Help

S.,

He is only nine months old. Don't rush him my gosh! he is only a baby once. and when they are 18 and 15 like mine you were you cold have little babies again. think about those can't have babies that long to have that. sorry to sound mean.but don't expect him to do some much at 9 months. that is what does babies do. some sleep good at a very young age some don't sleep well at all. try to play with him and cuddle with him before bed. try to do everything the same every night. that also helps even as young he is to read to him.

Best wishes

I know this is trying and remember they are only little for such a short time. I have found that you have to let them cry and learn to console themselves. It is tough but once you do that a few times they learn to put themselves to sleep.

S., The answer is not an easy one. Tough love, it works, but to impliment it kind of sucks. First of all, he definately needs to learn to go to sleep on his own. Put him down when he's very sleepy and let him cry it out. Let him cry it out in the middle of the night also, if you have to go lay down on the couch. If you are living in an apartment it may be harder to let him cry it out, but it is the best way.

Good Luck. M.

Hi S.,

I'm a mom of two grown boys and a grandma of one little guy. I was a single parent for many years also. I'm probaby going to sound like a spoiling grandma, but I just don't agree with others who've said he's manipulating you. I do want to ask if you have any support available, such as your mom or a good friend who has children. I understand your frustration, but let me say this gently, a nine month old needs your love, attention and acceptance. He is totally dependent on you for everything. I know it's hard to be a single parent because all of the responsibility is yours. Try to seek out help from your mom, and aunt, or perhaps a local single parent support group. Your little guy is perhaps not ready to hold his bottle yet. I tend to agree with others that you may want to ask your pediatrician about his not crawling, but both of my kids practically skipped crawling and went right to walking. Is he pulling himself up at the coffee table or anything like that? He will definitely start sleeping longer when he gets older. You are doing the right thing in my mind by rocking him back to sleep. Babies of that age just aren't ready to "obey." They don't understand simple instructions untile they are about a year old. When you are angry or frustrated, he senses that, and will react accordingly. Again, it does sound like you need some support, even if it's just someone to listen and be sympathetic. May God bless you and your little guy!
T.

I am the mom of two girls 5 and 8, and if I my second child had been born first, I may just have one! She was a horrible sleeper, and would only take one 20 minute nap during the day, up many times at night, and did not start sleeping through the night until she was around 3 1/2 years old! (Now my first child slept like a dream, so I know it wasn't necessarily anything I was doing wrong.) And actually we found out around the time that she was 3 that she had a High Fructose Corn Syrup Intolerance, so maybe this had to do with her restless sleep?! ...So please check with your Pediatrician as well. There may be more to it.

I do know that parenting is the the most rewarding and the most challenging thing I have ever done! (And I have a husband and family helping me!) As a singel mom you have that much more work and added stress, and need to make sure you are doing things to take care of yourself and taking small breaks when you need a time-out and feel overwhelmed! (Of course if you can ask friends or family for help when you need a break, please do it. It makes a world of difference and then you can come back to your child for refreshed and patient.)

I would also like to list some resources here that I think may be helpful. Parents and Teachers is free and will come out 4 times during the school year up until your child is three. They offer developmental screenings and give great tips for assisitng your child to meet their milestones. The St. Louis number is ###-###-####. (If you live outside of St. Louis they will also tell you the number to call. It is a wonderful service!)

Also, St. Louis Crisis Nursery is a free service to parents who desperately need a break, where you can even drop your child off. For more information call ###-###-####.

And lastly, a parenting web site that I use often is from Dr. Sears and has everything you can think of to ask. http://www.askdrsears.com/

I'm glad you are reaching out for help. Hang in there! It will get better!

Kris

S.----For Heavens Sake!!! He is 9 months old not nine years old. What are you people thinking. What is so wrong with rocking your baby to sleep. I am married but for many years I had three small boys to take care of on my own because my husband drove a truck and would be gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. I felt like a single mother and I work full time. Don't be selfish. Like others have said WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD! No one sends you home with a manual on how to raise your kids but I can tell you this it is something that you will get through. I rocked all my boys until they were each a year old. Then I would rock them for about 10 minutes, read a book and then lay them down. No it wasn't easy everynight but it is so important to follow the same routine everyday so they get used to it. Life is not all about you anymore you have your little boy to take care of. Take him to the park, take on walks in the stoller. Making a kid scream for long periods of time sends a message that you are not going to be there for them. They need to know that you are there for them and that they can count on you. I read these posts on a daily basis and sometimes I am absolutely appalled by what people think. Believe me your kids grow up really fast and one day you will regret not spending time with them. And on another note I would take your little guy back to the doctor and let him know that he is not yet crawling. Like the other lady said. That is a red flag. I know that I might have come down h*** o* you but you need to realize that your little guy is ONLY 9 months old and he needs you. When he sees you are frustrated he will be too. Go and get the book called "Children Learn What They Live. Great Book!!!! Good luck and you will get through this.

S.,

I am so sorry that you had some very hateful responses here. I don't really think that is the intention of this website. Being nasty is not the way to "help" someone. You came to this site for help, and unfortunately, some people feel like they can interject their inappropriate and nonhelpful opinions regarding your attitude rather than the situation. I am sure you are quite aware by now that motherhood is not easy. You don't need someone to slam you about that. Shame on them. Hopefully, when they need advice in the future, they will not be treated the way they treated you.

There are many different opinions out there as to handle your little one, i.e. let him cry/don't let him cry. I don't think there is a right or wrong here. You have the right to decide which method would work for you. You are his mom. These hateful people with their reponses are not in your shoes. You do what you think is right for you and your son. The only bit of advice I can give you, though, is once you do decide which method you wish to attempt, be consistent. It may take a couple of weeks of tears for both you and your son, but it will be worth it in the long run. May God be with you and your son. May God forgive those who were so hateful to you.

I don't agree w/ letting babies cry it out either. I think that's mean, they are crying for a reason. There is no such thing as a spoiled 9 month old. You sound pretty impatient. Welcome to motherhood, it's quite demanding! Of course he expects you to do everything for him, HE'S 9 MONTHS OLD!!! I think you need to change your attitude and you'll find motherhood much easier than it has been for you. My son doesn't fall asleep on his own either. Every night I have to soothe him to sleep, and I really enjoy it! Just accept the fact that your son is a snuggler. Is that such a bad thing? My son also sleeps in bed w/ us, (I know, some of you are gasping!) and he sleeps through the night. There are lots of studies out there that say babies that sleep w/ their parents are more secure when they get older. If it's going to get you the sleep you obviously need, I would definately try it! And remember, before you know it he's going to be too big to hold!

Well, they say . . . "If you keep doing what you're doing - you're going to get what you've always got." The poor baby needs to 'cry it out'. I'm sorry to say that, it's gonna last approx. 3 nights, but he'll learn. If you pick him up in the middle of the night - then you will have to start the 3 days all over again. Believe me, It's true, why would he have try to do it himself if you will always do things for him? Why should he try anything if he doesn't have to. That's why, when we do "tummy time' you lay toys just out of reach. If he cries because he can't reach them, then maybe he'll be mad enough to actually do something about it himself. That really is how they all learn. They have to want it enough to do something about it themself.

As far as sleep, there might be a night or two he'll cry so hard, he'll fall asleep of exhaustion. You can check on him as long as he doesn't see you. It is hard to do, but once you get over that hump - it's SOOOO worth it.
Good Luck!
C.

S. -

I speak from experience when I tell you how important it is for a child to be able to self soothe and get themselves to sleep. Your baby is no doubt adorable and by your own admissions, spoiled!!! Let me also tell you that your baby is adorable and SMART!!! He knows to do what works!!! There is a payoff to waking you up...you will get up and rock him. There is a pay off to the sippy cup holding...you will do it for him. You need to be consistent. If you want him to be in bed at say 7:30, then about 6 you will need to begin wind down time. A nice warm bath, a picture book, a rock in the rocking chair then into his bed he goes. Leave the room and let him fuss. If you are CONSISTENT then he always knows what to expect and will learn to drift off to sleep. If he wakes up in the middle of the night then you go to him but don't pick him up! Fix his blankets, check his diaper, give him back his blankie/binky/etc. and you walk away and go lie back down yourself. If you co sleep then get yourself some headphones with soothing music to try to drown out those first few nights of him being extremely displeased with you not getting up to rock him. I would bet he will cry quite a lot and this could last many nights but if you remain consistent and not give in then it WILL get easier and he will benefit from being able to get himself back to sleep. Mom and baby will benefit greatly from a full night's rest!!! You sound like a very loving mommy and I am sure this is frustrating but hang in there. The key is you have got to set some routines and be predictable. Kids need consistency and he will benefit greatly from knowing what to expect. Like right now - he can expect that if he cries and refuses to hold his cup you will give in and just do it for him, he knows if he wakes and cries and screams that you will get up and rock him. It is all about setting up new expectations and routine. My daughter and I shared a one room apartment when I was single and therefore she got used to co sleeping and now at 14 she still struggles with sleeping all through the night. I am not knocking co sleeping but IN MY EXPERIENCE it created some issues with her and I being able to get a restful night's sleep. Nothing is worse than sleep deprived kiddos co-existing with sleep deprived mommies. Just start small and be consistent and don't give in all the time and yes, there will be some rough waters ahead but it will get better!!! Good luck!!! You can do it! : )

9 month old babies are cognitive enough to be able to learn sign language and express their needs with sign, since their vocal language abilities arent' developed yet. This indicates that at 9 months old, babies can be manipulative insomuch as they will learn to do what gets what they want and need. Crying until you pick him up and rock him, when he could be soothing himself to sleep is a form of this. As is learning to sign that they are hungry or tired.
Soothing themselves so they can sleep on their own is a LEARNED behavior. They have to learn how to do it. My oldest daughter was a terror when it came to not sleeping. I made the mistake of not teaching her to sleep on her own and she didn't until she was almost two years old. MY second daughter was allowed to cry for short periods of time, I would go in and lay her back down if she were sitting up and rub her back soothingly until she wasn't crying. I would then either turn on a fan, or one of the musical timed toys on the crib. Then I'd leave again. Repeat as needed. It was a struggle but I did get through it. It took close to two weeks of being consistant but She learned to sooth herself to sleep and go to sleep by herself.
He's not going to starve if you don't hold his bottle for him, he'll pick it up when he really wants it. Unless there is a serious developmental delay, which you may want to get checked by his doctor. I find it a little odd that he can't hold his own bottle at 9 months and that he isn't trying to crawl. That raises some red flags for me.

I would break this habit and QUICK. He needs to learn that the world doesn't come handed on a silver platter. Personally, I would just let him cry. He's just throwing a fit because he knows you'll eventually give in and do it for him. You've seen those kids on Super Nanny, right? Do you want one of them? He's got to learn to do things on his own, bottom line. I would start a bedtime routine this Friday (because it's the weekend and you might not have to work the next day). I'd give him a bath, read a book, rock for a little bit and put him down to sleep while he's still awake but drowsy. Of course he's going to scream his head off but only because he knows it bothers you- not him. I'd let him cry for 5 minutes, then go in and pat his tummy to reassure him that you're there but do NOT pick him up, then leave and wait 10 minutes and do the same thing, then 15 minutes. He'll eventually fall asleep. It's going to be THE HARDEST thing you've ever done so be ready to sit outside and read a book or something. HE WILL GO TO SLEEP. I promise. You've just gotta ignore the crying and fits and make him learn to do it. You'll be just fine! Keep your head up!

good morning S.,

Wow you have had a variety of choices sent your way, I hope you are able to look at all of them. I will say the same as some and give you a vote of confidence. There are single mother groups that get together to talk, complain, laugh, and cry. Try online here to find one or your local kids area mags and newspaper postings.
The baby is 9 months old....Ok, crying because you are in the room is a big probably. I had one of those. I had some childcare background (10 years) so that helped. I read every book I could get my hands on at the library. The routine thing is a huge deal. Bathe everyother night, 3 stories in the rocking chair (5 songs and abc's as babies), light classical CD/white noise playing softly, finish with the bottle and gentle rocking, into bed... 20-30 min. routine. Then the fun begins. You have to choose your method. If it is the constant waking that bothers you or the lack of going to sleep on his own the first time, you have to narrow it down. If the baby isn't waking to feed then I would go with the method that is most comfortable with you. We did not do the sleeping with us once he stopped nursing, we did do the patting, no lights on, no noise (not talking to him/maybe singning the same lullabies), no picking him up - just shhhhhh and patt, over and over. Gently lye him down (yes all 20 times) shhhh, sing,,,, patttt... walk away. The books I read all said the same thing, no verbal confrontation, try (good luck) no anger/frustration/exhaustion. It worked in a week with some back tracking at illness'. However, my oldest woke everyday at 5 am. I became a firm believer of the disney channel while I struggled to function on the couch till 6. We had a basket of quiet toys and disney at 5:15 every morning while mommy came out of her coma. I am a morning person but thats early for me too. Good news by 4 he was sleeping till 6. Now at 6years we are blessed with 6:30-8:30 depending on nap or no nap, outside time, pool tiem...etc.

Someone mentioned that too.. naps and play. Stimulation during the waking time will help, naps maybe too long or often, and stimulation one hour before bed may be too much.
Good luck and please write us all back and let us know if you are ok. You are never alone! Look at your favorite part of that little man next time you are about to lose it and remember he will be 1 before you blink and 20 before you blink again.

Forgive the length of this post. The following is my e-newsletter for today. It seemed very appropriate to what you were saying. I find the daily groove messages to be really helpful, and positive. I don't always feel that I live up to them at all times, but the more I read them the more I feel empowered by the attitudes presented. I hope this is helpful. It is not advice about how to change your baby's behavior, but how to change your reaction to it.

My 9 month old sleeps in bed with me, that way I don't have to get up with him all the time. I just nurse him back to sleep. I hope this is helpful.

The following is the daily groove newsletter (you can get it for yourself if you go to the website):

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Making Peace With What Is ::

Once you realize that resisting your child's unwanted
behavior actually creates more of it, you may find
yourself trying NOT to resist it. But that's just
resisting *resistance*, which is more of the same!
Now what?

Releasing resistance begins with the paradoxical act
of *accepting* your resistance, and then accepting the
unwanted behavior itself. In other words, making peace
with What Is.

The old habit of conditional/competitive thinking
might cause you to resist making peace with What Is
because it confuses surrender with defeat. But
surrendering to What Is, is actually the *victory* of
Love over fear. And it's the key to manifesting what
you DO want without resorting to violence.

Today, pay close attention to how you feel in your
body. Resistance is easy to identify: it always feels
tense in some way. When you notice resistance, take a
deep breath and gently remind yourself, "I could
choose peace instead of this."

Then let Peace choose *you*. :-)

http://dailygroove.net/making-peace

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Do you have any help? Your mom or a friend that can give you a break for a while? You really sound like you could use a break, and you deserve one. All moms deserve breaks every now and then. Have you considered getting up with him at 5 am? I know you don't have to be up until 7, but he may just be an early riser. You might have to go to bed a little earlier than usual, but think of the time you'll have getting to spend with him, and you won't have to rush to get to work in the morning either. I know it's hard right now, dealing with the screaming (and by the way, you're supposed to "do everything for him" you're his mom) but in a year or two, he's not going to want to cuddle anymore and you'll find yourself wishing you had held him more. Babies pick up on our feelings, so if you're upset it's going to upset him. So my advice is find someone to give you a break so you can be calm and relaxed. And enjoy your baby, they grow up too fast.

You really can't spoil an infant. When they are so young, their wants and their needs are one and the same. The only thing you can really do is offer it up, and keep in mind that he is small for such a short time. Sooner than later he will not want to be rocked and cuddled, and you'll miss it like crazy!

On a practical note, since you're sharing a bedroom, have you thought about sharing a bed? Just google "sleep sharing" or "cosleeping" for tips on how to make your bed safe for your little one. There is no way I'd get ANY sleep if it wasn't for cosleeping! Give it a try!

I agree with the previous responces.
BELIEVE ME, I was in your exact shoes when my daughter was born. I have been a single mother from day 1, and we lived in a 1 bedroom house at the time. If I would have tried these techniques when she was a baby, I wouldn't be where i am today! *- I did not make her sooth herself to sleep, I gave in! PLEASE learn from my mistakes!!!!!
Now, she is 3 y-o and WILL NOT fall asleep by herself. It is hard when your a single mother. You and you alone are your childs only source of comfort and companionship 90+% of the time. I understand you don't like hearing him cry and it is doubly hard when you have to be up in an hour, but please try this. It will help in the long run. At least to get him to fall asleep by himself. I think the staying asleep will follow wants he knows how to self-sooth.
send me a message if you want to learn from more of my mistakes!!!

S., hopefully my story will give you a little comfort. I went thru the exact same thing when my son was 9mos old! I got into the habit of rocking him to sleep(for my own selfish reasons!!). However by 9 mos old, my poor daughter who was seven @ the time was being neglected by ____@____.com much to the horror of my husband & my mother in law, I decided to try the Farber method. After talking w/my peditrician he advised using a method that a Dr. wrote a book on. OK heres the deal IT IS NOT EASY, however it only took my son 3 noghts & he was sleeping alone! After your normal bedtime routine give him a kiss, tell him you love him & leave the room. He is going to scream & cry his little lungs out. Stay right outside the door & check him in three minutes to let him know that he is safe and that you love him, do the same five minutes from then, then ten minutes after and then twenty minutes after until he goes to sleep. My husband and my mother in law insisted that it was cruel and unnecessary, however, my mom helped me to understand that of course I love my son more than anyone and I was making this choice out of love and when it only took three nights my husband apologized and agreed that I was right, my mother in law didn't have a response. Good Luck!!!!!!! P.S. I LOVE MY MOM

Good Morning S.. It's motherhood fun!! It's normal hon for him to be demanding, he is the center of your world. Little ones learn quickly how to push buttons to get the attention they want.

Since you share a bedroom that is a tough one, but do-able. Even if he has to fuss for a while leave him in his crib when you put him down. Try playing some soft music on a CD player, make sure his tummy it full, warm bath. Then put him down. Stick to it, don't run to him at every whimper. It will take a few or several days for him to get it.

Keep your voice calm and gentle, if he has fussed more then like 20 minutes go in pat his tummy or back, give him his binkie if he takes one and leave him there. Don't pick him up just reasure him he's ok and leave.

If you have to sleep on a sofa for a fews days do it.
I know my advice doesn't fit with the Pro's. But it comes from alot of experience and it can work if your diligent.
You attutude is normal also Hon, its more of a frustration level more then anything and lack of sleep. How does he do at daycare? Does he nap or is he picked up constantly?

God Bless you S. with his comfort and peace to walk through this Victorious!!

K. Nana of 5

Hi S.,
It looks like you've gotten many responses and it will be difficult for you to decide which of them to follow. I will leave that up to you.

One thing I would like to suggest to you is the Parents As Teachers program here in Missouri. ALL parents need support, and the PAT program provides you with information about what your child should be doing at different ages, but most importantly, this program gives YOU support. Parents don't have all the answers, so you need someone to talk to from time to time. You are your child's first and most important teacher. Like a previous poster said, PAT also does developmental screenings, which could also help you address your concern about your son's crawling. In St. Charles you can call ###-###-#### to sign up. It's free, and this program has been such a great support for me!

Hang in there, S.. You'll get through this! Just remember, you are your child's hero!
J.

You might want to check out the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. Rather than making a child go cold-turkey into the realm of self-soothing at night, this book encourages a gradual approach. Of course there are as many opinions out there about children's sleep as there are people (since people who aren't even parents can have crazy opinions also), but I believe that one of my jobs as a mother is to teach my son how to sleep well. And since I can't discuss with him what it means to sleep well, I have chosen to go through this process gradually. I guess it is similar to starting him on rice cereal instead of a slab of steak. : ) May God bless you as you try to function without an adequate amount of sleep. I know it is frustrating.

S., you poor girl ! You sound sleep deprived and overwhelmed !
Two things .....
First of all, it's OK to get a babysitter, even when you are not going anywhere ! Treat yourself and your baby to some time apart. Get a sitter now and then just so you can take a long soak in the tub, go to a movie, or do whatever other big girl thing you feel like doing for a while. It'll be a big blessing to both of you and you will feel a little better about things and not feel so trapped and put upon.
Secondly, get yourself hooked up with some other moms, young and old, to discuss things with, and share playdates and ideas. You really need the support of the other young moms, and the encouragement of the older moms. It'll be good for you and your baby.
Don't hook up with the young moms who talk like they have it all together and can't understand what you are going through. They are either not being honest, or they come by motherhood naturally (yes, there are a few of those out there) and that will just make you feel insecure.
Find other moms who you feel more comfortable with, so you can see that this is a completely normal thing, and that you can work through it.
Women are designed by God to need each other for companionship and support. When you are trying to go it alone as a parent, you need that companionship and support even more as surely as you need food to eat and air to breathe. If you can find that, you will feel tons better.
Look at churches for support, too. Many are very friendly and sympathetic toward the single parent now. If you visit one that isn't, leave there and find one that is. You will not only find spiritual peace, but you can join the women's groups and have ready-made friends, grown-up things to do (with a nursery provided), a pastor's wife to counsel with, and women who can comfort and support you.
Hang in there, girl. It'll be OK.

First, he's not necessarily spoiled and demanding, he's a baby, they're all like that!

I'll start with the easy (for me) concern. My little girl wasn't crawling at 9 months either - she kind of scooted on her bottom, and was already cruising. She walked by 9 1/2 months. Her cousin didn't walk till closer to 14 months but crawled by around 7 months. So each baby has their own schedule, and you don't need to freak out, just make sure he spends time on his tummy, maybe put a favorite toy just out of reach to encourage him to try to get to it.

Sleeping, we had a similar problem. We (I) didn't want to just straight cry-it-out; so we followed the routine from "Good Night Sleep Tight: The Sleep Lady's Gentle Guide to Helping Your Child Go to Sleep, Stay Asleep, and Wake Up Happy" by Kim West. It's a modified cry-it-out. Basically, decide on a bedtime routine that works for you (rocking, story, bottle, bath, whatever), and at the end of it, put your baby in bed, then sit in a chair next to the bed, patting or soothing, but not holding, until he settles down. Then after a couple of nights, move the chair further away till you are out the door (over the course of a couple of weeks or so). Anyway, that worked well for us.

Good luck, and try to get a break from being "mommy" once in a while it will help!

I see you have many responses but you will have to make your choice...I only suggest that you always hold him while he is drinking from a bottle. That really is special time for you to bond. Take him to the doctor about the crawling and a check up to see if he has an ear infection or bad teething. After that if you have to let him cry it out you will know that he isn't ill. I had to let my son cry it out at that age too...it was so hard but once I knew that the doctor said he was not ill I was ok. Plus a tired child is a grumpy child!

Good luck and let us know what happens.

I'm having the exact same problem as you are! I was about to post a request, but found yours. I personally don't agree with letting a baby cry it out, but I'm open to any other ideas. My son is also 9 months. I don't agree with the other posters who say that a baby is doing this to be manipulative. He's doing it because thats all he knows. I'm curious to see if anyone will have any tips besides letting the baby cry. Good luck!!

Well, if you work, your baby often needs more attention from you at night. Plus, it sounds like you haven't really committed to teaching him anything. You have to be consistent, and not give in and rock or feed him just because he cries. It may seem cruel, and it is very hard to hear them cry (not to mention the sleep you will miss while you do it), but it is actually more cruel to continue to rock or feed to sleep when it makes you angry. You are going to have to deal with a lot from that child for the rest of his life; don't get sick of it yet.

I really understand that you are upset and I can only imagine being a mother for the first time and handleing it all on your own has to be hard. I applaud you though...really!!

I would first try to be patient with him. Each child learns and does this at different times. My 2nd daughter did not walk until she was 20 months old. I thought there was everything wrong with her. Had her ears tested, had her tested as a special needs kids...nothing thankfully was wrong. Now that she is 7, almost 8, I have realzied it is just her personality. She is sturborn, bull headed and likes this her way. She liked being carried she she wasn't going to walk.

I know that is really off the question but I wanted you to see that we all have experienced issues.

For the bedtime issue I would try just talking to him from your bed. Tell him, its okay mommy's right here go back to sleep. Be calm about it, although that is ususally easier said than done when you are trying to sleep. Try not to rock him to sleep. You can rock him before bed, like the first time you put him down, but don't rock him to sleep, let him fall asleep on his own. When he wakes up in the middle of the night just calmly talk to him and if that doesn't work just go over and put him back down and say, no you need to go to sleep it is still sleep time. Be firm but still calm. As far as the getting up early, he maybe ready to get up that early...sorry. You can try getting some thicker curtains to keep the sun out. My 3rd child was an early early riser and now he is the last one up.

Sorry that this was a little long....I have my 3 kids here, my sisters 3 kids and a friends kid....so that is 7. Things are a little crazy and I have to keep stopping and starting.

Above everything remember that your little guy will be big some day and will not want you to rock him. Really treasure the moments because they are gone before you know it.

N.

First thing's first..... stop, take a second and BREATHE! I may be married, but techinically with my husband being overseas for most of my son's life I was technically a single mom, and most of my friends are, so I know how hard it is.
Secondly.... let your kid cry. Let whoever else you may live with, neighbors, etc. know that it's time for your kid to learn to go to sleep on his own, hold his own bottle, etc. Let him cry! Trust me.... it took about 2 weeks of my kid screaming and throwin these god-awful tantrums, but I just finally got him off the bottle (18 mos, not too bad considering I know a 26mo old who still goes to sleep with a bottle).
Your his mother, not his friend! And I hate screaming and crying probably as much as you or any other mother. But if you don't put your foot down and start showing him who's boss now, he'll be running the house for the rest of your lives.
I'm sorry if I seem to be mean or rude. I don't mean to be. But I've seen the same thing happen with some of my other friends and trust me..... you don't want a 4 or 6 or 12yr old kid being the boss of you! LOL.... isn't that why we had kids? To be the boss of someone? LOL! JK!
But seriously, if you put your foot down now, you'll be grateful later.
Oh yeah, one last thought on the crawling issue...... ok a couple of thoughts.... kids all have different priorities. My son was walking well by 10mos. His friend who's 11 days older was already saying 'mommy!' by then. If you really want him to crawl.... put his bottle about 2 feet in front of hm and tell him he has to get himself!
Good luck girl! I have a difficult son and I know how hard it can be. Feel free to message me anytime!

I was the same way, and kinda still am to my 8 year old son and 4 year old daughter. Of course it's easy to tell you this now, but nip this in the bud now. Otherwise you'll have spoiled tots running around and that's worse. If you can stand to do it (I could not), let him cry. If you know he's been fed, changed, and all his needs are taken care of, try to do it. Go to him, reassure him Mommy's here, but then leave the room. I'm not an expert, so your pediatrician would be the best person to ask, but it does take determination. If you really do not want to rock him to sleep or sleep w/ him then don't. I know deep down I always liked sleeping w/ my kids (they still come in to our bed occasionally) so I think that is why I never laid down the law. Since you are single, is there anyone who can try it for you; just to see if he does it only for you...or if he is like this w/ everyone. Good luck. It IS hard..oh man! My blood pressure still rises when I hear a baby/kid crying too long. Your instinct is to go to them, and ignoring that instinct is tough. I think I finally came to the conclusion that i HAD to sleep...any way I could, and if that meant w/ my baby, then I did it. But it makes it very hard when you go away, or when you have people over and you have to leave the room for an hour just to lay w/ your child. And most definitely get a Parent As Teacher (Parent Educator) to come to your home. They are free!! And mine was a Godsend!

My advice is to remove him from your room into a room where nobody else sleeps. The first 3 nights may be hectic, and you may not get much sleep, but when he realizes that he is not getting his way, he will learn to sleep through the night and get himself back to sleep on his own. As far as the bottle or sippy cup, just sit it in front of him, if he gets thirsty, he'll drink it. Hang in there, things will get better. I went through the sleeping thing as well, and this worked perfect for us.
Good luck

I know you've had alot of responses & I haven't read through them all, just bits & pieces. My mom did daycare all of my life so I have been around hundreds of children. I am also a single mother of two. At 9 months old he should be doing things like holding his own bottle or crawling, which makes me think (if he's going to check ups and has nothing physically wrong with him) he is "spoiled" I know people say you can't spoil babies, but they have to learn to do things for themselves. I know he's young, but life is about milestones & learning to do things. Here's a few thngs to try...

Try laying him down and propping his bottle up so he can try to start reaching for his own bottle, you can sit next to him to make him comfortable, rub his temple or something so he knows you're there but not holding him or the bottle

Put him in the high chair or similar with some dry cheerios so he learns to feed himself

Let him play with a sippy cup (no-spill)and eventually he will realize he can get drink out of it & will start using it

Make sure you spend one on one time with him when he's not demanding it

Do you have an exersaucer or something you can put him in to keep him occupied while you are doing something else?

The sleep thing is going to be hard since you're in the same room Do you have a fan or something you can run for white noise so maybe you won't hear each other moving around?

Try giving him the same blanket (it can be small as I know dr's say no blankets in the crib now days)or something else everytime he wakes up so he finds a sense of security with it & maybe will reach for it on his own to soothe himself, maybe a piece of cloth with your scent (sleep with it a couple of times)

Instead of rocking him can you put your hand in the crib/bed to rub his back & get him back to sleep that way so you don't have to physically get out of bed?

I hope some of these suggestions work & please feel free to email me directly anytime!!

S.,

I see that you've gotten a lot of opinions already. I just wanted to share a couple points from my own experience. My daughter just turned 14 months, and I rocked her to sleep until she was ~11 months (I work full time, and I loved the time with her). Around 11 months, she stopped falling asleep while I was rocking her. Our bedtime ritual started to become very long, and very emotionally draining for both of us. I didn't want to do the "cry it out" method because I thought it was mean, but the reality was, that after 1-2 hours of rocking/swinging/singing... she still spent at least 1/2 hr crying.

My husband works on week nights, and didn't have the patience on weekends for this. So he wanted to try to let her cry it out. I had heard that when crying it out worked, it normally takes 3-4 nights. So I figured, I'd let him do it, and if she wasn't falling asleep on her own by Monday, I'd just resume what I had been doing. The first night (Friday) was the worst, she cried for 45 min straight. But she did fall asleep. Saturday night took about 20 minutes, Sunday less than that. Monday night, it was less than 10 minutes, and totally bearable because I knew that she had survived crying it out longer than that (and still woke up smiling)

It's over 2 weeks later, and now, I do our bedtime ritual, put her down, and leave the room. She doesn't cry. It's amazing (and so much less stressful AND I can get stuff done at night now!) I was also surprised at how sleep deprived I was. The first week after she started going to sleep right away, I was falling asleep on the couch 5 minutes after I put her down.

If you have time to read (and I would imagine as a single mom it's hard to find that kind of time) I would recommend 2 books:
The No cry sleep solution
"Heathly Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth

I got both books out of the library.

Between the 2 books, you get both sides of the "no cry" theories. I liked a lot of the ideas in the no cry sleep solution (like how to establish bed time rituals) but it was the second book that gave me the insight that allowed me to feel OK about trying the cry it out method.
Also, what both books made me realize is that I was putting my daughter to bed too late. They basically said that the child will sleep better through the night if they aren't sleep deprived. I discovered that my daughter needed her bedtime to be 7:30, I had been putting her to bed bt 8 and 8:30 (later on some nights).

Hope this helps. i also would echo some of the other Moms on making sure that you take care of yourself too. I hope you have friends and family nearby that can help out.

Good luck!

A.

Wow there were some harsh answers there. I do agree that you should have the not crawling thing checked out. Does he get tummy time? I think how you feel is more out of lack of sleep and frustration of doing it all by yourself and not a reflection on you having a poor attitude. I understand part of what you are going through. My son did not sleep more than 3 hours at a time until he was 9 months old. He would not hold his own bottle either because he knew that I would do it for him and he prefered that. I didn't mind the time but I was a stay at home mom. My husband worked long hours and was not around much so there was no help there. My little guy is almost 4 now and smart as a whip. He knew from the get go how to get to mom but I would not trade it for anything and neither will you. You will get through this and soon it will all be a memory. I know I tried the suggestion of going in to the baby and rubbing his back or tummy but not picking him up and it did take a little bit but it worked for me. Also if you have parents or even in laws that would be willing to take the baby for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep and some time. Also if you start feeling worse about everything in general and you start to reach a breaking point make an appointment with your doctor. I did not realize that I had post partum until a year after I had my son. You will get through this. I know that you are frustrated now and that does not make you wrong. That is what this site is for, to be able to vent and get advice from other moms that have been there. I love this site. Believe me I wish that I knew about this when my son was younger. They don't make manuals and I had a lot of questions. Good luck to you!

My almost 9 month old is also super fussy right now. I think at this age there some separation anxiety going on, where they fuss constantly unless you are actually touching them. My baby will sometimes cry when I'm standing right in front of her but stop as soon as I hold her & she wasn't like this a month ago. And I wouldn't describe her as high maintenance or spoiled. She sleeps okay (just wakes once), but also is up early (6 am). I nurse my baby & once we're done, I put her back in the crib. She fusses non-stop until I get her at 7 am, but I'm trying to be consistent & stay on a schedule. Does "cry it out" work? Sometimes. I feel like we have to re-introduce this method after each milestone, growth spurt & new tooth, so it's a technique that you have to apply multiply times, which is super frustrating!! I feel so bad for you, especially b/c you're a single mother. I can't tell you how many times I wonder how single mother's do it. Some other posters must have forgotten some of the stressful moments, or they have tons of family to help them out so they can re-group. Just keep telling yourself that you're doing the hardest job in the world & doing it alone. You can do it! You're amazing too!! Hang in there. Each time my kid cries today, I'll be thinking of you!

Hi S.,

Is he getting enough sleep during the day?? I have been reading this book "Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. I think he makes a lot of good points. He says that if a baby does not sleep enough during the day they will not sleep as well at night. He also points out that fussy behavior is often due to a lack of sleep. I think this is a good book to read to figure out sleep issues and try to fix them. I hope this is helpful.

Good luck!!
A.

I would say the best thing for you to do is tough love. First around 2 hours before he goes to bed stop giving him a bottle and just sit him down to relax. Then give him a warm bath about 45 minutes before bed. When he gets out of the bath rubb him down with baby lotion and talk to him calmly about going to bed and sleeping. Then when you lay him down give him a warm bottle and lay down with him until he sleeps.

To say it's mean to let a baby cry it out is a reasoning question. When babies are under six months they usually have something wrong with them. But they learn very quickly. And if you never lay them down to look at things like mobils or other toys they get attached to just be on you - with you. Then when you want them to go to sleep and sleep all night cause your tired they have been trained BY you - to cry for you. Sooooo if you then need a break (which I totally get) you have to go through this "let them cry" stage to show them now that they don't always get what they want - when they want it. If your a parent and your feeling like your at the end of a rope - I would rather you let that baby cry then you holding them getting angry because of exhaustion.

Now if you don't want to do that - that's fine. But you will be one of those parents that gives and gives and gives and your children will never be happy and their behavior usually gets increasingly worse. Just watch that Nanny show.

If you have to share a room. I would try to hang up a sheet or something so that the baby can't see you. I wouldn't block them totally in - just from seeing you. Make sure there are fun pictures or something to look at.

God Bless,

I don't blame you. Even a 9 month old should have better manners than this. Don't think I'm saying it's your fault he's like this cuz it's really not. Some suggestions I have would be, as hard as it is to do, when he fusses over something silly let him cry it out. He will soon realize that you are in charge and not him. About the sleeping situation, is there any way that he could sleep in any other room? I know this sounds weird but if your place is big enough and you have a walk-in closet in your room that can fit a crib or bassinette try putting him in there. You can still keep a close eye but he won't be able to disturb you as easily this way. When you set up a bed time, stick to it and follow through. He's getting up because he knows he will get you out of bed to tend to him. Unless it is an emergency, let him cry himself back to sleep. If these sound too extreme for you or they don't work out, I would talk to his pediatrician to see what they think you should do. Good luck. Hope you get to sleep soon! ; )

wow, the responses are split down the middle! BUT, one thing really jumps out at me: you are not mean, you are not impatient. Shame on those Moms lobbing names at you.

That said, how about putting together your own plan of action? Take the best of the ideas posted & make them work for your own situation. 1st ? would be: do you want your child to be self-soothing? 2nd? do you want your child to be self-sufficient? If yes....then you need to determine if his actual needs are being met.

To encourage crawling, you may have to get down on the floor & mimic it. Use incentives, a toy just out of reach, etc.
To encourage holding his bottle/cup....just don't pick it up for him....& what's the real cause of his crying?? Is he frustrated? One thing I've noticed is that each transition in life includes tears...at 2 months, at 3 months, at 9 months...

My next recommendation would be contacting Parents as !st Teachers. Most school districts have this...& their level of commitment to children is phenomenal. They will have ideas & suggestions for you. It's free, too!

Good luck, take a deep breath, & a few tears are ok.

Hang in there your doing just fine both of you will get through. Just know everything will be ok. Some times it's good to get your frustrations out by speaking the way you have in this letter and I'm sure you felt alot better after typing it. Continue being the loving mother you are and you'll see soon enough that you two will get this worked out together. R. N.

S....its easy to get frustrated when you are a first time mom, its ok! Every mom has these moments ( whether she admits them or not) Being sleep deprived certainly doesn't help, and although I am not saying that this is an issue in your case, but there are a lot of misconceptions about how you are going to feel as a parent, it is not always what you expected! But I can almost promise you...it does get better!

I have 3 kids of my own, my youngest is 13 months old. I also have extensive experience in daycare setting and with kids I have kept in my home. I have skimmed through some of the posts, some are helpful and some are well...lacking in what I think you need which is some understanding and emotional support!!! I don't have much to offer in the way of advice except to say, each baby is different, and you need to decide what the right method is for you, because a lot of parenting is following your instincts.

Keep in mind children of all ages pick up on our anxiety and stress and try and stay calm...and remember just because you are a mom doesn't mean you don't need a time out occassionally : ) A few minutes to pull yourself back into a better frame of mind can really turn a bad day around.

Don't forget to find time for yourself, it makes you a better mom : )

Sorry about the length of the post, its just some of the posts I had seen in response to your obvious need to some real advice were so mean I thought you needed an emotional boost!!! (((hugs)) Good Luck!!

SAHM of a 13 month old son who should be nicknamed Crash, a chatty 7 yr old daughter, and a brilliant 12 ( and a half!) yr old son = D

S.,

First, don't worry because it will get better and soon. You have to remember that your little boy is not spoiled or demanding...he is a baby and is nowhere close to having the frame of mind to be able to be as tricky as us adults. It sounds like he just wants to be close to you. About the sleep...here is what I have found. I tought my little girl to fall asleep with me laying in bed wither her at first, then once she go that down I would put her to bed as soon as she would fall asleep, then If she wakes up try and get to her ASAP and pat her on the bottom (because that is what she likes, whatever comforts him) but DO NOT pick him up. If he is still crying then just take him into bed with you. Hopefully he will get to point soon. Then when they get a little older, around one, Put them in their own crib at bedtime and turn off all lights/stimulation and say night night (and only that) and make them lay down everytime he gets up...Peoples biggest down fall is that they pick there kid up too soon and talk too much. You are helping him learn how to fall asleep...Easy trick for his bottle - get the Nuby ones with the handles on them, he will figure it out. Babys need A LOT of repitiion. Hope this helps a little...Good luck and remember what I said at first - It will get better soon!

I really feel for you. I went through this with my first son. I was nursing him and he would only fall asleep while nursing and then needed to nurse all night to stay asleep! We just kept him in bed with us and then after he turned 1, I night-weaned him and got him out of our bed. I just put him in his bed and suffered a couple of nights of him crying himself to sleep. I'd go into his room to reassure him, but I didn't pick him up and I didn't nurse him. It took 2 very difficult, sleepless nights and by the third night he only got up a couple of times. Within a week, he was sleeping through the night. I know you don't want to listen to your son cry all night, but you and he both need your rest! If you're going to do this, try to do it over a period of time when you don't have to be anywhere for a couple of days so you can get rest whenever it's available. It will be an exhausting couple of days, but in the long run it will be worth it. Good luck!