My son is a kindergartener who got off to a great start this year where making friends is concerned. Recently however, an ongoing dispute has developed between him and one little boy that he started off the school year especially enthusiastic about. The two of them have had a couple of very successful play dates, but now the other kid is refusing to be my son' s friend. He won't let my son sit next to him on the bus, etc. I don't know what the origin of the problem is and neither does my son, who is clearly upset about it even though he does have other good friends among his classmates. I have made the acquaintance of the other child's mom, and am wondering if it is a good idea to call her to see if we can try to help iron out the problem between the boys.
On one hand, I recognize that all kids have to learn to manage their friendships on their own, and also that parental intervention can do more harm than good. It's entirely possible that the problem could smooth itself out on its own by tomorrow, and that I am agonizing about this much more than my son. On the other hand, he's only five--he still depends on me for a lot of things. He clearly wants to be friends with this kid, and has run into a problem that he doesn't understand. How can I best help him?
Leave it alone and let them work it out. It may resolve and they are still friends or they may go their separate ways. As long as it's not physical and no one is bullying the other, leave it alone. It's called learning social skills and conflict resolution.
I had a similar situation happen with my son who was also five at the time. I tried to stay out of it, assuming he and the little girl would work it out. I talked about how sometimes we get upset with our friends. Sometimes people have bad days. Maybe he did something to hurt her feelings. Nothing comforted him. After a week and a half of him being in tears about it, I finally just approached the mother. I just told her that normally I stay out of my son's squabbles, kids fight, it happens. But this particular one had my son extremely upset, because he couldn't figure out what he did to upset the little girl. I told her to let me know if I needed to talk to my son about something he did, I was concerned about what he did to provoke it. I did not accuse her daughter. I was not upset with the mother. It was a very calm conversation, In the end, it was no big deal. (Another person was instigating things). The next day they were best buds again. So if it continues, I'd probably approach the mother. But I would give it some time to work itself out. Just be prepared that it's possible, this kid has just decided he doesn't like your son, or doesn't get along with him. It's hard to hear, but it happens. We have had to deal with that too. The first lesson on that was tough, but now he seems to understand. You aren't going to like everyone and everyone isn't going to like you. GL!
it's very hard to sit by and watch your kids struggle with something like this. but intervention is never (in the absence of cruelty) a good idea. you can role play, listen, offer hot chocolate, sympathize (to a degree), and most of all, model how to handle it.
but way way way too many parents these days oversee every interaction and manage them all minutely. clearly you're not one of these. but this really is a skill that kids must learn and the only way to internalize it is to do it. rather than fixing what's going on with this one particular child, i'd keep gently redirecting him toward the kids he does get along with.
and above all, listen without judgement or the need to fix.
good luck!
khairete
S.
I think he should ask the boy why the boy is being rude and if the boy simply doesn't want to be a friend anymore, move on. Your son has other friends. I would role play with him how to handle the negative interactions with the boy. You can also ask the teacher, "Mr./Mrs. Smith, I've noticed that Son and Boy no longer play well together. Have you seen anything in your class that might explain the sudden change in Boy toward Son?"
Overall, I'd give him tools and let him figure it out. Encourage him to sit with other friends. Be glad it's not 5th grade girls. Middle school girls are rotten and the alliances vary on the afternoon. Your head would spin to try to get it straight.
The other kid is going through something, and he's lashing out at your son b/c your son is simply the closets friend to him.
Let your son know it has nothing to do with him, that he doesn't have to be friends or be liked by everyone, to give that kid his space, to not think ill of the other kid or say bad things about him, and to be a good friend for when the kid gets over whatever he is going through. In the meantime, encourage your son to make a new friend and gain self confidence w/a friend who actually is nice to him.
I teach my kids that no matter how someone treats you, they are friendly to everyone, this way, the door's always open for friendship whether the other kid wants that right now or not. It took a while, lots of trial and error, before they really understood that, but now at 6 and 8, they never come home upset about another kid! Good luck, and good for you for letting the boys handle it on their own, in their own time... not too many parents do that anymore, and I truly believe it's life's little lessons like this that make a huge impact later on in life when it comes to decision making!
What I did (and still do) is explain to my son that not every kid you meet in 13+ years of school is going to be a "friend" -- some are, some are buddies, some are acquaintances, some are merely classmates. Encourage him to seek out kids he likes and that like him back. Explain that while not every kid he meets is going to be kind, nice and friendly, they all must get respect. Tell him the best way to make friends is to be a friend. Tough to watch this type of thing, for sure. And it does probably bother you more than it bothers your son.
My son had O. kid in his class last year that LOVED him, hounded him, as in his face constantly wanting to be BFFs...my son him? Not so much.
This went on for the better part of half the year. I had had enough of listening to complaints about this kid DAILY. I emailed the teacher. Their teacher intervened a bit, confirmed that the kids really did LIKE each other, but as he explained it to them that, although he (the teacher) loved his wife--sometimes you need a little space. It worked.
I'd give it some time first.
Good luck.
My 19 yo son, a sophomore away at college, has a friend since 3 yo preschool. Over the years there have been conflicts, he doesn't want to know my kid, he's mean, and probably vice versa as well. We moved to a new school/area while they were in 7th grade. They kept it going anyway. Sometimes they hung out, sometimes they didn't. Then after the conflict a little time went by, and they both sorta just shrugged it off. Happened a lot. For all I know they may STILL have the occasional conflict, same as any other long term relationship.
Then they were friends again. It comes and goes. But when they're both home from school now, the other is the first one they call.
He will learn for himself whether it's worth waiting out the rough patch. Meanwhile, there's a lot of other kids to be friends with, right?
Sure, talk to his mom about it if you like, if you need to, but ultimately they'll work it out on their own I think.
:)
I am a firm believer in teaching our kids how to handle themselves at an early age. We cannot save them forever. You cannot force anyone to be friends with your son. Instead, have a talk with him about finding new friends that do not treat him like dirt, and that are nice to him. Tell him about standing up for himself & knowing when to move on.
I cannot tell you how many times my DD has claimed she was or wasn't friends with someone, just in this Kinder year alone. I highly doubt the boy is trying to be mean, he's probably just moved on to another "BFF". 5 year olds don't have the greatest social skills. The difference is that my DD is very social & head strong & doesn't get hung up on just one kid, and I tell her that if someone's mean to her, to stop playing with them & find someone nice to play with.
Rejection is always hurtful, but not everyone will want to be his friend. Sometimes kids are your friend for awhile, and then decide they'd rather not be your friend for whatever reason. It won't be the first time your son meets a new kid at the start of a school year, things start out buddy-buddy, and after awhile one or both kids realize they have some big differences that don't allow them to be BFF. Little kids aren't the best at handling this with tact. It's a learning process. If it's just about the other boy not wanting to sit with him on the bus and not wanting to play with him or be his friend, I would not call the kid's Mom. She might get defensive and in another 2 years or 2 weeks the boys may find their way back to being friends again. If your son watches you see this as a big problem, that's how he is going to think of it, as a big problem he needs to worry about and to "fix." I'd be non-chalant about it. Encourage him to focus on other kids. Whenever he is sad about it, call and make plans with a different friend. Don't dwell on one kid who's decided to become more distant. I would try to redirect rather than commiserate with him.
You are his defender. Yes you can call his parents still at kindergarden age. But this other kid might be the makings of a mean kid. Your son will have to learn that he doesnt want to be friends with someone like that. Maybe this kid is pickiing up bad habits from somewhere.
I think since you have made the connection to the mom that I would ask what's up.
I think I would say something along the lines of "Hey, XXX (his mom's name), is everything okay with XXX (her son's name)? XXX (my son's name) came home the other day and said XXX (her son's name) was mad at him. What happened, did XXX (my son's name) do something I need to know about?".
If she doesn't know about it this conversation opens the door for her to ask him what is going on and getting back to you about it so the two of you will know what is going on.
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/17625482087945666561
This was my post about my daughter from the other day, in a similar situation. I know it's titled "girl drama" but really, I think it's more "pre-schooler drama" and what starts to happen when they are 4 or 5 and in school for the first time and starting to have more friendships with their peers - they are only just figuring out what friendship is all about. My daughter wants to be friends with another girl in her class, but this other little girl tends to run hot and cold - one day she's DD's "best friend" and then another day she's in a bad mood and just wants everyone to leave her alone. And DD can't always figure it out and not take it personally. I've tried to explain to her, "It's not you, it's her, and don't worry about it." And that while she can be nice to everyone, not everybody is going to be her "best friend" and they don't have to be either.
I actually learned more about this girl in particular by talking with the teachers. Not that they can always say very much, because sometimes it could be something really personal, but basically that this is her personality - she gets upset about something and will carry that bad attitude around with her all day. And that's hard for DD to understand, because she's not like that at all - she gets over stuff pretty quickly and just wants to be friends with everyone. Of course, she could be friends with the other 18 kids in the class but if this 1 girl decides she doesn't want to give her the time of day, you would think she doesn't have any friends at all. I've been talking to her about the fact that she can try to cheer this other girl up if she's being pouty but if she's just being mean, to just leave her alone and find someone else to play with.
Since you know the boy's mom, if you feel comfortable talking about it, I would just take a very low-key non-confrontational approach and see if you guys can figure out what is really going on. Talking with the teacher might be insightful too. I agree that it's good to let kids work things out in their own, but at this age, they still need help - sometimes these are rough murky waters that can be tough to navigate when they only have a very young child's perspective.
