not be seen.
Mabey talking to her and telling her how you feel will help her deal with her own "issues" and she will be able to talk with you. Explain that you are proud of her and that's why you want to see her play (you probably have, it's just nice to hear it again:).
Above all, she must know how it makes you feel. If she can't give an explanation for why she is embarrassed by you then mabey a hug, a nice smile and a "get over it sweetie" is the best way to go.
Good luck to you, Mom! One day your kids will see the incredible value they have in having a mom like you!

I think your daughter is just being a typical hormonal teenager. Do not ever quit going to her games because in the end, that will only make you more separate from her life and she might end up resenting you for it. Just tell her that you're sorry you embarass her but you love her and are always going to support her, so for now, that means going to her games. If she doesn't like you talking to the other moms, do you know why? Maybe she thinks you don't pay attention to her playing....or maybe she is afraid you will find out something that she told one of her friends??

I can bet that in her heart she would be sad if you stopped going to her games. I would say something like this," I am sorry if you are embarrassed by me attending your games...I am sure a lot of other girls feel the same about their mothers too at this phase of life, however, I love you and I am very interested in your games...you may not get this but I am your # ONE FAN and will be in everything you do so even though you may not like it...I will be attending your basket ball games and other things throughout your life". You might want to ask her what you do at the games specifically that embarrasses her you might find it is a simple thing that you could change or you might find it is nothing you can't control. I do feel at certain times it is healthy to let your child do things alone..however playing sports is not one of them. This is where they need support. Good luck. I don't even have a teenager yet. I have worked with this age group...so I know they can be difficult. I think the best thing you can do is show her you have a good self esteem and even though she wants you away you will continue to show up.

Hi C.. I don't have personal experience with this from my daughter yet- she's only six, but my gut is telling me that in the long run, you are better off continuing to go. It shows your daughter that you are there for her and support her...no matter what. When she is older, she will look back and see that. There is a lot of life beyond the angry teenage years. I can completely see myself saying to my mother "I can't believe I told you not to come and you actually listened to me- what did I know?" Maybe there's something else she is wanting to do that she doesn't want you to see? I'm not accusing, just throwing out possiblilities. Hang in there and remember that teenage brains do physically differ from adults' in their size, and chemical makeup...there are physical reasons for them processing things the way they do. Hang in there. You are obviously a good mom and will get through these fun years!

Hi C.,

You have to do what you think is best...and missing your daughter's sport's events is not best, so go.

My husband and I never had to go through this stage with either of our boys, but several of their friend's parents did. I remember them making comments about this very thing. I told them the same thing I'm telling you....just go. You want to be there and that is what is important, and some day it will be important to her, too. If you don't go, not only will you be miserable, but she might use that against you later.

C.

Why is she embarassed?
If you are not yelling and making a spectacle of your self, what is the problem.

Does she enjoy having her younger sibling at the game, or is she embarrassed about that?

Does she not like what you wear?
Ask her what it is she doesn't like.
If you cna leave your little one home, record the game as you sit there, and then watchit together and she can tell you how she felt during the game.
Oh... how much playing time does she get? Is that what she does or doesn't like?

She has her own agenda, ask her what it is that embarrasses her.

Hi C.
you said she doesn't like you talking to the other parents.Is this because you tell them things that may embarass her, or does she not want you to find out what is going on when she is not home. I guess Iwould question that comment a little. Good Luck

I went through the same thing with my daughter when she was 12-18. She will be 22 next week and has a 10 month old son now and I am suddenly smart and helpful. So it will change.
I have 2 suggestions for you: first ask her what it is that embarrasses her so about you. She might think you need an update in clothes or hairstyle. Or she's afraid that you will talk about the wrong things (and who knows what that could be). If it isn't too much of a hassel or expense have her go shopping with you and pick out a couple of outfits to wear to her games, or get a new hairstyle. I truely believe that there is nothing wrong with your appearance but it might open the lines of communication. For me I have been wearing my hair in the same style since 1979 it works for me and I like it. My hair is very fine and difficult to work with unless it is permed. So have been wearing it cut in layers and permed tight for 30 yrs. I won't change it for anyone.
The other suggestion is a bit outragous but it worked for me. I told my daughter to knock it off and whether she liked it or not this is who I am and I'm not changing for her or anyone. And if she didn't knock it off I would take her to the Mall wearing an orange shirt--green pants-- one red shoe and one purple shoe and I would hold her hand and say 'hi' loudly to everyone she knew and wave at everyone. She knew I would do it and she knocked off the behavior.
I know how much this hurts but it is a phase and she will outgrow it. She should be thrilled that you can and will go to her games and support her in her efforts. I have been out of high school for 35 yrs and it still hurts that my dad never went to anything and always told me how unimportant it was. She should be thankful you are there for her.

It's the age. Really. I teach middle school, and I have 8th graders who will go so far as to throw away parent volunteer request forms because they don't want their parents to come along on field trips. It will pass eventually. You have to decide whether you want to "respect her wishes" and not go, or power through and tell her it's part of life.

My daughter just turned 13. I believe that is the age where one starts learning about themselves and the begining of wanting some serious independence. I feel my daughter is distancing herself somewhat from me. I always go to her ball games and concerts as I think you should as well. As others have said in so many words - be her biggest fan and be there for her. One thing I do is occasionally have one on one time with my daughter. We will grab a bite to eat, talk a walk or shop. Let the conversations go where they go and listen. Keep the line of communication open - our girls are growing. You have some great advice and ideas. Good luck.

C....

I agree with so many of the great gals that have responded to you already....it's the age! I can't speak from your side of the fence (yet...I'm just due with our first child in June)....but I can speak from your daughter's side of the fence. I remember those days all too well! I hate to admit it now as I feel like such a schmuck...but my mom embarassed me too for some reason. Everyone else's mom was 'cool'...but not mine. I was all in all a good kid growing up. Never missed a curfew...never drank or did drugs...got straight A's....active in school...etc....but I remember the horrid pre-teen & teenage years when I was not very nice to my parents...especially my mom. It breaks my heart to think about the little punk that I was back then!

For what it's worth...this will pass! Your daughter will grow up and realize how special you are and how much she adores you and appreciates every minute with you. She will look back on this one day and regret that she acted this way towards you....I guarantee it. So please TRY not to take it too personally (I know that has to be so much easier said than done)...but please try to know it's not you or ANYTHING you are doing. And certainly don't cave and stop going or stop talking to the other mom's. Because then your daughter is going to think she has 'defeated' you and gotten her way....but deep down inside, I guarantee you it's going to hurt her to NOT have her mom there.

You are doing GREAT! Hang in there, C.! And always remember all the support you have here on Mamasource! We're all here for you! *hugs*

-L.

Keep going to her games, and keep behaving as you're doing. Don't sit in the back row, don't keep to yourself. The only thing "wrong" here is you have a teenaged daughter!

I asked my parents not to come to some events because I was embarrassed by them, so they didn't come. I really regret it.

When your daughter looks back, she will be glad you are there!

O.K. I am going against what everyone else says, but I "was that girl" at one time, and I disagree - I would leave her alone.

Honestly, I didn't like my mom at that age, and I didn't feel like she was ever supportive of me, so I felt like she didn't need to be a part of my victories or my defeats. Whether or not she realized it, she was very critical, and I figured she didn't need to part of my hobbies and interests.

She did what you all recommend, and continued to go, and I began refusing to compete. I wish she had just left me alone.

I am now about 20+ years past this, and I still wish I would not have refused to compete, but it seemed to be the only way to get her to stop coming. My coach finally made her leave. It was one of the only things I enjoyed (at that time in my life), and I gave it up to prove a point.

Now, we are very, very good friends, but I still believe she could have eased my discomfort and anger if she had just left me alone when I needed it.

I recommend you ask her why she doesn't want you to attend. You explain why you want to attend. If she still is adamant, leave her alone. This, too, shall pass.

I hate to be blunt, but you have a teenager, what do you expect?! :) Weren't you embarrassed by your parents when you were a teen? And some teens are "worse" than others in that dept. Absolutely do NOT stop going to her games. When she is an adult she will be grateful that you were always there for her. Just show up, talk to the other moms, and let her deal with it. And I would tell her that it is up to her if she embarrassed but that we don't talk rude to the people we love, to try to knock out any rude talk she might do to you at the games. Also, rude teenagers shouldn't get as many privledges at home. It is possible for them to be teens and to be pleasant to be around! But someday she will get over it! Just a matter of whether it is in 1 year or 10 years! And let it roll off your back or you could spend the next 10 years being hurt! Don't make her problem your problem! Good luck! There is a reason they are babies before they are teenagers! Hold on to all that love to get you thru the next few years!

Twelve is such a hard age. I remember being totally mortified of my mom and dad appearing in public with me. I wanted them to drop me off a block before school so that no one saw them, didn't want them to go to my games, etc. I totally regret that behavior now, I really hurt my moms feelings, and it was just my self esteem issues that made me so insecure. I think you should still go, and just try and remind her that a lot of the other girls feel the same way about their parents also, and that none of them notice you any more than she notices their parents. Part of maturity is realizing that most people are so worried with their own stuff that they barely notice what anyone else is doing. It is humbling and a relief all at the same time, don't you think? :) BTW, she will get over this as she gets older and more confident, and you will soon again be one of the most important people in her life, and she will probably feel really bad for hurting your feelings like this when she is mature enough to realize that her attitude towards you was not the greatest.

Hi C.,

Well, I was completely the opposite at that age. My parents were the ONLY mom and dad that made it to EVERY SINGLE VOLLEYBALL game for my sister and I. I was extremely proud and happy to have them there.

Although, I do remember being very emotional when it came to other aspects of my teenage years..... You need to talk to your daughter. Be honest with her. And make sure that you tell her that you love her. EVERY DAY. Those years are very tough and young girls tend to feel alone in what they are dealing with. They don't understand all the changes that are happening and becoming a teenager is a scary and yet exciting thing.

I would still be at all her games. At that age, kids still need a ton of supervision and it's great to be able to support your kids through showing up at their events and at the same time being a responsible parent.

Make sure that she knows she can talk to you. Maybe you need to start doing a mom and daughter night every couple weeks. Just the two of you can make special plans together (you could let her decide or take turns planning) and maybe she would start to open up to you. Or be able to deal with her emotions...... Good Luck. It's going to get even tougher. You just need to hang in there and keep the communcation lines open!

C.,

I've read through the other responses, to make sure what my heart is telling me is right. It is. You need to sit your daughter down and ask her why, then, simply give her an ultimatum. She is 12. She is not the adult in the relationship, you are. The ultimatum would be best if put completely blunt -- "I will quit going, when you quit playing. It is as simple as that."

Her feelings of being embarrassed by her parents will subside in a few years, remember the old saying, "The older they get, the dumber we become."

Don't let her be the dictating factor in your household now because it will go to her head and only get worse later on if you do.

My *best* advice would be to talk with her father, be a unified front against her attitude. Normally a child will chose a "favorite" parent during these trying times. I know my dad was my favorite, but when mom started pitting him against me where my attitude was concerned, I knew I'd better just give it up and maintain my position in the pecking order of the family.

Best of luck to you!

I'm a high school teacher, so I tend to give kids your daughter's age more power than they should have, but do you know WHY you're (supposedly) embarrassing her? If it's just your presence, GO ANYWAY. Ask her. Maybe there's something that's bothering her in particular...something silly, that you can easily remedy--other parents wear sweatshirts and you wear work clothes. Other parents bring pompoms and you don't. Who knows. You alone can decide whether her embarrassment is worth remedying or whether it's just her being 12. I know my husband (who is now 31) was embarrassed a little by his mom being SO loud, and now forbids me to act that way when our boys are old enough to play sports (our oldest is 4 now!). BUT...my parents didn't attend my sporting events, and now I'm a little sad about it. I wouldn't let her embarrassment get in the way of you showing your love and support, but I would try to find out what in particular embarrasses her.

Hi C., My daughter will only be two next month but being a teenager once and not wanting my parents around the gym was a big thing for me. I wanted to act cool, get involved in some things I probably should not have wanted to try.
Here is my point; My parents never stopped and now I am proud of it. They never missed a game, a play, a confrence.
Your daughters age right now is so important and as much as she wants to push you away she really does need you.
Work it out with her. My parents did with me. Negotiate some rules. My parents came after games started. Left right at the end and waited for me in the car. I had a half an hour and then they came to find me.
It gave me some independance but it also keep me safe and away from bad behavoir.
She has a reason for not wanting you there she just does not want to tell you.
Good luck.

In my opinion, you should continue to go to her games. I have four younger siblings, one still in high school, and we all wish she went to our games, concerts, etc. At the time we were kind of glad she didn't go because she would say embarassing things but that's what mothers do. She was there to support us and that's all that mattered in the end. It kind of hurt when everyone was leaving an event with their parents and I was standing in the parking lot waiting for my mom to pick me up because she didn't feel like going and she was always 15 or 20 minutes late so I was always by myself. Trust me, go to her games.

Hi C.,
I get the feeling there must be something more. . .?
But to start, do you want to go to her games? If you want to see her play than go. I feel a child should not 'call the shots' for you - the adult. I would not talk/discuss
the issue ahead of time or make this into a big issue.
The calmer you are the better off. Say little or nothing
after the game. See what she does. When she askes about a certain basket or pass just answer very nuetral. I think most kids do want to be noticed as some point. But if you remove the attention she shouldn't have anything to gripe about.
Good luck - this parenting thing is life long. But trust yourself. I'm sure your a great parent.

Keep going! There is no way you embarass her if what you say is true. You sound like a good supportive mom and maybe she feels out of place because all the other mom's can't come because of work etc.

That's so sad for you. I remember being in 5th or 6th grade and going to a carnival at the school with my Mom and another relative and I told my Mom that I wanted to walk ahead of them. I think it's just a stage in her life. You could respect her and not go but have a talk before telling her you are hurt and would like to know what it is about you so you can work on it but I just think it's a teenage thing and there really isn't anything with you at all. She problably wants to feel independant without Mommy around. I don't know. Maybe she's following her friends. If your head strong and don't want to give in you can continue to go and let her deal with her own issues. I'd still talk about things. She can't give you a clear reason so why not continue to go? Well, if you want to show her respect you can not go and if you want to prove a point that you are not all that bad and she is the kid and you're the parent then I'd keep going.

I'd want to get across that I'm hurt and want to know what it is about you that embarrasses her. I'd point out that other students have their parents there so what's the big deal. You're no different than the other parents. Maybe she doesn't need to play basketball anymore.

It'll pass in three years I'm sure or it'll get worse. By you not going that's pulling away from her so I wonder what other ways you can be a part of her life and connect with her so she doesn't get too far away from your watch. I guess I didn't get you a clear cut answer but if you want to go then go. Your the Mom and your not trying to disregard her feelings or disrespect her but she hasn't given you a valid reason to not go. I'd lay it down and communicate and maybe compromise where you can not go to some games and go to others. Good luck.

AH! Teenage girls aren't they fun! I beleive it's just a stage she's going through! My step- daugther was the same way, but I yelled alot. She used to tell me it wasn't so much me yelling or me talking with other people. It was her baby sister yelling for the other team, she was 3 at that time! I never could understand it but they are at a wierd age. I would continue to go to her games and what ever issues she may have try talking them out with her. But try to explain to her your just there to support her and her team. Good luck!

When I was about that age, I told my dad that I didn't want him coming into the mall with me because I would be embarrassed to have a parent trailing me. So not only did he come into the mall with, but made a point of wearing bright green sweat pants, a red flannel shirt and a santa hat.

After surviving that, nothing he could do ever embarrassed me again.

might be worth a try :)

I can relate to this at some level. My 12 1/2 year old daughter has all of a sudden turned on me as well. After all these years and everything I have done for her. We have totally different issues but still the hurt is the same. She has decided that she is happier living with her dad, stepmom and 4 year old brother. Coincindentally, we (my husband and I) have a 2 year old and what I am thinking is that the stress brought on by this burden is driving her away. I beat myself up about until I just realized that there is really nothing I can do about it if that's the way she feels. What is she so embarrassed about? I know that my daughter sometimes gets embarrassed when I act silly in front of her friends and sing in the car but if I were you I would try to figure out why she is embarrassed.

my kids are still little, so dont have hands on experience for you, but I would say...keep going to her games. Tell her it hurts your feelings when she says she embarasses you and that you enjoy seeing her play so you are going to keep coming.

trust me...she may say she is embarrased now, but she will look back and remember that you were there. i still look back and remember that my parents did NOT come to my sports games and it hurts.

Most kids this age are embarassed by their parents at one point or another. I have 12 and 15 year old daughters and they get upset by the things I do sometimes as well. I think I would tell her that you will respect her wishes and not go to the games unless she asks, but that you enjoy watching her play and it hurts your feelings to be excluded. This way she learns about being respectful of others, while at the same time understanding that you have feelings as well! Good luck - I know this is a tough one.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, you are in a no-win situation because she is 12 1/2. If you don't go she will complain about that. Don't worry about trying to please her, just be her parent and be there as you have been doing, low key and positive. Eventually she will be 13 and she'll have something else which drives her up a tree but that's just the way kids are. Please don't be hurt, it really isn't about you. The following saying might help (someone just sent it to me this evening)

THE IMAGES OF A MOM

4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE – Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either!
16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE – Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF GE – Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

By the way, I'm 68 and wish I could tell my mom that I finally "get it".

Good Luck,
KD

lol your daughter is a preteen.

This age is when the aliens come down and take our wonderful young children and clone them, leaving us with I don't know what. You can tell this age because the boy clones smell and the girl clones live in the shower and on the phone. Their language is strange... full of grunts and "whatever" and they don't hear near as well. Good news is our good children are returned to us between the age of 20 and 25.

Now really, what she is saying is "I don't want to be a baby in front of my friends by having mom around all the time". Maybe if you go to only home games if you go to them all. My bet is she will miss you if you aren't going. Or you can tell her that it means a lot to you to watch her play. How proud you are of her team sportsmanship and would hate to miss it.

This is an age where they don't always want mom there and heaven forbid if mom actually shows she is a person. Just laugh this off and visit with the other mothers because she has to know she can't control you. She won't die of embarrassment.

I remember when my son was around this age and would always say it is embarrassing because I would say hi to strangers passing by. He was horrified when I teased a sales clerk at the hardware store. I just told him it was payback for all the times he said and did things that embarrassed me when he was young.

This stage will pass and you will have a good time laughing it off when she is older. Don't take it personally and don't let her control the situation but come up to a solution that is a compromise with you both.

Good luck, the worse is yet to come ;-)

I would sit down with her and explain that you want to go to her games to support her and the team. And then ask her what it is that is bothering her and tell her that she needs to be honest with you. It could be (because of her age) your appearance, the younger siblings getting attention, or anything. I am not saying there is anything wrong, just that at that age they get wierd (I know I did) about their parents and siblings and the "image". Hope this helps.

Don't worry, it's the age.. This too shall pass. I have embarassed at least one of my kids in the last few years, I've become a pro at it.

Hi C.,
I read quite a few of the responses and skimmed thru a lot also. So I don't know everything that was said, but I agree with the fact/idea that this is the age of your daughter that is talking....she's pre-teen, she's hormonal, it will pass. When you sit down to talk to her, I would say remind her too that her being in sports is a privilege. It's extra curricular and it costs. Remind her who is footing the expenses. You have EVERY right to be at her games, and really, she should appreciate your support. I did like the one responder who said to stand firm and tell her that you will keep attending the games as long as she's playing.

Continue being the adult. *huggzz*