So I have this feelings quite often. I am 6 months pregnant and have a 14 month old daughter and I've been loosing my patience with her a LOT. She is not an easy toddler, she screams if I don't hold her all day (and sometimes it hurts to do so because she is 22 pounds and my belly is huge), she doesn't sleep her naps sometimes and when she does it's maybe 30 minutes and wakes up at 5:30 am every day, it is so exhausting. My husband works a LOT, he is gone at 5:30 am and comes back at 11 PM 5 days a week, and when he is home he is always tired (which I understand) and he sleeps and rests while I keep taking care of my daughter. I love her to death but I feel like I don't have a break. On top of that she has been sick for the last 3 days, today she feels better (thank God). Anyways, this morning I was so hungry, so I made some eggs and bacon and set them on a small table on her playroom and she moved the table and poured coffee all over my breakfast and I was starving. I got so mad and I yelled at her, I said: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! and I went and ate at the kitchen table, she cried and came up to me and I felt SO bad. I have so much gilt. Am I a bad mother. I love her but I have been yelling a lot and I feel horrible after but I keep on doing it. What is wrong with me? I love her but I feel like I have no patience.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Unfortunately my family lives abroad and my sister, which lives here, is an hour away. she has been a big help though, and she has babysat for us from time to time so we can go out and have some free time (usually on my husband day off) but it is hard to drive there frequently because it's far and the traffic gets really bad. My daughter also doesn't like the car seat too much so long trips are a little difficult.
Anyways, I am buying that book "The happiest toddler..." I think it can teach me a few things about communication with my daughter. I am going to try to be more relaxed because it might be what it is causing anxiety in her. I've notice that when I am calmed she is happier and less fussy. Like this afternoon I sat with her to play with play doh and she loved it, it was the first time that we tried that and we spend 1 hour poking it with a plastic fork, making little circles (mostly me) and it was great, it made me feel better after what happened this morning at breakfast and she had a blast.
I absolutely HATE yelling at her, I know I have to say "no" to her sometimes but the yelling is so unnecessary but sometimes I just can't help it. Even though my hormones are kind of crazy right know I have to try harder to control myself because it is not my lovely daughter's fault that I am stressed out.
I'll try to let go of this guilty feelings, even though it is a little hard for me sometimes. I am thinking about joining a mom's group as it was recommended because I am also new to Texas and I have no friends close by either, so I guess that makes my situation a little worse. And will try to make hubby help more on his days off, after he sleeps (I'll keep my fingers crossed).
Thanks again for taking the time to answer. God bless.
it sounds like you are a good mother who just needs a little bit of a break. Do you have any family nearby? I know if I need a break, my MIL is happy to take my daughter for the day. She'd even take her overnight if I'd let her, but I dont see any reason for her to be gone from me overnight yet. I also will watch my cousin's son if she needs it, she's a single mother, so I like to give her a break when I can.
Everyone that has done something you feel bad about please raise your hand.
You had a bad morning, and yep while you are so uncomfortable physically you will have less patience with everyone around you.
Try to count to 10 in your mind before saying or doing something you might feel bad about. Kids are work. This is why I don't understand why moms that have 4 kids wonder why people like me say "Dang, how do you DO IT?" Parenting is a huge responsibility... it does come with a few meltdowns, so don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are recognizing your stress level is a good thing. Just start practicing more patience and it will soon come on it's own without much effort :)
You are exhausted, physically and emotionally, especially compounded with pregnancy fatigue.
She and you both could benefit from learning some new discipline techniques as well as some activities to keep her occupied. If she isn't napping, you can still lay her down for an hour or two quiet time after breakfast and after lunch. Perhaps you can let a friend watch her for a few hours a day or two a week.
Dr. Sears has tons of discipline advice here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
Sleep advice here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp
and ways parents can control their anger here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp
Of course you're not a bad mother. You're the pregnant mother of a toddler. :)
It is time to set some boundaries and a firm schedule for your daughter. It's not going to be easy. It will be very very trying at first, but little kids NEED a schedule and boundaries. If she wants to be held and you can't hold her tell her "I'm sorry sweetie, but Mommy can't hold you right now. I will cuddle with you after I finish XYZ." She's probably going to cry. It's probably going to break your heart. But, after you tell her that a few times (or maybe a lot of times) she's going to realize that she can't be held all day long. Get her involved in an activity like coloring or Play Doh at the kitchen table while you do the dishes, make lunch or dinner. Don't eat in the play room. Eat at the table.
She NEEDS a nap schedule. There is NO way that a 14 month old should be awake all day. Start up a nap schedule. After lunch do a quiet activity, then tell her it's nap time. Rock her, cuddle her or whatever you normally do for your bed time routine. Then put her in bed. Or even lay down with her, if you're ok with that.
Why do you feel guilty for telling her no when she clearly did something naughty? She needs some boundaries.
I totally agree with the links to the Dr. Sears stuff that a previous poster gave you. I love Dr. Sears. His advice really fits into our lifestyle.
If you don't get a schedule and boundaries in place now, it's going to be very very very difficult when the baby comes.
It sounds a lot like your daughter's behavior is stressing you, and your lack of energy and short temper are stressing her, which could definitely make her behavior worse, and even make her too anxious to sleep well.
This would take some real attention on your part, but assess whether the attention you give your daughter these days is largely because she's acting out or begging for more attention. If that's the case, she will be more "difficult" because at 14 months, she absolutely needs loads of attention from you. You are her rock, her foundation, and if you seem randomly unavailable or emotionally volatile, she will be more anxious and need you even more.
So, a few times a day, make time to simply lavish affection `on her, without her having to "work you" for it. Have happy giggles together. It will flood both your brains with "happy" chemicals and make both of your lives easier, even if you have to let some other things go. Neither of you will remember dust bunnies in the corner a year from now, or even your spilled coffee, if you have lots of good emotional bonding.
When she's whining and clinging and you can't possibly make more time for her, try the technique used by Dr. Harvey Karp; The Happiest Toddler on the Block. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He will demonstrate in this (and several related video clips) exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language, gets on their wavelength, so they know he's on their team. This makes them willing to be on his team.
Dont worry you are a good mom who is just stressed out. Dont forget that your horomones are all out of wac too and its taking a toll on your body being pregnant. It will be okay. Tough that your hubby is gone all day. Do you have any friends that could help? Take your daughter to play?
How about getting involved with a mommy and me program where you can meet other moms and make friends, that have other children yours's age? They can take your daughter for a few hours for a play date so you can rest.
You sound like a great mother. If you are able to, I would ask a family member or friends to help out for a few hours to give you a break. Being pregnant at 6 months, can be physically and emotionally draining especially if your husband is working alot. It's OK to let your child cry if it gives you time to get yourself together after yelling. Remember to count to 10 or go to another room if you feel like your losing patience with your 2 year old.
When my daughter was 2 years old, I found that I yelled and lost my patience alot. I was working full time and after work I still had MOM work. You feel like you have no ME time. My daughter consumed 110% of my time but it was well worth it. We have such a strong bond now. She is so helpful and we are very close. What helped me most is to recognize my feelings and letting my daughter know that I will always be there even when I was yelling. Communication is key. They will grow out of the stage where it's me, me and me.
Dont feel like a bad mother. I am sure everyone loses their patience every once in a while. You probably are tired being 6 months pregnant and pretty much having to do everything yourself. If you have a friend or relative near, you should ask them to sit for you so you can have a little break.
I'm sorry and I sympathize. You are NOT a bad mother - you are just like every other mother and you need help. Toddlers are HARD and being pregnant is HARD.
I read that you do not have family around - could you try a mother's day out for a day or two a week?
Ahh I somewhat know how you feel. Just not currently pregnant & my daughter is almost 5 years old, and put Daddy in Egypt...
My daughter has recently become the "bad" kid at school (pre-k). :( The other day when I picked her up I was told the lead teacher wanted to talk to me about my daughter. Just in that day alone she had been hitting, spitting, kicking, threw her shoe at a teacher, and even ripped off part of a paper chain they had made & hung on the tree! Ugh! I felt soooo bad!! I'm having a REALLY hard time getting her to listen, to me or anyone. I've gotten so upset & yelled at her at times.
I have family around, but it's not like I can call someone over every day so that I can have my own "time out" away from her!
I try hard to stay calm with her & not yell. I ignore her tantrums as much as I can & just try to talk to her. Not always easy :) I've been trying to enforce punishments for her misbehavior & to follow through so that she knows I'm serious. The past few days have been.... interesting!
You definitely need a break. As Sara B said, do you have family or friends nearby that could keep her for maybe a few hours occasionally?
Take a deep breath & try to stay calm. You are not a bad mother! :)
Of course your not a bad mom, you're just a woman deeply in need of a break! I second what other folks have said about family and friends watching your daughter, or perhaps if you have the money, hire someone to watch your daughter or to help out occasionally. Perhaps you can schedule some "me" time when your husband is home for the weekend. We all needs breaks and we all need support. I feel for you, it sounds like your actually doing a great job under the circumstances. Hang in there!
You're not a bad mother.
You're overwhelmed and tired.
Do you have any friends or relatives with young children?
I wonder if you can get some me-time by letting DD visit
with other children or family members?
A morning or an afternoon without her company
will give you a chance to catch your breath.
You really need to take good care of yourself
before you can take good care of DD.
Hi neighbor (I see you live in Plano too). I have been in your shoes. My husband always worked many hours and traveled (still does). When I was pregnant, I had practically ZERO patience. I felt awful for having such little patience. I made a point as much as possible to apologize for mommy losing her patience and tried my best to not react right away. Parenting alone without a break just adds to it. It does get better down the line as the kids get older. Little ones really require a lot of time - leaving not much time for mom. Do you have family or anyone around who can give you a break now and then? When mine were little and I was pregnant, we didn't have family around and it made it especially tough. Forgive yourself for losing your cool and just keep trying. Beating yourself up will just suck more energy out of you. You're a good mom or you wouldn't be writing in to ask. Clearly you care. Hang in there! :)
