Guns in New Friends Home

Hi R.,

I live in a state where gun ownership is the norm. Children are raised from a very young age to be safety smart about weapons.

However, having said that, I would encourage you to have a very frank talk with the friend's mom. Express your concerns and, if she's willing, have her show you how safely the guns are stored. Then, the four of you (friend, friend's mom, you and your daughter) should all sit down and have an equally frank discussion about gun safety. What I WOULDN'T do is drop this friend cold turkey after she's been so nice without letting her know that the problem is your issues with weapons and safety, not her and her family. (Not that your issues aren't valid, but they are yours, not hers.)

If you're still not comfortable after the discussions, resolve to continue the friendship, but all play time is at your house or on neutral territory. Again, explain to mom why. She'll either be cool with it or drop you and your family as friends.

Whatever you choose has to be good for you. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

So here is what is coming up for me. Stick to your morals and your personal rules, no guns, no being around guns and no hanging out where guns are present. You are the parent, you get to choose with who and where you children will play. It is your job to keep them safe. You make the choice.

I have a neighbour who use medicinal marajuana to help with her MS. I DO NOT let my children play in her home. Their kids can come here, they can play out side but they DO NOT GO INTO HER HOME. I know her "medicine" is locked in her room, but what if...

Another family on the street drinks freely. Again, my children are NOT ALLOWED in their home. Again same rule, they can play outside with the kids, but they are not allowed to go inside.

Both situations I educate, but I also set safe boundaries. Guns are unsafe. Drugs are unsafe. Alcohol is unsafe. My job as a parent is to keep my children safe. I know I can not control it all, but I will do my best to keep my children safe.

Trust your insticts, that is why we have them.

B.
Family Success Coach

4 moms found this helpful

I would continue to be very friendly toward this family. At the same time, explain to the parents your hesitancy in allowing your children to be in an environment around guns. Don't be critical or judgmental of them for owning guns. Tell them that you are afraid that your children may somehow gain access to the guns. Children are curious and it only takes one time for the adults to be distracted and an accident to happen. This could happen whether it is guns, alcohol, drugs, inappropriate content on television and internet, etc. Don't give up your personal beliefs about this subject. Keep talking to your kids, as well as their friends about safety in general. Allow the children to be friends with this family's children, but try to have your children entertain the friends either in your home or at a public place where you can supervise interaction if needed. If your children feel comfortable in inviting their friends over, then you get to meet the friends and have a better idea of what is going on. Always meet the parents or at least talk to them on the phone before allowing your children to visit their home. Continue to be the wonderful parent that you are.

Best of luck,
J.

4 moms found this helpful

R., I know I am the minority opinion here but......... I grew up in a household with guns. My siblings and I knew about them and where they were. We never touched them. We all own guns now. In fact, we just inherited all my recently deceased father's guns.

When my kids were young I would often play a child's gun safety video for them to watch and we would discuss what to do if they saw one. They have never had any problems. My sister, brother and I all have children of varing ages and all are aware the adults own guns. Mine have locks on them and the ammo is in a locked container, and all are in a non-accessible location. My brother has a gun vault.

I think it is essential to educate and have ongoing, age appropriate conversations with children about guns, violence, drugs, alcohol, gangs, driving, sex, etc. You can not always control their environment so it is just as important, if not more so, for the kids to know about these issues before they encounter them and what to do.

I have yet to have a parent not allow their children to visit our home because of the (non-visible) presence of guns. My family (including parents and siblings) have never had any problems in this area.

I hope I've given you a somewhat different perspective on guns. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

I think that at 10 yo your daughter would be old enough for a gun safety talk. Ask the mother what they do to encourage that the kids are safe. Ask if they plan on teaching the kids gun safety and if so can they include your kids on those lessons.

Otherwise I'd tell my kids that if they see a gun to leave it alone and tell the closest adult about it.
Hope that makes sence.

3 moms found this helpful

The book "Freakonomics" includes an interesting study comparing safety in homes with guns vs. homes with swimming pools. Guess which home is actually safer? You guessed...the home with guns. The number of serious accidental injuries and deaths related to pools is many, many times higher than with guns. I was initially surprised when I read that but it makes sense. Pools are for fun and to help people relax. But people don't think "fun" and "relaxation" when it comes to guns (even recreational hunters who use them like that). I'm NOT for or against guns on principal but I don't know anything about them so they kind of scare me. I will have a house with a pool before I ever have guns bc I was raised with pools. Anyway this study was eye opening and has made me think twice about pool playdates. I understand your apprehension. It sounds like they take their gun safety more seriously than some folks with pools.

3 moms found this helpful

I grew up with lots of guns in the house used for hunting. My Dad kept them in the gun cabinet, but occasionally left one out during hunting season. We never bothered them as we were told to never touch. Being around them, we knew the dangers. However, I have a friend who's little nephew shot his brother with a hunting rifle left out by a friend's parent. These boys were never around them & therefore didn't know to not touch & were naturally curious. If I were you, I'd ask the father for a "tour" of his storage area/lock system. Are they used for hunting? Does he collect them? When does he take them out and where is the key stored (so no kids can get to them)? They should also never be loaded while inside the house.

2 moms found this helpful

I totally understand your concern. That type of accident would be a parent's worst nightmare. I grew up around guns. I believe you have to take a safety course to own them like that. The bullets should always be kept in a separate area from the guns. And the guns should not be loaded. Just be extra gracious and apologize for seeming so untrusting and "would they mind if you asked just one more question" and then ask if the guns are loaded and amunition separate. They may have one loaded for intruders but still, you need to know. And you need to know if the children in the house have been instructed as to gun safety themselves - eg. you should never assume a gun is not loaded, and never point it at someone, even if unloaded. Things like that. And just tell your daughter that if they ever bring out a gun, she is to come home. But the most powerful thing is to tell lots of terrible true stories of accidents and don't hide the details. They WILL remember that! If you do that, you should be fine. Usually people who have a special safe for their guns are extremely careful individuals.

2 moms found this helpful

Hello R. ,
I am a person also who has always said NO GUNS!and will never compromise. When I was 14(now 47) my nieghbor got into the GUN CASE? That was LOCKED UP??,The Dad was a Police officer,and I am sure he knew how to keep his guns safe.Well as the story would end a little boy(1)5yrs old had his head blown off,boy(2)5yrs old pulled the trigger. Both dads were Police officer,All the children witness this event,it was a summer day 6 kids just playing.Very sad for all,JUST PLAYING? and JUST LOCKED UP.So I would have her at your house.I am sure my friend wished they had a rule they stuck with.So in behave of BOY 1 never compromise.I am against guns around children.We need to keep our children safe, we are parents,I have a 8 yr old son.Never compromise.
Thank-you T.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi R.

This is a hard one.. I too would not like my kids to be in this situation. On the one hand, the "small town, small class" would make it hard to not be awkward if this relationship goes sour; on the other hand, safety is first! What does your husband think? If you continue to let your kid go to that house, will you very stop having this nagging feeling about whether you've made a right decision? If she is near any guns, like others have said, she and the other kid need to be educated about gun safety... as a mom, do you think that she is old enough to understand it all? Or would you rather her not be exposed to it till she was older?

I am sorry that I dont really have a good suggestion for you. This is a hard one. I just think that these are the questions that I would ask myself, among some others, if it were me.. Good luck to you and your family.

2 moms found this helpful

Talk to your kids! Let the parents know how you feel, it sounds like you have already started that conversation. Take your kids to gun safety classes. 10 is certainly old enough for that. Me and my husband grew up around guns. My dads were under his bed! My husbands dad was more responsible about it and all the kids went to gun safety, they also hunted. But it is his stance that kids who have gun safety lessons are better able to assess unsafe situations and do the RIGHT thing when one arises. There is little to no curiosity with kids who have been educated about guns and have handled them. My kids are almost 6 and 2. My 6 year olds have been told over and over and quized about what to do when they encounter a gun--any gun (real or not). These days the fake ones look so real. You could always have playdates over at your house instead...? Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

You have a lot of good advice in here! Bottom line you need to do what is best for your child. If you see a good relationship with this family, work on it. I like Dana B's non-confrontational advice. I would also explain that since your kids haven't been around guns, they don't fully understand the ramifications and rules about being around guns and you don't want anyone to be in an unsafe situation. You may choose to allow play when you are visiting as well or outdoors, whatever works. It is always a challenge when kids are making their own friends!! Good luck to you.

2 moms found this helpful

I do not own a gun and have always felt like you. I remember hearing horrible stories as I grew up about gun accidents. My brother in law has a gun collection. He also keeps his guns in a safe. Watching how responsible he is with his guns has made me feel much more comfortable with the idea. I remember when I was a kid, people would keep their guns under their bed or in their closet - that is how those horrible accidents happened. I am 100% confident that a gun accident could not happen at my brother in law's house because he is so responsible with his guns. All guns are locked in the safe and he is the only one with the combination. If your daughter's family is responsible too, then you do not have to worry at all.

I would also educate my children about gun safety. We need to prepare our children to handle all types of situations. I would tell her about the horrible stories that you heard growing up so that she learns that guns are not toys. I think this teaches her more than sheltering her would.(as long as the neighbors are responsible)

I would also talk with the mom and let her know your feelings about guns. I think you need to get to know them well, in order to make a good decision.

Good Luck ~

1 mom found this helpful

I would sit your kids down and ask them what they know about guns. Ask questions and find out what they would do in different situations, then correct any wrong answers. It's better for them to be aware. Ignorance is what causes accidents.
I have 4 children and we have guns, in a safe, in our home. My husband has already taught them that if they see/find a gun they are not to touch/play with it, and should go get a grown up. My kids know that guns are not toys. EVER!!!
If the guns are in a safe and the owner is responsible, then I wouldn't be too worried.

1 mom found this helpful

Go with your gut.

My children are not allowed to play where guns are...locked or not. BUT their friends are always welcome in my home.

You can take everyone on outings, schedule playdates in the park, have them over to your home etc. You have many options in fostering friendships that don't include having your kids in a home that you're not comfortable with.

1 mom found this helpful

If he is safety conscious and the guns are in a safe then you should be okay. I once had a friend that lots of guns. When my children were little I refused to go over there. He went out and purchased a safe just to ease my mind. I was very touched that he understood and made that effort.

You should be fine, but gun safety starts at your end too. Explain the dangers to your kids and explain what is acceptable and what is not.

If your kids are educated and he is practicing safety, then all should be well.

1 mom found this helpful

Growing up my uncle was a gun collector. Something I never understood but he loved it. His guns were always locked in large gun safes. His kids all took gun safety courses at young ages. With all of us playing in their house over the years there was never an incident. The only time I ever even saw the guns were if my uncle had one out and was in the room. The level of care and safety as well as hard fast rules about when the guns came out made the difference I am sure. Honest conversation with your neighbor would be the best course of action. I also agree with everyone else that if you are not comfortable then invite the kids to your house.

1 mom found this helpful

Do some research. Find out some basic information about how guns work and why. Explain to your children the realistic consequences of playing with guns. Don't be afraid to tell them kids can die. I'm not saying you have to show them a gruesome slasher movie, but be real with them.
Talk to the parents that have the weapons. Ask to see the safe. Maybe it will make you feel better.
Tell your kids that if they ever see a gun lying around unattended, that they needt to immediately tell an adult. Tell your kids if they see another child handling a gun to get the heck out of the area immediately and tell an adult.
My mother raised me in a very anti-gun household, much like the views you expressed. She had problems with me visiting my aunt's house because her husband was a police officer and a hunter. He was always super responsible with his weapons, but she still had an absolutely no guns rule. (Not even water guns.)
I was responsible enough to tell my parents when I saw one lying unattended on a bed in her friends house. Hopefully your children will too. You can only hope to educate them and pray that they make responsible decisions. You can't control every person they come into contact with for the rest of their lives.
(As a side note, my husband and I both became police officers, and instead of having an anti-gun household, now we have a super gun household. I don't believe guns are the best thing ever, but we spend a lot of time talking to our 6 y/o son about weapons, weapon safety, and the potential damage they can do. He is not allowed to point even toy guns at people. And we have a super heavy duty safe that he does not have access to. I don't believe our house is any less safe than that of our neighbors and friends.)

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter is only 16 months old. To tell you the truth I am not sure how I would deal with this situation. BUT I will say this. My motto is always better SAFE than SORRY.

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EDUCATE!!! Your kids have probably already been in a house with a gun and you didn't even know. Kids who know about guns are generally not as interested in picking one up to check it out. Everyone should have a healthy fear of guns but that fear should come from a good education about how they work and what they can do if used improperly. In a situation where your child might be exposed to another kid who is curious about a gun your kiddo's will already know the dangers and feel confident telling their peers no.

1 mom found this helpful

..and this is why you would make sure they always meet at YOUR house. Like you said, accidents happen.

My thought is to continue the friendship in outside places like parks, Chuck E. Cheese, etc. Obviously you want to educate your children on the dangers and how accidents happen, so that if they are ever in that situation, a) warning bells go off in their heads, and b) they are strong enough to say no and walk away...which is really hard for a kid trying to make friends. db

R.,

Truth is that although the guns are locked in a safe and likely not a danger to the kids, they are not under your control. So, you can't be 100 percent sure of anything while your child is playing there. A friend of mine once shared with me her tactic in the same situation. She told her friend about her concerns and when she was given every assurance that her kids knew how to be safe with guns, she ended by saying that she would feel terrible when her kid, who did not know how to handle guns safely, shot her son if he found them unlocked! That ended the conversation. The kids then always played at my friends house from then on.

Good luck.

R. B

I feel like you do about guns. Children today have a need to feel important and guns (for what ever reason) make them feel this way. No matter how careful the gun owner is, there is always the risk of accidents happening. However, with the proper perception of the damage a gun can do to people many of these accidents can be controlled to a degree. Sit your children down and explain the dangers of a gun and why they must stay away from them. If you have reservations, contact the police department and have them explain things to your children. I personally will never have a gun in my home, but I have no control over what others have in their homes. You could spend more time with your children's friends family and learn by observation how they are with the topic of guns in the home, and what additional safety measures they have and are taking to teach their children that "guns (whether they are squirt guns or real guns) are not toys and should be respected as such). Since the fascination with guns begins with water fights using squirt guns, it is a starting place to teach children responsibility and respect for guns of any kind (as I said plastic or real).

If your gut is telling you that your kids are not in a safe place, then it's okay not to let them go there. I think that in this case, your daughter can certainly still be friends with the other girl, they may just have to play at your house. I would be willing to bet that if you have a calm, rational discussion with the mother and let her know you're just not comfortable with it, but you would still love your kids to play together, she will understand. If not, there is nothing you can do about it and you have to trust your own judgement. Just make sure your daughter understands. Good luck, I think I would be just as uncomfortable with it as you are.