Four Year Old, Television and Consequences

I also have a 4 year old daughter. We do a reward system using fake gold coins (left over from a pirate birthday party) in a clear glass vase. She can easily see how many are in the vase. If she's behaving very nicely she gets a coin. If she is behaving poorly she gets one warning and then I take away a coin. She gets to trade in coins for screen time. 1 coin is worth 10 minutes of screen time. If you want to let her have the iPad to play games but no videos you can put it in to airplane mode under settings.

Not too young to take things like TV away. I usually try and make the punishment fit the crime. If she takes food or drink into a room she shouldn't take food or drink, she's banned from that room for a while. Doesn't matter how fun that room is or what's still in it that she wants to play with. If she spills, she's banned AND and I make her help me clean it up, because cleaning up messes is no fun and helps her understand why the rule is there in the first place.

I was having a hard time getting her to flush the toilet after she pooped. I was so tired of coming into a bathroom and finding poop soup in the toilet that I told her that the next time she didn't flush her doodoo down I'd make her stand in front of the toilet and stare at it for five minutes. I figured if she left it there for everyone else to see, she should also enjoy the fruits of her labor as well.

It worked. It only took one five minute poop watching session for her to never forget to flush the toilet again. I don't think putting her in a time out in a special chair that is used for every infraction would have had the same effect, but after having to experience what others in the house have to experience because of her inaction, it forced empathy.

I explained that if she doesn't flush her poop, it makes the bathroom stink and is gross for the next person who wants to use the potty, but she didn't truly get it until I made her spend a little time with her leavings. Lesson learned.

For not listening to mommy I'd make her stop whatever she's doing and face me when I'm talking. Sometimes all it takes is eye contact to get your message across. If she throws attitude about being made to pause her activity to pay attention to her mother, she then suffers punishment for disrespect.

For disrespect she goes to her room away from anyone and she can come out when she feels like apologizing. The lesson there is, if you are disrespectful, no one will want to be around you. You'll be alone.

No, she is not too young. In fact, the less TV the better. As others have stated, you have to be more involved in your daughter's life. Plan a schedule for the both of you. Do chores, have a quiet time, go to the park, make dinner, read books together. Go to the store and shop and explore the veggies.

You are her first teacher and you need to prepare her for her life. She does not know what you know and you have to transfer that info to her in terms she can understand.

I remember coloring books, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, playing with dolls and such on my own at that age. I was so proud when I was able to keep my coloring in the lines. What an accomplishment.

If the TV was on in the morning, it was on to news of the day and no cartoons. It got so that if the weather was on it was x time and if the sports were on, it was y time, and so on. I never thought to try to change the channel to cartoons. If I had tried to change the channel, I would have been sent to my room as my parents were in charge and not me.

It is time to put your big girl panties on and become a mom and not a friend. You can be friends when daughter is 22.

ETA Play dates are fine but she needs interaction with you in a one on one. Coloring books, finger painting, making cookies.

the other S.

We have taken my 4.5 yr old daughter's "movies" (anything electronically transmitted - tv, ipad, computer) for a while now. Combined with 1-2-3 it used to work like a charm. Frankly, as of late it hasn't worked all that well. Our biggest issues are with getting ready in the morning and for bed. We flipped the scenario and now she gets viewing privileges by earning smiley faces for brushing her teeth, hair, picking out clothes and getting dressed. This approach seems to be working for now.

I don't think she's too young to have TV taken away. I think she's too young to be watching very much TV, period.

TV has a deleterious effect on young children's neurological processing. It trains them to expect instant gratification, and it short-circuits their verbal and visual imaginations at the precise developmental point when their minds should be popping with creativity.

When my son was that age, we established a rule that's still in place today. Friday nights are movie night. Aside from that, he gets no visual media whatsoever. His entertainment is, and has always been, reading.

And that (reading to her, I mean) will really help your daughter to focus, to handle disappointment, to think creatively in a calm, reflective way. It's a crucial key to her native intelligence. All the non-TV activities you describe are fantastic, but reading aloud should be front and center.

So, I don't think it's a question of whether you take TV away as a punishment. It's a question of whether and how often TV is an option to begin with.

P.S. Marketing people will have you believe that an iPad is an educational tool. It's not. It may be an efficient way to get her to retain information, but information is not education. It doesn't build the cognitive muscles that are the true heart of education. Instead, it lets them atrophy. Saying it's educational is like saying you can get exercise from driving in a car because your body is in the car and the car is moving. No. To get physical exercise, you need to move your body the hard way. To get mental exercise, you need to move your mind, not have an iPad (or anything else) overload it with excessive visual stimulus. Sorry, mama :(

You've got a lot of good responses. My DS is an only child and I'm an almost only. I come from a very different environment than today. My parents are only 3rd generation Americans, grew up during the depression, and my father was in WWII and went to a German parochial school. My DH is a naturalized American citizen. (Another words an immigrant.) We're older parents as well. We view age differently. We think the same way our parents did and that means we expect more from a 4 yro. than we would a 3yro., because a kindergarten aged child used to be 4 yro. This is the age that you can have fun with your child, because their vocabulary is starting to increase. Now is the time to read books with the purpose of teaching your child to read and have fun doing it. They can even learn simple mathematics like counting, adding, and subtracting. The best part about it is that you can make it seem like a game. If you have a local Kung Fu studio, you might want to enroll her in Kung Fu to help with concentration and learning respect as well as self-control. Martial arts isn't all about defense like a lot of people think. You need to explain why she should spit on you or pinch you and ask her if she would like you to do that to her. It's now time for you to question her and ask her why she does what she does. She might say she doesn't know, but you still need to ask. She needs a hobby. It can be anything, but has to be something she can be proud of and enjoy. Only children are very lucky and can be very intelligent, but you have to hone in on it. You have to teach your DD how to redirect her anger. Let her take up piano, dance, martial arts, drawing, crafts, anything just so she has something to go to when she feels like lashing out at Mommy. Also, it's time to weigh the behavior. Is the behavior that you perceive as bad really worth the battle or is it just a minor oops? Involve her in your day. My mom used to take all the knick-knacks off the shelves and wash them while she had me dust the shelves. I though it was fun to help my mom. I used to have my son cut the cinnamon rolls with dental floss and roll up the cresent rolls when he was around 4 yro. I hope this helps. I never really had any trouble with my DS. I don't know if I was lucky or just kept him busy. He didn't even watch much TV. He spent most of his time playing with his transformers and drawing. He used to sing when we'd go shopping when he was 3 yro. I can still see him walking through CVS singing, "I've been working on the railroad....." Singing was one of the ways I would distract DS when we'd have to stand in a long line at grocery stores. We'd sing the "Alphabet Song" together while standing in line. I figured he couldn't yell, throw tampertantrums, or run around if I kept him busy singing plus it was preparing him for kindergarten. You really need to start preparing your DD for kindergarten now. She needs to learn to color in the lines, count, the alphabet, print her name, a few sounds, how to sit still for a long time, etc.

You are doing a great job! I think losing TV is a reasoable consequence for a four year old. I have a six and a two year old. We sometimes do time outs and lately I try to get them talking. I find when I really listen to them in a warm loving way they end up telling me what's going on. We hug it out and they start behaving a lot better. My kids love TV, too. When we come in from playing outside or the gocery store it's he first thing they ask for. Depending on my mood I allow it. I often need a break after playing out in the heat with them, or lugging in the groceries. It gives me a minute to regroup...have a coffee and a deep breath. Although, recently...I discovered that giving them a large selection of art supplies...pipe cleaners, googly eyes, markers, glue, and paper towel rolls works just as well. They can play with that independantly for a half hour sometimes...before someone starts screaming and I turn on the TV!

I don't think she is too young, but does she understand the cause/effect relationship that long ago? I mean if she is disrespectful to you at 1 does she remember why she can't have tv at 6? I think it needs to be taken away from something a lot bigger unless she is really disrespectful. I would send her to time out to think about how she should speak to you, then after hugs and kisses, she needs to try talking to you again in an appropriate way, and keep trying until she understands what is ok and what is not.

Try this. Use TV as an incentive to behave well instead of taking it away as a consequence. And she does NOT need to have an iPad.

Expect her behavioral issues to escalate while she tries to "break you". Don't be deterred. Give her 3 chances to fix her behavior. You can say "That's one..." and if she doesn't straighten up, say "That's two..." and when you have to say "That's three", then put an "X" on the refrigerator. Tell her that she has a "strike" because she didn't do what you asked. If she gets 3 strikes on the frig, there is NO TV for the day.

When she realizes that she will NEVER get TV like this, her behavior will get better. You will have to give up the TV crutch in order for this to work. It's worth it, mama.

And just to bring home the point, no more iPad. You will hurt your progress if she has iPad to take the place of TV. They are both a fun "screen" and she will substitute the iPad for the TV in her head.

Good luck.

She is not too young to have tv taken away as a consequence, although if she is able to replace tv with the ipad I don't see how that is a consequence. Usually the consequence should fit the infraction. If one of my sons was to speak to me in a disrespectful manner then the consequence would be to sit on his bed until he is ready to apologize and speak to me nicely. Taking away the tv would be a suitable consequence for not turning the tv off when asked, or watching something that they are banned from. If you are just trying to limit time on the tv, I made a rule for the summer with my boys, for every hour of screen time they need to do an hour of reading. We go to the library and take out books so they always have something new to read.

TV was my son's currency.
It was the thing that he loved most. I used it - often!

She is definitely not too young to take tv away as a consequence. And I am not one who thinks that she cannot connect the consequence of no tv tonight or tomorrow because of bad beahavior this morning. She is not a dog; she does have a brain and she can make the connection.

However, taking tv away and then giving her another forum to watch tv on makes absolutely no sense and makes your consequence a non-consequence. If tv is taken away, so is the ipad.

Have you heard that children as young as Alyssa become addicted to electronics very quickly? And breaking the addiction is extremely difficult and hell on the parents. If I were you, I would start engaging her in other activities and keep the electronics to a very bare minimum.

For example, finger painting is a great and very imaginative thing for her to be doing outside when she's done swimming and swinging. Practicing coloring inside the lines; working on tracing letters of the alphabet; playing with baby dolls, etc. are all things she can be doing instead of watching tv. It almost sounds like any time you two are in the house, she is either watching tv or playing on the ipod. There is no development of imagination in that. Put that stuff away and teach her how to use her imagination in play. That will serve her much better in the future than learning to be an expert tv watcher.

My kids love TV/Wii/iPad/DS. So in our house, we don't have 'no TV' time, we have 'No Electronics Time'.

She's 4. She simply does not have the cognitive ability to associate the consequences you are giving her to what you are taking away. Try doing something right then. Grounding a child is something that only has effect with older kids, in higher elementary school. Not being able to go to a friends house because they didn't do their home work is an example. They understand they messed up and that for not managing their time correctly they have more time at home to work on practicing doing their work.

A 4 year old does NOT have the ability to process this in this way. All she sees in mommy is taking away TV or Ipad. So save that consequence for later.

Try telling her in a stern voice "YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT"! Tell her she is going to sit in the corner for 5 minutes or until she apologizes and tells you why talking to mommy like that is not nice.

Look at her as if you were her teacher. Teach her why it's not okay, teach her a different way to communicate her anger and frustration. Teach her, don't give her consequences she can't fathom and understand completely.