Family Troubles...

I wouldn't let things slide, so much as relax your standards.

Say, instead of eating oreo*s* 10 minutes before dinner, they can have ONE. Any more can wait until after dinner. They can have soda with ONE meal, juice, water, or milk (maybe even chocolate milk...) with the rest. Let them stay up an extra 1-3 hours, and sleep in an extra few, but not stay up all night or sleep all day. As far as cleaning up... they have to clean up one activity before moving on to the next. (I can't really relax in a trashed house, so that's one I couldn't really bend too much on...)

Another idea is to provide BETTER alternatives to what the other kids are doing... They are having soda with dinner? Well, your kids are getting fruit smoothies! Healthy, cool, and yummy. It's a win-win. You are leaving at __:__ am to go do something FUN, and if they have been up too late, well, then they will be too tired to come with. How sad! lol. Make them WANT to follow your rules whenever possible. :)

I read your post and addition, but not the other posts. Here's my opinion. This isn't really a vacation. This is different - it's all summer. I couldn't stand what you are doing, really, living with another family for such an extended period, especially when their parenting style is so different, and when the other mom is as laid back as your sister is.

Maybe that makes me rigid in anyone else's view (not something I really care about, to be honest.)

My kids needed scheduled meals, naps and bedtimes. When they no longer needed naps, they STILL needed scheduled bedtimes. One of my kids, in particular. Letting him stay up until midnight became an absolute meltdown and the next day turned him into a little monster. In fact, this same kid went to bed at 9:30 up until he was a sophomore in high school, without me even telling him to. He knew he needed the sleep.

The reason for being at the beach is to enjoy it. It's really hot and the sun is h*** o* kids in the middle of the day. Most folks get up earlier and go out to the beach before it gets real hot, then come in around 11:00, eat lunch, rest, read, play games, work puzzles, have a substantial snack, go back out around 4:00, and then come have dinner around 7:00. Bedtime is around 10:00 after the dishes are clean and the toys put away. Your sister is kind of taking the beach out of the beach. Since she isn't all that interested in enjoying the beach, I have to wonder if her thought of doing this was to have you as a built in babysitter.

Perhaps you are too gracious to actually come out and say that your sister won't say no to this stuff with the kids because she's too lazy to take the heat for saying no. Or, maybe she truly doesn't care about this stuff and she's very permissive at home when it isn't summertime too.

I certainly hope that you aren't being a short-order cook for her family.

I guess I'll tell you that since you are stuck with this and it wouldn't go over well to pack up and go home, to get through this summer as best you can and not do this again. Next year, tell her that you want to split the summer with perhaps a week of overlap, but you should get the first part of the summer and her get the second. (So she won't "forget" about going home when it's your turn.) I would put your kids to bed at a reasonable hour and get up early with them, feed them cereal and go to the beach. If the other crew is waking up as you come in for lunch, feed yours lunch and then enjoy your afternoon. I would be unavailable for taking 5 kids to the beach - I really would. That's just not safe.

Spending dinner time and up until around 10:00 is enough "togetherness". If your sister doesn't like it, she can amend her schedule.

That is what I would have done after the first week if I had found myself in your position.

Good luck,
Dawn

I wouldn't be happy spending a whole summer in this situation.
It's just started and you've got 10-11 weeks to go.
Just tell Sis it's not working out and limit your time with her and her family.
My family is happy with structure, boundaries and routine.
Anarchy brings anger, frustration and unhappiness (not to mention tummy aches and cavities from too much junk food).
Her systems might work for her, but it's not right for everyone.
Just like your system is right for you, but not everyone.
Recognize you and she are different and be ok with it - and move on doing your own thing.
Additional:
I think your sister is on a vacation from parenting.
It's so not fair to you.
Don't be afraid to say 'no' if she's not coming along to watch HER kids.
5 kids is too many to keep an eye on.
We just had a 10 yr old go under in the surf over here and they still have not found the body (there were 5 kids in that group, too).
Saying 'no' in this similar situation might have saved a life.
If that makes you a bad guy - then I LOVE you, Bad Guy!

.

If you've made an agreement to spend the summer with your sis and folks, I'd try to prioritize what you feel strongly on. For example, I might let bedtime go a little later, if it's doable. Not wholly later, but maybe a half-hour or so. I might let an oreo or two slide, but let your kids know that you are still mom and it still matters. You don't need to have that conversation in front of your sis or her kids, (and be aware that it could all get repeated), but be clear with the kids that sometimes it's hard to be a parent, but you as the mom do know what's best for them.

Stay consistent as you can with your own kids, and let your sister do as she wants. Be clear with your sister when her kids have made a mess, and if it were me, if those kids don't want to clean up after themselves, designate some places where they aren't allowed to be (your room, for example, or if your kids have room they are taking care of which isn't shared, let your kids know that they can choose to take group play into the common areas-- that way they can clean up their part of it). Let your kids have a stay-up later night once a week or so, if you want. (Dependent on behavior?)

I wouldn't let everything go, because you will be finishing summer and going back into school routines, but try to figure out where you are going to give wiggle room and what it is that you need to hand back to your sister regarding her kids. Sometimes, in our family group gatherings, my husband or I take Kiddo off to do our own thing when we feel like the way family is spending their time doesn't work for us. (watching inappropriate shows, too much focus on video games, etc--this stuff is beyond our little guy's level.) This way, we aren't really affected and we don't have to give a lot of 'no's to our son.

Tough situation-- good luck.

After reading your update, I'm wondering if your sister is depressed? Is she engaged with her children? Does she cuddle them and read to them at bedtime or let being "relaxed" be an excuse for not doing those things and letting them fall asleep wherever, whenever. Does she let "not being strict" be an excuse for ignoring them a lot? Is letting them eat junk easier than making them healthy meals, grab some chips easier than washing off fruit? Can you ignore the lack of routine and normal rules and just talk to her about being engaged with her children?
If you are not in your house, at Grandma's or a Beach house, then you can "Beach rules" which will not continue when you return home. Call it :beach rules or Vacation rules, to remind the kids it is temporary. They are old enough to understand when you get home its business as usual. Personally I could live with them not cleaning up as much, I could live with more goodies than usuall but I could NOT live with oreos and soda All day! I would let them stay up later IF they are not cranky and miserable the next day. What can you live with? You've had some great ideas here about compromising, one oreo before supper, fruit smoothies instead of soda, make soda from club soda and fruit juice....

I think a little bit of both would be your best compromise.

Try to relax the rules a little on your end and remind your children that it is a special occasion only kind of thing...

...and stand up for the rules that bother you the most...so in essence I say 'pick your battles'.

Whats more important to you? The cleaning up or the drinking soda with every meal? Ya know?

~I know exactly where you are coming from b/c my sister and I are the same as you and yours...I am the 'strict' one and she is the 'lax' one...although, I hardly think I am strict! Ha! My compromises have been: For the teens, they can stay up late and play video games BUT they will be woken up every morning by 10am...so its their choice how much they value their sleep. For the little ones, only 1 soda a day while on vacation (that is WAY more than they ever normally get so its still a treat for them) and 3 snacks a day BUT I make sure at least 1 of them is healthy! The one thing I refused to compromise on was the picking up after yourself...when that many people get together things can get way out of control in the mess department if everyone doesn't pull their own weight...so you better believe I am 'Mean Mommy/Auntie' and on each and everyone of them to pick up after themselves...and I was just honest with my sister about it too, I mean C'mon? What kind of vacation is it for me (or her) if we spend all our time cleaning???

I grew up knowing that we simply were not allowed to do what some of my cousins could. We had fun and hung out together, but that was limited. I knew that I coudl participate in certain activities for so long and then had to do something else. Certain things I did not eat, period. I think that on vacation, you should probably ease up a bit because it's their vacation, too--like let them go to bed a little later--but not with everything. I don't know how difficult it is to tell your kids no, but I will say that as that kid, I learned to accept that I couldn't do everything that every other kid could do. That was just a fact, and I didn't feel left out, because my parents did allow fun. I changed my thinking. Instead fo feeling like an oddball, I just felt like we had a different set of rules, but not different from everyone else in the world. I didn't always understand why my cousins were allowed to run crazy while we weren't, but as I got older, I saw the differences in how we were parented. I think that your kids are well old enough to understand the difference.

Sounds like a long summer with all of you together, some visits are meant to be shorter so you don't get on each others nerves. But, you sound like you are gonna weather it just fine :)

I'd probably do a "temporary thing" leniency wise with my kids (also sit them down and tell them "this is temporary because....") and let them get away with SOME crazy stuff but not ALL of it. The things you CAN live with and put back in force after you get home, do. The things that you expect of them behavior wise, like picking up after themselves, do.

Decide WHERE you can go lenient and feel okay with it and take a little pressure of yourself and your kids. Happy Summer!

ETA after your SWH: When you feel like you just want to take YOUR kids to the beach do not be afraid to tell your neices/nephews "Not this time". In all reality you are teaching you sis and her kids how to treat you and your kids. You are setting an example, maybe your sis NEEDS to see THAT example. Be strong. I sure wish I was at the beach for the summer. Cheers!

I think you're talking about me and my sister. I would say if it is your house, they need to follow your rules more closely and vice versa. I was at my sister's house last year for about 9 days and it almost killed me! Her kids were running around at 10pm (they were 1, 4, and 8) and mine were trying to go to sleep (bed time is 8). Then, mine were up at 7am and her's slept until 10. I would take mine for walks to let her's sleep. By the time her kiddos were up and running 11-ish, mine were ready for lunch and nap. It was a long 9 days...

So sorry! But, stick to your routine/rules!

It sounds like you are not in your own home. When we are away, I relax my rules on non-essential issues like bedtime and meals. Sometimes, I'll remind my kids, OK, you can have oreos before bedtime because we're at your grandmas house. We don't do that at home so enjoy it while you can!

I do, however expect my kids to be polite and respectful no matter where we are or how other kids are acting. Of course, being kids, they will likely challenge you to see how flexible you are willing to be. So I try to make things clear up front with my kids, but figure some things out as I go.

I'm more like your sister, laid back and easy going for the most part. Is there anyway you and your sister could agree on some things? Maybe the food and picking up the toys? One of my sisters doesn't allow her children to watch TV, so when they came to visit, we had the TV off in the living room, but my children were allowed to watch in their rooms. For the most part, all the kids just played together. My older ones, the teenagers 17 and 15 year old, just hung out in their rooms after awhile.

I know being the bad guy isn't the fun part of parenting but we have to do that time to time. Yes, in your children's eyes it's unfair to them. But you are also teaching some great values to your children. Even though I'm more like your sister, I sure wouldn't change the way you are doing things because that's how someone else is doing it. It works for your family. What I always tell my kiddos when they don't like my parenting style, is that they get to make up the rules when they are the parent.

Hugs going out to you!

Are you renting a cabin together somewhere? is this something you can get out of ? A summer vacation is not much fun if you come home totally stressed out. I don't think I could take more than a couple days with my family lol. My kids were like yours. they have chores, healthy food for the most part and rules. they had treats and sluff off days. but those were treats not norm.

My daughter has moved in with us with her children for the summer. She has a completely different parenting style than I do. Something I was not totally aware of. I was peripherally but since we didn't live together it never really was in my face. Now that they are staying here for the summer (waiting on house to empty in another city in September) the kids are here while she is at work. she is a nurse and has different shifts each week. so the kids are with me different nights each week. they are used to staying up til mom gets home or sleeping in til noon. they don't do house work grandma mom does that. they get in the fridge and get what they want. they are not bad but are used to doing for themselves food wise as she works sometimes 3rd shift and they tiptoe around in the mornings. they shower only when made to etc.

so now they have moved in with us. which means dinner at same time each night, baths before bed, bed at same time each night. chores assigned to each kid cause hey we all live her and all make the mess. they get allowance which they love. jobs which they hate. lol I don't put up with the backtalk which is always way worse after a weekend with dad. My daughter says let them stay up. I won't as we have to get up at 530 am. She says leave them home in the mornings when I go to work and she will be there within an hour and I say no lol.

so all those things need to be gone over and if it can't work. take your kids and leave. I wouldn't let a lifetime of training go down the tubes because of someone else s lifestyle.

I have a similar situation when we get with my brothers family but the oposit. Does not sound like I am quite as bad as your sister and I do expect my kids to do some stuff. We just do our own thing and let your kids know you are their mother and they are to obey your rules. I would laugh at my brother if he or his wife tired to tell me to handle my children differently. They tried years ago to make my boys wear shirts when playing outside or in the water and I put a stop to that. Just cause their girls couldn't take theirs off they thought my boys shouldn't.

Somewhere this whole issue never got discussed before you decided to spend the whole summer together! What was everyone thinking?

If it were just a week, I'd say "beach rules" and just live with it, but if this is the whole summer, you are never going to get your kids back on a schedule. I'd give in on the bedtimes unless there's something special going on the next day, but not relax entirely on the nutrition. Maybe weekends can be junkier? It would seem that your sister could compromise on some things. Maybe be flexible on meal times but not so much on meal contents?

I find it hard to believe that your sisters kids have no structure at all and no nutrition at all, and then can manage in school and have decent medical check-ups. There has to be some ability to function with authority figures, and they can't all be obese and diabetic, right?

So maybe you can loosen up a bit, and get her to compromise. I know you want structured play dates, but one of the joys of summers/vacations is that kids just DO stuff without being over-scheduled and over-organized. You could still limit TV/video games but let them wing it on activities, finding things to do with the cousins. Kids today don't really know how to PLAY or be creative because everything is planned for them.

You could also have some separate family days, where you take your kids someplace and she does something else with her kids. But also switch it up a bit so you can each get to know each other's kids better, and give the grandparents some time.

Perhaps balance the letting it go with rules - if you're not at home, pick a few things to "let go" on and like Nancy W. says, reinforce with the "enjoy it while you can" so they never forget that this is vacation and that things will be back to normal at home. Like let the bedtime stuff go - it's vacation - BUT, if they're tired, remind them that they CHOSE to stay up late and the result is the consequence of their decision. Re. the food - 1 cup of soda, but water for the rest of the meal; fruit/veggies - keep that up cause there's no reason to stop that. Oreo's 10 minutes before - ok kids, you can have 2, but that's it so you don't spoil dinner. I tell my 5 year old he's doing great when he eats his veggies cause he's chosing a balanced diet and making his body strong. He thinks that's cool. Maybe throw facts into the mix when you're reinforcing your rules so your kids understand and the other kids maybe pick something worthwhile : )

Don't expect the same routines, while you have the combined summer time together.
Will this be in your house??? Or they live nearby you and thus that is what you mean by "we decided to spend the summer together..." or are you all taking a trip together?

It seems stressful when, as you said, both families spend extended time together. So, is the spending the summer together, a "have to?" Or you don't have to?

Next: your kids are 6 and 9. AHEAD of time, and before you are all combined... you NEED to sit your kids down and have a conversation. I do this with my kids all the time, they are 5 & 9. But anyway, TELL your kids and EXPLAIN to them, that all families are different. They should know that by now. And that, just because other kids are doing something or eating something or acting a certain way... it does NOT mean, that it is "okay" or "correct" or "better", than them. And stress to your kids... that they are their own person... and that being "followers" just because other kids are doing something, does not mean that they "copy" and that others... think for them. THEY can think for themselves.
Teach them that people live differently... but that they think for themselves and per how you are all a family.
You teach, kids that. I've been teaching my kids that for awhile now. So they can think on their own, and make their own decisions. Not just by majority rules or by what other kids are doing. Because, that is not always the best way.

Anyway, well you all decided to spend the summer together.
So, typical routines, WILL BE, affected. It is just a given.
And, just because you don't let your kids drink soda... it does not make you a "mean" Aunty or parent. I don't even let my kids drink soda.
But again... you all decided to spend the summer together... so, your rules for your kids/family will be affected... it may be irritating, but the loosey-goose relatives/kids... will be the ones that will seem "funner."
But so you tell your kids, ahead of time... they may be allowed more leeway... BUT it is not permanent. It is just special. BUT... they NEED TO ASK YOU FIRST. Just have manners about it... not just being rude about it. And to mind their manners. Not be cave-men about it. LOL
If they are respectful, and they have manners about it all and ask you first politely and show some respect for the fact that they are allowed to do things/eat other things like their cousins, then at least be nice about it, to Mommy.
Have a talk with them, BEFORE all of the combined-summer-together happens.

AND MAKE SURE, that you explain to your kids, that this is NOT permanent. They STILL have their same routines at home.

Whether it is a loosey-goosey family and their influence, or influences at school with other kids... you TEACH your kids... that being a copy-cat is not the "smartest" way. So that they can think for themselves and DISCERN situations.

You cannot, just keep to only your routines, when you are all together. It just ain't gonna happen.
But so have that talk, with your kids.
That is what I do.
And my kids understand.

The problem you have is:
They make you out to be the "mean" Aunty/Mom.
And your Sister and the rest of the family, call you too "rigid."
And the other problem is: that you ALL agreed to spend the summer together. I would not do that personally.
Is this going to be every darn day???
No one will be able to relax, and it seems "you" will be the one to keep things organized. Not your Sister. She is not parenting. And yes, you WILL have to pick up, HER SLACK.
Seems like a vacation for your sister, and you babysitting your AND her kids.
Not fun.
I would not agree to spend the summer together.
I personally, would NOT want to spend, every darn day, 24/7, with them.
I would go, crazy.

I say you should talk to your sister again. Tell her that you are willing to loosen the rules a bit but you need her help. You can't have your kids be completely off rules and routines ALL summer and expect their good behavior at the end. If you are spending the summer together, it should be just her rules (or lack there of) but rather a mixed bag/happy medium. Ask her to help you establish some common ground rules. You don't say how old the kids are so here are a few that come to mind...no veggies ?fine but you must at least try them (one bite is all) with at least two or three meals, you want oreos? You can have them with or after the meal, you want soda? ok with one meal a day or split it with one of the other kids (if they want it) or space one out throughout the day. You don't want to clean up as you go, that's fine but at the end of the day, plan accordingly to straighten up before bath/bed.

If she isn't willing to compromise, remind her that she too is being too rigid about her lack of rules. If that doesn't work, I say limit your time...share time after breakfast but before dinner (that way, you only share basically a work day and one meal rather than two or three).