Facebook - Valley Village,CA

As long as he spends time engaged with her when she's not eating I wouldn't push this one. At least he is feeding her and giving you a break. Now if he is totally ignoring her and the milk is going everywhere - then that is another story....

Does he spend other time with her or is feeding her his only time with her? If he does others things and gets his bonding time in then, I don't think this is a big deal. My husband always sat and watched TV if he was feeding the baby. Some people flip through a magazine I was usually always talking to my other children or reading to them while feeding the baby. My attention wasn't necessarily 100% on the baby while eating.

In my experience my husband bonded with our daughter over a longer period of time. The more she learned to "do" the closer their relationship got. When she began talking he went totally gaga over her because she displayed more of her personality. He loved her from the start but it's a different process for men than for women. I think that him holding her is still beneficial for you daughter because she can still see, feel & even smell him. I can also tell you that becoming parents is a whole new ballgame for a couple. My husband felt that I was a control-freak about how to handle situtations with our daughter. (I'm not denying that I was!) The problem was that my "controllingness" (new word, lol) alienated & frustrated him. Hopefully he is contributing to supporting and nurturing her and if so it's my opinion that the bonding will come. I breastfed my daughter for 18 months and played A LOT of sudoku while doing so. As a matter of fact when she would see me go to the computer she would climb up on me and try to rip my shirt off, figuring it was time for a snack. Maybe later your baby girl will want to sit on her daddy's lap and learn from starfall.com on the computer. It could be their "thing".

I agree this is one that you should pick your battles over. Really, what does an eating infant do? If this gives him a chance for some downtime while not sacrificing on helping you out, it's a win-win. He is multi-tasking, fun time for him and still doing something necessary. He could be doing nothing but playing and leaving baby feedings to you. I agree that it is no different than watching tv while feeding, which is how I passed every breastfeeding session. If I didn't, I'd fall asleep. That doesn't mean I wasn't enjoying holding my baby and wasn't looking at him lovingly too. If you encourage interaction between them at other times than feeding time, he will get better quality bonding time than during feedings. Ask him to read her one book a day while he holds her, that will do wonders for her development. And it gives him some actual task to do, besides just "Go play with her". Dads don't really know how to play with infants, they don't really do anything. And even while he facebooks, baby is still enjoying being close to daddy.

If he's involved elsewhere, I'd say let it go.

Some men aren't the kind of guys (some women aren't either) to sit and stare or coo at a feeding baby, so he could be feeding her and looking at a magazine or watching tv, which I don't see as much different as facebook.

I nurse my son and sit at the laptop and play games on facebook, so I really don't see it as an issue.

If it really bothers you, I think you need to try to get to the bottom of it. My mom always says to me that anger is not an emotion, but the result of something....frustration, betrayal, sadness, etc, so you need to find out WHY you are mad at him....maybe this is just the icing on the cake for you or there are bigger battles that you don't want to deal with, so you've made this your sticking point?

I don't see it as an issue, but I'm not in your marriage, so something is getting to you! I get annoyed at my husband because I never feel like I can truly relax all day and when he gets to lie on the couch and do it, I get so mad at him...but that's not really fair. But it's how it is and how I feel....but that's on me to tell him what's going on with me.

Don't get me wrong, I get mad and yell and storm around b/c I am tired and human, but it doesn't make it right! :)

Good luck.

I read a book, watch a movie, or flip thruogh a magazine while I am feeding my daughter. I mean, really, you can only gaze into your childs eyes for so many feedings. Most of the time they are drowsing off to sleep anyway. If he interacts with her and plays and talks with her at other times, who really cares if he does something else while feeding her? I wouldn't.

My first instinct is to say to pick your battles. Most moms would love to have a husband/father who even offers to feed the baby.

I'm extremely fortunate to have a very engaged husband who enjoys being a father and does more than his fair share, but I grew up in a different situation. My father is a work-a-holic, and my mother was a SAHM. Somehow, the impression was that he worked, and she took care of the kids.

I noticed something interesting with a neighbor and my own mother recently. My Mom will come to visit, we'll work all day, and she'll expect that we drop everything at her beckon call (including work hours) because of her needs. Our neighbor is a SAHM, her husband commutes 45 min each direction to work and back, and as soon as he gets home, she takes off because she's so stressed by the 2 kids during the day. In both cases, there's no recognition that both taking care of kids and working is really tough. As much as we need relief as Moms (I am a working mom - full disclosure), they also need down time.

So, my assumption based upon the information you've provided is that the FB Poker is his relief. It doesn't excuse his behavior because being a father should be first and foremost.

When he's not distracted talk to him. Don't yell, don't accuse, don't attack. Just talk to him and tell him why it bothers you. My Mom didn't, and after 40 years of marriage, she still complains about my father even though she helped create the beast that drives her crazy.

Good luck.

I can't say whether you're right or wrong - there are so many possible scenarios to this situation.

I do have a suggestion though. Not knowing how old your child is, I would like to suggest you start sitting down as a family to 'eat' right now. We only started doing this when our son was around 15 months, but in your situation, it may work for you to be there next to your child and your husband. Start talking to your child and husband as if you're at the dinner table and socializing while eating. I realize you probably use this time to get something done around the house or to make dinner for the 2 of you, so if your husband questions you, just be honest and tell him that your expectation is for him to focus on you and your child and in order to help him do that, you have decided to be a part of the eating routine too.

Alternatively, ask him to feed her in a location other than the computer, i.e. wherever you are in the house. So, if you're in the kitchen making dinner for the 2 of you and he's in anothe room feeding/playing on the computer, ask him to come in the kitchen with your daughter so you can all spend time together.

Perhaps, I'm being unrealistic, but it's worth a try???

Good luck,
S.

If you keep complaining about it, he may stop wanting to feed your baby!

He's robbing his child of his time with him. Tell him to knock it off! Feeding time with baby IS bonding time. That is the time he gazes into her eyes, caresses her and tells her how loved she is.

He needs to seriously grow up and you need to seriously tell him so. If not, he needs to seek counseling for possible addiction on why playing poker is AS important as his child.

Stand your ground and don't enable him. Be firm, YET loving. But this is ALL about the child.

I read another response saying that 'men aren't like women' and if he is engaged with her life outside of this one instance, let it go. I could see that point but I seriously wonder how much he is.

IMO, feeding time is time to relax and HE is missing out and he has ONE chance to get this. They grow up so fast...

At least he is awake. I was so frustrated last year when my twins still had a night time bottle. My husband would fall asleep while feeding and the bottle would be at the baby's cheek or neck. Thank goodness we're through with that, but I guess I'm lucky that he at least tried. I ended up staggering the feedings and doing it myself. Much less frustration for me.

facebook is very addicting and it can be annoying to the other partner who doesn't play. If he is on the computer for x amount of hours a day. The best advice I can give you is tell him you want to give facebook a shot too (and sound like you mean it). If he spends 3 hours a day on it, you spend 3 hours a day. He'll soon figure out that the house is being neglected and may say enough is enough. I was pretty addicted and now facebook about an hour a day and that's becaues I wake up an hour earlier to play (and that's when the kids are sleeping). Hopefully, he'll grow tired of playing, but you can help if you say you want equal time.

Men just aren't going to be as nurturing as women. They see things totally different. He probably thinks he is really helping out. Since FarmTown started the Facilities I spend more time on FB than I should. Thank goodness the washer and dryer don't need my constant attention to do their jobs. I enjoy FB so much and it does take way too much of my time. I can honestly tell you I have been know to sit in my office chair, hold one kid in time out on my left and harvested or typed in answers to mamas here on mamapedia.

My husband helps a lot, sometimes his help is more of a nuisance that actual help but he is participating. he is more nurturing than I am while the kids were infants.

I bet as the baby gets older there will be much more they can do together.
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Just a personal note, our family computer (mine with kids stuff too) is in the living room so that when anyone is on it what they are doing online is visible to everyone in the house. This is good because it keeps everyone on the straight and narrow path. We were instructed during a talk at Church to do this and put a picture of Christ over the monitor to symbolize he is always there. I have a picture of some of my grand kids over the screen. It just helps in conversation with everyone too.

well unfortatlely many people are not present with who that are currently with.
i would say calmly that it bothers you. if he doesn't respect your wishes let it go.
i started reading to my kids when they were all tiny babies..maybe he could read to your daughter and that could be the comprise?

Most mamas have a feeding activity. I read or watched tv. I fed my daughter, a slow sucker, for 8-9 hours a day. So having an activity I think is normal. But if dad only does this once a day or so, I think it should be focus time for them.

At least YOUR husband takes an active role with your baby! That's awesome! As far as him feeding her while playing poker, I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe you two can compromise. Next time he feeds the baby ask him for the first part of the feeding to just gaze into your baby's eyes, hold a little hand or just stroke the baby's head and then for the second part of the feeding he can play his game?

Just a thought!

Unfortunately, I don't have a solution, but I've had this problem since my son was born. My husband plays an online video game EVERY night, and all day every day on the weekends. Before my son was born, I talked to him and told him he wasn't going to be able to play nearly as much when the baby got here. I was wrong. If I needed DH to feed the baby, he would prop the bottle up with a blanket and basically let him feed himself. I talked to him about this again, telling him that he needed to spend time with our son, bonding with him NOW, not when he's old enough to throw a ball. Things were good for about 2 weeks (as I expected). Now that my son is a toddler, DH just lets him run around and play while he's on the computer. (I came home one day and LO had a pair of scissors while DH's focus was on the computer).

Baby number 2 is due this fall and I am going to need so much of his help. Short of taking away the computer, I don't know what to do. If someone has a solution that has worked, please do share!

Everyone has different ways of bonding. You can't try to control your husband so that he'll bond in the way you want him to. All you will create is resentment between you and him. And that's worse for your little one. Just be happy he's taking the time to feed her and focus on the other great aspects of him being your husband and father of your baby.

My husband does the same thing but he's harvesting his crops on farmville!!! I can't complain it's better than him sitting on the couch doing nothing and being on farmville.

Hey momma,
I would suggest asking him not to play or even use the computer when it's his turn to feed her or be with the baby. Remember it's not what you say but, also how you say it. There's Hope. By the way i'm still working on this myself it takes time. I hate facebook its causes to many problems between familys.If your single its cool I guess. I hope I did'nt rub anyone the wrong way. Hope this helps. No your not wrong.