Excluded from All Wedding Related Events of My Husband's 41-Year Old Daughter

I guess I'm a bit different because IMHO once those kids are grown, the husband's first loyalty and priority should be to his wife. And he should NOT allow his children to treat her that way and if they do, he should estrange himself from them. I am my hubby's second wife and this is EXACTLY what I would expect from him. Fortunately we don't have that problem because the ex and I are friends and the kids love and respect us ALL!

I do agree that it is extremely tacky of dad to allow the invitation to be worded like that. I do see why she would not want to include you, she has never been told her behavior is unacceptable by the person allowing his wife to be treated like this. it sort of falls on him in my opinion. He has allowed this the whole time you've been married.

The wording should have been Ruth Smith and John smith. Not their names together.

While this is very sad for you, please re-read what you told us:

"I let her know that she shouldn't worry about me, as I did none of the raising, and it was really her mother's day to savor."

Can you see how she and the whole family interpreted that as "Don't worry about including me"? We don't know the whole story of what sounds like a very negative set of family relationships, but since you say "I was not welcome to participate in religious events around [the grandchild's] birth" and "my husband had from the outset taken my non-participation for granted," it's clear that this should not come as any surprise to you; you have been excluded in the past from other major events and your own husband assumes -- without any apparent contradiction from you? -- that you will be excluded, and he seems to be fine with it.

He is probably relieved. He does not have to fight or argue with anyone on your behalf. His inaction is sad, and I see why it wounds you. But have you told him, now or previously, that you would like to be included and want him, as your husband, to see that you ARE included in such events?

It seems that you have a pattern, before this wedding, of being excluded by them, which is their fault and their loss. Your husband has a pattern of being a wimp who doesn't stand up for you or even at least ask someone if you can be included, which is his fault. But if you have not, before this, said clearly and unequivocally to anyone in your family -- husband included, "I would like to be present at this event because I am part of the familiy and feel very hurt when I am excluded. What role can I play here? What can I attend in a way that will include me but not alienate you?"....if you have not been clear and stood up for yourself in that way before this wedding, why would they make an effort to include you now?

I don't mean to sound harsh and we dont' have all the details in this post, but just going on the post, it sounds as if your early message to "not worry about me" was taken by everyone else as "It's OK to leave me out." You did not intend that , but since the family has a past history of excluding you, that is exactly how they took it -- and it should not be a surprise.

Have you gotten any counseling, either as a couple or by yourself, to deal with these very acrimonious relationships? You say you're "falling apart" at the rejection but again - this has gone on prior to this one event, right? Why put so much emotional stock in what these people think of you if they regularly exclude you? A counselor could help you figure out why this means so much to you and why you have not stood up to them sooner.

I am with Julie. Your husband had a responsibility on him to work with his kids to get them to accept you, he failed at that and now you are hurting and he is letting it continue. You and hubby should be one unit, not two, you come with him. If the kids don't like that, then he needs to think of what course of action he will take.

Also, his kids are grown. At 41 she can't be woman enough to let you come? Not sure he or his ex-wife did much in the way of raising respectful adults.

First off... let me say that I think the bride is being very immature. Weddings should be about bringing people together, not excluding people.

That said, do yourself a favor and just leave it alone. When my parents were divorced twenty-two years ago, it was a big, ugly mess. My Dad remarried quickly and tried to force the new wife on us kids. I didn't speak to my Dad for 18 years due to everything that went down, and due to loyalty to my Mom. Was this right? No. Was it fair to the his new wife? No. Did she deserve that...? Well, she broke up my parents marriage and basically blew-up our family... but she probably didn't deserve that. Thankfully, I reconciled with my Dad (and his 2nd wife) a few years ago. Neither one of them was at my wedding, because we were completely estranged at the time.

I would tell you that if my Dad was still alive, my sister (age 34) would NOT want his 2nd wife at her wedding and would dis-invite my Dad if he wouldn't let that go. People can hold some serious grudges. Neither of my brothers spoke to my Dad EVER AGAIN after the divorce. Again, is this the way a grown woman/man should live their life? You and I might say, "No, be the bigger person, get over your issues!"... but let's face it... some people cannot or choose not to get over these things.

So you can say that your husband should "lay down the law" and make sure you get respect from his grown children... but in my experience, that's not the way to go. Mostly because its ineffective: the grown children can do whatever they want at this point. That kind of attitude may simply get the two of you frozen out of the children's lives completely.

As someone mentioned below, book yourself a nice spa trip that weekend and enjoy your time away. You cannot change the bride and the X-wife... you can only change yourself. Don't let these people hurt you. The bride is probably still wishing that her parents were together and may be a little under her Mother's thumb, or wishing to please her Mom. The X IS probably trying to hurt you... so don't let her win! Seriously. There may, or may not, be justification for the X and the Bride's behavior, but just keep yourself out of it now. Stay clean.

Just enjoy the fact that you are actually the bigger person in this scenario. You can commiserate with your friends at how rude and inconsiderate the bride and X are. Don't hold this as a grudge against the bride... let it go. Is this one day worth years and years of acrimony and possible estrangement? I've seen it happen... don't let it happen to you.

And certainly don't let this cause you problems with your husband! Not worth it.

It sounds like you gave them the message that it was perfectly OK not to include you in this....why are you getting upset now? If this message was not what you intended, then why don't you speak up to your DH?

I'm kind of confused. Are you invited to the wedding and rehearsal or not? Does "Ruth & John Smith" upset you because it means that other couples are being invited and you are not acknowledged as part of a couple with your husband? Or are you invited but find "Ruth & John Smith" to be poor etiquette and that's what bugs you? I'm assuming that because you are hurt from this that it's that you're not included while other people are bringing spouses, right?

I guess we would have to know a bit of the back story here. Why would two grown women be so upset about a parent's re-marriage? My husband doesn't love his step-mother but he doesn't have anything against her and we wouldn't dream of excluding her from anything, ever. Nor would my FIL allow it. So why does your husband allow this disrespect? He's really the problem here.

I learned a new word today, thanks!
I'm not really clear who you think the goniff is. But in my book, that's your husband. From day one, he should've sided with you on all of this. If any of them exclude you from any special events where traditionally a husband and wife are included together, he should insist you be by his side. That's what the marriage vows means. I don't know how you go about fixing this situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would start by laying down the ground rules with your husband about the proper treatment of his wife from here on. I would expect an acknowledgement from the goniff that he has wronged you abominably and abject apologies from him. If you don't get this from him, it's time to get outside help for your marriage. Bottom line, his treatment of you has GOT to change.
Again, so very sorry this is happening to you.

To me... This is a deal breaker with your husband. I would not stay around. Period.
Your husband has allowed and encouraged (whether verbal or non-verbal) for his children to be disrespectful of you. I, too, am a step-mother. My step-kids are awesome to both me and their mother. I am extremely respectful of their mother and we are friends. There is absolutely no reason for you to be mistreated by anyone. You should speak up and tell him (your husband) how you want to be treated. I believe you should be attending everything! Wheelchair or not! Who cares? If you want to be a member of this family then you need to be in attendance during important events. You also need to extend yourself with gifts or cards when it's appropriate. You say they know social skills... Then they are mistreating you on purpose.
Not necessarily the type of people I'd like to hang around with or even be associated with.

First you can't change people only yourself. You seem to be finding reasons to be angry, that just isn't healthy for you.

I addressed all of my invitations, to both of my weddings, exactly the same for my parents, my husband's parents as I did anyone else. That isn't a dig on someone it is just addressing an envelope. Your husband sees nothing wrong with it because there is nothing wrong with it, that is why I am saying you are looking for things to be angry about.

Try looking for things to be happy about. You are invited to the wedding. I can assure you if I didn't like the woman my dad married I would have not invited her. Oddly if I had not invited her she wouldn't have been upset, she would have considered it a personal decision and she knows she is not my mother. Perhaps that attitude was why it was so easy to include her in my wedding.

Sorry, I tend to take the position of devil's advocate. I just feel nothing is gained by having people blow sunshine up your butt. This is a two way relationship, own your part and she will follow.

I think you already lost the battle, despite your attempts to quietly win.

If you really wanted to be there, but didn't want to cause stress, then the right thing would have been to let the stepdaughter decide how to handle everything. Pre-emptively saying you won't attend may very well give off the impression of not being interested. You can't reasonably be upset because people have followed your lead.

As for the invitation wording, yes, it's incorrectly stated. Your stepdaughter may have actually missed it. People make mistakes. If she's honestly the kind of woman you describe, you ought to just give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I'll keep my thoughts on your husband to myself. ;+)

Ouch! Lots of questions come to mind for me such as why? Did something happen prior to all this? I am sorry if this question feels too direct but did you and your husband meet during an affair? The children involved take a long time to come around in these situations. Botttom line I would try and be the bigger person and just tell yourself this is all about his daughter's special time and it is up to her who she wants to invite. Let her do what she wants to do because this is her time and trust that the two of you will eventually work this out. Maybe ask her if you can take her to a special dinner the two of you to acknowledge this special time.

I think you should let it go. It is the bride and groom's day and this is what they want. Maybe she talked to her dad and he said you'd be too uncomfortable being there any way. Maybe she is uncomfortable having you there bc of the tensions that will arise with her mom or with you or with her own feelings and she wants her wedding day to be stress free. My parents are divorced and my stepmom and dad and mom are all extremely uncomfortable around each other. This causes me a lot of stress. Really, I think you should be gracious and not take it personally. Find something fun to do with some of your friends that weekend and just put it out of your mind. It does no good to stew over things.

I'm a little confused by some of what you wrote. Who are Ruth and John Smith? Are you Ruth? Is the first wife Ruth?

In any case, his daughter doesn't want things to be tense or uncomfortable at her wedding, so she is excluding you in order to make the day better for her mother. While I don't necessarily agree with what she's doing, I can understand it.

In general, you need to have a big talk with your husband and he needs to have a big talk with his daughters. They don't have to like you, but they do need to accept and respect you if they want their father to continue to be in their lives. These are grown women and they need to stop being so selfish. If she doesn't want drama at her wedding, fine - deal with not being invited and get over it. But you need to find a way to repair this relationship for the future, since it's not fair to you to be treated this way.

If your husband can't understand why you're hurt by any of this, that's another problem and you might want to consider bringing in a counselor to help you explain your position.

Your husband needs to demand that his children show you the respect you deserve as his wife. I can not believe they did not invite you. If my husband refused to stand up for me, well, I am not sure what I would do to be honest.

This is a slap not only from the daughter but your husband. It was his job to make sure your respected. You should buy a ticket on a very nice cruise while this is going on and enjoy the heck out of it. Good luck!

I'm sorry. Both of your stepdaughters sound like imbeciles!
From your post , I assume you wanted to attend, just nothing special acknowledging you as the stepmom and instead they excluded you completely?
And your husband is OK with this treatment of you? Because by atte ding alone he is.

Let the wedding go. It doesn't matter, and you said you were okay not attending. As far as your husband's comment goes, is he always that passive-aggressive? I don't know what to say about your husband's comment - you chose him, and you married him, so hopefully this is not his typical method of discussion. Good luck

If you are not invited to the wedding at all but DH is, then I think you need to both speak to him and to his daughter. In person is best, but phone over email. I think sometimes we exclude ourselves to the point that we are no longer included where we want to be, and if we allow everyone else to speak for us, we are never heard.

My situation is different in that I did participate in raising the sks, but there were still times I bowed to their mother when I should not have. At my stepdaughter's graduation DH made lots of excuses for SS and I finally went to SS and cleared the air about what made me so mad. It was not that he left to spend time with his mom. It was that he disrespected us in how he did so. It wasn't about me disliking his mother at all.

I should have done that sooner. SS avoids people when they are upset with him and hopes that if he hides out, it will just go away. It was NOT easy for him to be confronted, but ultimately it washed away a lot of hurt feelings because I spoke for myself. Is the bride similar? Are you?

A friend's stepmother told me at a party that she resents that nobody ever invites her into pictures - so for years she's resented that this gregarious family that just all piles in as a matter of course doesn't specifically say the words "SM, come here and be in this picture." Friend says that's her own insecurity because she's always been wanted, but THEY feel like she doesn't always want to be in the middle of their hoopla and try to respect her space. So round and round they go when the solution is just her knowing she is always welcome and them inviting her if they see she's hanging back. Miscommunications like this are so common!

I think if you are excluded from the wedding and are feeling hurt, you need to speak up before the wedding. You can even start with the groom as a more neutral person and say, "Gosh, I've gotten myself into a pickle here. I really like you and want to be a part of you and the bride's wedding, but I think that her father may have passed on a different message than I intended. Since you know what's going on with the wedding, can you help me figure out how to mend this?" You don't need to be treated like the Mother of the Bride to still be respected as the Wife of the Father of the Bride.

O-M-G.

As the bride, I would be embarrassed if I ever treated anyone that way, but especially my dad's wife. Regardless of how or when your relationship started, we are all adults.

There are multiple issues here:

1. Your silence has made this issue WAY worse, as did/does your lack of direct communication.

2. Your husband has no spine.

3. The daughters must not know you or feel you could care less. I'm SURE your husband is not communicating at all.

You need to write a letter to the daughter, just like you did to us. You should be calm, but be clear about how much you'd like a relationship with them and that you were leaving it up to your husband to handle things, when it really should have been you. Start it like this:
There is no place I would rather be on that October afternoon, even if I were to have slipped in at the back of the room, just to see the ceremony, then leave. I don't want to be either the object of curiosity (who did John marry?) or the object of attention (that poor woman with the walker who trembles so much). Wedding days are for joy.

Upset doesn't even begin to explain what I would be feeling if the invite was to Ruth and John Smith. Really?????? Wow.

Bottom line: there needs to be more communication. Life is too short. And really???? How much worse can it get???? Not much, IMHO.

It sucks and sucks too that your husband sounds like he's not sticking up for you, but if you don't get along with the daughter than I understand her by wanting any conflict on her wedding day. And they are her parents so the only way I'd separate the names is if they had different last names, it doesn't imply that they're together by having her two parents' names together!

****You wrote****
As I see it, the question is how uncomfortable it is for him, how he wishes to avoid awkwardness for himself by living a denial of the divorce in the face of his daughters.

****** His daughters owe you nothing. Your husband needs to honor and respect you as his wife, not a placeholder in his life.

I am not trying to be rude, but it really sounds to me like you brought a lot of this on yourself. "Via my husband, I let her know that she shouldn't worry about me, as I did none of the raising, and it was really her mother's day to savor."
First, why didn't YOU communicate whatever message you wanted your SD to hear? Also, did you truly mean what you said or was it some sort of "test" to see how your husband and SD would respond? Say what you mean and mean what you say. They may have both been relieved to not have to deal with anything given the ex's behaviors and thought you generously let them off the hook, taking your words seriously.
I understand you may feel self-conscious with your walker and not being physically yourself, but don't play the role of martyr unless you are genuine about it. The bride does not need yet another person's issues to have to deal with surrounding events intended to celebrate her marriage.

For the invitation:
Who ordered them? What was the original wording? Is it possible that it was filled out 'to the rehearsal dinner of Sally, daughter of Ruth Smith and John Smith' and that the printers combined the two?
My guess is that either the ex filled out the working which technically the bride is the daughter of Ruth & John Smith ... so while you are hurting, I would probably let this go as a typo, or an ex trying to be 'formal' as far as wording for the invitations. Although truly, invitations for the rehearsal should be in the name of the grooms parents.

As for not being invited to any of the events, you have a pattern of not attending, and even stated that you are okay with the ex having her day. So the fact that you actually DO wish to be invited may have been overlooked by the bride, or brushed off by your husband. You should contact your step daughter and treat her to lunch. Offer to pay for something that can be your contribution to her new life. Do you have a charm or medallion that she can 'borrow' for the ceremony? Donate something for the honeymoon trip?
Maybe you can sneak in to the back of the chapel or ceremony area and sit on the grooms side, (since you like him (:)?

are you really not invited to the wedding? i can sorta see (although it's still rude) the rehearsal dinner, since that's more for the people who are helping to officiate the actual ceremony. but if i'm reading this correctly, you're not even invited to the event. is that the case?
i suppose you bear a smidge of responsibility for not being more clear to your DIL when you told her not to worry about you. it's sort of a nebulous statement, and if you two aren't particularly fond of each other, she can't be totally faulted for reading it as 'leave me the hell out of it.'
when your husband said you'd be too uncomfortable did you correct him? because if you left it hanging, he too could just be under a misapprehension.
it would be nice if people would always understand you, but you do have to take it upon yourself to be clear.
the invitation wording would probably bug me too. but i'm not sure how mad you can be at your husband over it. i doubt it was his choice.
i do understand your hurt, and i'd probably be fine with the goniff taking a turn or three on the couch. but you're not going to get anywhere by carrying a lot of resentment and hoping that your dh's family will notice and fix it. i think you have had a slap in the face, but not as hard and resounding a one as you feel you have. your dh is very much stuck in the middle. you need to realize that, and to allow him to enjoy his daughter's big day. i think it's abysmally rude of her not to invite you (if indeed that's what happened) but boiling is not going to fix it. moving forward i would be very clear about my expectations and not expect anyone to read anything more into it and try to infer my 'real' feelings. and i would, frankly, expect very little from the SDs. if that means distancing yourself lest you speak with acrimony, that's probably what you'll have to do.
you need to speak frankly (and kindly) to the goniff, preferably after the wedding, about how you expect to be treated. but please bear in mind that the invitation really wasn't his fault (although it's obnoxious that he doesn't understand why it hurt you.)
families are so difficult. good luck to you.
khairete
S.

Could you clarify a couple of things?

First, the address on the invitations. I read it to mean that the party was being hosted by "Ruth and John Smith" kind of like a traditional wedding invitations say, "Joe and Susy Jones request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter ... " I think I'm the only one who read it that way. Did I read it right? If so, I'm guessing that Ruth is her mom (and not you) and John is her dad (and your husband)?

Also, what does, "as to the goniff" mean? I do not know what "goniff" is.

I can see that you are really upset, and you might be completely justified. It kind of sounds like this has been brewing in other ways for quite some time, and you've been trying to take the high road and trying not to let things get to you and now it's getting really, really hard not to let them get to you.

I think you have to talk to your husband at a time when he is in a good mood and you are very calm and consciously trying not to be too emotional. Let him know that you really want to be a part of the family but also want to respect and honor his daughter's day and what can the two of you do to make that happen.

It sounds like your feelings on this subject have been the elephant in the room. It seems like maybe he has been aware of your feelings but since you haven't said anything he's been quietly pretending he didn't know so that he didn't have to deal with them. If so, he's being a coward but doing what many of us would do in a similar situation.

Talk to him, but try really hard to be calm. I'm sure he loves you very much and does want you to be happy. He's just really lost as to how to make two of the most important women in his life happy at the same time.