Heartbreak on Mother's Day

I'm so relieved that other wives have wonderful husbands who just suck at gift-giving occasions. After years of being disappointed, I now just buy my own gift for Christmas. Hubby wraps it. I tell him if I expect him to buy a gift or have the kids make a gift for other holidays. I tell him he has to get me a card for all gift-giving occasions.
And we are living happily ever after.

I know how you feel. I cried thru my first FIVE Mother's Days because my DH just didn't "get it". Now, I just go shopping ahead of time, get something I wouldn't normally get and leave it at that. Hubby would get off cheaper if he did it himself but, oh well, that's the price you pay. Now my kids are older and they let him know what he needs to do. And, he has finally started asking ahead of time what I would like. And you know what? Now, I really don't care what he gets me, as long as I get a card and a day off from the kitchen!

It's okay, my man and I had it out all day yesterday too because he didn't think he had to wish me Happy Mothers day because I'm "technically not a mom" ( I am 8 months pregnant). So, at the store of course everyone noticed my belly and I had like 50 people wish me a happy mothers day with a big ole smile ! Id smile back and say thank you and walking away I'd look at my man and say " you should tell them i'm not a mom". He finally got so sick of it he admitted he was a prick about it and should have been a bit more sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes, men just don't think. I may not have given birth yet, but all of us women know how it feels to have that tiny baby moving inside of you, how it makes you feel and how all your instincts have been kicking in and you've been preparing yourself for months now to love and protect this beautiful life inside of you. I may not have a little one running around the house yet, but I have this little ball of life moving around inside of me and that's enough to make you feel like a mom already.
As for your case, maybe its the same. Maybe he just didn't think it was a big deal or maybe he genuinely just didn't have time to put much thought into it considering both of your parents were there and you guys were celebrating your daughters first birthday. Was he a bit stressed about something else? I am glad he finally did get you a card....sounds like he did it to try to make up for his lack of caring earlier. After he realized it upset you he tried to fix the situation, but I understand your view of " how could he forget to begin with ?" Men are hard to understand sometimes...and I wish I knew how to get mine to be a bit more sensitive too to special occasions.

Oh boy, I know this will be unpopular but I told my husband I didn't expect anything on Mother's Day until my kids were old enough to take part. After all, I'm not his mother; he and I each have our own.

Now that my kids are old enough, I expect him to guide them in making my day special. Some have been better than others, but he always remembers, and I think he appreciated the fact that I understood that Mother's Day is for mothers (to be treated special and honored by their children) not wives. I am sorry your day turned out so poorly, but my guess is that he truly doesn't understand the significance it holds for you. If he is like my husband, he wouldn't be bothered if you forgot Father's Day--I am not saying you should--just that men don't see these things the same way we do. Did you let him know what you expected? If not, sit him down while you are calm, and discuss it with him.

I highly recommend you buy and read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a very fast and easy read, and even though my husband and I have a great marriage and have been married 12 years, we still learned some very simple and invaluable information in this book. It goes through the ways that we express our love to others, and how we like love to be expressed to us. It sounds clear that you and your husband have different languages going on here. No matter how much you tell him what you want, unless he understands your love language, he won't get why it's so important to you. On the reverse end of it, it will help you understand that other things he is doing may be his way of showing his love and appreciation. For example, say your language is "receving gifts", then getting a very thoughtful gift is what means the most to you. Let's say that his language is "acts of service", meaning he shows love by doing things for you. So pretend he barely acknowledges the day to you and your gift is nothing but a card, but what if he cleaned up the kitchen for you that day, or made sure the yard was in perfect order, or did something else like that? He would be showing his love through these acts. If you understand his language, then you would at least understand that these were attempts to show his love. If he understands your language, then he would understand that a very special gift means the most to you and he'll make a better effort in the future. It's a great book and I think would help you alot! I know it changed the relationship between my mom and sister in law dramatically- for the better!

my thought is, this is a guy thing and because they will never 'get' how important this stuff is, we will just have to accept it. my husband woke me up with, "what do you want and how much am i supposed to spend?" i then left to go to my mom's (he had to work) and i texted him several good ideas. guess what. i got home, he got home from work - nothing. honestly, it does hurt. but after 9 years i just let it slide off my back. father's day is in a month and i try to keep in mind - how he treats mother's day is all he can expect from me on father's day. and i try to stick with that. not very nice (or fair, because i have a ton of great ideas for father's day and in a way i feel cheated out of that, too) but it does make me feel a little bit better. men are buttheads. i wouldn't mind spelling it out for him, if he'd follow through at all. at least your hubby did SOMEthing.

M.,
I agree that the thought is what counts. If my husband had even printed a card on paper and wrote love ya & thanks for being a mom. I would have had a happier mother's day! Oh well, guess we just have to take our men with their faults as they are. But a little acknowledgement on mother's day (without prodding) would have been nice.

A.

You are not his mother. Men are just like that. Most of the time you have to remind him of birthdays right? Even if you take revenge on him and do the same thing to him on Father's Day- more than likely he won't care. Just keep reminding him of impending special occasions and hopefully he'll catch on that these days are important to you.

My hubby is very similar. Not a great gift giver when it comes to holidays. I've just come to accept it. I don't want to force him and complain him into having to get me something. Then I'll know it's not because he wanted, but because he has to. I just feel gratitude for the things he does do and I'm making sure I teach my children how make others feel special on their special days.

OK--here's the plan. My hubby (like most men) doesn't really get the concept of "subtle"! Tell him weeks ahead what you would like--brunch out, a few hours to yourself, dinner with the fam, a specific perfume, piece of jewelry--whatever. Let him know where he can get/buy/plan this specific thing. Not "magical" but most holidays are, without savvy women planning it that way! :-)

Even though you've gotten so many responses, I still felt like I needed to post something. My heart goes out to you. I am a very thoughful person and am deeply hurt when others close to me don't reciprocate. Some may say it is silly, but everyone's feelings are different and deserve respect. My husband is a wonderful father and a good husband. I know he loves me and tries hard, but isn't all that thoughtful when it comes to special days. At first, I though he should be a mind reader and know what he should do to make days special for me, but realized I live in the real world and maybe he needs some guidance. So over the past few years, I've told him what would make me happy several weeks before the actual event. He still doesn't get it perfect, but I so appreciate his trying. As for husbands that say that their wife isn't their mother and they don't feel they have to do anything, I say," shame on you." Your wife is more important than your mother. She gave you your precious children and chose to be with you through good times and bad. That deserves some recognition on a very special day! Good luck with everything and HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from one mom to another!

It's sad most guys are just like that! Lol! I think my husband has learned his lesson though. I can be a very emotional person and have cried my eyes out from not getting a card for my birthday. It might sound silly but those little things mean a lot to me and it sounds like they do to you too. I have found I have to start reminding my husband a week ahead of the holiday and keep doing it every day. I also make jokes about how we don't want a repeat of last year (when I cried my eyes out). I would just keep expressing how much those little things mean to you and hopefully he will catch on. Good luck with it! :)

So I replied and then saw your update:
Communication is so important in a marriage and I am shocked and your reply. The silent treatment may have seemed to have worked but will he remember this next mother's day. If you have to give him the silent treatment for him to confess his love to you then there are more problems then you think.

My previous reply
My hubby is the same way - He sucks at holidays but I look at the fact that he is an awesome husband the rest of the time - that is his flaw and we all have them. Men also don't understand woman feelings - you have to be point blank and tell him, "on mother's day, I want you to make effort and do something." or simply ask, "What plans have you made for mother's day? I am not cooking!" Many men also feel that "you are no my mother" and just don't get it. I know this is not an answer but the more stressed you get the more of a lack of understanding he will have.

As the other moms said, I think most guys are just that way. Even if they see us getting our moms gifts it just does not click in their heads that maybe, just maybe we would like something too! Communicating what you want is a good start but you can not change a person, they can only change if they do it themselves.

So with that this is what I do:

I take hubby to the grocery store (usually the day before Mother's Day) and say "you and daughter go pick out a card while I do our grocery shopping" that way he has no option but to at least have my daughter pick out a card (which she really wants to do), and most of the time he picks out one too. Of course it takes me longer to get the groceries so they usually get flowers and chocolates for me too :) Also I will shop for a new outfit or buy somthing I want around Mother's Day and say happy Mother's Day to me, that way I am celebrating/getting something and a gift I LOVE!

I tell my husband like 2 wks in advance of a holiday (Valentine's, Mother's Day, etc) whether or not I expect him to make a big deal out of it. I tell him if I'm wanting a gift, I tell him if I'm expecting flowers, or to go out to eat. And as for the going out to eat, I have a list of restaurants I would like to visit written out, so he only has to pick one off the list anytime he wants to do something special. You can't expect a man to read your mind. You have to lay it out there, and not be sad that he can't/won't surprise you with the scenario of your dreams.

You are obviously not alone! My husband is right there with yours too, he actually ignored (not forgot) my birthday one year because "what's the big deal?". Well, since then I not only told him how much it hurt me and why (sounds like you have that covered) but I started taking care of it myself. I actually bought my own gift this year (spent more than I usually would :-), actually I think it may be the first time I've ever gotten a Mother's Day gift and my oldest is 7) and then told him I expected a card from the kids. I guess it got him thinking in advance or something because this year for the first time I got bkfast in bed AND flowers . . . . anyway, he loves you, he just doesn't get it. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, but start buying your own gifts until he does (and spend a little extra $$) and maybe he'll start getting the hint. If not, you get exactly what you want anyway!

I believe communication is where it starts..I would sit him down with no distractions and tell him that this kind of thing is important to you..not that you expect anything outrageous, but knowing he took the time to even pick out a card and acknowledge the day is what you need....and that it's not just an after thought once he sees there was an expectation!

I can SO relate to that. I didn't even get a card. We had to go to the store to buy his mom a card, and I thought he would have gotten one for me, but he didn't. I thought about mentioning he what about my card, but I figured it wasn't worth it. I figured it's a guy thing and just leave it at that. I know as my kids get a bit older they will so something, and push him into doing something as well for me. But I will say for my b-day i didn't get anything either. Its just who he is, and as much as i don't like it at all. I also understand that is him, and he won't change.

I didn't even get to sleep in at all. I was up at 6 with our daughter and his son, and he slept in for several more hours. I think to my husband it really was jsut another sunday. he knew it was mother's day as we did things with his mom and grandma.

next year make a list of what you want and leave it on the fridge and write in HUGE letters, so he sees it everyday.

Really..... sounds so much like what I have been living with for years.... basically I have come to the conclusion that a person treats another the same way that they want to be treated..... so forget celebrating his "Father's day".... really....have to ask yourself why even try to get your msg through to a person who is so self absorbed into himself..... really why?? Good luck

Ok, We are all Mom's from the first moment of conception. My Husband tried that "your not a Mom until that baby is out." I got him so deep in trouble! He has also done the after thought thing. That wasn't going to fly with me either.

We have a bit of a different situation. We have a daughter that was born on Mother's Day. She was stillborn. I have other children and they love to celebrate Mother's Day. Sometimes I can get through Mother's Day and I am good. Sometimes I get so lonesome for that little girl that it is hard. I can usually tell a couple of days in advance. I can't expect my husband to know without expressing it to him. I go to him and tell him that I am missing my little ones in heaven. (We have more than one little one in heaven.) I tell him he is going to have to help. If he knows what is expected, then he will follow through. I am so thankful for him, because no one else will remember our little ones and all the sorrow. My own Mother doesn't get it.

In the end he really doesn't give me any material thing that is so special. The thing that makes me feel special is that he cares for me. He is just a little more careful and thoughtful.

Explain to your husband what you want and remind him right before. They don't get all that emotional stuff like we do.