Friend Is Having Breastfeeding Issues and I'm Too Far Away to Help

Hi T.,

I would suggest having her either call an lactation consultant, or a volunteer peer counselor in her area. She can also call me (I'm a certified breastfeeding peer counselor, also volunteer) - email me for my #.

I don't know where she lives but she can google "breastfeeding counseling" and hopefully come up with a contact in her area. Also, I think www.kellymom.com might have a directory. I know that www.breastfeeding.com has a listing of LC's.

I know its hard when you are trying to support a friend through breastfeeding issues!

Meg

She should use a lactation consultant. They can be found at the local hospital or if she is near a large city, there are also lactation consultants with private practices. These people kno all the tricks. With my second, I did not wear a bra after delivery, and my milk came in so that my breasts were the size of torpedos. The skin was stretched so tight it was shiny. Pain medicine works, it's all temporary, but it just feel like forever.

The two week mark is such a hard time after the baby is born - mom is exhausted, lots of hormone changes - it is the hardest time for breastfeeding. If your friend is firm in her decision, then be supportive - that's all you can do, it is her decision.

However, if you think that she's making the decision out of desperation and exhaustion, and that she does not feel good about the decision, then you could do some more concrete things. Finding the energy to search the phonebook or internet for LLL or a lactation consultant may be too much for her right now. My advice is to be as proactive as possible (making sure it's ok with her). Find a LL leader in her area for her, give the name and phone number to your friend (or even ask your friend if the LLL leader can call her - then you could call the LLL leader and hook them up). Or find and talk to a lacation consultant near her, then put her in touch with your friend or even make an appointment for the friend. I know you are not close by, but you can look online and find resources for her and make the process of getting help as easy as possible.

Then, just be very supportive no matter what her decision.

Hi T.,

I am so sorry that your friend is having such difficulties. I wrote a breastfeeding article for new moms which gives tips that she may like to read: http://www.mothersboutique.com/brtifornewmo.html. I had a lot of difficulties with my son in the beginning, but in the end it was all worth it to continue breastfeeding. If she really has given up and doesn't want to try anymore, then the best thing you can do is to support her decision.

Good luck
J.

A Mother's Boutique
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Hey, Tat!
I feel her pain & I'm sure just about every first-time, new mom can too!
I would really encourage her to contact her local LLL leader for help and she can also get something called a Breast or Nipple Shell (NOT a shield!). This is something that is worn (especially if she has flat nipples at all) for a good chunk of the day, in between feedings, to help w/ soreness & to prevent the nipple from retracting all the way in.

She really needs the latch checked, I think. There is SO much that she can do! Especially at this age!

I'd also refer her to www.KellyMom.com for more info. It's a priceless website!

Also, feel free to give her my email & just keep encouraging her. Almost every mom goes through this when they first start out. They think it's going to be like in the movies, where the baby just latches on perfectly & they never have a problem. Unfortunately, in our culture, where breastfeeding is rarely seen, this is almost never the case! She is NOT alone & she CAN succeed at this.

Please tell her congrats on the baby & that she has lots of help & support available to her. The sooner that she gets professional help, the sooner she can nurse comfortably!

Talk soon!
A.

I read in a catalog a quote from the model, "breastfeeding is a decision, once you decide to do it you have just do it."

I had a horrible time getting my daughter started (3 weeks of hour long feedings- offering the breast finally giving the bottle, getting her back to sleep and then pumping for the next feeding) and when I read that quote it just re-solidified my decision to breastfeed. My daughter gracefully weaned at 12 1/2 months (my goal was a year)!

Cracked, bleeding, sore, engorged, it can all happen but if your friend is determined to nurse do nothing but encourage her. Try cabbage leaves on the breasts to help with discomfort, sounds strange but it works (cool temperature, of course). If she decides to stop, it ultimately is her decision and you should praise her for the effort she gave. You know being a mom what those first several weeks or even months are like. She needs to know she's not failing and that she has a support system that will do just that no matter what she decides.

Ouch, I remember her pain! I remember crying out with it!!! But, I was latching on wrong, in addition to it just being NEW!! I used the Lacation Consultant from the hospital who was great! I stuck through it and breastfead my 3 babies for a year each.

How about telling her what SAVED me...warm cloths to loosen the milk in the clogged/swollen ducts, massage of the same and the WONDERFUL MIRACLE Lansinoh Ointment which is pure Lanolin. Really helped the soreness which in hindsite, didn't last all that long.

I wasn't breast fed, neither was my brother, (I am 41, he is 39) and we were allergic to the formula, had childhood asthma, rashes, weight issues, ect) which I attribute dirtectly to the formula feeding. My husband experienced the same as he wasn't breastfed either. The first 6 weeks are critical to get those natural antibodies to the baby.

Breastfeeding is a choice (obviously) but warn her that the Mom's who chose not to, or who for what ever reason couldn't seem to get quite defensive and might add to the stress.

Let her know the sense of pride, contentment and happiness she will feel when she realizies that she and she alone was able to provide this nurturing, bonding and amazing gift of health to her baby!!

I would suggest to the husband to get your friend to her dr to rule out infection etc ( assuming her physician is supportive of breast feeding) and also to any lactations consultants in her area. He could find them most likely through the hospitals. She definately needs help, because it shouldn't be horribly painful. One bad dr or an impatiant nurse will just confirm to your friend that it's not worth the effort. I wish more medical professionals supported women instead of pushing formula on them.
Aside from being showen how to latch the baby on correctly, Two things i didn't see mentioned, Lanolin cream (Lansinoh is one brand) It's natural, safe for the baby and helps to heal cracks and sore nipples. And also, if she was willing, she could probably express some milk by hand just a gental massaging of the breast tissue, or lean over and catch leaks in a clean bottle and feed the baby breastmilk in a bottle for a day or so until she can get some help.
It breaks my heart that she'll miss out on all the wonderful benfits to mom and baby because of ignorance. Ours isn't a society where we are shown how to nurse a baby and some times mom's need a little help to get it down pat. I hpe it works out for her.

Wow, that is sad, isn't it? Has she seen a lactation consultant or been in touch with her local LLL? I've found turning to women who are trained to help other women with BF issues to be a priceless resource! You're not close physically, so maybe you could get online and find resources in her area to give her.

The saddest part is that being sore is so NORMAL for the first couple of weeks, but once that passes, it's oh so easy! I hope she sticks it out for her sake and the baby's!

Okay, no matter what her husband wants, this has to be her decision. He is not the one pulling out his breast every 2 hours or less in order to feed a hungry baby. He is not the one in pain.

However, that pain is not going to go away automatically because she stops. Actually, the best way to help with the blocked duct is to continue feeding and possibly add pumping (which you probably know).

My best advice is to say to your friend something like, "I know you are frustrated and really just want to give up right now. And if that is your final decision, I will support you wholeheartedly. However, before you do, why don't you try contacting this person (insert name of local La Leche League leader). They can help you see if there is something wrong with your babies latch. Also, they can help you work through the blocked ducts. You will need to do that whether you decide to continue or not. If after a couple of weeks with the help of this group, you are still having problems and want to quit, then that is your decision and I will support it wholeheartedly. I hate to see you quit now because of your frustration and lack of sleep. I don't want you to regret quitting down the line. Also, if you tell your husband this is what I am going to do, you will be giving him a compromise and yourself a chance to succeed. This might make quitting later easier on your marriage and less problematic because you will know how to deal with milk engorgement should it happen."

This keeps open the option to quit but also gives her a place to find help. You can find the name of the local La Leche League contact on their website. It may just be that she needs to talk through it with someone who understands. I know with my first I gave up after 6 weeks. I wish I would have known about our local La Leche League. My second was breastfed for about 1 1/2 years (with the help of our local Le Leche League). My third refused to breastfeed after having a supplemental bottle for jaundice (his jaundice was pretty bad). I still tried for over 6 weeks with my third and know that my decision was correct but I still wish he would have breastfed. I, also, know that some women love it and others hate it. If she hates it, then the bottle would probably be a better choice because she would be more relaxed and a relaxed healthy mom is important, too. But I would hate to see her give up over temporary frustrations.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

I'm sorry to hear your friend is having such a difficult time. I went through the exact same thing when my oldest was 2 weeks. The nurses in the hospital didn't show me proper latching, hence excruciating pain for me. When Chase was 2 weeks old I decided I was done with the BF. By 7pm that first day, I was convinced I was the worst mom and decided to give it another try. Before I started up again though, I contacted a local breast feeding hotline and they were able to tell me over the phone what I had been doing wrong and gave me very specific information on how to proceed the correct way. Because I went almost a full day without breastfeeding my supply did get lower of course, but with all the leaking I had, the breast milk healed most of the cracks and sores I had on my nipples due to poor latching. Breastmilk is a natural healer. When I started nursing again later that same night, following the instructions I had received and the time for healing, it was whole new experience. I was amazed at the change. I nursed my first for 9 months and went on to bf my other 3 children as well. Your friend is not alone, but there are ways to get back to it and actually enjoy it. I wish your friend the best of luck and success!!

My suggestion: Encourage your friend to get a lactation consultant TODAY, as in immediately! She shouldn't have so much pain! Then, encourage her to contact a nursing mom's association. They'll most likely give her a "buddy" who will call and help her. My lactation consultants (I needed one with each child, very early on, earlier than your friend!)and my nursing moms group were terrific. I never considered not breastfeeding, but my lack of milk issues at the beginning were very depressing and I could not have done it without the lactation consultants. I nursed my kids well over a year...my son until her weaned 3 weeks or so before his 2nd birthday...and that was after almost 9 weeks of barely any milk! :) Good luck to your friend.

I went through the emotional agony of trying to breastfeed to no avail. I have extremely large breasts and my son never latched on properly. The lactation consultant didn't help; I felt like a failure, and I pumped for 6 weeks until I was so emotionally drained that I finally gave it up and decided to give my son formula. I was in agony both physically and emotionally, crying to my husband all the time, feeling like a bad mom. Formula feeding was the best decision I ever made. It took the pressure off me and my husband could participate in feedings. Our son's now 3 and he's great!

If your friend doesn't feel that talking to a lactation consultant will be helpful or isn't something she wants to do (I didn't want to talk to ANOTHER one when my son was a few weeks old), maybe you could suggest she try pumping for a week. If she doesn't have a pump, she can rent one from the hospital (I wish I'd rented instead of buying until I found out if I could really breast feed) to see if it helps her breasts feel better.

If she is convinced she's done, she may resent any efforts to connect her with a lactation consultant. I'd suggest the resources other moms have shared here, let her know you're there for her to listen, supporting her in whatever decision she makes. That's what friends are for! And hopefully her husband won't be too h*** o* her...if she pumps or formula feeds, HE can feed the baby at 3 AM!

Hi T.,
I am a Certified Natural Health Professional, a Certified Massage Therapist and a Certified Nursing Assistant. I also Breastfed all four of my now grown children. Nursing more frequently or pumping, will help the problem. Slowing or Stopping Breastfeeding will definitely make the problem worse and could cause Mastitis, where the whole Breast gets hard, swollen and infected. The VERY BEST THING for your friend to do, is to put a COOL FRESH CABBAGE LEAF, inside her bra, around her breast, between feedings. This will take the swelling and pain from her breast. Have her keep the Cabbage Leaf on her breast until the leaf wilts, then put another fresh one on again. She'll be feeling better, before too long. Have her use a warm to hot compress, for about 5 to 10 minutes before nursing and then gently massage the breast, in circular strokes, around and around and also with 2 hands. This will help to unclog any Clogged Mild Ducts. She can also apply Eucerin Cream on her nipples. It is safe for the baby even while breastfeeding and it will keep her nipples soft and avoid cracking. Look up the following site, for more information:

THE DOCTOR'S BOOK OF HOME REMEDIES for WOMEN BREASTFEEDING PROBLEMS:
www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/19/34.cfm
Breastfeeding is as natural as walking. But nursing doesn't always come easy ... during the first few weeks of nursing. Sitting in a rocking ... gentle massaging helps unplug a clogged milk duct ...
· Cached page
Prayers and Blessings to all,
J. Marie

T.,
I do not think I have anything different to say from previous suggestions. A lactation consultant worked for me. I was using the right technique, but my son was not latching on properly and that was the reason why he was not eating well. Two week is to recent to quit and maybe engorgement is what your friend is going through, which it could lead to mastitis-hardness of the milk ducts— It is painful, yes, but not impossible to solve. In the meantime your friend can pump to relieve a little bit the pain and release some milk that it's being stored for some time in her breasts. "La Leche" League is a good source of help and support and of course her husband and dear friends like you. Encourage her not to quit and solve the situation, this is just the beginning for many challenges to come.

good luck

Hi T.,
I was a volunteer breastfeeding counselor for many years and I have a few things to add to the wonderful advice that you have already received. Listen carefully to your friend, say something like "what I hear you saying is..." and rephrase what she's said. She might tell you in no uncertain terms that she is finished or she might not. IF she tells you she is finished I think you need to respect her decision and support her in it. If is tells you about how much is hurts etc then you might help her find someone to help her. A good LLL leader will help her get through weaning at this stage, both physically and emotionally, if that is really what she wants. A good LLL leader could also help her with her other issues if she is receptive and willing to be helped.

While I was working with mothers I would occasionally hear from a well meaning friend, grandmother or father whose wife wanted to quit. When and if I ever talked to the mother herself, she usually needed someone to listen and hear that she could not and did not want to continue...her mind was made up! Supporting someone who was making a decision that I believed was not in the best interest of herself or her child was one of the most difficult things I have had to learn to do. It is an extremely valuable life skill and has really made me understand that loving someone frequently means excepting them with all of their limitations - people are not perfect. If your friend's mind is truly made up then I think the most important thing you can do is help her to feel good about her decision and her ability to be this baby's mother. If your friend has been presented with all the information about the benefits of breastfeeding - which given her situation she probably has- and she still decides she cannot continue, she is truly doing the best that she can right now! These first few weeks of motherhood are SO difficult for everyone.

I have always felt that making a woman feel bad about her mothering can only hurt her relationship with her child. Your friend will be this baby's mother for the rest of her life.

Good-luck with your friend,
K. L.

T.,
This is your friend's decision to make, and no O. else's. IF she asks you for advice on what to do IF she wants to continue then you can sufgest a lactation specialist., etc. Otherwise, be understanding and support her decision. She doesn't need to be judged--by anyone. I formula fed my son (now 5) and he is happy, bright, healthy and perfect. It's sad to see moms taking an attitude of "oh--poor her...etc. etc." Some women don't WANT to breastfeed and that is OK. It does NOT mean that they have failed in any way. If your friend is apprehensive, scared, sore, and tired of it...the last thing I'd do is try to convince her to keep it up. I wish her good luck.

I agree with the others that you should help her find a lactation consultant that can help her. I would also help her to understand that it's really hard the first few weeks but after that it's so worth it. I had someone tell me that before I had my son and I know I would have given up if I didn't know that it would get better. I know her frustration...I had problems with latching on and I also had an infection due to a clogged duct. I woke up with a fever in the middle of the night and it was very painful. I feel for her...but I would do it all again because I know the benefits and I continued to breastfeed until my son was almost a year old. It is worth it if she can just get through those first few weeks and get some help from someone who knows. I was told to hold my sons mouth open as wide as possible and shove my breast in his mouth...it worked. And they also told me to get the milk going first so that it makes it easier on him. I hope whatever choice she makes she is happy with it. She really has to do what is best for her and her baby. Just reassure her if she does decide to give up, she is not a failure.

I agree with your friend. I tried to breastfeed my first child. I only lasted one week. I was in so much pain. I went to the doctor and found out that I had an infection in my glands that was causing a lot of the pain. I chose to stop and formula feed my daughter. The memory of that pain still sticks with me and when I had my other two children, I decided not to even try breastfeeding my children. I have three very healthy kids ages 8, 3, and 16 months. I don't think any of them suffered from me not breastfeeding. Since your friend is in pain with swollen ducts, I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to stop breastfeeding. If she continues breastfeeding she could cause more problems like infections and dry or cracked nipples. If she is really concerned, tell her to go to her doctor. Since her son is only 2 weeks old, it won't be hard to ween him from the breast to the bottle.

Diane's suggestion is what I would also say. To quote:

"ind a LLL leader in her area for her, give the name and phone number to your friend (or even ask your friend if the LLL leader can call her - then you could call the LLL leader and hook them up). Or find and talk to a lactation consultant near her, then put her in touch with your friend or even make an appointment for the friend."

I never would have continued breast feeding the first time if not for my awesome lactation consultant at the hospital. I had swollen ducts, extremely sore chapped nipples, frequently engorged, my daughter even vomited blood one day because my nipple was bleeding into her mouth and I didn't know it!!! I thought she was dying! My consultant just continued letting me know with every emergency, that it was normal, and all I had to do was continue, and it would pass. Which was always true. By the end of the first month, everything was smooth sailing and I exclusively nursed her for 10 and 1/2 months.
She always said things like, "I know you're very uncomfortable, and no one is going to hold it against you if you quit, but just so you know, this is normal and it will pass by the time you heal up whether you stop or not."
Try this approach-something to make her feel OK no matter what she decides, but tell her it passes and remind her how good it is for her baby if you think it won't offend her. Good luck!

Hi, I am a mother of three children and I breast fed all of them. My advice is to try and be patient. It is not easy but as time goes by It becomes one of the most wonderful experiences of your life. The pain will only last a little while. The first two weeks are the hardest. Your nipples will crack and feel horrible as they get used to the baby, but they will get used to the baby and you will be fine.