Family Time-Discipline & Behavior

I have two suggestions -- either of which MIGHT help - or might not.

Try a ''penalty job''' --- lets' say the 8 year old misbehaves and 'messes up'' an hour time for the whole family. So he then owes the family an hour penalty job. It could be vacuuming, washing counters, scrubbing the floors- picking up pinecones in the yard- raking grass.
Then -- if he spends 30 minutes doing what YOU two parents agree is 10 minutes of work- he still owes the family 50 minutes before he is back in possession of tv time- computer time- etc. --- I also with my middle child- said ''sorry, Daniel-- if the 60 minutes of vacuuming is not done by 5pm tonight- then you will owe us TWO hours- because I don't want you to drag this out. ''

My other invention was a 'penalty letter' == I required the child to write down what happened- what mistake the child made - and what he can do next time to avoid the problem.

Just keep at it-- you are the adults and the source of everything he wants - -hang in there.

Blessings,
J.-- aka- old Mom

It looks like your son needs one-on-one daddy time. Just tell him how, when and where he can have it. There is nothing wrong with this demand, the boys need that. To me it sounds like you are punishing him for loving his dad? May be you need to put more details to your question. Good luck!

It's hard to know without more details, but it sounds like your son is just desperately needing some bonding time with his dad. So desperately so, that he's taken to measures beyond what he would normally do (??) to get it. I don't know if his being disrespectful to you is just him preferring his dads time and stating so (in which case it's not coming from a disrespectful place, it's just being clear about his needs), or if he's talking back or saying mean things, which he could be doing because he feels that you are not respecting his needs to spend time with his father. If it's the latter, then I suggest talking to him about the situation, and having his "punishment" be something along the lines of what Judy stated below. If it's just being clear about wanting to spend time with his dad, and that's hurting your feelings, then that's not fair to him to call that disrespectful. It sounds like this is a critical time for his growth and for whatever reason, dad is who he's needing to be with for this phase. I would support this and encourage his father to take some time with him (just one on one), even if it's just for short bits at a time. Even if you are punishing him for how he’s handling it, I do suggest giving him this time, or it could be damaging to him and cause more issue’s in the future. There will certainly be other times in his life where you will be the one he needs more. He needs support and guidance (and effective punishments if he's truly being disrespectful), and to understand how to handle these situations respectfully.

Again, it's hard to know what's really going on with such limited info though. I truly wish you the best of luck with everything.

I read your post and have lots of questions...

Can you give a specific example of HOW this looks? Like, what is the activity? Who all is there? What is the expectation for him? What does he do instead?

What is the expectation for you AND your husband? Is it the same? In other words, does he get mixed messages?

What about your husband? Does your son perhaps resent the fact that he's been home with you all summer and he wished to have more time with dad? Is there a way they can have a weekend alone before school starts? Maybe if he can start a weekend day with just Dad (breakfast together, trip to the hardware store, car wash, etc.), that will help. It sounds from the very basic information you gave, that he really just wants to be with his dad-- he might not have the words to express it gently to you and his sibling, so he takes over in his own way. THEN, he's getting YOUR attention too! Kids are clever, this might very well feel like a game or competition with you and the reward is attention and time with dad. It's easy as a grown-up to look at it as a very negative thing, but he is still learning social constructs (including family dynamics) and needs GUIDANCE in addition to the consequences to make appropriate choices.

Maybe once he's back to school and with his friends, a more structured day, etc., he'll mellow out... Ask his teacher after school has been in session for about 3-4 weeks if he tries to dominate social situations the same way? It may just be part of his personality to "take over" and if he has guidance on how to do it appropriately, and not ignore others, this could be positive for him.

I definitely agree that more information is needed....it does sound like your son needs some Daddy time. I've also heard from friends that 8-10 years old is a very common time when boys practically idolize their fathers.....I think it has to do with gender identification....bottom line is "its normal".

However, it is definitely not appropriate for him to be disrespectful to you or anyone else in the family for that matter. In our family, we do lots of talking when inappropriate behavior happens. I usually ask why he's doing what he's doing. He either has an answer or he doesn't. I then explain what I want him to do in the future....I usually also explain why what he is doing is wrong. I also ask "would you like me to treat you the way you are treating me?" He usually says "no" and I know he "gets it". If he blows me off or giggles while we're talking or in any way lets me know that he thinks its a big joke, I say "fine" and then the next time he needs or asks me for anything, I look him right in the eye and say "no" and when he complains or gets mad I say (as calmly as possible) "I don't do nice things for boys who are disrespectful to me". This technique has never failed me....but it does require patience.

If this were my situation, I would set very clear boundaries with my ds. I would set aside specific time for him to have a "daddy date" that is just the two of them. But outside that time, he would need to understand that it is no excuse to be rude or throw fits about having to "share his daddy."

I would also suggest you and your dh discuss this so you are on the same page, then make sure dh is in on the boundaries discussion. Kids need to know parents are a united team, and needs to understand that dh will not allow anyone (even his children) to do anything that would disrespect you. I understand if ds needs time with daddy, but that should not trump your relationship with dh- it should come first. If your relationship is not solid, there can be no foundation to build the rest of the relationships in the family on.

Good luck,
J.