First "Overnight" with 2 Stepdaughters

My stepkids were 5 and 2 when I got them and we were in the same boat a far as not communicating with the mom. Since its the first night I say make it fun! You dont have to go and sped lots of money, but having a family movie night/game night might be fun. If you tell them the schdule for the day you might find they have some comfort in knowing how the time is going to be spent. I personally think that there will be lots of time for laying down the ground rules so I wouldnt go overboard the first night. If something comes up address it, short sweet and to the point. They are only 4 and 3 after all.
*I believe that 8pm is a nice safe bedtime!

Have fun!

I have two step sons that we have had for the last 6 years. First and foremost the most important thing you have done is formed a bond with these girls for the last 6 months. They know you love them and know that you and daddy are not going anywhere.
I suggest you and your husband sit down nicely with the girls and discuss your role as the parents of your home, their old enough to understand. That they will treat you nicely and listen to you and such, not just your husband. Tell them what you will expect from your own little girl when she is old enough. And very lovingly read them books maybe tell them, "ok, we're going to sit down and watch a movie and then it's time for bed". This will give them a couple hours to think about going to bed. Bedtime can be nice for little ones especially if there is a routine of bath, book, teeth, prayer and be consistant each time they are there. They will like the consistancy since they may not get it from mom. I hope I've helped a little. It will turn out fine.
Good luck!
S.

I would say you have great advice from all the other moms. My parents split up when I was 3, the first couple of all-nighters my dad brought me home, because I didn't want to stay the night. I know now it hurt him at the time, but he did it for me. To make me more comfortable with the whole situation. The bummer was he lived 1 1/2 hours away from my mom. My daughter the first night she stayed with her dad she wanted to come at midnight, he wouldn't bring her to me (she was 3), he called me and thought I could calm her down it made it worse. I went and got her. He was soooooo mad at the both of us. It only happened once, but I am happy I went I got her. She knows that I will be there for her for anything. Two years later, she still asks if she wants to come home, if I will come get her.

SO all I am saying is if they want to go home, take them. I know it will hurt, but it is really about making them feel okay and comfortable with your house and being with you.

Talk to your husband about what kinds of discipline he expects from you, just for future reference. In the future you will need to be able to maintain order in the house and you will need to warm up to it. You will also need his full support. As for the first night he should still be the disciplinarian.
Have the other times that they came over been special? If each visit has been a party they will expect the same. If visits have been working tword incorperating them into your daily life I would continue just that. You could ask the girls if there is a special dinner they want or something.
As for bed time come up with something about half an hour later then resonable. It's the weekend and you won't need to take them to school or anything, but they are young enough to get cranky if they don't have 10-12 hours sleep.
Just take it day by day!

Hi K E,
I am sorry to hear about your situation with the girls mom. If for no other reason then to know who her children are around and to make sure their needs are meant she should talk to you, meet you. The kids have to come first. I am not a step mom but two of my children do have a step mom with whom I do talk to and have met as soon as the kids were going to be around her. Luckily we are friendly with each other and do work together when it comes to the kids. It's not always easy just because of the situation. Here is my advice for your situation with the girls spending the night. I would plan an activity to do with them but not to wear them out but just to make it a fun stay. Nothing big just something that they will have fun doing and that will help them feel good about staying with you. Could be making cookies, a picnic at the park, etc. I would maybe make their favorite dinner or a fun dinner that you all would enjoy. If the mom does not leave a list of bedtime routines with you or doesn't tell you anything then I would go with common sense. My four year old daughter as well as my older children go to bed at 8 unlesss their really grumpy and showing signs of being tired in which case I will put them to bed around 7:30 or 7 some times. Just do things as if you would if they were living with you. Eat dinner, bath time, pajama time, story time, bed time or whatever your routine would be. I wouldn't let the mom get to you. I would just do what you think is in their best interest and things will work out. It might take a couple tries to figure out routines but the kids will adjust and so well you. It sounds like your doing a great job already. If they cry because they want to go home then just comfort them and reassure them that it will be alright and that tomorrow they will get to go home. Maybe tell them a story or sing them a song until they go to sleep. As long as your kind and reassuring you have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't call the mom or take them home unless they were really really upset and nothing calmed them down. Once they learn that all they have to do is get upset and they get to go home or they get what they want then they will do it all the time to get what they want. The best thing is to just let them figure out that everything will be alright even if they have to cry a little. My daughter cried her first night at dads but she made it though the night just fine and without any damage. Kids do get homesick or want their own beds. If they have a favorite doll or blanket let them sleep with it so they feel that comfort of home. I think you will find that it won't be as bad as you think. Just do what you would do with your own children. I hope everything works out.

Eventually, you will have to set up a bedtime routine for your house, but for the first time, I'd make it more like a sleep over. They might be scared sleeping there for the first time, so be sensitive to that and listen to their needs. Bedtime is probably around 8pm. If you let them stay up too late, you will have an even harder time. Make it a game of them helping you with the bedtime routine. Ask them where they would like to sleep (allow your bedroom floor as an option. Ask them what comes next in their routine (snack, bath, teeth, jammies, story). Be sure to ask them about lights, door open or shut, music or quiet. They will enjoy feeling like they are in charge when they help you.

I am a child of divorce. I lived with my Mom and would go and see my Dad on weekend trips 2 times a month. And, I had a step-mom, who did not set boundries just "rules of the house" (like doing dishes after dinner, pick up after yourself, basic rules).
4 & 3 is a tough, but fun age. I would establish a routine. Kids that age need a routine. Our routine in our home is:
Dinner
Shower/Bath Time
Pajamas
Settle Down for Bedtime
Read Bedtime Stories
If the are 4 & 3 thier bedtime will probably be between 8:00-9:00pm I would be tempted to put them into bed at 8:00-8:15 read them a story or two (in my son's case it's 3-4) and see if the dose off. If anything, the reading to them before bed will calm them down. After the story, say goodnight, and tell them that you are glad that they are staying with you. See what happens. Depending on how big your house is, have plug in night lights in thier bedroom, hallways, and bathroom. Before you go to bed, keep thier door open and your door open in case they wake up in the middle of the night. If they do wake up crying for thier Mommy, don't get upset, just try to calm them down and talk to them in a soft voice (they may be half asleep when they wake up). Hopefully your husband will be there for them as well.
Establishing rules in YOUR household is important. Talk to your husband about it, and about disapline when he is not around.
I was raised with a loving Mom and a wonderful Step-Dad that I love as a father. He never over stepped his boundries where disipline was concerned. He had a "go to your room until Mom comes home" attitude. He had Step-Parents as well (who were the most wonderful people-I really lucked out). I think being in a situation where you are a step-child makes you a better step-parent because they have been in the child's shoes. Communication with your husband is so important in this situation. Talk about different things that could happen while they are with you, things that they may do and what your reactions should be.
Setting up activities are important. Don't take them to the Zoo, Pacific Science Center, Chuck E. Cheese, and a Movie all in one day. Just going to a Park, maybe the Zoo if the weather permits, or an indoor play gym. Or, stay at home. Do crafts (finger painting, coloring, papercrafts) Or bake sugar cookies (get the Pillsbury sugar cookie dough at the store), get fun cutouts, have them sprinkle colored sugars on them. Or, paint your toenails with them. I did that with my 3 nieces (ages 2,4,&5). My Mom made me do this in the kitchen, so we wouldn't spill nail polish on the carpet, the bathroom was too small for all 4 of us. And, they sat still until thier pretty toes were dry (amazing).
The girls are young. Just have fun with them!
I find it immature and strange that thier Mom won't communicate with you thier routine. Especially because they are so young. Maybe, she will tell you or write you a note of thier likes and dislikes right when the child exchange is being done.

Good Luck!
37 year old stay at home Mom of 2 handsome, busy, and curious boys ages 12 & 6, and a wonderful husband.

I am a single mom of two children. Since you are not sure of routines on their end,(which is sad that she is allowing her feelings above that of her daughters comforts)I would start your routines in your house and stick with them. Children learn routines in different environments. They will come to know your routine even if it is different. You are a mom and if they cry and want to go home you can comfort them and assure them that they will see their mom tomorrow. what I did for my kids is I gave them a bench mark of when I would pick them up. I layed out their weekend for them. You will be at daddys and sleep tonight and wake up and have fun all day with daddy and then sleep at daddys another night and wakeup and go to church and have lunch and play awhile and then mommy will be there to pick you up. This seemed to help for mine when they were young. I know you are on the recieving end and I was on the sending end but them main thing is they feel important and safe and routines and them knowing what is expected will provide just that. You and your husband need to sit down and come up with rules together for the girls and help each other in this as they need to see that you two are together in this and have a united front. I hope this helps. Routines are important and it is easier to start them the first visit.

First of all, good luck with the first overnight! It's an exciting time and should be planned so. I would try to find an activity (either out and about or at home) that could be something that the family could do regularly. That would establish a routine. I was a single mom for awhile. Routine is very important. As far as bedtime goes. They need to know that you love them and want them their, but that there are still rules and they need to be firmly established. So, setting a bedtime will be key to them understanding that every time they come over. Make it a routine, like bathing. My kids know that every night baths start at 7 PM and are taken every 45 minutes until done! The first bed time is at 8 and every half hour after that. It makes it nice for one on one with the kids too. But I do think that routine will be important. Especially without the support of the other parent. Emails are not the way to deal with children. Their mom is just playing with their lives and it's not fair. Good luck. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

OH yes... what an opportunity... establish a bedtime routine... whatever time you choose... they are young enough to get into your routine.. a good bedtime story is great... you have the opportunity to be better than a mom to them.. but a mom at the same time... enjoy your time and don't worry about the lack of communication with the mom... It would be obviously better for the girls if you did have communication.. but let them have a fabulous time with you.. as they grow they will make their own decisions as to where they most like to be... HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.. tAMMIE

I think you should ask them what they might want on their next day visit. Would they like to sleep in the same bed or seperate. Maybe you could take them to the store and have them help you pick out sheets and comforters for their beds that will always be there when they come. The father should communicate with their mother on what they need to bring. Hopefully she will send the children with their favorite stuffed animal, jammies,toothbrush etc. Be prepared for her not to though. I have heard of some people setting the overnight parents up for failure. Have some extra stuff on hand just in case and take it back if all goes well. The father should also discuss their bed time routine with the mother...at least bed time. The kids won't go to sleep if you put them to bed to early and might be wrecks if they go to bed too late.
This is a big deal and dad should really start this off on the right foot. Communication is always the key...with the kids mom and the kids.

its ok that you are in the dark because even if you knew it is doubtful you could recreate the same bedtime routine. You need to create your own and make it fun and they will adjust to it.
stay strong and good luck!
you sound like a loving and caring step-mom.