Family Events with Divorced Grandparents

Actually, I am very familiar with this situation since my parents are divorced and have been since I was 2 and they still don't like each other. What we do is we have one party send out the invites and those that come great and those that don't miss out. I cannot spend my time worrying about everyone else when I am only responsible for myself and my family. I cannot be held responsible for everyone elses actions or feelings. I know this sounds harsh but it is the way that it needs to be, in my opinion.

My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried. It's a pain but we only do one party, not individual stuff for each grandparent. I have told my mother several times that the party is for the kids and if she can't forget about the past for a couple of hours a few times a year (we have 3 boys, 3 parties a year) then she didn't have to come. I understand it must be difficult for her, with what they went through, but she doesn't have to speak to him or even be in the same room with him when she's here. For Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter we do them all twice so I'm no help there. Actually we do Christmas 3 times because my in-laws live out of state so we travel to see them on Christmas then come back and do it twice more with each of my parents.

my IL's are divorced...they have been for a long time and this is still an issue,....

I started having one party, because I was basically tired of catering our life to their choices...

It's definately NOT your responsibility to cater to them not getting along well. They are adults and should be able to recognize their differences and get along for one afternoon to celebrate their grandaughter's birthday! This celebration is NOT about them... it's about your daughter! Don't worry about who will or won't come. Invite who you want and let them sort it out between themselves. And as far as holidays... it can get hairy with so many to celebrate with. The best I can suggest is taking turns each year who you celebrate with for which holiday. You and your husband should talk about this for future years and figure out your plan and stick with it. It's too stressful to be celebrating ONE holiday 3 different times! And even though parents/grandparents may be dissapointed at first if it's not "their year" to have you there, I think they understand how stressful it can be to be toting around kids to several different places during the holidays! Good luck!

I would invite everybody and hope they can act like adults. My husbands parents are divorced, When our niece graduated a year ago. They we're able to put by-gones aside and celebrate her special day together with their repected spouses. As for the holidays, we spend Thanksgiving with his dad and step-mom and Christmas at home with just the kids. (His mother and her husband live in Texas.)

I would send invitations out to both grandparents. If they can't put aside their differences to celebrate their granddaughters birthday that is their problem, not yours. I've seen newly divorced grandparents at their grandkid's birthday parties and they just stay clear of each other. I should think they should be able to handle it for a few hours for the sake of their grandchild.

Better get used to it. My husband's parents are divorced AND his mother is remarried. I don't know how you lucked out being the one to host all the family gatherings, for us, both of his parents host their own holiday gatherings and force my dh and his siblings to choose one over the other, OR we all just suffer a very long day of having to go to both to avoid an all out war of affections.

It is soo bad that if we (dh, siblings and their spouses and kids) are even late to the other parent's house, or too full to wolf down an entire second meal, all hell breaks out. It's a minute by minute torture for everyone because we have to walk on eggs all year round.

If the new hubby and my dh's father accidentally cross paths it's really horrible.

There is no way to placate anyone in a situation like this. No one dares to volunteer to host a party or get together. Doing so would make you enemy number one on both sides.

For us, we "go away" for the holidays...and just secretly get together with each parent at a time very removed from any holidays, birthdays etc. Sadly, for the entire extended family holidays have lost their meaning and appeal. We have worked to make our own private time at home special and try to remove ourselves from the madness as much as possble.

I know this doesn't answer the question of what to do in those "must come together" situations like a funeral or wedding where all sides MUST come together. For us, we all have to suck it up and work really hard to keep all parties apart as much as possible...which is impossible... and just expect a horrible month of anger and lashing out to ensue until they all get it out of their systems. We made the mistake of inviting "everyone" for our first child's baptism. It was absolutely horrid. When our second came along, we had a private one with no reception or anything! Boy was that the way to go!

In the case of your daughter's party...do you really need to have the entire family present? Something like that, I'd keep between me and dh and make it a private thing...just to avoid the brouhaha. The grandparents can send gifts in the mail or come on a different day on their own for a visit.

Sad isn't it?

Marriage is hard work...hence the 50% divorce rate in the US. Of course the first 10 years are a piece of cake, but when you hit the 15-20 year range, it takes work. I would suggest doing whatever you would want your daughter to do if you and your husband were separated and the scenario happened.

My parents and my husbands parents are divorced and are all remarried. My Parents get along and have for many years... his on the other hand not so much. We have one party and everyone is welcome, if they cant be adult enough for a few hours to show their grandson how much they love him, well then their loss. Other holidays are crazy because we have to got to all the different families, but we are learning to adapt and get creative now that we have a little one. I hope that everything works out and goes smooth for your family. But just remember to have lots of fun and enjoy your little girl!