Ferber Method

I am a nanny, and the people I nanny for had to do this with their daughter, I guess I was strong or something. Her mom couldn't handle it, so I put her down for naps.
Now that I have my own child however, I can not listen to him cry, so I understand. It did work for them.
I would say if you can't listen, get someone who can and you go for a walk.

I think at his age, it's fine to let him cry it out. If you feel bad, it might help him settle better to have a specific nighttime routine (if you aren't doing that already). Get him ready for bed the same way, in the same order. Maybe have a special song you sing or book you read every night.

Have the 10-20 minutes before he goes to bed be the same every night. This way he'll be able to anticipate going to bed and he might settle down quicker, once he gets the hang of it.

I am now on my third and fourth baby (twins) and I have read alot about different approaches to this issue. Each parent is different and what works for one may not suit for another. There a lot of different schools of thought from Ferber to attachment parenting to somewhere in between. I tried the attachment parenting thing with my second and it ended up horrible with him completely dependant on me for everything but I feel i was way too harsh with the "crying it out" with my first so I came up with a middle ground approach to sleep time. I found a winding music box that played for about 12 minutes (if you have one good, if not just keep an eye on the clock but I think the little bit of music is soothing) and I would crank it and put my son down, he did cry for the first few nights, I would let the music box play and if he was still crying after the music ended in 12 minutes I would go in and sooth and rock him for abit and try again, I don;t think I ever went in more than twice. After a week or so he would cry for a few minutes but would be done long before the music ended. From then on it was easy getting him to bed, sometimes he would cry but not for long, he had learned to sooth himself. I did that with my last 2, I waited until they were about 3 months before I would expect them to learn to soothe themselves and it worked just as good once again. If there was any instance that they were still crying by the time the music box was done (which was very rare) I knew something was actually wrong and then I would go in and soothe them. They are now almost 12 months old and go to sleep really really well, I still play the music and I will still go in if they are still up after the music has stopped but again that's rare. So that's my middle of the ground approach. Your son is older though so it may take a bit longer for him to get used to it. YOu could look into a book called the baby whisperer and the toddler whisperer. I firmly beleive that a baby needs to learn to soothe themselves at bedtime it is an important part of growing up but I was just not comfortable (as it sounds you are) just to leave them for a long amount of time to cry it out when something really could be wrong.
Good luck to you, its not easy or fun. Now just pray he stays in his crib for a long long time bc that's when it gets really interesting, when they can get out and wander around free. I am dealing with that with my two year old and need some advice on how to cope with that. Just when you get something figured out he'll change it on you:)

Even though this request is a year old I feel compelled to respond to the last poster:

I have to disagree with you I feel that by responding to my childrens needs at night I am building a foundation of trust (we share sleep) I have three boys ages 5, 3 and 7 months. The 5yr old sleeps fine on his own now and the 3 yr old comes to our bed occasionally in the middle of the night. I feel strongly in my parenting that I know the difference between responding to their emotional needs versus wanting the most popular gadgets. We have not had issues regarding their behavior in thinking that because we parent them at night it means they run the show and should get anything and everything their heart desires.
Dr. Sears book Attachment Parenting is an excellent resource

and as a side note Dr Ferber himself has recinded his earlier recommendations of making a child "cry it out"

I haven't read all of the replies, but does he have a crib toy or one of those "moving lights" to maybe distract him? Our 4 year old daughter is deaf, so ferberising wasn't an option. We couldn't go in and just talk. Our first instinct was to make the room dark, but our deaf mentor said that deaf children are afraid of the dark. But the lack of stimulation helped. She had a crib toy with moving fish that we could "adjust" for length of time. She couldn't hear the music but she loved watching the fish. We went in to check on her in similar time intervals, but we tried to do it when she wasn't crying. Therefore, it wouldn't be her crying that got our attention. Oh, also, try something, like a robe, that you wear that smells like you.

If you don't mind getting up with him at all times of the night, if you don't mind him monopolizing every moment of your day --- well into his teen years, then by all means, keep going in to soothe him each time he protests. Remember, humans are very adept in working other humans, and will continue to try as long as we give them the opportunity to. I promise your child will not expire from his noisy calls for attention. He may get very upset, even angry with you. That's how people behave when they don't get what they want. You are setting the stage right now. How will you respond when he is 4 years old and wants a Nintendo DS? (Or the equivalent at the time) Or an Ipod, or a cell phone? And believe me, he'll ask. These formative years will set up future demands. Be prepared.

Hi C.,

Like the last poster, I felt the need to say something too as we went through trying to find a way to have our daughter sleep better. I read EVERY book out there cover to cover and finally, I just went with my gut instinct not to let her cry it out. (Of course, this is also recommended by many pediatricians and now even Ferber has changed his position) I have a three and 1/2 year old and she had the most difficult time sleeping especially at the age you wrote at to about 2 years old. However, not anymore. Now she loves her bed and only occasionally comes in to sleep with me when she's sick or scared. However, my solution to what sounds like the same thing you were going through was to carry her into my bed, against a lot of people's warnings that I was going to spoil her and never train her to sleep on her own. They were wrong and I'm glad I did this. Little kids grow up and grow out of certain needs. When they're little and crying for you, it's because they truly don't know where you are and they need you. I just wanted to say that I remember how hard it was to figure this out- the lack of sleep for moms and dads is almost torture! I wish I had heard from other mothers what happened 2-5 years later, so that's why I'm writing to say sleep gets easier. When we have a second child, I won't worry at all about bringing them to sleep with me (probably with a co-sleeper attached to the bed in the beginning). Even at three a child can get really scared. Reassuring them just makes them more self-confident because they feel safe. And just because I responded to her crying and her fear, doesn't mean I now let her have a Nano or ice cream for breakfast!

This sleep method issue can really divide moms, but I thought I'd send some advice that I wish I had heard, so my intention is to help, not preach :)

I'm a working mom and couldn't really do the full attachment parenting like some might expect, however, the Sears books were really wonderful (best books IMO), filled with the latest scientific research and written with heart. Also, The Happiest Baby on the Block taught us how to swaddle a colicky baby. Whew!!!!

Best to all moms out there who are going through a sleep dilemma!!!!

M.

Been there, done that! It worked for us as well. I strongly believe you're not "abandoning" him, but rather helping him figure out how to get himself back to sleep.

Hi C.,
We had to do this with our twins and they worked themselves through it in a couple of nights. Hang in there, I know there is nothing harder than listening to your little one wail, but you will be better for him if you have sleep too!!
Good luck and stay strong!

I'll never forget letting my oldest son cry it out those first few times! It was painful! In my opinion you are doing the right thing. I have 3 kids, the oldest was the worst sleeper, the second o.k. and the 3rd the best. I almost always picked up my oldest right away, my second sometimes had to wait and my 3rd waited many times since I was attending to the other two! Most times my daughter (the 3rd) would put herself to sleep. Rarely did she cry for more than a minute or two! There is something to be said for learning how to calm yourself down and falling asleep.
Good luck and hang in there!

I had this same issue. We ended up having to go cold turkey...no visits, just let him cry. It only took a few days and he now sleeps through most nights.

We still have about once a week, where he'll wake up, but the crying doesn't last very long. I had some of the same issues about how it would affect him feeling abandoned ect. I did a lot of reading. Most of the reading I did said that at the age your son is at (and mine was at) it shouldn't affect your son. He's problably just waking up, because he wants your company (like our son did). It's the younger ages like under 4 or 6 months (I can't remember which) where it might be bad for the baby.

We were at a loss and had to do something with both of us working and the cold turkey cry it out method was our last resort. We both work and our son started waking up and just staying awake for 2 hours in his crib...out old methods didn't work..he just wanted us to stand next to the crib while he laid there, but if we left he got mad and cried. The cry it out cold turkey method worked for us and he is still the happy little boy he always was. He knows he can depend on us to be there when we're really needed, but that we are not going to come and get him when he needs to be sleeping.

C., You know your baby better than anyone and his different cries - if he is mad, let him work it out on his own, he's just trying to see who is the boss. He wants to explore and play, not go to bed. If he is paniced or scared, go in to soothe him everytime.

If he doesn't have a stuffed animal or special blanket, you may want to get him one. That is what finally worked for us.

Our son is 11 1/2 months and we struggle with the same issue. You are lucky to have reached only 10 minutes of crying the second night - I know that isn't any consolation.

We started out at over an hour at the beginning of the night and an hour each time he woke up in the night (2-3 times). Then we started to only have him cry at the beginning (unless he fell asleep - I am not in charge of bedtime - hubby is). Then in the middle of the night we usually give in and bring him to bed with us.

To answer your question - no, I don't think it is bad that you don't go in. We had the exact same issue. I would feel worse and he would cry harder everytime I went in to check on him. I think he calms down earlier (now between 10-30 minutes) than he did when I tried to go in there according to the actual method.

Now our only challenge is not giving in in the middle of the night, when both of us have to work the next day.

look at it this way, each time you go in there to soothe him, you are actually going in there and stimulating him...in short making him want to play, waking him up more.

he is old enough to test you now, and when you walk in there his 'game' is working...

if he were to cry longer than 15 minutes or his crying is gets worse and harder, then something could actually be wrong. if his crying in 15 minutes is lower than don't go in there, it would probably mean he is starting to get tired and falling asleep.

I got tired of going in to my boys room at all hours of the night to calm him finally just let him cry it out so i know how you feel but if you go in there every time he crys he will never learn to self soothe, which belive me is a very good thing, and if he falls asleep on his own that is awsome. He will not think that you are not there for him because you are, and he knows that. I know its hard but in the long run it will be worth it.

We went through the same thing when our son was that age (and occasionally we still do, he's 21 months). It's hard to hear him cry but our doctor assured us that letting him cry himself to sleep at that age will not hurt him at all emotionally. Like you I worry that he feels abandoned if I let him cry it out, but the less available I am in the middle of the night the more he sleeps.

-Jo

C., I do feel for you. However, I feel that "crying it out" is not always a good thing for a baby. (By the way, Ferber has recanted some of his teachings on letting a child cry itself to sleep. He now feels it may be harmful!) Why don't you try something that doesn't involve crying, but does teach your child to fall asleep by himself. It worked for us. We followed a methodology by Kim West. She has it outlined in a book called: "Good Night Sleep Tight". It may take a couple of weeks to implement, but there is no crying involved, and your son definitely will not feel abandoned by you. Sorry that I had to disagree with other Moms, but I feel very strongly about babies being left to cry themselves to sleep. Hope this works for you.