Family Drama - Walnut Creek,CA

Good Morning L.,

Here goes:

*My mother and grandmother are good people

*I was beaten by my mother and psychologically tortured and humiliated by my grandmother.

*I do appreciate them for raising me relatively normal

You are a bundle of nerves and contradictions. I believe it is right that we “honor our father and mother” and help with family when it’s possible. In your situation it is clear that you are unable to do this while your mother and grandmother are under your roof. They must be relocated and soon!

*My husband and I have been supporting them for many years now.

This indicates that you and your husband may have the means to have your mother and grandmother live elsewhere. Do your mother and grandmother have any income such as pensions and/or social security?

*They took over my kitchen

If they are able to do their own food preparation perhaps you could find a one-bedroom apartment, do the grocery shopping (so they have proper nutrition), and check in on them by phone and in person a few times a week. Take them to doctor appointments and have them over for lunch or dinner occasionally and the holidays.

If you are unable to do shopping and appointments, you can pay someone who specializes in eldercare.

If they cannot be on their own, they should be in an assisted living arrangement.

*I snap, She cries

*I feel inconvenienced, irritated, and unappreciated.

*I do believe they are not my fault, and she is the problem

*I am afraid that after our argument they’ll either die or commit suicide

When you relocate your mother and grandmother there will be anger, resentment and tears from everyone for a while. These emotions are not new to you or them and so far no one has committed suicide. I don’t know how old your mom and grandmother are, but the reality is they will probably die before you unless you worry yourself to death over your current situation and not take any action.

When you see your mom and grandmother once and a while, you may feel more like giving them hugs, kisses and other acts of affection and kindness.

I know it is difficult caring for aging parents especially when you feel that you were wronged or mistreated as a child. This has spilled over into your adult life and is very unhealthy. You and your husband are obviously kind and considerate people to have taken on the task of caring for your mom and grandmother and trust me will be blessed for this.

Many of us have people in our lives that we love but don’t like sometimes. When this is the situation, it is best that we love them from a distance.

Please keep us posted and most of all take care of you. You will be in my prayers along with your family.

Blessings……

Hi L.,

This is one of those "Lean not to thine own understanding moments in life."

I have a longer response because I have a similar yet different family circumstance. Still, I need to pray on this one becuse it just hits to close to home.

Additonally, I'm sure you have the thoughts and prayers of many Mama's on our site.

God bless your for honoring your family...it can be really hard, hurtful, frustrating and worse...I will write you agian...tomorrow.

Blessings.....

3 moms found this helpful

Hi L.!
I've read all the others and agree with mst of what they say. What does your husband say about this?
There are good senior apartments that some one is there to help with emergencies all the time. The rent is usually 1/3 of their income. They are government subsidized. There are people who are paid by the government to do "chores" i.e. housework,make meals, most anything they need. Your mother and grandmother would be assigned a certain number of hours a week, and the choreworkers would use those. Usually they want to get double(one hour of work equals two hours). The best ones do this to get paid a little more. That is how it used to work, I'm not sure how it does in this economy.
Have you ever tried calling their bluff? They aren't going to move out on the street and be homeless!Do you really think they will? Sounds like they have it too cushy there. Call their bluff.Turn it right back on them. One thing I was told a long time ago, my parents were abusive also, is that first off they are human beings, secondly they happen to be your parents. You don't have to buy into their drama.You aren't obligated to be their whipping post.They have no respect for you. Don't get pulled into their little games. I wish I could say the right thing to get you out of this, but I don't know what to say. Be strong!
Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

L. - I am not trying to be harsh, but you need to do what is right and healthy (physically and emotionally) for your, your husband and your child. Assuming you can still afford to support Mom and Grandma, find them an apartment very near by and cook for them a few times a week. Visit regularly but at YOUR convenience. They will not change, it is up to you to control how much they affect your daily life. My sympathies for this tough situation. Good Luck
V.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, L.! This is a really tough situation. I think it would help you to talk this over with a counselor (your work or your husband's work may pay for this - a lot of companies have membership in an employee assistance type plan, if your health insurance won't cover it). You may also want to call a social worker with the County health department and see what elder care resources are available.

Even though this living situation is better for your mother and grandmother, it sounds like it's worse for you. Bottom line is, if you are stressed out and unhappy, then the situation needs to change one way or another. If your mother and grandmother don't have the money to live on their own, then there may be some type of assistance programs available that would take the strain off of you. I don't think it's okay for people to expect their grown children to bail them out, when the adults weren't really there for them when they were children. But it's tough, I know in some small way you still feel like you're obligated to help. And now that they're in your house, it will be big drama to move them out again... I feel for you. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds to me like you brought this mess on yourself due to your guilt feelings. Move your relatives into an apartment, and if they need help give it to them --- but DO NOT let them move back into your house and take over your life! Also, start seeing a counselor about your relationship with them, and your feelings of guilt, ASAP.

1 mom found this helpful

First, take a nice deep breath and repeat after me, "my mother and grandmother are responsible for their own happiness".

Second, get some counseling for yourself (and them if you can get them to go).

Third, take a nice deep breath and repeat after me, "my mother and grandmother are responsible for their own happiness".

Fourth, look into assisted living facilities/communities. Not neccesarily nursing homes, but communities that will still give them independence but have someone on call 24/7 should the need arise. Along with this check into what kind of help they might get for it from social security or social services or such.

Fifth, take a nice deep breath and repeat after me, "my mother and grandmother are responsible for their own happiness".

Right now that's the best I can come up with. YOU need peace and not to be manipulated. Your child needs a happy mommy who isn't being manipulated. And your mom and grandma need their own space to be who they are without harming themselves or others.

Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for you and them.

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
I feel for you. It is obvious in your post that you don't want to repeat the harm and control that your mother and grandmother have over you for your own child. I commend you for changing your ways. I understand that you have guilt, remorse, etc and feel the 'need' to provide for your mother and grandmother, but it is not your responsibility. My husband grew up as an only child, and had similar feelings toward his mother as you do. The 'need' to provide for her, but honestly, this is YOUR life. If they want to live their life the way they have, then that is their problem, not yours. The counselor will tell you the same thing! Assist them in finding an alternate place to live, and restore peace to your way of life for you, your husband and your child. You have your own family now, and it is your responsibility to provide for them. Remember how you were raised, and prevent your child from having those feelings. Seek counseling...it does a world of difference. You create your own happiness, and your mother and grandmother create their own. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

L.,

I am so proud of you! You are trying to NOT remain that precious little girl and are attempting to stand up for yourself...........

I believe THEY said it best....only the grave can change them. Honey, you cannot change anyone. THEY are responsible for THEMSELVES, and as much as you love them, you are NOT responsible for their safety and happiness.

Save yourself........get a good therapist to talk to, and ask them to leave. You do not want to put your family through everything you went through as a little girl.

You are certainly not obligated to pay their way through life! You owe them nothing from the past. In my opinion, you are a strong woman who made her own life different from her past, and that is to be commended. YOU are trying to change the "circle of life".....and they are still stuck there.

It's time for some peace in your life.......they will make the life they CHOOSE to make on their own.

Hang in there, L.....

~N. :O)

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
You, as a child, deserve to be raised in a safe environment and it doesn't sound as though you were, physically or emotionally. Honey, you do not have to withstand the pain that you are putting yourself through and the sacrifices that your immediate family is making because these two abusive women don't have the ability to make it on their own. You sound as though you are really wrapped up in a lot of guilt and what you are "supposed" to do. You are supposed to take care of yourself and your child, first. You don't want your child to learn by example how you act around your mother and grandmother. I would suggest speaking to a counselor to work through the long term issues that you are struggling with and I would move out the mother and grandmother.
I wish you the best and I hope you are able to stand up for your own comfort, peace and happiness. I do have the contact of a wonderful counselor in Cameron Park, if you'd like her information, just ping me.

First of all I want to give you a big hug for being such an outstanding mother. You have been through a lot and your life is just now becoming full circle. It is time that you think about yourself and your family so one day your daughter/son is not sitting here with the same feelings that you have. They have guilted you into being the way you are but it time for them to move on. Yes, you may be able to give them great care but they may have better care somewhere else. You also should seek counseling to help with some of your issues and resentment and to help you to continue a long healthy life for your own family. Good Luck, stay strong and God Bless you and your family!

wow that is heavy L.,

I can relate a little with you, my mother is controlling and also very emotional. I would suggest that you seek some outside help for yourself to be able to understand the dynamics and how you can best deal with this situation. I have learned to have serious talks with my mother and i myself not get emotional when i talk to her. Even though she sometimes says things like if you don't do x then i am not going to do x. She likes to get her way-very emmature of her. yes, we need to respect our parents, but they also need to respect us. the choices they make are not because of us, but what THEY decide to do. Remember no one MAKES you do anything, you are the one who makes the choice of going a positive way or going into a negative way or mood or sucidal thoughts. You need to make a decision that will be good for you and your marriage, you do not what you children around that type of environment and emotions because they do pick up on that. I will pray for you and your family, but right now you need to take care of yourself.

You and your husband and child deserve some peace. I agree with some of the others that your mother and grandmother should find another place to live. You can still take care of them by checking in on them. You feel so obligated to help them but you should help yourself first. They are manipulating you and you sound miserable for it. They know what kind of person you are and it sounds like they are taking your kindness and sense of familial obligation for weakness. You are not the problem here because they are the ones who refuse to change. I wish you the best.

L. - You nailed it on the head....you ARE NOT a little girl anymore and the tables have changed. DO NOT let your mother or grandmother make you feel guilty for being who you are now. They should be grateful that you are giving them a home and taking care of them. If they have threatened to move out and live on the streets call their bluff and say go ahead. It will not be your fault believe me especially if you were raised the way you were raised and still have a happy family life with your husband and child and have opened your doors to them more than likely out of guilt.

You deserve happiness and do not need to be brought down by two controlling women who should thank their lucky stars you are there to provide a roof over their heads, but not there to be a slave and revert back to the old days. Let them know you love them, but this is your home and if they can not respect that then they need to make other arrangements. You can't live your life feeling guilty nor letting them make you feel guilty.

Just to let you know I am in a similar situation with my mother, but she is very grateful for me being there for her. She comes and stays on the weekends and once we buy a house she will move in and sell her house. As we grow older we all do irritating things and the roles do reverse as I see it now and we children become the parent, but what you are going through should not be happening and only you can stop it because from the sounds of it....they need to told to accept the fact they are in YOUR house and will NOT be allowed to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home or there is the door. Call their bluff and if it is not a bluff then they may be just mean enough to survive.

BE HAPPY!!!!

Roxy

You're doing the right thing. I know it isnt' easy but hang in there. It sounds like you could all benefit from some psychological help. Why not try getting some counseling together as a family unit then you could go see a psychologist yourself to help you with your issues and to give you tools to help you deal with them in a healthy manner. I wish you luck!

Wow! OMG, that's a lot to deal with-too much!!! Most importantly you need to get a good therapist. Remember you have to take care of you to be able to take care of your family right. Sweetie, with your background-get theraphy-I can relate. I understand your position, however they are grown and you have your family to take care of...easier said than done but you have to practice some tough love and give them a set time that they have to move out. And don't make it too long, because you are hurting yourself with this stress!!! Maybe 30 days. Remember they don't want to change, there really isn't much you can do, they have to want it. My story is too long to get into, but my father would never change. He lost everything-his family, my mom,etc. and still didn't change and then suffered a massive heart attack and died a year and half later. It changed our lives! I'm still dealing with it, but my daughter deserves my all and I deserve a good life as well. SO DO YOU! God bless you.

L.,
I just had to respond to you because you sounded so sad and frustrated with your situation. I am just a stranger, but I'll tell you what I think! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHERS HAPPINESS.
In fact you couldn't make them happy even if you gave up your life to yourself, your husband and child and completely devoted everything to them.

You have got to get them out of your house. If they live somewhere else, anywhere else, you could actually enjoy visiting them or having them come to dinner or for a short visit. Do it! You have felt guilty for long enough.
They will always try to make you feel guilty, even thoght you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have not let them down.
They will not change, but you can. You can take charge of your life and your husband and child will appreciate you for it. You go girl!!! P.

L., you sound like a terrific daughter and granddaughter. Living with another generation can be difficult--I remember when my grandmother lived with us for three years my parents fixed up a little apartment for her, so she didn't eat with us except on special occasions. Still, it was extremely stressful.

Can you possibly do some family counseling, preferably with all of you, but just for you if necessary? Can you get them to go to a day program, even just once a week? Or church? There is also a book, called "Toxic Parents", I think, which has been very helpful to my best friend and another friend, both of whom had awful mothers.

I truly hope things get better for you.

My parents were in the same position you are in right now. My grandmother was a miserable person, and wanted everyone around her to be that way, too. Once she couldn't live on her own, my dad and two of his siblings split time having her live with them. By the time she died, two of those siblings (including my dad) had told her she wasn't welcome back in their house. As my dad's the oldest and felt the most responsible, this was VERY difficult for him. But, he couldn't allow the toxicity to be in the house anymore, nor could he allow how he and my mom were treated. Had my grandmother survived her time at my aunt's she would then have been put in a home.

You have a husband and a child. I agree you need to stop the cycle and not expose your family to what's going on. Your mom and grandmother are GROWN UPS. They are CHOOSING to behave the way they are and have told you as much. And why should they change? What they are doing is working - they are controlling you. Only you can stop the cycle.

Good luck!

Dear L.,
How about family consoling and/or individual? Family therapy could be a safe place to work things out with your family. while individual might give you the strength and "tools" to figure out do what you need to do, then do whatever that is!

I wish I could give you a hug! It sounds like they have and will always work with you by manipulation because you continue to allow it. I don't think if you set boundaries and give them a choice (as you would your children or they did to you as a child) its YOUR FAULT what they decide to do with THEIR CHOICE and you should be able to feel free in that. I think their choice needs to be, "Look this is my house and my rules now. I lived by your rules my entire life but now you are affecting me which affects my family as well. Seeing as though you are my family i'd hope you'd want wants good for your children and great granchildren and you need to learn to "behave" and be respectful. My rules allow as such: Be in the kitchen during these times. i need this day just with my family to do our stuff and give 100% attention to my children so they grow up knowing their mom loves them as well. You need to treat me like this...etc..." They laid down the rules now you take control back. You are being controlled and allowing this to happen. If they threaten you they'll move out and live in the street its their scare tactic. LET THEM! You provided what they needed and took excellent care of them but how are you going to care for your children if you are in the hospital because stress took its toll on you finally. God gave us life to take care of us first, family second and so on and so forth. I understand you are feeling stuck between and rock and a hard place but it sounds like you are allowing that to happen. Tell them assisted living is your next option if they can't respect you and your feelings. Do they care about your feelings as much as you are caring about theirs? Is this the cycle that needs to be broken? I'd sincerely suggest you speak to a therapist about this because this would definitely be a very challenging situation. SURE what i say sounds strong and well but executing i think anyone would feel challenged.

I wish you the best! I feel terrible when I hear stuff like this.

I had a best friend when I was in high school that her mom used to haul off and hit her, pull her hair out, etc when she was pissed because my friend was weak. I told her the only way to stop it is to take her control back, stand up to her and fight her back. She was big enough and did just that. Didnt' hit her mom but told her she would if she hit her again. Today they are pretty good friends because my friend took the control back from her mother at the age she should have. I hope this helps???

Once again...SO SORRRY!!! I wish i could do it for you.
Maybe your husband can help stand behind you and tell them its not working and he wants his HAPPY WIFE BACK?

Set boundaries. See a therapist. Let go of the guilt. Forgive yourself (but honestly I dont think there is much you need to forgive in yourself!)

Is a more-separate in-law quarters possible (ie a kitchenette in their living quarters)? Or relocation?

Family counseling? Or at the very least a church member/pastor who can visit with you all often?

You NEED to take care of yourself. Yes you also need to take care of them - so far as you are able to. It is wonderful that you do. Don't lose that wonderful part of yourself, or sacrifice it due to their badgering and stifling of you by having them living in your home.

What does your husband say?

HUGS!! Hope you figure something out quickly, and can find someone who can talk to you (and maybe your mom/gma as well) on a regular basis (therapist or other wise person)

Dear L.:

Do you live near a good senior center or adult day care center? Avenidas in Palo Alto or Little House in Menlo Park, CA. They do have places in most cities where adults can go during the day for classes, activities or just socializing. They may resist going but it would be good for them to have other interests and for you to have your home to yourself. Charges are on an ability to pay for adult day care. (not your ability, but theirs)

Also these places often have social workers who are skilled in family therapy and can help the three of you (or the four of you if your husband wants to be a part of it) can talk about the present vs the past and how to live together and meet each others needs.

Just as it is hard to express living feelings when they are not genuine, sometimes they become more genuine by being expressed. You may have noticed that when things are stressful with your husband, hugging and kissing and even making love can help get your feelings back to where you want them to be. Maybe if you could just hug your mama who is missing physical expressions of affection more than you (since you have a husband and child) she might feel and behave in a more living manner after being reassured of your friendly feelings. She and your grandmother are probably just as scared as you used to be when you were little since indeed the table have turned.

This is a hard time to go through, but there is help available and you should find some good affordable help. Blessings on your family. It is so good of you and your husband to take these elders into your little family. I hope it can be fixed so it will work out for good for all five of you!!

N.

Dear L.,

I'm so sorry that you are put into this situation by them. Several thoughts--we teach people how to treat us by allowing it and not setting clear boundaries. What is this doing to your own heath and inner peace? How is this effecting your husband and child? At what cost is this continuing? You have been put into a codependent relationship with your Mom and Grandmother from day one, and it's clearly not a healthy place to be. It's perfectly fine and advisable for you to put your foot down. This is your home and your family (husband and child) and your life. You don't have to let anyone into it that is not worthy of being there. You don't 'owe' them anything. You should have them in your home and in your life only if it makes you happy and enriches you.. Please get some counseling for yourself...they can join you later if they choose and if you want them there. Many health insurances cover this.

I wish you peace and strength. One good gauge on how to deal with any given situation is this; ask yourself what you would do if someone were treating your child this way. What advice would you give to them? Then listen carefully and honestly. Good luck!

Looks like you took the first big step-identifing what you don't want. Now...start imagining what you do want! Then take these other ladies advice and make it happen! You have every right to be happy. No one is responcible for your happiness but you.

L.,
They are very manipulative. They have worked at you like an alcoholic does its prey. What happened to them is not your fault and you do not need to take the blame, nor should you take the burden for them. They need to own up to their own faults and take care of things. Can they get public assistance? Food stamps or anything to help them get a place of their own? I know it's not a pretty life, but your child needs an adult who is stable and normal. Maybe you should consider going to counseling to help you deal with all of this? I truly would hate to see your child taken away because one of them beat him/her like they did you. Please take these things into consideration.
W. M.

Wow. One way or the other, I think they should NOT be living in your house. If they want to get dramatic, then let them. Give them a timeline and just let them make decisions. If you have a pastor or clever friends who can hook them up with ideas for living arrangements, then that would be kind of you.

THese people have had all the time in their lives to do things differently, and you've given them nore than enough chances. Tell them (politely) that it's 'my way or the highway'. Really - you have to protect your own family from all of this silliness nd selfness. Let them disown you - what does it matter? By letting them go, you could be doing them a favor - the favor of reality and letting them grow up.

I would make sure that they have non-homeless options, and tehn it's up to them to choose.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU - be strong and protect your family!!! They need you to!!

M.

My opinion is you need to move them out. It is obvious that this is not healthy for you or your family. You have a child now that you need to think about. This is not a good environment for your child to be raised. Can you afford a home for them, like a retirement place or nursing home? I say get them out ASAP before they cause mental issues for you and your child.

Dear L.,

Your story is very heart filled. It's obvious you love your mother and grandmother very much. It takes a lot to dedicate your life to seeing the well being of your entire family. Obviously they way they lived was hurting you, and through your own personal growth and development, you have evolved to WANT a better lifestyle for yourself, thus wanting it for your mother and grandmother.

However, being the good daughter is wearing on you. It's hard to know your own needs when you're just providing the basic needs for other people. Sounds like you're finally getting in touch with your "NEEDS" which can take a life time for many people to realize.

I also think you're doing some work here on a deeper level. It's a process I call "Picking up the Pieces." This is when you go back into a situation and compare and contrast what was the PAST and what is the NOW, and how you want to evolve into your FUTURE. You begin to pick up what was missing in your own consciousness from a child's perspective and from your filter of pain and sorrow. It seems you're beginning to change your perspectives which in itself will support and clean out any family baggage you might have otherwise brought into your family now. It's a GOOD process and it can be painful, however the REWARDS are great for you, for your children, for your relationship with your husband, and believe it or not, for your mother and grandmother.

The HEART of the Family Patterns is BOUNDARIES. You can see a diagram here at www.familypatterns.com It seems now that you're ready to SET boundaries. When we set boundaries for ourselves, they are automatically GOOD for everyone. Sometimes it just takes a little time before the other people realize what's GOOD for you=IS GOOD FOR EVERYONE.

I would recommend to start thinking of how you're going to set some boundaries with your mother and grandmother. Set a time frame that they will need to move out. Let them know that you love them very much and that you would love to have them over for dinner all the time and still visit with them weekly, however, now you want to have some family space as a mother, and wife to your family. If you set the boundaries in LOVE vs. pent up anger, you will release the Family Pattern you've worked so hard to change on the inside with all your personal growth and development. If you pent up the anger and frustration you will repeat the pattern and not gain ALL the LEARNINGS from this process (letting them move into your house and take over).

Essentially, since they moved in, you've learned a lot about yourself and your perspectives. You let them move in IN LOVE and now you've gathered ALL the learnings and grown PAST being the co-dependent CARETAKER to your family. It's time to LET GO. Much harder said than done, I know. However, all that work you did to move past the deep hurt and pain that caused you to be on a journey of your own consciousness is now coming thru. GOOD FOR YOU! Many never get there. They just stay in anger and sorrow towards all the painful memories of childhood. You didn't! CELEBRATE that!

You can do this in LOVE. And TRUST ME, your mother and grandmother won't feel the LOVE, however, that's NOT your responsibility. Being able to receive love in all FORMS, SHAPES, and BOUNDARIES is a LEARNED process. You're there girl! ANd it will be GREAT for your family NOW.

You've Picked Up the Pieces! Now put yourself back together, KNOW your NEEDS, and ASK for everything you WANT. It's YOUR LIFE!

God Bless

C.
Miracle Nanny

You are in a difficult place indeed. There is no way your Mom and Grandma will change, and it is easy to fall into old patterns for you, too.
You are a good person. You are a GREAT person for taking into your home people who do not appreciate you and what you do for them. If you can take strength from that, from your loving husband and your child, if you can create an invisible bubble around you and continue to grow, keep positive, and teach yourself to accept these old laddies with no anger since they are who they are not because of you.
Learn how to find your own privacy in this complex situation, and exercise a lot of forgiveness - not because they deserve it, but because YOU deserve it. And: get some friends to talk to and get support, friends that will help you maintain your positive outlook of yourself. You will not get it from your mother, but you do deserve it.

In addition to friends you might also consider to add a religious person, if you belong to any such organization, or a therapist, counselor or group support of dealing with aging parents. This is not a unique problem, as personal as it seems.

Dear L.,
No offense, but I think you have more than drama happening. You have a history of an unhealthy dynamic between you and your mom and grandmother and it will affect your own family if it hasn't already.
I think you should contact a Senior Resource Center in your area. They have many resources from counselling, to housing referrals, social workers, etc. You need some help and you need not be afraid to ask for it.
Some of what I see happening from your post is classic emotional blackmail. You don't deserve that.
Please, today, start making phone calls to senior resource centers, assistance with the aged, the department of social services, the county department of mental health. Tell them you need help and don't be ashamed to ask. Tell them the full extent of the situation.
One of my friend's mothers was basically indigent and because of some of her issues, she couldn't allow her around her kids. She now has a lovely apartment for $70/mo and lives on her own. She was on a waiting list for a while until the housing came open, but that's why you need to start looking now.
You love your mom and grandmother, so look into these resources for them. Out of love.

Take your life back.

I wish you the very best.

I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds horrible and does not sound good for your child or your marriage. Is there anyway you can afford to move them into their own apartment? You could visit and check on them just not be living with them. If you don't work outside the home you may want to consider getting a job to get enough money to get them out of there. I don't have a good answer, I just think the situation sounds unhealthy.
Good luck
J.

I am sorry L. that your mom and grandmother continue to try to manipulate you. I know what you are going through to some extent. I have had to set lots of boundries with my own mother and just had to learn myself that if I kept falling into the guilt it was going to be to the detriment of me and my family. When you are an adult your family (you, husband and kids) come first!

Have you tried to seek counciling for yourself? Sometimes just being able to vent to an outside person is very therapudic!! I would also try to seek out any and all resources you can to try to get your mom and grandma involved in something else than you. Like bingo, quilting or something of the sort.

Also I would try to see if your church (if you have one) has someone who could do family counciling at your home. Sometimes it takes another person to express your feelings to the ones who are hurting you.

This relationship seems toxic to you and if you can afford it you also might want to consider a different care home for your family. Also with the threats of harming them selves have they ever tried? Or is this just their way of trying to controll you still?

You will be in my prayers and I wish you luck!

Hello L.: I am not sure if you are looking for advice , reasurrance, or alife line.
I know from experiance with my own family tht you can not change another person. You have only the power over yourself.
You must be married to one heck of a man. He is either a man of strength to keep up with all of this and to make the sacrifie topay for it all-- or he is a user as well and not putting a stop to it. I only hope that you will consider that you are endangering your child to another generation of the same.
You might consider contacting a social worker from your parent/grandparent/ doctor office. They can get them into a situation and because they are on social security even low income housing or a nursing care facilty. There is a agency that I have worked with for my own mother that is called IHSS- In Home Support Services, that spends determined hours in the home to help if needed to supervise medications, observe and notify help if warrented. You can have MEALS ON WHEELS, for a small price come and help with food.
These women, have proven that theya re survivors. They are able to manipulate you, your family, emotions and life. They could have and for whatever reason have chosen not to care for themselves as long as someone else will take the responsibility. Heck, you can rent them a motel room with a kitchet for about 400.00 a month in some areas.
Talk to a doctor for yurself, talk with your husband and make sure he is aware to protect your child from you if needed.
Breaking the cycle is never easy. But not breaking the cycle is damage that just keeps on going. I know that for me becasue of the way my family was I just cut them off from my children after a long time of learning that they were not healthy, safe or not going to change. My husband and children were much more important than any guilt that I felt or thoughts of maing the parents better were. Good Luck it is up to you and the help that you get to make a differance for you child. Nana G