Handling Unsolicited Advice

oh A. i'm sending you a hug right now!!!I woud act like i never got the letter and go on living my own life.Hopefully you're not moving to IA anytime soon.if you read my post the other day you'll see i deal with this amost on a daily basis and my mil ives down the road from me!!!i am here if you ever want to talk and i'll be thinking of you!!!

I always go by the advice that it takes all kinds of people to live in this world. If we all parented exactly the same (no matter how good of parents we think we are) it would be a pretty boring world to live in.

You are doing a wonderful job! We breastfeed and co-sleep too. You have to do what is best for you! I respond like this.... "everyone has their own way of parenting, and what we are doing is working well for us. We are all very happy.". Then, if they push it, I give them research that backs what I'm doing (Dr. Sears has TONS www.askdrsears.com). Good luck! Don't let them make you feel bad!

Good for you for co-sleeping and breastfeeding! It's the totally natural way, and unfortunately, most people don't understand it. They've been brainwashed to think that we need to teach our children to sleep, and self-soothe. It's really great that you're listening to your instincts!

One thing I would say is to look at what they are hoping to accomplish. One thing to really look for is whether there is an addiction to drama in the family. If there are lots of fights and strong words flying around all the time, then this may just be an excuse to feed the addiction to dramatic things. If so, you can make a pact to not engage, and to not feed the need for excitement.

As far as the grandparents go, I got some really good advice when my first son was little. Recognize that it's most likely coming from a place of caring and love, even if it's misplaced. Seeing it as their way of expressing that they care can take away the sting of the implied "I know better than you do" thing. Your husband can respond (far better for him to do it than you! They'll forgive him more easily for any misunderstandings) that you both really appreciate their thoughts on the matter, but that you have researched your decisions and feel confident that you are making the best decisions for your daughter. He can even say something like, "We know that you are telling us what you think because you care. We appreciate that, and are so glad that our daughter has people in her life who care so deeply about her well-being. We are going to keep her in our bed, and we know not everyone understands co-sleeping, so we would be happy to talk to you about our reasons for making this decision for our family." Final, but loving.

One other thing to look at is your own need to be right. This can drive disagreements and cause lots of tension. There is incredible power in just releasing your need to be right, watching for your triggers in this area, and stating things in the language of "We would prefer..." instead of "I demand..." It's amazing how things can just roll right off instead of stinging and hurting your pride. This has made an incredible difference in our relations with my husband's family. We disengage from the drama. It takes a while, but they get the message that they have to go elsewhere for that fix.

Good luck! No matter what, you can feel really good about your decisions for your baby. She's a lucky girl!

Oh, the joys!
Advice is just advice. You are not obligated to take it. Likely, in this situation, she means well and has Emma's interests at heart. It helps to remember that. But, that doesn't make her right.

Personally, I would simply write her a nice letter back telling her all about what is going on your lives and how happy Emma is. Tell her all the wonderful things Emma is doing and excelling at. Just reassure her that Emma is doing well. I would add in that you really appreciate how much she cares for you and Emma. And let it go at that.

If she persists in telling you how to parent, you can TALK to her. Communication is always better in person or over the phone where you can hear what a letter can't convey (inflection, tone, voice, etc). Remind yourself she wants the best for her grandchild, take a deep breath and simply say "this is working for us right now," or "I'll keep that in mind as an option."

If that fails, let her son remind her that all new moms must figure out what works for them and are usually sensitive and sometimes feel criticized or overwhelmed by all the advice of well-meaning friends, family and strangers (even if you dont). Perhaps she can think back and relate?

You don't! Your husband does, it is his family he deals with it. My husband and I went through something similar with his mother! Our marriage counselor *(yes, it has come to that!) said that since he knows his family best he should do it. Also, the counselor said that if I did the talking I could ruin the relationship between my husband and I as well. So, your husband needs to be on your side and back you up and if he is unwilling to do so, then that is another problem all its own.!

Good luck..I completely feel your pain!!!!!!!! if you need to talk and vent any more feel free to email me privately!

A.,
I have found that when dealing with unwanted advice from the in-laws to let my husband address them. His family is more forgiving of him, as blood relations, if/when he hurts their feelings by telling them to keep their comments to themselves. You do need to make sure that he is aware of how this is affecting you so that he can address his family.

As for your daughter's separation anxiety...that is completely normal at her age, and you are doing fine to show her that you are there to protect her. She may be feeling some of your anxiety with the in-laws, though. What I have done in these situations with my daughter is to hold her while I visit with the family so that she can see that they are okay people for her to play with. I also started showing her pictures of the family that would be visiting a few weeks before they came so that she began to recognize the faces. My daughter still took some time to open up (even at 20 months at Christmas), but she started to recognize the faces from the pictures, and saw that we welcomed the visitors. She did start playing near them and then with them after a couple of hours.

All this to say...you know what is best for your daughter and what she can handle. When unsolicited advice comes your way, smile and say thank you (if you are in person), and you do what is best for your daughter. Otherwise, let the words roll off your back, no matter how much they might hurt. They had their chance at childrearing, and now is your chance. If you find advice helpful, implement it; if not, throw it out and forget about it!

Be a better person than her and use all your polite manners. Thank her for the visit and her advice, saying that you know she loves you and the baby, and she only wants to help. Then do whatever you want to do anyway.

Hi A. ~

I have three beautiful boys ages 10, 4 and 10 months. My youngest is also going through the "I only want Mommy" phase. It is so normal. We also cosleep, but we have a crib for naps since he is crawling all over the place...and tanking over pillows on the bed.
Anyway...all Moms think they know what is best for children. Unfortunately, some Moms will always "know best".....more than others...HA!! I have one, also.
But she is an amazing Gramma and my boys adore her. My youngest will soon enough. You were right to bite your tongue. Just love her for who she is and try to allow her to love your child as only she knows how. I can say this now as I am on child number 3 with Gramma still giving advice. (:
There have been a few times where I have had to gently (and with as much compassion as I could muster) let her know that we are raising our kids the way we have chosen to for reasons that we feel are appropriate. And if she would like to hear about them or partake in a way that would be helpful to us, I would love to share. AND we have had some fabulous conversations because of it. But it is no so easy to begin, believe me. We are still THEIR daughters and daughters love their Mamas...and often times wish to emulate them and please them.

I could wax on about this a lot. Feel free to write to me directly and we can share. Your Mom, in her own strangely twisted way, is only trying to love you and her grandchild the best that she can.
As for her husband.....I would have words there, too. (:

Take heart...and take care. You are doing a fantastic job Mama!!

I am sorry, it is challenging to 'keep the peace' & yet speak our own too sometimes. My thought would be respond with grace, which it sounds like this is what you are trying to do.... maybe something short, 'Thank you so much for your care & concern, however based on our (including Dad) research, chats with Dr., ..... we feel that this is what is working for us.... Something to that effect? If she keeps pushing, maybe pass along some literature supporting co-sleeping, separation anxiety phase... The other thought is- sounds like they are not close by- just writing thank you for your care & concern, then shift subject- so how's that 'flower bed' (or whatever) coming along?, insert some sweet anectdotes about your daughter's week, maybe include a pic, and don't respond anymore to the 'advice' maybe she will get the hint, when she hears, sees the next time that you are sticking with what you choose. Another great response that seems to give someone that 'validation' they are seeking for being heard, yet does not give too much else away, 'that's very interesting, why do you feel this way?' Sometimes turning the inquisition around seems to work in many mysterious ways. Just a couple of thoughts, sure you will come up with something that works. I think sometimes family just wants to feel included, share their 'wisdom' they want to feel needed in some way? Although I know that the strange expressions of that need & frictions that arise can be tough to handle & deal with. Do speak & voice your feelings in some way though, bottling up never seems to work for us- or maybe let Daddy handle this one! Good luck to you, & don't forget to remind yourself that you are doing a great job!

Hello A.,

I agree with several of the responses so far...
I think that you should stop biting your tongue and tell her (tactfully) to "back off". I also think that if she cannot respect you or your husband in YOUR OWN HOME, then she should not be welcome there. I don't allow disrespectful people into my home... afterall, we have to deal with disrespect everywhere else in this world, OUR HOMES SHOULD BE A SAFE PLACE FOR US... AND ESPECIALLY FOR OUR CHILDREN!!!
ALSO...
My best friend went through something similar. She was abandoned by her mother when she was 2 and raised by her grandparents. Now that she's grown with children of her own her "mother" just showed back up. I guess because she always wished for a relationship with her "mother" she allowed this woman into her life and her children's life. WELL... after a few years of major frustration and finally realizing that "this woman" was NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, she told her to "get out!" and not to come back because she was too disrespectful!! She hasn't regretted it AT ALL!!!! In fact, she wishes she would have done it sooner!!!! I don't know why your husband was raised by his grandmother, but maybe he's having some of the same feelings as my best friend did.

GOOD LUCK!!!
C.

Dear Mom, (best if this comes from your husband and probalby best in person, not in letter...but your call.

Please know that you raised me as a competent and confident man. I think you did a great job in fact! :) Also know that we so appreciate your caring and concern for Emma, and trust that we am making decisions for our child that my wife and I believe are best for her. Please support us and respect our decisions. This will greatly facilitate a closer relationship for all of us which is what we'd like from you, and would be most helpful and loving for Emma as she grows up.

Hope this helps...L.

Hi A.! Having had a few run-ins with unsolicited advice myself, I know how hard it is to deal with. However, this is what I've learned. The bottom line is that your daughter is YOUR child, and as her mother you are the last line of defense (so to speak) when it comes to decisions regarding your baby. You need to make it clear to your mother that you know your child better than anyone else, and the decisions you make are based on what works best for her. End of discussion.

A.-
First, I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I had a mother-in-law that was all up in my face all the time. SHe would tell me how to care for my husband, what he liked and didn't like, she told me how to clean the house and how to disipline my children. First, I would talk it out with your husband. He should be the one that talks to his mother first and try to explain that her comments were hurtful and unneeded. Now I had a husband who would never stand up for me and it made things worse. But if that doesn't do it, sometimes you have to lay down the law and tell her exactly how you feel about what she said. Be careful with your words, but you might just have to be upfront with her. Good luck.
S. C

I am a mother-in-law myself, now, and I learned a lot from my mother-in-law. Basically, you do not have to deal with/ accept things that will confuse your daughter. You are the guardian of your child. Tell them that they are welcome to visit if they do not cause anxiety for your daughter. But, if/ when they do, calmly, firmly, ask them to leave. Tell them you do not want to confuse or upset your daughter, that this is your home, and that they have overstepped their bounds and need to leave. Do not get loud or angry, just ask them to leave. If they do not, let them know that you are serious about getting intervention (i.e. police or restraining order), if necessary. Comfort your daughter that you would never leave her with anyone who scared her and that you will always love her and care for her. As far as the letter goes, thank her for her advice that you will consider, but will do what you think is best for your child. The reason you do all of this calmly is two-fold: there is a possibility that they will actually change their attitude, and your daughter needs to see that you can take care of things without getting angry. I have had to learn to bite my tongue and then give advice without being upset if it is not taken. I raised my children as I wished and they should be able to, as well. And they are all (so far) great parents!

Hi A., sorry to hear about your situation, my husband and I are fortunate enough to have great parents on both sides. I think it is best to keep the peace (and be thankful for the distance apart!) In reponse to her letter, something she obivously didn't have the guts to say to your face (a benefit to you so you don't have to respond immediatly) but I would say 'thank you for thinking of me, that I may need time for myself and not being mommy 24/7 but we really enjoy the bonding and I feel we will greatly benefit from it years to come. And with co-sleeping we both get a bit more shut eye by not getting extra stimmulation getting out of bed and it really works great for us!' It probably would be good for her to hear that you have "considered" her "wonderful and oh so helpful" ideas about how families should be raised, and maybe keep some of the peace when the visits come around. And maybe throw in there that you have read and heard from other moms that the seperation anxiety that your daughter is experiencing right now it totally a normal developmental phase for her age and happens for moms that are "in their babies faces all day" and for those whose moms go to work and get "all sorts of faces in their face all day".
Good luck to you, hopefully with all the different reposes you get you can put something together that will either tame MIL down or at least know that you have tried your very best at handling the situation the right way.

Hi A.,

Remember that you are the mom. Do what is working for you. I am a SAHM of a 13 month old. I am still breastfeeding and just this week decided to put my daughter in her own room. This is a difficult transition for all of us including my husband, but for us, it is the time. We have gotten alot of advice we did not ask for and my own mom says the same thing about leaving my daughter with her for a while. My daughter also has seperation stress even with her dad. I know she will get over that when she is ready. Don't let ANYONE tell you what is right for you and your daughter. Don't worry about when you move her or even about her clinginess. It will change as she grows. Each child is an individual.

You are doing all the right things. You are the mom. Follow your heart!! God bless you.

D.

Even after four children, I still get unsolicited advise. I think it's more of an ego thing than real advise. I just simply "smile and nod" and say "thanks for your opinion" then go back to what I feel is best. Gee, my kids are healthy, happy, confident, smart, and creative. I must be doing something right! Keep your wits =)

You are not required to respond and I would recommend that you do not. Clearly, this person is attempting to exert her will on your family. If you make it very clear that her attempts will not be considered acceptable behavior by not responding, eventually she may give up (after years of trying). All relationships are two sided, you must accept the behavior at some level for her to continue it. Also, you are the mother here. She must have your consent to access your daughter in any way. You may consider explaining the situation to your daughter at some point.
We have a similar family situation. My parents and extended family are very anti-cosleeping, etc... They have fought us every step of the way and even to my son's name. His first year of life, they decided to rename him and sent all of his first birthday cards addressed to his "new" name. Each time I talked with them they claimed that it was "in his best interest" and he needs to be with us. I got very scared that they would try to take him. I never gave anyone an invitation to visit us. I took out a P.O. box and never used my address or home phone. This might seem extreme but I have probable cause for this fear because of their past behavior towards me.
Now, 6 years later, they seem to have gotten the message but not entirely. We visited for the first time in 6 years. They gave my son Coca-Cola (banned in our house) and as many sweets as he wanted. He was sick for days. My brother's kids have toy air guns and they are allowed to shoot each other. The television is on all the time and kids are getting yelled at constantly. It will be another 5+ years to our next visit. I'm working on a PhD in psychology, so I feel I know what I'm talking about. Each time I point out the problems with their methods or try to justify mine, I'm told that I don't know what I'm talking about. It's not worth the trouble of fighting them. My son knows he has a large family and when he gets old enough to understand he will know why we never visited. He can spend "quality time" with his cousins when they are all grown and decide for himself. Currently we live 1500 miles away, we're contemplating moving even further away to Canada. It makes me very sad that my parents cannot participate in my son's life. They have chosen not to participate in healthy ways and have chosen destructive, non-supportive ways by their behavior towards me, my husband and my son. I will not allow us to suffer because of their misguided decisions. If they wish to participate, I demand that they be supportive and helpful.

I would say to be kind in your response. Let the inlaws know you appreciate their concern for your daughter. They just don't know quite how to say it right without coming off rude. Children have been raised very differently in their time, so let them know that you have done your research and know how your parenting style will benefit your daughter. It may take longer for your daughter to become independant, but when she does, she'll have a better head on her shoulders for it.
I think it is hard for relatives who can't be there to get to know your daughter, because that is often what it takes for attached kids to get used to others. I only have one person who I can leave my almost 2YO with even for a second, and that's her grandma who lives around the corner from us. Everyone else is far away.
Back on subject....I think it is important to respond directly with your voice rather than on paper. Paper would make it too easy for them to disagree and continue to demean your parenting. Let them know you are willing to talk about this and answer their questions.
hope this helps.

I made my mom in law cry. I didn't mean to but my mom had been out to visit and she was trying to tell me how to handle my newborn(he's now 4) I had done alot of reading and did not feel that I was completly lost. I felt compitent in my decisions. Both her and my MIL said that he was hungry because he was using a pacifier. He was not hungry he was soothing himself. I guess they didn't believe in pacifiers. I finally had enough and unfortunatly took it out on my MIL. She doesn't really give me advice anymore but occasionally I will get parenting articles in the mail that makes me ffel like she doesn't think we are raising our kids to the best of our ability. I ignore the letters and throw them away. Fortunatly she lives several states away.

okay I am a little concerned with the comment mom leave and we babysit you and after you move back to IA you won't remember who that mommy person is. Are you not going? Hello! Lay down ground rules now! there is nothing wrong with you spending this time with your daughter as you are. It might be hard to get her into a crib though. you do need some mommy alone time though but arrange play dates with other mothers or find a church that offers day care and go out once in awhile to relax. as far as grandma, it is okay for her to babysit but only when you want not when she dictates. by all means try to keep the peace but you don't have to put up with the remarks, speak to dad and have him tell them that while you a glad they want to be involved in her life and it is nice to hear advice from one more experienced in child rearing, you need this time alone with your baby. you will be glad to call and ask for advice whenever the problem should arise. Leave it at that for the moment. good luck!

I'd thank her for her advice, maybe tell her you can understand why believes that is best, but that you've researched this and based on the most current understanding of what is best for children, you are all happy with it what you have chosen.

Doing this in a very unemotional way communicates a lot of different messages. Then every time she brings it up again you can say something like, "Thanks, but this works for us." and then immediately change the subject. I wouldn't spend any time discussing it with her or she'll feel she can still try and get you to change her mind.

Good luck!

I wouldn't even respond. She seems very overbearing and the remarks she made seem like she is just begging for trouble. In that situation it seems like it would be best just to leave it alone at this point. However, when the baby is older, if she is still making comments about "forgetting that mommy person" I would let her know that if that is the attitude she is going to have around your daughter, she won't be around your daughter. Nobody should be making comments like that to a child about their mother. Nobody.

Honestly, if you want to preserve some relationship with your mother-in-law, angry though you may be, you may just want to lay down some boundaries with kindness. The most effective way to do this is with kindness, even though you may feel like telling her off. Wait a bit so that you will be less emotional about it. I suggest writing down what you want to say, just some key points, so that you don't get lost in the conversation. To lay down some boundaries while using kindness, I would say something like, "I really appreciate that you care about Emma and us, we want you to be in our lives and thank you for your advice (EVEN if you don't mean it). We need to be able to make decisions about what we feel is best for her, since we are her parents. Shyness is normal among children her age, it is a temperament trait that she is born with, and we do not want to scare her or make her anxiety worse by making threats, however innocuously they may be intended to be. We feel it is important to make her feel secure first and then allow her to explore other people when she feels ready. We are confident that this will happen. Thank you for understanding." Then you should change the subject to something lighter! Since you don't see them that frequently, it shouldn't come up too often. Good luck and please know that their comments, while annoying and invasive, are intended to be helpful and they are just trying to do what they feel might be best for her because they care too. Take care!

I've found that the best way to ward off unsolicited advice is to have complete and total confidence in my choices as a parent (whether I'm really confident or not) and verbalizing that confidence whenever possible.

When we hesitate as parents or act uncertain about things, people see that as an invitation to dump all their stupid advice on you. I don't know if this is the case with your Mother-in-Law, but it might help with other people.

As for your dear MIL, I personally wouldn't respond at all. And don't ever bring it up. She'll either assume that you didn't get the letter, or you did and you just didn't give a rip about her advice. Either way, I doubt she'll bring it up again.

If you do respond, it should be short and sweet...

__________________________

Hi Mom!

Thanks so much for the letter. I realize that some of our parenting methods might seem strange or new to you, but it's how we've chosen to raise our child and I would like you to support and respect our decision in this.

We love having you in our lives and want you to have a very special relationship with Emma. We promise to respect you as her grandparent and not micromanage your time with her as she gets older.

All we ask is that you return the favor. :-)

Much love,

A.

______________________

A.,

I would take a step back and separate yourself from the feelings of anger and hurt that you are having right now. Read the letter as if you were a third party and look at both sides. Perhaps your MIL has some valid points. Whether or not its her place to provide you with her opinions, she did and you should take it for what it's worth. I bet it was hard for her to make the decision to write the letter and get involved but obviously she loves her granddaughter very much or she wouldn't have sent the letter in the first place. Of course not everyone has the same parenting style and you have the right to raise your daughter as you see fit but you do owe your MIL a response. Keep your emotions and any other past issues out of the conversation when addressing this letter. Again, I would say to really take an objective look at her advice, decide what you think about it then let her know. Even if it is a "Thank you for your concern, it's obvious that you love baby very much. We have decided this is what is working for us and we are happy." you acknowledged the letter. I would ask you though is it really working for you? You mention that the baby is clingy has extreme stranger & separation anxiety. I would talk to your pediatrician about that.

Good luck - it will all work out!

ignore the letter. flat out ignore it.

if you really need to address it - have your hubby do it as she's HIS mother.

I don't get along with my MIL either - but at least she knows better than to question my parenting decisions.

C.

find alot of info online about how it is okay for your daughter to sleep with you and send that to your mother-in-law. also reminder her that she raised a wonderful son who agrees with you about your Daughter sleeping with you. If your Daughter was older, then I would say that it was fine to let Grandma babysit. but at 10 months old, that is still too young. Yes Us grandmas want to hug and hold that cute little thing but attacking mom is not going to help and the little ones can sense when mom is not happy so that adds to the anxiety. Another thing is by putting pictures of Grandma and hubby around the house. that way the baby can get use to the Idea of who Grandma is so that when Grandma does come around, baby does not freak as much.

Don't respond. Especially if you don't see them very often. They are always going to put there two cents in and most times it will aggrevate you but just keep your cool. As far as the commit about taking her, all grandparents say that. But it made me feel the same way with the first child.
good luck
kat

First, take a moment and think about what it will be like when your child is grown and married with children of her own. If you saw something you felt you knew how to better do, you might want to offer suggestions. Now, with some compassion as to how difficult it can be to be a grandma and not really have any input in their lives, write a letter. Thank her for her concern and caring heart. That is all you need to do. If you like any suggestions, use them, if you dont, let them remain on the paper they are printed on. If she lived nearby, I might have some other suggestions, but since she lives a distance away, interactions are minimal. It can sometimes be hard to be a grandma, loving the grandchildren, and having experience, and not being able to help. Accept that she really is coming from a caring place, even if you dont like what she says. BTW, kudos to you for sleeping with baby and breastfeeding! So many mamas are soooo afraid to sleep with baby because of all the contrary advice from so many "experts!" You havent listened to that advice, consider your motherin-law's advice with the same attitude. (It sometimes helped me to remember that she raised the man I loved, and he was great, hey?)

A., First, last, and always, trust your instincts about your children. And respect your child's reaction to anyone. At ten months, your daughter is becoming very aware of strangers and other little known people, her natural instinct is to seek safety with her known protector and provider, you. Children as well as adults need to have their personal space respected and honored. As to how to answer your Mother-in-law's letter, I would recommend that you acknowledge an d honor her desire to get to know her grandaughter, but suggest that she be patient because of the limited contact and let your daughter set the pace. Perhaps Grndma could provide a picture so that your daughter would begin to feel like she knows her.
As for your sleeping arrangement, I would suggest you give some thought to beginning to transition your daughter into her own bed. The older she gets, the more difficult the transition will be and you could face a problem with her ability to put herself to sleep when she is moved into her own bed. This I say based on a problem that I had with my daughter. I worked evenings and her father rocked her to sleep and held her for hours while she slept. It was several years before she would go to sleep in her own bed without me laying on her bed with her. Believe me that is no fun.
Good luck to you and remeber, trust your instincts and trust your child's as well.
K.

oh my god. i would have opened my mouth a long time ago. that is just stuff you dont say to a new mother. as far as the letter in my opinion i would write back that she raised her kids her way and you are not her so you will raise them the way you want.

sincerely,
A.

Wait at least two weeks then say I received your letter of (such and such a date). Thank you for taking the time to write to me then ignore all the advice. You know what is best for you.

I had the exact same issue with my sister. She told me a few months ago that I am harming my son by never leaving him with anyone else, that he will be a "mama's boy." To which I replied, "I hope so." My son is almost 4, and he is independent and goes to preschool 4 days a week while I work, but she wants him to stay overnight with her and I have never left him overnight. If I had to leave him, I'm sure he would be fine, but if I don't have to I just don't want to. And he is and will be just fine.

The way that I have to deal with it is to tell myself that in her own whacked way she loves him. But no matter what anyone says, we are the mamas and we know what is best for our children. No one knows them better than we do, or loves them more than we do. So I blow off the rest and calmly ask for my sister (and your in-laws) for the respect that we as mamas deserve.

Listen to the advice Brenda W. gave you. "Thanks Ethel. I appreciate your concern...how 'bout them Suns??" That last part is a little joke, but changing the subject firmly and sweetly is the point. Oh, and thank the Universe that you do not live nearer to this charmer!!!

You don't say how her son feels about the letter. I would say it is his responsibility to "handle" her. I would first say to ignore the letter since it is none of her business how you choose to run your home. If she confronts you then I would politely say simple things like "that is one way of doing it, but what we are currently doing is working well for us." If your daughter has separation anxiety that is normal for this age. My 8 month old is starting it and she has never slept with us (except for naps on the couch during the day) and has her own crib or pack-n-play since she came home from the hospital. I personnaly did not want to have to co-sleep and then have to change later, but that is my personal decision as is your method.

Calling a step-grandparent a grandpa only because he wants so, isn't right. But I think it should be up to your daughter. Of course she is still very small, but she will take clues from you. My in-laws separated and remarried, so we have a step-grandfather and a step grandmother. And even though I don't like the step-grandma, I do not let this get in between my son and her. If there is something I don't agree with, I let her know, carefully, and she has to respect that. If she doesn't respect it, the visit is over. The real issue here is that if your mother in law keeps mentioning those coments like "Make mom leave and babysit you", it will end up hurting your daughter when she is old enough to understand. Set the boundaries early on. Definitely tell your mother-in-law that what you are doing works for you. I agree you should wait until you cool down and be tactful about it. If anyone is going to be rude, it shouldn't be you, 'cause then, you lose. Thank her for her concern, assure her that she did a good job with your husband in raising him, but you are confident you are doing a good job for your daughter too. With my mother-in-law I am very low key, always respectful but in the end, I do what I think is best. If she mentions that "after you move back to IA you won't even remember who that mommy person is", tell her, even in front of your daughter, that it will not be happening. Sure, your daughter is very little, but if this continues, once she does understand, she will want her mom to defend her and stand up for her. Keep your chin up, your shoulders straight, you are your daughter's advocate. And also get your husband involved. I'm sure he won't like the comments of you and your daughter being separated, even in theory.
Good luck. C..

Hi A. - I dealt with similar issues and continue to do so. My children are 13 & 10 and ever since their birth, I have been receiving advice - much of it I disagree with & all of it unsolicited. During the early years, I did not take very kindly to this advice, and it caused tension between me & my inlaws. I GREATLY regret this has happened. Now, I "smile & wave" when the advice flows, in an attempt to keep things as smooth as possible. I would tell you to try very hard to do the same. It doesn't mean you have to follow their advice. You can smile & politely tell them although you appreciate their advice - that you & your husband decided to do it another way. I just cannot reiterate enough - the importance of keeping things "copasetic" within the family. Many wives have issues with their mother-in-laws; so much that it almost seems to have become "the norm". Well I think that is a disgrace. Most of our mother-in-laws are set in their ways and I know it doesn't seem right, but they are who they are. As far as the letter - I would encourage you to pray about it. Maybe thanking her for her concern, but respectfully disagree and explain to her that as a family, you have decided what is best. If you get the chance try to throw her a bone - (after all - she had to do something right - you married HER son)...(o: I think you and your husband will be much happier in the long run. She is after all - his only mother! I know it's hard - this advice comes with a heavy heart because after 17 wonderful years of marriage; I still can't seem to do anything right, but girl, it doesn't keep me from trying! Take care & the best of luck to you. D.

First of let me say that that letter is outrageous. I would be irate if my mother-in-law ever did something like that. Saying things like that in letter form is so passive aggressive. Especially saying that you're always in your daughter's face-- well yeah, you're her mom! It sounds like you are a very caring, attentive, and supportive mommy. Though it's not my personal choice, co-sleeping works well for some families and I think that you should continue to do what you feel is best for your daughter. Nobody knows your child and her needs better than you do.

In order to avoid further conflict, I would probably just ignore the letter. If your mother-in-law inquires about it later, just say that yes you received it but that you are Emma's mother and that while you may not be "perfect" or do things the way she would, your daughter is healthy and happy with the way things are.

Or maybe your husband can speak to her frankly and tell her to mind her own business. If she continues to push the issue, it may be better to simply cut off communication with her for a short while. Families are meant to stick together and be supportive. If she can't do that, then maybe she needs to have a little break from you guys so she can learn to appreciate how precious family is.

It's hard because on one hand you are angered and feeling attacked and naturally you want to defend your position. But I say don't. Don't respond. My mil who lives in another state had things to say too about how we no I parented my first. The good was all daddy and everything else me. I just litened and let it go. Now she sings my praises. No sense in allowing her to make a big deal of this. You will never win with her by words. Teach her by example. Your daughter is so lucky to have parents so loving and so attuned to her needs. FYI stranger danger has nothing to do with co-sleeping. And their comments to your daughter about babysitting her just demonstrates how un-intuned they are with your childs need.

My advice, don't even respond. You are the mother and you are doing what you believe is right. The time when they are so close and cuddly passes before you know it. No one else is as close to your child as you are. No one knows the needs of your child the way you do. Anyone else is looking through a tiny window into a small piece of your life and if they think that give them enough knowledge to make judgments as what is best. Then they are wrong. Sometimes outside advice may be needed, sometimes you may seek outside help (such as here) but its still up to you to decide if the advice given is accurate or adequate. Your child is a mommas girl. Its natural and there is nothing wrong with it. Enjoy your time together and everyone else be d---. She will be starting school soon and more times of forced seperation are coming. Enjoy this time while it lasts. Its good for you, its good for her.

It is so hard to develop boundaries with family members. If the advice came from a complete stranger what would you do? Probably ignore it or give it very little thought, time or energy. Just because it came from your mother-in-law doesn't mean it carries any more weight. This is your child.

About the disrespect of you in your face to your child, I would address that though. As lovingly and peacefully as possible try to explain that you are trying to teach your daughter to respect her parents and grandparents, even at a young age she understands what is being modeled for her. It is important to you that respect for her parents is modeled in all ways. They would want the same done for them.

Sounds like you are moving? All of this may be moot point if you move far enough away! ;)

Hi my name is M. and i am a 40 year old mom with 2 aldult (23 & 18) children and a 15 month old son. My advice to you is to let your mother in law that if you ever need and want advice from her you will let her know. Second let her know you know what is best for you and your daughter and you have your own ways on raising your children. Let her know her advice is good but its your choice and make it clear to her you don't appriciate her doing this and making it like you did not know what or how to care for your child. Remember you always have a choice to do what is best for you and your family. Stand your ground. Hope this helps. i have had to deal with my own mother at times and if you let them know then they will know you are not going to be pushed around.

I wouldn't respond, even though it's hard. It's really none of her business, she sounds very unhappy to me. Your the mom and you know what's best for your child. If she doesn't want to leave you, there's a reason. I have an 8 month old son that I feel guilty if I even leave him for an hour, I have a sister-in-law that doesn't even live here always saying, you need a break and he needs a break from you. I disagree, but I don't say anything and just try to change the subject. Family you have to love them....

Dear A.,
I was in a similar situation with my husband's Grandmother (yes, grandmother). If I had handled it differently, I feel I could have made our entire family more comfortable in the long run. It is really really hard to take criticism and outdated advice, especially if this is not someone whom you respect. However, you are the mother and your get to raise your child your own way. Your mother-in-law may have been socialized to think she was supposed to keep her grandchildren for months at a time and say "you'll just forget that mommy person" or she may feel out of her league and insecure. So, after that discussion, be gracious. Take the high road. Give yourself a few days and write back. Thank her for her advice and give her credit for having raised a wonderful man (even if you think it was not her influence). Then gently/firmly state, that while you will take her advice under consideration, you will of course raise your child according to your own concience. That it won't be long before your daughter will be old enough to seek out others and you hope she will always have her grandmother as one more role model in her life (we all know parents can't be everything, and they will always need someone else). Just smile at the little digs and say sweetly, "Yes, but we are doing it this way instead." If it turns into an episode of Jerry Springer with yelling an cuss words etc.. there will be plenty of time to take distance, and if it is extreme, sever the relationship.

Both my daughters shared our bed until they were ready to sleep in their own. I breast fed both my daughters. I even let them run around the house naked on hot days. I encouraged them to have as many worthy adults in their life as possible. All these were an anathma to my husband's very proper family. We could have been raising our children in the forest with a pack of wolves. You don't have to agree with this woman, but you will feel horrible later if she has alzheimer's disease someday and could have had joy from a relationship with your babies if only you were able to take that high road and feel secure in your own ability and instincts.

As a note, my daughters are 14 and 17. I should have named them Night and Day they are so different, but both are honor students and really good people.The oldest is graduating in May. They survived my bohemian ways and flourished.

it says that you are a single mom yet sleeping arrangements are made around dad's schedule?
if dad is in the picture and this is his mother, he should be handling this.
regardless, this is your daughter and you (and your husband)get to make the decisions.
you may want to write back appreciating her advise and let her know that you are a capable adult to make your own parenting choices. that we all make parenting choices and some choices are good and some not so good. we all make mistakes, yet is sleeping in the same bed abusive or going to make her feel rejected? listen to your intuitive voice talk it over with your husband and follow it.

It's always good to try to see why the persons or people who are soliciting advice might be giving it to you. Even though you're the mom and know ultimately what's best for your child--ask yourself, and them, why they would be trying to intervene (not defensively, just asking openly)... find out--is it really purely to be annoying and are they really ignorant to what's going on in your childs mind? That's usually not the case with people. Do they know how it hurts you? What's the communication like on your part? One can never expect them to know how you feel if your intentions have been expressed unclearly (like to your mom rather than directly to the "grandpa" guy.) Maybe you already did that? As far as sleeping with your child... you know what's best for you to be the best mom. It will, be more difficult in the future when you are trying to get her to sleep in her own bed (i'm sure you realize that)--but hey, if you have the strength and energy to deal with those difficulties in the future--great. Maybe those who have been thru similar bed-weaning experiences are just trying to be helpful. Informing you the wrong way by leaving a note is not the nicest thing--passive aggressive behavior is always hurtful. If they are REALLY concerned, they should approach you directly. That makes me think that they are not REALLY concerned, and maybe they have bones to pick with you about something else, and that's just a excuse for what they really want to be angry about with you?????? Tough situations you have on your hands~good luck. We moms can only do what we can do sometimes--just don't beat yourself up over this. I am learning that i can always try harder to communicate better and in the long run it will save me a lot of confusion and anxiety. It's a battle we all have. No one is perfect remember, not even your mom and that "guy".

I am so sorry that you are dealing with disrespectful in-laws. Their comments are ill-willed and down right mean. Sometimes a grandparent may see a situation and feel that the must speak up and try to correct the "problem" they see. You defintely need to let your husband know about the comments and how they make you feel.

We had a similar sitiation with my in-laws and had to tell them theat their comments were hurtful and uncalled for. We also had to let them know in order to have a relationship with our kids and my husband that they also had to treat me with respect. We said, "How can you claim to love your grandchildren if you can't repect their mother?"

I wish you all the best. Remember you are worthy of repect.

A.:
When it comes to family, we almost have to be careful not to upset anyone; however, I would simply say that you appreciate her advice and you and your husband will take it into consideration. She needs to learn that this is your family and you and your husband will address matters as you see fit. Make sure that your husband backs you when it comes to his family. Good Luck

Hi, I would send all letters back to your mother inlaw writting on the envelope return to sender. Then on the back side write I don't need your advice at this time we are doing well. Thank you!!

What does your husband have to say about his Mom giving this kind of "advice"? I would tell your mom-in-law thanks for the advice, but you three are getting along just fine, and that you would appreciate if she didn't give you advice when it wasn't asked for, but I know it is easier said than done. That is why you should talk to your husband on how to approach your mom-in-law. and if he says something along the lines of "she's just trying to help", let him know how it makes you feel.

You have to put them in their place now. Does your husband support you in this? You have to be a united force. You have to deal with this now though. You can't keep bottling it up or you will lose it at some point-not good. Plus it will keep bugging you and eating you up inside. Plus your daughter will see you not honoring your feelings and continuously being stepped on. This isn't good because then she will see her rolemodel (Mama) not commanding respect. How can she grow up to truly believe in herself and respect herself if her rolemodel doesn't. She might even lose respect for you as she grows up. Nip it in the bud. Honor yourself. You deserve respect.

A.

Hello, I am mother of 3 18 yr old, 8 yr old and a 6 yr old. I personally would respond with frist of all shes my daughter ill raise her how I see fit. We are the ones who are here with her not you. If i want to buy a crib thats up to us not yourselves to decide. And if the co sleeping is working for you then so be it . All of my kids slept in the same room until they were ready or (until mommy was ready to let them be in the other room) And even then we still had the baby montier (sp?) .You are the parents no one else, Youre breast feeding for Godsakes! and the choices are yours. You copuld always get a crib and put it in your room and see if shell sleep in there for naps or to sleep in if you or she wants too. I have a friend whos childern were 2 and 3 just barely went to sleep in there own room. You are a great mom! Do not let anyone tell you how you should be doing things unless you ask then thas toatlly differnt. hopes this helps...

Go Hi A.,
I have been thru that deal to and just found to just let them say what that got to say to a point.
I always asked my pediatrician all kids are different. All you can do is do what you know is best in your heart, and then know where to draw the line to not hinder your own child.
Just thank them for their advice and let them know your handling things with advice with & from the child’s Doctor.
It will continue, just say I'll be fine, I will ask if I need further advice.
They may become hurt or put off, but who tends your child 24-7? It's a control tactic you do not want started outside the family boundaries of your own home.
Even though it is loving advice to help they feel they are giving themselves.
Good luck & hug's my Dear.

Personally, I think you should let her have it, but that probably would make the situation worse. I think you should tell her that, the way you choose to raise your daughter is your business and you appreciate her as a grandmother, but you do not appreciate her telling you what to do w/regard to your child. if you want her advice you will ask for it. I think you need to set a firm boundry otherwise she will always cross it.

Hi A.,
It is sad to say that everyone feels they have the right idea on how we should be raising our own children. What you should saw to your mother-in-law? "THANK YOU for your advice. I will keep it in mind." And then leave it at that. As your daughter gets older you will notice how you think others are doing things wrong too! It is in our nature to be right about everything. My mother-in-law told me some really mean things too. But I love her and I know that her heart is in the right place even if I disagree with her! If it really bothers you and you don't feel you can let it go, try to talk to her about it. But the best thing that has worked for me is to agree to disagree. Best wishes.
T.

There is no really nice way to answer that one. This is your child, you and your husband have decided to co-sleep with your child and it works for you, so I would ignore that piece of advice from the mother-in-law completely. Just don't bring it up with her as that will bring added conflict. If she brings it up on the phone, or something, I would say we are doing what we chose to do on this matter, that you for the advice we will keep it in the back of our minds for a later date if we feel a change is needed. It is normal for unsolicited advice to come your way when it comes to raising your child as everyone else feels their way is the right way. Just keep doing what works for you, and thank others for the advice, and say that you have chosen together what your way will be and you won't change it because they think something is wrong with it.

Always preface your comments with, "Well, my pediatrician told me..." That always helped me.

Children do go through times when they get clingy, but unless you want to create a very dependent child you might want to think about encouraging her independance and do not make her feel she can only find security in mommy. This is usually harder on mom then the child as children are very resiliant and like to explore unless stiffled early because of an over protective or jelouse parent. What you should ask yourself in all the dealings is are you doing this for your own satisfaction or feelings or is this truely what is best for your child. Emma should have a bed of her own do not do it because it is easy and be lazy, do not leave her in your bed so you do not feel lonely, it will cause issues later in your married life if you are not careful. No the grandparents shouldn't make snide comments, but you have possibly put them off by being too needy of your child, share her with relitives do not hoard her affection or you will raise an insecure child. They where there for two days would you prefer your daughter not to know and enjoy her grandparents and if your issue with the stepdad is an issue it should remain only an issue between the adults let you daughter call him granddad, will it really hurt her, I had three sets of grandparents and I enjoyed it there was no destiction made until I was old enough to ask why I had three set. I think you may be being unfair to them and Emma also. You should thank her for the advice and that you are researching the information so you maybecome more informed and that it seems to be a good thing to make sure she does have her own space so later she will not suffer from separation anxiety when she is being put to bed as she gets older. Also tell them that you are a new mom and that you are trying to do the best that you can, but that you know you might make mistakes so ask for their tolorance and assistance in a nice manor and that you will respond much better with love kindness and assistance then you will with browbeating or demeaning comments. After all, they are family and it is not honorable, nor worthy of you to alianate them from Emma or your husbands lives if need be all of you go to a class on nonviolent communications to nip this in the butt early. And lastly would you treat your own mother this way? if so why, if not they why treat your husbands mother less respectfully then your own. Food for thought, you might want to take a human growth and development class being a parent is hard work it is not easy and not for the woman or man looking for the easy way out, belive me it gets harder as they get older and what habits you develop in them in their early stages stay with them, including a clingy, fearful antisocial tendancies that play havoc with self worth.

Throw it in the trash, pretend it got lost in the mail, and keep on doing what you are doing.
But if you want her to stop, you have to put it to her clearly that although you acknowledge her advice, you know what is best for YOUR family. And stop bitting your tongue when she makes those comments, that's why she is still making them.

That sounds like a very irritating situation. Hopefully your husband is on the same page with you and supports you and your dicisions. It isn't unusual for babies 6mos to 2 or 3 yrs to cling to their mothers. I am certian that it is nothing that you have done any different than other moms. I don't think putting your baby in a crib would make any diference. We have a family bed too and I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't think that you need to even respond to the letter. She raised her child now it is your turn. You do what is comfortable for you. You don't have to answer to her.

Wow! I thought I had too much unsolicited advice, but now I see it could be worse.

Since they felt they needed to share their "concerns" in a letter, I would suggest a letter response to them. Letters can be written, set aside for a few days and then edited and rewritten before sending them which gives you a place to vent before chosing your words. You can choose to explain how every child is different and that your daughter is going through a phase of "extreme stranger and seperation anxiety" and that you have chosen to support her through this phase rather than leave her cold turkey with a caregiver to deal with it. OR, you can choose to just tell them to back off and explain nothing. Since it is your mother-in-law, perhaps your husband could help mediate the situation.

My son was the same way at that age. Even play dates inwhich I stayed and played, he was fussy because of the other people and children. I nursed for a long time (over 2 years) and rather than thinking I was "in his face" I felt we had a special bond (as I imagine you feel). My mother-in-law is a pain for different reasons, but I used the "back off" approach and that is what worked between me and her (my husband chooses to ignore her).

So, the last paragraph was just to let you know you're not alone, you're doing great, your daughter will grow out of it, etc etc.
Good luck,
B.

Hi A.,
does your husband know about your mother in-law and her husbands advice/comments. Talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel. Have him tell his to keep her and her husbands advice to themselves. I had the same problem with my mother in-law. My husband didn't want to believe me till I had him stand around the corner so his mom could corner me as usual when he is not in sight. Thats when she would try to give me advice on raising my son I only had 1 at the time. He had taken care of that as soon as he heard enough. I hope this helps you good lock.
C.

A.:
I emphathize with you. Although my children are grown and my oldest has two small children of his own, this is an age old problem. I remember when he was born. My son was very happy, quite, and content except when my mother-in-law was there. I recall one day she was hovering and my son was crying and she said, "come here. I'll take care of you since your mother doesn't care!" I about came unglued. I was very unsettled when she was around and my son picked up on that and as a result became fussy when she was around. Your daughter is emotionally linked to you. She knows sometimes sooner that you when you have lost your peace. My viseral response to those words were, "you will not speak that kind of poisonous words to my son!" that was the day that I learned to politely but firmly kick someone out of my house.

Do not allow that poision in your house. My pediatrician told me in the hospital when my son was born to use him as the bad guy to deflect unsolicited advise. Just prefice your sentences with "My doctor says ... " It works. You can also drop your husbands name and simply state that the two of you have discussed the situation and have decided to do things your way. Perhaps your daughter is anxious because you are. You don't trust this woman. You know better than anyone the reprocussions of her parenting rot in your husband and I am guessing you don't want that for your daughter. I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe the stewardship of children is a gift from God and He knows you are the woman for the job. Trust your own sound judgment to make the right decisions when it come to your daughter. And for those things that are out of you expertice trust that you can sort through advise you are given to find a solution that suits your family. As far as resonding to the letter thank here for her advise and concern, but firmly tell her that you and your husband with the advise of your doctor, or what other advisor or child psychologist or other expert(one that she can't argue with) have decided to take a different course of action. You need to confront her about her words though. the next time something like this happens say "Escuse me! you will not speak to my daughter that way again." Depending on the situation you may have to lay down the law and forbid her to see the girl if she is unable to control her tongue. It will make you feel better and put her on notice. The point is your daughter cannot defend herself against such threats and it is your job to do so. Hopefully, your husband will back you up. My husband always did and sometime very harshly.

Bring everything down to the only coin that has value the love for your daughter and the desire for her to grow into well balanced woman. The truth is your mother-in-law is not in the trenches day-in and day-out, she visits at her leisure.

God knows that you are the mother your daughter needs. Don't forget! He does not make mistakes!

Deborah

I have two daughters the oldest is 2 yrs and the youngest is 3 months. My 2 year old was never left with any one just recently she stayed the night at grandmas and that was h*** o* me then her. She is very independent and I love the fact that I get to stay home with both my girls. You could tell your mother-in-law thanks for the advice I will keep that in mind but for now this works for us. If she keeps pushing you tell her that she is upsetting you with second guessing your parenting skills. Good luck! Emma has a wonderful mom some one who loves and cares for her and in the end that all that matters.

A. I am afraid your mother-in-law will probably never change as far as the unsolicited advice goes but I feel your husband needs to stand up to his mother and say something. He needs to let her know how you both feel. You need to reassure your daughter that you are not going anywhere. I am afraid though that I do agree with your mother-in-law about your little one sleeping with you. While I am sure it makes the breast feeding easier for you. In the long run it is going to be harder to break the habit of sleeping with you when the time comes. It is definetely harder to be intimate with you husband when you have someone else in bed with you. Our children never slept with us. They knew that they each had their own bed and we had ours. M. (Mother of five, Grandmother to 11)

I totally understand my in-laws were terrible when I had my daughter, they have since lightened up, but I also have learned how to deal with them trying to control us (even in little things we do!!)...I would just write back and say how everyone was and thank them for visiting and then say thank you for the advice...I have learned to either not say much or try to change the subject...unless it is very very important (pick your battles).

Ugh! I am so sorry you're dealing with this. First of all, your daughter is so lucky to have such caring and devoted parents. There are so many neglected children out there who would do anything to have their parents "in their face" all the time!

Stranger anxiety is completely normal and it's just a part of development. In fact, I just read that it's actually a good sign of cognitive development -- they are making decisions about who they want to interact with and be around. And it also shows that they have a lot of trust in you! If it were me, I would write back with the bit about cognitive development. But really, you don't even have to dignify her letter with a response.

As far at the crib goes, let's just say we have a $1,000 "play pen" that we bought while we were pregnant. Back then I thought co-sleeping was kind of kooky but once I had my baby, it just felt so natural and so right.

Bottom line, YOU get to make the decisions for YOUR baby. That is what I told my own mom when she was overstepping. You might even want to say something like "I want her to know her grandmother but if you don't respect our decisions, we can't trust you with her." I have found you have to be firm in this situation!

Good luck!

A., I wouldn't ruffle any feathers. in laws and unsolicited advice go hand in hand. don't take it personally, this happens to every family, and you don't want to make a big deal about it because you'll create a tension in the family that will follow you for your entire life, and your CHILD'S. don't put your hubby in the middle, either. it has to be hard for him to see bad blood develop between you. eventhough you don't appreciate their advice it looks as though they love your daughter and are trying very hard to be a part of your lives. i wish my own parents were like that. take it from a point of view of "thank you for your wisdom and your advice, it shows you care for our baby" and leave it at that. don't start a family war. if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your husband and your daughter, who should grow up with a set of grandparents to spoil her and love her. don't be jealous of their love for her, your daughter will always be your daughter.

the issue of co-sleeping upsets me. i just watched a show called "dead men talking". in this particular episode a distraught mother of 2 twin infants who died in their sleep after a first born daughter had died of SIDS was nearly accused of murdering her children, but there was no sign of violence, toxic substances, so she was never charged. it was a real medical mystery. Dr. Baden is the most well known, prestigious Medical Examiner there is. He looked at all the records, did tests on her and her only surviving 10 year old son to see if there was a genetic defect that was making her children die suddenly. for two years this poor woman was trying to find out what happened to her babies. GUESS WHAT THE REASON WAS.
THEY HAD SUFFOCATED WHILE IN BED WITH HER. the distraught woman was wailing when she found out. she said how she had read articles that sleeping with infants would help bond with the mom, and that many articles she had read pointed to this being a good thing. Dr. Baden said this is a very dangerous habit, because you don't know when you're ASLEEP when your children are in distress, or have been covered up, or a pillow landed on them, or YOU! it was a very hard show to watch. and he said THIS HAPPENS A LOT. but they chalk it up to SIDS, not being suffocated in their sleep by their parents.
as long as this topic comes up i will bring up this story. one thing is to do it with a 2 year old, but with an infant? it's playing with fire. this poor woman has to live with the guilt that her twin boys died because of HER. you can't believe every thing you hear just because it sounds like something you want to do and you think it's a good idea. THERE are RISKS to this co-sleeping. parents beware, especially if you drink and go to bed in a stupor.

IT IS NOW NIGHTTIME AND YOU HAVE WRITTEN ME TWICE IN THE PAST HOUR.
A. DO NOT continue to email me because you didn't like my opinion of co-sleeping. i answered you once and i refuse to read your second email, i simply deleted it. i have a right to an opinion and you will neither censor nor call me on it. who exactly do you think you are? and when did you become an expert parent? i stand by my true story that infants have suffocated by their own parents in their beds. you must be young to be so pigheaded and not give my warning any consideration whatsoever. i pity your kid and your inlaws. clearly they have their hands full with a know it all who has what? 10 months of parenting under her belt? don't make me laugh. be a little humble, older people have been there and back. my own children are grown. you have a 10 month old daughter. big whoop. let us know how you do when she turns 12. if you don't want to receive advice don't post your questions on a public board. perhaps use a ouija board next time. this is not your board. i stand by my warning, and i hope it falls on the ears of a responsible parent who at leasts weighs the risks. the mother of the dead twins cried out on the interview, this was not scripted television: 'WHY WASN'T I TOLD OF THE RISKS ON ALL THESE ARTICLES?" . You don't like my advice or opinion? tough cookies. i couldn't care less. instead of telling me to read on parenting you should read up on what i'm talking about.

Don't respond. nothing says you have to. completely ignore it. acknowledging the letter gives it validity, and none of that is her business. If you feel a response is necessary, your husband should respond, since she is his mother. If he is supportive of the way your daughter is being raised, it should be his responsibility to tell his mom to lay off. that should solve the problem.

Wow. My in-laws did that a little too-- saying I was too close to my daughter- but never took the step to tell me what to do. I would politely but clearly tell her that you are not going to get into a debate with her on child rearing strategies but rather ask her to respect your role as the mother and that if you need advice you will ask for it. Another idea- perhaps your husband should talk to his Mom and tell her to butt out.

By the way- my daughter grew out of the stranger anxiety, also coslept with us till she was weaned at 15 months- and is doing great. I used to let that kind of advice really eat at me until I really realized- that I am the one raising these children and if something doesn't come out "right" they will all say its my fault regardless of what I did-- so it is up to me and their Dad as parents to make decisions and simply raise them the best we can.

Good Luck! You are in a tough place right now.