Friend's Inappropriate Son

You're probably to the point where you will need to be more direct and honest with her. It might actually do her (and her child) a favor - on the other hand she may become very hurt and offended. In that case you just have to let it go.

IMHO it is wrong for parents to force their friends' children on their own children when it is clearly not a match. Friendship, even between kids, needs to be a two-way street where both parties get some benefit or enjoyment out of it.

Your instincts are correct imnho - good job.

It is our job as parents to protect our children. My husband and I would personally NEVER let our children be put in that situation and be exposed to those behaviors knowingly.

Stand your ground. Do NOT let them play or sleep over at her house.

I do think that it would also be best for you to sit down and TELL her why you won't allow the sleep over and play dates. Honesty (as hard as it is) is the best policy. Don't be confrontational and make sure to point out what YOU want for YOUR kids and not focus so much on her son.......... If you're ready to end the friendship over this anyway, it really won't matter how she takes what you have to say. Perhaps it will help her realize that they need to do something different with their son.

Ditto Angela.

Something is inappropriate and weird about that boy... much less their home and his room with all the naked pics on his walls etc.
Um, that is really.... off.

You REALLY have to stick to your stance... no matter what.

This is not about offending her or not or being polite or not... it is about the well-being of your children and their safety.

Her "begging" for these socials is really off too. Red flag.

DO NOT give in.
I would, tell her honestly, and that's it.

Hopefully you talk with your kids about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors... and how they need to be able to discern these things as well AND talk with you about it... when they are uncomfortable about anything or another kids behavior..... and how to CHOOSE friends.... and that you both can talk about it.... openly.

You have to be direct and honest. Behaviors are learned and you don't want to expose your children to the sorts of things her son seems to be into. Either she'll shape up, or she'll hit the pavement. Either way, goal achieved, right?

L

Hello, Unfortunately, these are her mistakes to make. I would not allow my boys to be alone or sleep over with him. If it comes to it, I would tell her that her son's behavior is not what we want our children to be around. That will probably be the end of the friendship, but it might be a big relief for you and your children.
I don't understand people who refuse to see the negative behavior by their own children. These are usually the ones who will wait and point out anything that other children do just to try and make their children seem okay. They are not doing theirs any favors. I standard with our children and grandchildren (as well as my former daycare children and children I worked with at school) has always been "Teach them rules now, because later it is laws they will break if they don't learn."
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I have a similar situation, but the lady's oldest son is not inappropriate, just out of control!!! I don't know why people think kids need sleepovers (but that is just my opinion) Why isn't a playdate sufficient enough time? My youngest son's friends mom was always saying "why don't the boys sleep over". At first I casually blew it off but then after being asked many times, I finally explained to her that we don't do sleepovers. She has been respectful of my feelings about this since the first time I told her, which has made me respect her more. I think your 8 year old son is at an age where he should be able to pick his own friends. He is not 2, 3 or 4 any more. I realize this friend my be important to your preschooler, but at that age he has the chance to make many more friends. I wouldn't want this kind of behavior this boy is showing around my boys. I think your gut is telling you something here and you should listen to it. This lady is not hearing you and you are trying to be nice. I think it may be time to part ways, or get a babysitter and have your preschooler meet hers at a park. If this boy is acting like this at 9 what is he going to be like at 12 if the parents do not take control!

Good Luck

R.

Go with your gut and protect your kids. You can keep making excuses or you can just kindly tell her the truth. You don't have to judge her just tell her your parenting styles are different and you aren't comfortable with the language and pictures. Either way is okay in my book. Confrontation is great sometimes and just bound to be awful others. You know your friend best.

Not a chance my kid would be going there for a sleepover. I'd just put my foot down, and tell her unequivocally that your son is not permitted to sleep at her house. Period.

No way, Mama. Trust your gut. Do not expose your children to some strange, possibly life-altering night with this child. Sorry. Supervised day visits or nothing. Be strong!

my daughter has never been to a sleepover, but have had many children over here, i have a different reason, i dont trust men i dont know very well, statistics have ruined my vulnerability, and willingness to let her out of my sight, over night.

I always tell parents that my daughter sleepwalks in strange places (its true too though) and that i dont want her getting hurt or trying to walk home. They never insist.

Give a reasons thats not exactly the full reason and you dont have to let on thats its her son you are worried about. Whatever you do dont tell her you disapprove of her son. Just keep a watchful eye on the boy ifs hes ever at your house and try to instill good values without underminding your friend.

a sufficient "no" should do, but a half truth may soften the blow to her ego.

My son does not do sleepovers and he is 11. He never stays at someones home. He likes his own bed. He also gets asked a lot to stay over other kids houses. I just say he doesnt do sleepovers. Let her keep asking and tell her firmly that you kids do not do sleepovers ever. They like their own bed.Look in the eyes and tell her straight to please stop asking. I never bend on this because when he has tried to sleep over......I have to go get him at 12am !! Don't say this to her because the comeback is always "Well I will drive him home" So I dont say that.
Another thing that keeps my son from staying over other homes is that he plays sports. And usually its an early game.
Its very inappropriate for this young boy to have photos like that in his room!! My son has baseball, hockey, football, soccer players all over his walls!! All the men he wants to be like. I am sure in time he would like to have scantily clad women on his wall but it will never be allowed.

if you are ready to scrafice this friendship then maybe you should. and be honest with her about hy your won't allow your childen cannot spend the night. she may take heed and get her self and child together. if not... another one bites the dust. good luck

If you aren't comfortable having your kids exposed to him then you just need to stand firm. I would however question their parenting philosophy... If they can't/won't discipline him and they allow risqué girl posters at such a young age--do you feel comfortable having your youngest child exposed to their homelife also?

I think it would be difficult to continue the friendship between the younger children and yet keep coming up with reasons your older children are unavailable. It sounds like your friend realizes her son has a problem making friends and is determined to provide friendships for him. Eventually, it would not surprise me if she starts to resent you for blocking her efforts and distancing herself and the kids from your friendship--which is fine, assuming you're comfortable with the outcome. Or, perhaps you need to shift your friendship with the mom so it's based more on interaction without the children (mother's night out events, lunches, etc.).

Well, sticking to your "we don't do sleepovers" you could have her son stay at your house. Not sure if you would want that, but its a suggestion to maybe get her off your back. Good luck.

i think everyone deserves to be told WHY. And not left hanging, wondering what happened. What did they do. There is nothing to fear in telling the truth. So long as you are not coming off rude, or judgmental.

just tell her that you do not want to judge or disrespect her in how she chooses to raise her kids. And hope that she will respect your choices in regards to your own kids. Tell her, "your son has semi-nude pics on his walls and makes sexual remarks/actions (be very objective in your words)." Just want you to know that WE choose not to have our boys do any of that."

Don't say, "your son has 'inappropriate' pics on his walls" because that's where it comes off judgmental. Since, maybe it's inappropriate to you, but not to her. <rolling eyes> hahahah. So let her know that you don't want to get involve, nor discuss this subject any further.. because it's not really your business. But you ONLY mentioned it this one time..so that she will understand why you do not agree to a sleepover. And to give her the respect that she deserves..the respect of knowing why and not just be blown off.
And hey, if she's mad at you and stops talking to you. Well, that solves your problem.
Hope this helps.

I would certainly not let my son sleepover at this friend's house! I don't even want to let him sleepover at other "good" kids' homes because I've heard of situations kids have gotten in (ie, a good church-going teen having a relationship with the buddy he always slept over all the time with. Mom was clueless because he still asked girls out occasionally. But 'everybody' at school knew. YIKES)

Anyway, you have clear examples, use them to explain why you don't do any sleepovers and especially why not at their home. If it offends, it may be a wake up call that their limits needs adjusting.

Stick to your guns, who you expose your children to will impact their life. Remember nothing or no one is more important than your children. So even if it cost you a friend maintain a healthy distance. And looked down the road for your preschooler, this older son wasn't born bad their bad parenting made him that way, and they probably parent their other child the same way so who knows how he will turn out down the road.

I say go with your gut feeling, i never did like the idea of sleep overs, my son and daughter spent the time 3 doors down, with my friends kids, and i found out that she left them in the middle of the night to go meet some guy, i was ticked, and i never let them spend the night there again. J.

It's your life, if you don't want to deal with it, then stop answering her calls. She'll get the point. To much drama..........and not worth it.
Since you won't see her at school, then there is a less of a chance bumping into her. Your pre-schooler will get over not seeing her little one too.
Sounds like their parenting skills aren't the greatest and you don't want that to rub off on your kids.
One of my best friends has a 3 year old who is very good friends with my 3 year old. Her daughter is disrespectful to the mom and has major attitide. She doesn't disapline very well and it drives me NUTS!!!! I always want to say something to the little girl when she is being bossy or not sharing with my little one, but I try to save it for the mom to do. She will tell her to share and to stop doing what she is doing thats bad, but it is never to the extent that she should. I feel bad for my little girl and ALWAYS talk to her about the things that her friend did or said to her. I think that helps my daughter understand that some of the things she does is not right.
There is also not a lot of "Please and Thank You's" going on in that household either. She knows that when she comes over my house, she must use her manners with me. If she ask's me for something, I always ask her "How do you ask?" or right before I hand her something I say "what do you say?".
My point is, is that I would love to spend time with the mom with out the kids, but it never happens, so I just deal with the little girl. Since you don't care to much about the mom, then I would cut the friendship and avoid her....

Good luck!

I have a 9 year old son, and he has no lady pics on his wall. The kid is 9! Where is he getting these pics? My son reads Nintendo magazine. My 9 yr old also has no friends, he is hard of hearing, and the whole hearing thing makes things hard. BUT, at this point you are either going to have to dump her as a friend, or tell her the truth. Trust your gut, and don't do a sleep over.

I know you've heard it already...but stick with your gut...follow your feelings!

Just smile politely and say, "no but thank you, my boys are not able to sleep over. We are firm on that. I know how hard it is to disappoint your child, so if Timmy has his heart set on having a sleepover, you'll need to encourage him to invite someone else" Good luck, I wouldn't want to send my children overnight to their home either.

This is not the childthat you want your children to be with if his mother dose not know how to raise he son you do not want your boy to be with him if you can not be friends with out this so be it good luck A. no hills

Ughh, what an awkward situation. I am not a confrontational person, so this would be hard for me, but I think she deserves some honesty. I don't know how the parents can think his behavior -- and the semi-nude female pics up in his room, my gosh! -- are appropriate, but I guess it's possible that they don't. Gently explain that you don't want your child around that and be firm. The friendship will probably end, but at least you won't feel weird avoiding her and she will know the truth instead of always wondering. Good luck, that's a hard one.