Going Through a Divorce W/ a 26 Month Old Who Is Starting to Ask for Daddy...

My advice is DO NOT tell her he's at work all the time. I made that mistake with my then 18 month old and she was terrified when I started work that I would be like daddy and not come home.
B.

Hi M.....

I am not sure how much I can help, but here is my story. Over a year ago I finally met the man of my dreams. The only catch was that he had a son, I was really scared of the whole situation because I have not had any kids yet and he was only 16 months old. Him and his exwife split due to her being unfaithful and their son was too little to understand what was going on. A month ago we were married, and this Friday his ex is getting married too. His son, Tyler, has just started to understand that he is going between 2 different houses. It took a little while for him to get use to going to his moms house for a week then coming here.... he is now use to having 2 mommy's and 2 daddy's and going from house to house each week. It took allmost 6 months of getting use to and support from both ends. When he would go to his moms house we would explain that he was going to go and play with mommy for a week and then in few day, this weekend we would be back to get him. When we picked him up we would tell him that he was going to come and play with us for a few days and then go back to mommys house. His mom got really upset because he was always excited to go to our house and upset when he had to leave. Now after doing this for over a year he is really use to it and we never have a problem with him going from house to house. Both of our kids are too little to have the divorce talk, but with a little explaining of that they will spend time here and then time with the other parent and time getting use to your daughter will be fine. I personally am dreading the day when he asks why he has 2 mommys or 2 daddy's. or now that his mom is having another baby next month, why his new sister can't go to daddy's with him. Feel free to email me anytime. My email is ____@____.com.

I'm sorry about the divorce,its one of the hardest things you'll go through,especially having children.Your daughter needs just as much support as you do through this,remember...she has feelings too even though she is very young.She will be frustrated for awhile through all the change until she is old enough to understand.Hopefully,the father is or will support you when it comes to your daughter's behavior.I'm sure he's mad at you about the seperation,but he needs to be told to suck it up and help you with your daughter."She is not the one that left him",it's not her fault.Try your best to not defy your husband if front of her, and vice-versa for your husband.She will pick up on that,and use it to manipulate the both of you.Be stern with her during this transition,but loving.First,tell her you love her,then tell her she needs to behave and put her in timeout...in a chair in the corner,etc.Be VERY consistent with discipline,no matter how tired you are.I have two children,and it works.Good luck.

hi. i know talking to a toddler about the divorce can be hard. she spends more time with you than her daddy, so she's going to ask for him-especially when she doesn't get her way. try to let her learn her way into the divorce and answer questions as they come up. don't rush into any explanation right now. you will know when the time is right to tell her. good luck.

Daer M.:
I pasted the same situation but maybe my 2 children were older than your daughter. Something I did and I really think was "correct" was saying the kids that daddy and mommy were having some problems living together and then decided to live appart one to the other. I said to them that things happened and was ok, because "incredible" they spend more time with daddy when he leaved the house. Try to talk nice about him (I know it's hard after something like that), and maybe you can add that something families live better like that because they miss each other. It's bad to have a divorce, but you are going to survive same as I did!! Believe me!!!

I don't know if this will help. My parents divorced when I was 3. I do remember bits and pieces of their arguments and the divorce. In the begining he stuck to the every other weekend thing but after a while it got old. It took me a long time to realize that my Dad was a "looser". My advice to you based on my own personal experiences is when she ask for Daddy, calmly tell her he's at his house and she will see him soon. Be sure not to talk about him around her, especially anything negative. Punishing and saying no is hard but good parenting. Obviously she gets her way around him, but you know that letting her get her way is not the right thing to do.

Overall this is probably hurting you more than her just hearing her ask for him when she's with you. Don't give in just because she starts asking for him and you don't want to be the bad guy, as hard as it is.

Your divorce is still fresh, remember you have us to turn to when you need some support.

Hey M.!

I can tell you this. I am going through the same thing right now. Oddly enough, he is now married to his "friend". At the beginning, Kurt, my son, did the same thing. There are different ways of trying to get them to understand what is going on. The best thing to do is just try to keep their mind off of his dad. I can also tell you this. I have been leagaly divorced since december of 05. I am still fighting with him over the property and debt. UNDERSTAND this case can take a year or more. I was also abused and it was hard to leave. But the hardest thing is having to relive all the torment I went through again. Every time we go to court. All I can say is be strong. He was wrong you were right. Your child will eventually loose contact with her father and you will find her a new father figure. However dont ever let her call him DADDY! You will understand better when she gets older and starts to ask who her daddy is. Where she came from? And more and more questions to that affect. Just hold your head high and keep telling yourself you are the big man here. You know what is best and you will fight till the end for your child. If you would like to talk more, email me and we can talk.
Hope for the best.
A.

I am going through the same thing. My husband and I were married for 11 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. He was always working also. Me and my daughter moved out in June of this year. He was also abusive. I have learned though that althoug it may be h*** o* us, its harder on the children. My daughter has just started to unterstand that her father and I are not getting back together. I will be praying for you and your child.

Well M. this is a very tough time I am sure. I recently went through a divorce in January of this year and I have a four year old (3 at the time). When she askes I have no choice but to explain to her why daddy is not in the same house with us and I try to make the communications open with her and him also. If she asks to speak to him I call so that she may do so. It takes some getting used to but....It gets better as time goes on.

Hard lessons are the ones that stick. I can see where this may seem difficult to you. I believe that he created the mess so let him clean it up. If you are still on talking terms with him, calmly let him know that your daughter has asked about his friend and let him know your view on the subject.

As far as your daughter, youhave to remain the "adult" no matter how childish he may act. She is learning life lessons from the two of you and you don't want to seem that you are preventing her from her daddy but you don't need drama either.

Maybe you can get him to get on a schedule and call her several afternoons or just before bed to keep the relationship between them. THe conversation between you and your daughter should be age appropriate and I feel that the term divorce to a two year old is like rocket science to a seven year old. THey may not understand the terms but the action that mom and dad don't live together may be just what she understands right now.

I hope this helps

L. S

It doesn't sound as if it's the missing Daddy thing that is getting to her / you. She asks for Daddy b/c he won't punish her, and she feels like she is better there, also she knows even at a young age that this frustrates you, and if she is persistent she will get her way. It is a discipline thing, I went through this with my husband. He has a daughter from his first marriage, and her birth mother gave up her rights. I adopted her, and she lives with us now. However when we would get her on visitation prior to gaining full custody he would give her whatever she wanted, and I disagreed with that. I told him that would only make her act out worse as she got older. Sounds like your ex may not be diciplinig her or sticking to the same rules that you follow. It is important for both parents to follow the the same sets of rules regardless whether you live together or not. If your ex is not willing to help, and you have no set custody arrangment. Try getting his visitation supervised or worse case removed. My husbands ex-wife never had her daughter she was always dropped off with grandparents and spoiled, so when we got her, punishing her was not only tough on us but on her, b/c she was allowed to run free and do as she pleased and not get punished when necessary.

You have already gotten a lot of good advice. I will say this. I was in a relationship with my daughter's father for 2 years and it was badly emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. I left him when my daughter was 6 months, but after 6 months got back together and had this cycle for 2 years, until my daughter was 2 1/2 and just could not take it anymore. I finally left. My now 4 year old, would constantly ask about him for the first few months after he left. She didn't see him but maybe 4 times last year. Mostly b/c of his sister or aunt who I would get to watch her b/c I felt it was important to be around his family. I have to push it if she wants to see his side of the family. There has not been one time in 2 years he has initiated the contact. But over the months following our separation, she didn't ask for him as much. She talkes about him from time to time, and when she wants to talk to him I have to tell her he is at work, b/c we don't have a phone number to contact him, b/c they don't have a phone...I never talk bad about him to her, she will figure it out when she is older and we can talk then. She already knows things, b/c when we first split up she would tell my friends that daddy makes mommy cry or he hurts her....so she has memories of the not so good times and the yelling, but it was the best thing for me and her to get away from that. Raising a child on my own is very difficult and trying with no help at all from anyone...and I must say that I commend you for doing what you needed to do. It does take strength! We females need to realize that we do not have to put up with certain things to be happy. I wish you and your daughter the best.....if you need to talk ever email me at ____@____.com

I went through the same thing. Me and my ex divorced 4 years ago. We have 2 boys together ages 6 and 5 now. But when we divorced they were 26 months and 11 months. It was hard because they adored their dad. They asked for him all the time. So I sat down with them to let them know mommy and daddy were not happy together and we felt like their lives would be a lot better if we were in 2 separate households. Of course they really didn't understand then but they learned to deal with it. Well, I recently got remarried and me, my husband, our little girl and the boys just recently moved here to Memphis from the state their dad lives in. And it has started all over. My oldest boy is o.k. because he is a momma's boy but the youngest boy is so confused. He thinks I'm trying to take him from his dad forever. And of course his dad doesn't make matters any better. They love my new husband and they call him dad. But their dad puts so much in their head that they are confused. I hate to tell you but it's gonna be a never ending battle. Me and my husband just sit down and talk to them all the time so that they know they are loved and that everything is o.k. My baby boy told me the other day he wish he came out of his dad stomach so he could live with him. And that really hurt me. But I sat down and talked to him about it. And I found out he really doesn't feel that way. He just says things like that so his dad wouldn't know he was happy here with me and my husband. You just have to pray about it and things will work out. I really admire you for leaving your husband a lot of women are not strong enough to do it. I went through it with my ex. He made me feel like nothing. But I have been blessed with a real man now. I didn't think they existed but it's still some out there.

hi, I completely understand. If it was me i sit down and tell her that daddy doesnt live here and he isnt here and you have to listen to mommy . I have 2 daughters myself i have raised both by my self. I have a 3 year old and almost one year old. they are from 2 different men. My oldest her dad use to hit on me whenm i was pregnant and after and i still stayed with him for 5 years i had to leave bk i couldnt take it . She is 3 years old now and she doesnt want nothing to do with her dad becausehe ignores her . Well, my second child father got me pregnant on purpose and he left and she has never seen him bk
he wont make attempt to come around and she does the same thing but, it will get better . It takes time . Its h*** o* my youngest child bk she see my oldest child dad and she wants her dad and he aint around . Does he explain things to her ? I think i would get you and your ex to sit down and try to talk to her because this could end up bothering her later on .

I too live in Acworth and I am a 34-year-old single mother of a 4-year-old little girl. I moved out when my daughter was 8-weeks-old, stayed gone for 5 months, moved back in with her father for 6 months only to leave again and stay gone. It is better to be from a broken family than to live in a broken family. You did the right thing in leaving while she is still young.
Make sure your daughter knows that you and her father love her very much. Always be civil with the ex in front of her (know matter how hard that may be). When she asks for her daddy tell her she will see him on the weekend or ask her if she would like to talk with him on the phone. She is still young and soon she will be use to the repitition of seeing her father every other weekend. Would you be willing to allow him to have her one night for dinner during the week for dinner? That may help her with missing him and only seeing him every other weekend.
As far as her not getting her way, make sure she knows it will be no different with her father as it is with you. Hopefully the two of you are sharing in the discipline. Make sure he knows your set of rules and follows them.

Good luck and best wishes,

N.

honey i know how you feel i have a 3 year old and me and my ex was together for almost 6 years married for 4 and my ex dont even come and see her like he should and all i can say to her when she asked about her daddy is tell her that me and him could no longer be together and that we both love her and that he will be in her life... i hope this helps you a lil bit

Because you daughter is at a very concrete age, you have to approach her in this way. Try to be positive about her requests but let her know that "normal" is "seperate" now. Also, it may be hard, but it is probably a good idea to speak with your x-husband about how these topics can be approached and maybe some guidelines for "friends" that you can both respect. If your x-husband wants extra time with your child, or your child wants the same, allow that within reason. When your daughter wants to see her father, let her call him on the phone. If it is not an appropriate time for her to talk to him, try to refocus and redirect her until it is or you know of a way to verbalize your thoughts with her.
I have experienced this with my two young children and I feel that the most important thing is to always speak in a positive manner about your x-husband no matter what and try to remember that you do not have to go into great detail about your feelings or what truely happened in your divorce. I hope this helps and good luck. Dealing with divorce is a constant battle.

I know this response is a little late....As for talking to her about the divorce, she is too young to understand about that. Just tell her that Daddy has to live somewhere else but she can talk to him on the phone. You don't want her growing upo thinking that the only time he is available to her is on the weekends he sees her. I'm sure he wouldn't mind a phone call from his baby girl. As she gets older and starts asking questions you can fill her in. Don't make the mistake of talking to her like an adult to force her to grow up to soon though. Good luck.

Not sure I can help much..I'm going through the same situation, basically. My son is 3 years old (as of yesterday). Daddy left us when he was 22 months and I didn't think he would even be used to the idea of mommy and daddy being together anymore---but yesterday his daddy was dropping him at school when I got there and he tried to put my hand in his daddy's hand.. I felt awful. He's also been asking for his dad to come over to our house lately and to go over there more often when he doesn't get his way. I don't know how to explain to him the whole situation, but I'd love to get some feedback too. We've been going through a divorce for over a year now (he left in June of '05) and the final hearing isn't even for another 2 months!

Hi M. K,

Although I was not married to my daughter's father, she was around the same age as yours when he all of a sudden stopped coming around to visit and pick her up. He would get her every weekend. Pick her up on Friday evenings or early Saturday morning and bring her back Sunday evenings. He did this for two year and without and warning just stopped. Children are very smart these days. I guess she knew on the days she wasn't going to daycare her daddy should be there to pick her up.

Whenever she would cry I would just tell her daddy's not coming today. He had to work or make up some excuse for him. To this day I have never spoken anything negative about him around her to to anyone. She she had her crying spells I just let her cry and get it out until she stopped. Remember kids do things to get attention.

I would try to keep her busy with activities, spend time focus on her, allow her to help you with things make doing things around the house fund and offer special treats when she helps outs.

It is not easy being a single parent, but by keeping a positive outlook on everthing when things are not going your way helps you get throught them.

M.,

I went throught the same thing when my daughter was around the same age. My husband and I got married because I got pregnant and tried to keep it together for her. We were only married for 3 years and it came to a point where I could not take living with someone I did not love (he was also emotionally abusive). It was very hard to take when my daughter would ask for her Daddy, mainly because he never really paid much attention to her and he made the divorce very painful. I tried very hard never to say anything negative about him to her, at least until she was old enough to understand (and then it was only truth). However, I was very honest about the fact that Daddy did not live with us anymore and the fact that he would not be around except on "special" occasions. I told her that Mommy and Daddy just did not want to live together anymore. That we were better friends that way. I let her know that it had nothing to do with her and that we both still loved her just the same. At first she cried for him a lot, then it just slowly faded away. We formed a special bond that stays with us to this day (and will always be there). I think the time she spent with him made her long for me, as she was always so happy to come home. We eventually moved to TN from VA. I made twice monthly trips back so she could visit him (9 hours each way!), until I could no longer afford to so. He never came to TN to visit her, not once!

My ex eventually asked to give up rights to her because he did not want to pay child support anymore for a child he never saw and I allowed him to disappear from our life because I wanted to be sure that she would not go to him should something ever happen to me. The hardest thing is telling a child that her father did not want her. Why she no longer had a dad. But, I have found that the truth is always best. I just try to make her understand things from his prospective. Explaining the truth and the reasons that things happened how they did worked best for me. My daughter has adjusted and never even asks about her biological father anymore.

She has told me that she is glad I was honest with her. We went through some tough times together on our own and are stronger for it.