Friend Problems

This is a good opportunity to "problem solve" with your child, lovingly handing the problem back to them to solve. It will allow them to decide what works best for them, try it out, and see the results which builds GREAT self confidence. Here's how the formula works base on the "Love & Logic" parenting program.

1. Oh sweetie, this is so sad that the girls hid from you at recess.
2. What are you going to do about this?
(they'll respond, I don't know)
3. Do you want to hear what some other kids have tried?
Some kids have tried....... How do you think that willl work for you?
Well some kids have tried .....How do you think that willl work for you?

Come up with 3 or 4 ideas, make the first one really silly because kids usually reject the first idea.

4. Well good luck with what you decide. I hope it works out for you!!

You will be amazed at your kids ability to come up with some great ideas to try. If they choose not to do anything, that's okay too. Have fun experimenting with this.

I'd recommend "Four steps to Responsiblity" audio CD from the library or www.loveandlogic.com. YOu can also take a Love & Logic parenting class. My next one starts April 11th. See www.shellymoorman.com for more info.

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That's a tough one. It's hard when your friends outgrow you, whether you are 8 years old or 28 years old. We all want to be liked. So first, validate your daughter's feelings. Let her know you understand how much it hurts. But then teach her a truth that will help her her whole life through: Not everyone will want to be friends with everyone else. Even as adults, we choose the friends we like and feel like we have things in common with. Of course, as adults we're better at being civil to the people we aren't good friends with, but we still tend to form groups and cliques. Help your daughter know that she didn't do anything wrong and that there is nothing wrong with her. It's just that her 5th grade friend is getting older and wanting friends her own age. Encourage your daughter to find friends her own age--organize a little "tea party" and ask her to invite 2 or 3 girls from her own grade/class that she thinks she would like to get to know. Get to know those girls' moms so invitations will be reciprocated. Remind her that it will take time to make new friends. And most of all, let her know that--child or adult--if someone doens't like us, who wants to be friends with them anyway? Find people who appreciate you and enjoy you for who you are. That will always make you feel better about yourself than trying to force yourself into frienships or cliques that don't appreciate you. Good luck!

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I am in sort of the same situation. My daughter is a first grader who is extremely smart, so she doesnt see a difference between herself and older kids, but she is not as mature, so it makes it hard on her. I encourage her to play with kids her own age for a couple of reasons. First, it is hard on the older kid with their peers to constantly have someone younger follow then around. This can cause a back lash with the older kids friends, and cause then to tease the younger kid. If the older kid feels weird at all about the relationship, she will allow her friends to be mean to the younger kid. Second, older kids see and talk about things I dont want my kid exposed to. Some fifth and sixth grade girls have already gotten their menstral cycle, and some of them talk about sex on the play ground. These are things that I feel are inappropriate for my younger child. My daughter has a fifth grade friend that shares the same first name (it is an unusual name) so my daughter feels atached to her, and want to walk part of the way home with her every day. I know this is a problem for the older girl because I could hear her friends asking her why she would allow my daughter to walk with her, and now she runs away when school gets out. It is perfectly ok for the older girl to not want to hang out with my daughter; she is older and they are not on the same peer level. If you really want to encourage your daughter and her friend to continue the friendship, I would do it at home, which is neutral ground. I would let the girl know that her friendship is important to your daughter, and see if it is ok to play once school is out. But keep in mind that if you try and force the friendship, it will only drive the older girl further away and can cause more problems for your daughter at school.

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I was always picked on as a kid, so naturally I want to protect my kids from every thing that comes their way too. But I realized that I'm projecting my fears onto them, which may not be the same experience for them.

The best thing to do is teach your children to rely on their self; love and have unshakable faith inside themselves no matter what. Teach them that children will be children, but we don't make their mis behaviors "mean" anything about us. The fifth grader's actions toward your daughter was a representation of her own insecurities, childhood issues, but it's not about your daughter. Teach your daughter that life is always going to come at you with something - bullies, illness, being left out - it's the way of the world. But how we react to is is everything. We can make it mean something about us and turn it into a story. Or we can always come from a state of being that is content and loving in which we don't allow the outside world to shake us from this peaceful state.
Best wishes,
S.

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Try your hardest only to offer advise and support without actually doling out hard core stuff. She is at an age she needs to figure stuff out with peers herself. I know my daughter can come home in tears, she is in first grade. I very matter of fact try and give her there is another side and be around people that make her feel happy inside. I think if she goes and makes it a bigger deal then it is then she will be a target for it made into a big deal. I try and find out what happened if my daughter had a disagreement and play advocate for both sides, I also don't want her to be around girls that are mean or hateful but I want her to realize there are usually two sides. I just keep telling her there are a lot of girls in her grade that would love to play with her I am sure and if someone is unkind then maybe they are having a bad day and find someone else to play with. If the mean spirited continues then encourage her to find someone else to play with and leave it at that. It has to be her choice and she needs to feel empowered to making good choices with friends. Seems it has to be trial and error for them. A fifth grader may feel like she has to hang with her at first due to being neighbors but there is a big gap in ages and peer level there, your daughter would be better off playing with her grade level.

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As a teacher I see this frequently. What is challenging is that children do have a right to say that they don't feel like playing someone, but perhaps you can talk to the 5th grader about kinder ways to do it (such as instead of hiding saying, "I'd like to play by myself today" or "I'd like to play with you tomorrow"). It is a hard lesson to learn, but talk to your daughter about how sometimes people like to spend time with other friends or by themselves and it doesn't mean that they don't like you. If your daughter can learn to reply with an, "Okay, maybe we can play tomorrow" and can find another friend to play with, chances are the 5th grader will feel like she has the space she needs and will want to play with her again, and it will teach your daughter a valuable life skill as she is going to encounter this again. Plus at some point she will be in the position where she would rather not play with somebody and will hopefully will be able to handle it in a caring way.

Best wishes,
J. (mom to Zach, 2 years, and Talia, 3 and 1/2 months)

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HI K.,
I have an overly sensitive 2nd grader who takes everything personally. He came home from school sad because he felt he didn't have ANY friends. We talked about it and I asked him very direct questions like well what happened, why, ect... Then we started to make goals for him daily. IE play with someone different today, talk to someone you wouldn't normally talk to. For us this is seeming to work.
Good Luck

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I would talk to the 5th grade girl. Ask her point blank why she did it. As an older girl she is a bit of a mentor. Maybe she could speak her mind instead of hiding and tell your daughter that even though they are friends its important to have friends in your own grade. Explain that with all friends it is important that we pursue our own lives, our own interests and our own friends. This is an opportunity to explore new options and even though they have had fun together and are friends both of you have had enough of each other for a little while and need to find new interests and entertainment before they reconnect. We do this as adults as well we just do this better. Teach you daughter and her friend that sometimes friends take a break for a little while and its not personal. Its an opportunity not a loss.

Hope that helps.

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the age difference is was makes it hard. The fifth grader may be getting peer pressure and laughed at by her friends. it might be causing her problems as much as your daughter. Unfortunately, these things are always going to happen because of our public schools aren't great on social skills and how to combine clicks of friends of different ages and races. Its just how the school buddy system goes. Neglect it and make a meet of friends in her class at a park and get to know some of the moms or attend a field trip and pass your phone number out to some of the moms and get some friends within the classroom. that way she has friends that will be with her throughout all her school years and not someone that graduates 3 years before her.

i had the same problem except my son is in third grade and was getting made fun of by six graders. i had him show me who they were and went up to them along with my son. i said you girls are so beautiful on the outside. i commented on their stylish clothing and adorable hair then i said, "don't you want everyone to think you are just as beautful on the inside?" "Plus all of these kids look up to you and think highly of you all so don't let them down." I just kept giving them compliments and it hasn't happened again. i know your first response is to be mean back but that just starts a nasty cycle. Kids that feel good about themselves are nicer and do better in school.

Why would you want a 5th grader to play with a 2nd grader? They are both on such different levels of maturity. How about she is much older than you... just play with the children in your class at recess.

You are correct, this will happen. Kids don't have all the social norms we do as adults...good or bad, truth or just being polite, it is the way a 'civilized' society works.

The first thing that stood out is that the girl is 3 grade levels older. Well, that is understandable that she wants to play with kids closer to her own age, ecspecially at school where the social norms are developing.

I would go directly to the 5th graded and say something like, "My daughter and I think so highly of you. You are like a big sister to her. She looks up to you and really loves to hang out with you. I want to thank you for always including her and being such a great role model to her".

She will rise to the occassion and not want to dissapoint you...or your daughter.

I would explain to your daughter that her friend is in 5th grade and she is only in the 2nd grade and even though they are friends when they are at school maybe they should both play with kids in their own grades so that she can make some new friends. Explain to your daughter how lucky she is that every morning she gets to ride to school with this girl and that is their special time to hang out. I would encourage your daughter to make some new friends her age, the 5th grader will be moving school eventually to go on to junior high. Your daughters feelings might have been hurt, but just put her focus in a new direction with new kids and I am sure she will get over it quickly.

It seem normal that a 5th grader would not want to play with a second grader at school. I am sure the 5th grader is getting a lot of pressure from her peers. Try to encourage your daugter to use this as an opportunity to make some new friends from her class.

Hi K.,

Understandable that your daughter would be sad. It maybe that
the age difference is now showing up. It could be that the 5th grader is getting teased by her age group for playing with little kids. Kids can be cruel and truly not know it. Explain to your daughter that as the older girl is growing and going into another phase of life, things are changing in her(the 5th grader)end. You might talk to the 5th grader by yourself and ask her if this is the case. Let her know how she has hurt your daughter by her actions unknowingly.
May I suggest that you invite some friends from your daughter's class over. Explain to your daughter that things look total different as you grow older. As parents, we want to protect our children from all hurt but life gives us so many challenges, we need to harden a little bit just so we can be more giving. I applaud you for teaching your child to speak up. Good Luck! V

I have worked with children alot and I am the mother of 4. First of all, I would encourge the nurturing of a new friend who is the same age as your 2nd grader. There is a huge difference in kid's interest and maturity between grades 2 and 5. Once your daughter has her own 2nd grade friends, chances are she will have little interest in being around the 5th grader, other than to say hello and go on. Obviously, the 5th graders isn't all the mature or she wouldn't be so mean to a younger child. I would guess that she might have some insecurities of her own and that's why she is taking it out on your daughter. I would keep the two girls apart as much as possible, or under supervised play time together if she does come to your home. The best thing to do is work with your daughter on having friends her own age and inviting them over to play. Kids have a way of working things out with a little "back burner" supervision and help from mom! N. H>

Since you know this 5th Grader, ask her why she no longer what's to play with your daughter. Perhaps she herself is being teased for playing with a much younger child.
Perhaps she is getting to the age where what she wants to play is different from your daughter.
You won't know what is really happening unless you ask.

I would just ask the little girl what has been going on or ask the mom to talk with her. Girls always do these kinds of things and then get over it but there could be something going on with the little girl.

K.,
I would suggest my 2nd grade daughter to be compassionate to the elder neighbor-girl and tell her: "I understand, you need some space, but please know that whenever you will need a true friend, I am always here for you".
See, K., we do not know the whole situation, and to BLAME the elder girl is useless anyway. There are so many different situations in children's lives, and so many different times of growth, that require very gentle loving caring approach.
If your daughter will approach the situation wisely like this, they might be great friends later on again.
I'd take care of my side of the fence, first, making sure that my girl is not frustrated, angry (this is not good!), or sour.
After all, who said that life is fair? Your daughter needs to learn how to deal with hard situations also, and do it with wisdom, grace, and love towards others. Here is a perfect lesson for her to practice.
Then, the second thing i would do, is to talk to the mother of the neighboring girl, to inform her about the situation, and to suggest her to talk to her daughter, to help her to find out what is going on, and is there any help needed...
But, in NO WAY there need not be any condemnation, frustration, or even sadness. Both girls are preparing for a big life, and this is a working situation where moms are the best friends and also guides.
All the best to your daughter, to her neighbor-girl, and you noth, dear neighbor-moms!!!

You might want to talk to the girls mother. Obviously there is an age difference, but the older girl could be nicer about not wanting to play with your child. Here is a good site I found for my daughter. She is in the second grade and there are a few very nasty girls in her class. This site, as well as some books on bullying gekped her. I also enrolled her in a kidpower workshop, great advice and techniques for kids.

http://www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org/

Good luck

I know how much it hurts to see your own child be hurt and turned down like this. I have spent some time thinking about this, as I have a son with asberger syndrome. He is turned down and disappointed all the time. I cannot force kids to play with him. All I can do is be there for him. I try not to act as though it is nothing, because to him it is terribly sad every time it happens. But in fact I think that theese "little" obstacles, with some understanding from us, will be good for them. Help them understand that life will hand you disappointments every now and then. In the end, the most important thing we teach our children is to handle things that come our way, in a good and proactive way. We cannot fix everything for them. ... Just a few thoughts on your very heartbreaking issue... :)

K. In my experience a lot of kids get tired of each other and just want space and if you allow your child to have some one new to play with for a time then they will come back together and be happy. All so there may be a age gap that is the trouble. The older kids may not like the little ones tagging along. It maybe she needs to find some one closer to her age group to
play with. Just r ember you cant fix all of there problems and just be cause you are good at taking them to school this is not a guarantee that they should play with each other.

I hope this helps C. J.

Some of the problem may be the age difference. Fifth graders are early adolescents and looking cool, etc., is important to them. Also, they have less in common with the younger kids than they did a year ago. I would probably explain to your daughter that friend needs to spend time with kids her own age. I would help her find words to explain to friend that her feelings were hurt by the way in which friend expressed that need. And I would help her find ways to increase her social group among kids her own age.

I teach 6th grade. This really is very common. We teach kids the 3 R's to bullying: Recognize, refuse, report. ANything that makes a child feel uncomfortable is bullying. She is being bullied. She recognizes it, she needs to report it to her teacher (if she hasn't). The REfuse part is more difficult for the victim. She needs to confront the person, let her know she doesn't lke what's is being done, and refuse to let it happen. Often times this works - not always the 1st few times. Since she is so much younger, she may need an adult to help her. Good luck.

Let me get ths straight, the "friend" that is being mean to your 2nd grade daughter is 3 years ahead of her in school?
What your daughter needs is 2nd grade friends. Hanging out as the "Littlest" with older kids, particularly as they approach the teen years is dangerous for them and sets a precedent you may not want to live with over the long term. We had the two year rule with our children as they were growing up. Anyone two calendar years older or younger were neighbors, parish members etc. Friends had to be within 2 years of your age. The 5th grader isn't handling this situation with diplomacy or skill, but your daughter needs to understand that friends are peers, and an age gap that wide among children isn't in her best interest. Find out from her teacher who the other girls in her class are and invite them to do things with your daughter. Encourage her to build relationships with children her own age and let the older girl move on.

Hi K.,
This is an unfortunate dynamic of human nature. If I feel bad about myself, I would be much more likely to try to make someone else feel bad about themselves. Probably the 5th grader was made fun of by an older student, or maybe she is subconsciously gealous of you and your daughter's relationship, could be many things.
Because of things like this, I chose home-school for my 3 kids.
Tell your daughter not to take it personally, she has done nothing wrong. Her friend is feeling bad about herself and is inappropriately taking it out on her, so she can feel better about herself. Yes, this is crazy, but people do crazy things sometimes.
Good Luck, M.

It could just be that a 5th grader might being feeling the social pressure against playing with a younger 2nd grader. And the hiding from her could be her way of sugjesting to your daughter that perhaps she should play with kids in her own age group. I wouldn't take it personally against your daughter your neighbor probably likes her, but at school she could be hitting that age were it's not cool to play with younger kids. I would still allow your daughter to play with her and associate with her, just let her know that at school she might want to play with other "school friends" aka kids in the 5th grade.

Have Daughter tell Friend "I had a good time playing with you, and when you're ready to play with me again, just let me know. I'll be ready." And then tell her why it's important to be willing to play with the friend when the friend does say she's ready.

It could be that the older girl is getting teased by her classmates about playing with a second grader and she doesn't know how to handle the pressure. My advice to you is to let them work it out by themselves, and advise your daughter to just be nice to her but find another friend to play with for now.

For goodness sake don't tell your daughter "to never play with her again and ignore her." These days, children don't know how to problem solve or interact with people. Partial blame is to parents. Don't inflict your childhood experiences on your child. Children (and adults) need to be taught how to deal with these issues diplomatically. Have your daughter express to the neighbor girl that this behavior hurts her feelings. Teach your daughter how to make new friends. Support your daughter in developing self confidence. Get her involved in social activities. But don't build this elementary school issue into such a big deal. If you make it a big deal, then it will be a big deal for your daughter. Respect her feelings, but redirect her to other positive things going on in her life.

Perhaps the 5th grader has had enough of playing with a 2nd grader. Let it go. Kids need to work out their own stuff. She's not being bullied. Hurt feelings are a part of life. How you teach them to deal with them is where your job is.

And that three R's of bullying bologna below my response is crap. I will tell you why. Everyone has feelings and we should do our best to respect them - but for crying out loud - if someone makes you feel bad - you should report it? There would be a line of kids down the hall, out the school door and down the street with complaints. Teach your child to learn how to deal with her own emotions. the sooner that kids and adults learn that all you can control is yourself - the better off you are as a person. What you do with what someone dishes out to you is your job. You can't make someone "act" nice. If they haven't learned how to be nice at home - certainly a call home won't make it better.

That's a toughy for your daughter and for you because you don't want to see your own daughter's feelings hurt.
There is a big difference between a second grader and a fifth grader. Fifth graders are starting to mature into young teens and their interests change dramatically. They are starting to grow up. Second graders are still small children and would do better playing with children thier own age. You really don't want your second grader getting interested in more mature things before she is ready, do you?
My suggestion would be to have a private talk with the fifth grader, tell her you understand that she is growing up and that her interests are changing. Thank her for the time she has spent with your daughter in the past. Explain to her that your daughter is having a hard time with the transition and doesn't really understand. Ask her to help you find her little friend some age appropriate friends and activities when she is out at recess and also to let her know that she is still valued. Also explain to your own daughter what is happening and ask her to help come up with a solution. Help your daughter understand that it's nothing personal, it's just part of growing up.
You might ask the fifth grader to come over once in awhile to read to your daughter or play a game with her.