Friend Miscarried

A.,
I wish they taught moer about this stuff in school. We had a miscarriage three years ago. Think for us, the most helpful thing our friends did was to acknowledge the loss. We appreciated the cards with a personal note. A donation to a NICU unit or Crisis Pregnancy might be appropriate. What touched me most when my best friend called on the day Jaeden would have been due and we shared our dreams for what might have been. The best thing to do is to ask your friend how she needs help and to be there for her to vent to etc... Of course everyone grieves differently and I only know what helped us. It is wonderful that you recognize what a loss this is for them. So many people don't. Unfortunately, it is a situation that makes many people uncomfortable so they do nothing or say the 'wrong' things. She is lucky to have a friend who cares. Best Wishes, J.

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I have had 5 miscarriages. I would suggest a Thinking of You card with a note that let's her know that although you are not first-hand with her loss, that you can be a good friend just by being available to talk whenever she is ready. The rest will be up to her, watch for signs of depression and talk to her family if necessary.

You are a good friend.

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When I had a miscarriage about 12 years ago, my dad sent me flowers. It was the best thing anyone could have done. I cherished those flowers.

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I agree, send her a card or maybe a basket with trinkets in it like bath oils/beads so she can pamper herself, flowers, just something to let her know she has your support. Try to avoid saying things like things happen for a reason, i understand how hard this is for you, I know how you feel, things to that effect. A simple I'm sorry and a shoulder to cry on means a lot.

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A loss of a child is painful no matter what stage of pregnancy. I lost twins at 22+5 weeks. It has been almost 4 years and it still hurts. Yes, let her know you are there. Though you may not understand her feelings, and please, if you have not expierence a loss, don't say you know how she feels.

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You are sweet to be so thoughtful, I am sure your friend will appreciate that. The only advise I have is to avoid any cliches and if you don't have any words to offer, just say so and give her a big hug (virtual or not).

If you want to get her a gift, flower are nice or a gift such as something from Earth Mama, Angel Baby (they have some miscarriage gifts: http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/healing_hearts.html ) or a copy of a book about child loss such as I'll Hold You in Heaven.

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Hi A.,
I have never had a miscarriage either, but my sister just had one. And I would say if she was already really into the baby, then send her something. a card, email, anything just to let her know that you recognize that she lost a baby. My sister just needed us to recognize that and not that it wasn't a baby since she was only 8 weeks along. Also, try to remember her due date and when that time comes remember to send her a card or something. That will be a hard time too.

K.

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I miscarried and I know I just wanted to be left alone. . .but at the same time, deep down, a card from someone saying they were there for me probably would have been a nice. I think if you want to send her something tellint her you are there for her would be good. Just don't tell her you are sorry. I remember that I HATED hearing the words "I'm Sorry". Saying you are thre for her if she needs you is enough, even though she probably won't call you or even want to talk about it. You are a good friend for being so concerned. Her pain will lessen with time, that is all she needs.

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I had a miscarriage this year. I thought it was nice to hear "I'm here for you" or to receive a card or a small vase of flowers. I didn't like being told "everything happens for a reason." I understand why people say that, and I do believe it to a certain extent, but it was absolutely the last thing I wanted to hear at the time. It sounds like you are a very kind friend, which is what she probably needs most right now.

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I can't tell you exactly what you need to do, because everyone is different. When I had a miscarriage all I wanted was for someone to sit around with me and just agree that it really sucked. If she's nearby, go visit her with lunch to just watch TV. If she wants to talk, talk. If she doesn't, just be there. It can feel really lonely after a miscarriage.

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I had a miscarriage when I was 19. I had the miscarriage 6 days after I found out I was pregnant. Even after having 2 kids it effects me. I just wanted to be listened to if needed. I really wouldn't bring it up unless to ask if she's ok. Just let her know your there for her and send her a card and flowers. Take her out. I know this sounds odd but since she was already preparing for the birth, find a way to help her mourn. There was no funeral so she really doesn't have a place to go when needed. Help her make that special spot to help her mourn. Somewhere where she can put flowers for the baby. This may sound a lil extreme but no matter how far along she was it was a baby that she lost. A part of her. She felt it inside her and she's the only one that has to come to terms with that. Yes other people will mourn but nothing like her. Help her understand it wasn't her fault that she lost the baby. Losing a child is hard but it's a different hard when you loose one you never got to hold. Well I hope this helps. If she is taking it extremely hard she may benifit from counseling or a group of women with similar experiences.

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Hi A.:

I have miscarried. I never would have thought I would have. It does not run in my family. I had NO problem getting pregnant with my 1st child (6 1/2 now). Then we could not get pregnant for a long time. I was depressed and then along came baby number 2. I was right about 14 weeks and miscarried. That is pretty far along to miscarry, but apparently something was wrong otherwise God would not have taken the baby. It was EXTREMELY hard. I couldn't stop crying for a couple of months. I know what your friend is going through. It was the toughest thing that I have even went through. Your friend will probably not tell you if she needs something. You need to just do things for her. Call her and tell her you are bringing dinner over some night (not for you to stay - just drop off). That would really help her out. If she has other children, ask if you can take them for a play time some afternoon to give her a little alone time. I don't think people understand sometimes how to help, but little things can - send her a Regular mail card or little things, but the dinner is a great idea because she probably isn't in the mood to cook, clean, etc... You could just go over to let her vent. Give it sometime though if she doesn't say much. She will come out of it, it just may take some time! I hope this helps!

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Letting your friend know that you are there for her is good, however when a woman loses a child through a miscarriage, they sometimes do not see that people are there for them just by saying it. It is the little things that you can do for your friend. Be there to listen and cry with her, send her a card or e-mail, flowers even show that you care and are worried. As they say, actions speak louder than words! I had two miscarriages in between my two children with the first one being devestasting and the one thing I know that I personally resented from friends and family was the following statement. "Don't worry there will be other babies to replace this one." This is the worst thing someone could say to a woman who has just lost a child. One child does not replace another, so how anyone could think that is beyond me. In additon, check with area agencies and see if they have some sort of Bereavement Program for parents who have lost a child, through miscarriage, stillborn, etc... I joined a program like that in my community and it really helped. Also, the best thing your friend can do is journal her thoughts on paper about how she is feeling. However, if she is keeping the feelings all bottled up inside, then she may need to seek professional help.

I hope this helps.
M.

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When I had my miscarriage, I too was very upset especially since the baby was very well planned for and I was also making plans. The one thing that meant the most to me was a card (sympathy), a small vase of flowers, and an angel. It still means so much to me and I seem to find it on the hardest days, just to remind me how special the baby was to all of us. I hope this helps. I am very sorry for you friend. It is very sad that others have to go through this. I will be praying for her.

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Having been thru a miscarriage myself, I think it would be a wonderful gesture of kindness to SEND a card, with your own handwriting in it. The card should be a condolence/sympathy/encouragement card. This is just much more personal than email. Flowers would also be appropriate. Everyone grieves in their own way, but I think showing that you care about their loss is a great sense of support. Please keep in mind NOT to say things like "It was meant to be" or "something must have been wrong with it" or "You'll have another one". Though they may be true, these things are just not comforting to one who is grieving a loss.

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Just be honest. Say you are sorry she's going through this but you don't know what to do or say. Give her flowers and let her know you're there if she needs to talk. She'll appreciate the honesty. Don't try to avoid her or the subject... she'll want you to acknowledge it, but let her decide how much (if at all) she wants to talk about it.

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Just be there for her. Take her lunch, movies and just let her know it will get better. I had a misarriage the first time I got pregnant and was really planning for the baby as well. It gets easier but that is hard for her to see right now.

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I had two miscarriages and my friends sent cards. It meant a lot to me just to know they were thinking about me. Flowers would be a nice gesture, but it may bring thoughts about the miscarriage everytime she looks at them. Just letting her know that you care is a great gift, no matter how you choose to do it.

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Two years ago my son died during delivery. What I wanted most was for people to let me talk when I felt like it, acknowledge that this was my child and we had plans for him, and to never, ever, EVER say "things happen for a reason", "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", "this was the body's way of saying something was wrong with the baby", "you can have another baby". It is important to remember that this baby was her child and always will be. She'll never "get over" the miscarriage, just as you never "get over" the death of any loved one. It just becomes part of who you are and part of your history. I think it is very important to acknowledge the loss of her dreams and plans that occurred when her baby died. I think a card would be a great way to do that because she may be in a haze right now and she can re-read it down the road. More than anything, just remember she'll deal with this in her own way in her own time. You are a great friend to be so concerned about her and be looking for how to help her. She's lucky to have you.

K.

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first off, I just want to say to all that replied how much good it made me feel to hear yall sharing! after being through 8 miscarriages myself I really appreciate ppl just saying "I'm here". in my case, I very rarely would ask for ppl but the times when friends would come by for a minute to give a hug or call me on the phone just to say hi meant the most. just knowing I wasn't alone no matter how much it might feel like it at times.

I had an identical experience exactly 1 year ago and had a very hard time with it, however, people kept telling me that everything would be ok which, of course, at the time was hard to believe. I think I got through it mainly because it was so early in the pregnancy (6 weeks) and I had not exactly had a chance to bond yet. This was also not my first pregnancy, I already had a now 4 year old daughter and that helped me get through it. I also talked to some friends who explained their experiences with miscarriages and how many people they knew who were able to conceive no problem in the future. I realized that I was not the only one to face this sadness. My sister also went through having a stillborn at 39 weeks along and I realized that my sadness could not be nearly close to what she went through. Well...I am now 18 weeks pregnant with TWINS and happy as can be. The miscarriage and the fact that it is twins put me into a high risk category, so now they are watching me like a hawk. So, please tell your friend that while it is hard right now, someday she will realize that everything happens for a reason and I know she will get pregnant and have a happy, healthy baby someday. Just knowing I had the support of family and friends helped me tremendously. Hope this helps you to know what to do!

Best wishes!
A. B

I've had a miscarriage myself. So speaking from experience, she probally just wants to know you're there. That's what's important. It dosen't matter how you show it, just as long as you show it. Just giving her a call on a regular basis, and just talking about anything, and then maybe you can slid in asking how she's doing, and she may want to talk.

I recently had a miscarriage. It is very devastating. You have to realize this is very much a death. I also lost a 9 day old child in June. So I went from depressed to severly depressed in six months time. I have a four year old son so I didn't want to take any kind of pills and take the chance of getting addicted so I fought my battle. I have a wonderful husband and family but they just didn't understand. Finally after a long doctors visit a nurse sat down to talk. She was taking her break and we talked for well over an hour about the miscarriage. She helped me to understand more about myself and the miscarriage than anyone could. She then called my husband and talked to him for another hour or so. Since her talk I feel better and my husband now understands this is death. The worst thing anyone ever said to me was I could have more children. That's not the point. Every child is special and when you take the time to plan and get excited about the "new baby" it's a hard blow to swallow. So just being there for her and understanding this woman just had a child die helps alot. Don't take it offensive if she does not call. She probably needs you to reach out to her. Or atleast I did.