Ex Who Ignores His Kids

It is sad for the kids that they do not have a loving dad in their lives. Is there grandpa or uncle who can let them have that male adult loving experience? Don't talk bad about him, be the better person, continue to be the good mom you are, and they will turn out better than with that selfish nasty dad in their lives.

In my opinion, be glad someone who doesn't want to be with their kids, isn't in their lives. I know you're angry about having to do all the parenting and deal w/ all the troubles, but it's better that way. If your oldest son needs a male role model, ask your family to step up. Look into Big Brother's and Sisters. Don't beg someone who is a stranger (and after 8yrs he is) to come into his life. You don't even know this man anymore. Are you sure you'd really want him as an influence on your son?

Karma is a pretty harsh creditor and one day ex hubby will have to pay the piper. Twice divorced here. I have never said a bad word about the girls fathers. They figure things out all by themselves, trust me.

When you do have to answer questions about "why dad doesn't ______", be honest, kind and respectful in your answers.

By remaining angry you let the ex continue to have the power. What a sad waste of your time, emotions, and energy. You need to let go and let God. This man is still putting a hurt on you. Until you forgive him, and more importantly, forgive yourself, you're not going to move forward.

I know how hard it is L.. Trust me.

I can't say that I speak from experience, but my M. isn't exactly M. of the year and we will go MONTHS at a time with out her calling, emailing, texting etc. And since my son was born 3 years ago, she has seen him a total of 4 days.
I was very hurt by all this for some time. And while its not the same as your situation, its still a painful thing to go through. The best you honestly can do is just forget about it. Don't let it get to you, because that is only doing more harm. He is the one missing out. The best you can do is be an amazing mother and excuse my language but screw him! It may be tough on them now, but your kids will know when they get older that it was not your fault and that you did an amazing job being their mother.
As for the anger, really you should talk to some one. Go see a therapist. They can be so helpful. They can make you see that its not worth holding onto the anger and may even give you tools to talk to your kids about their dad.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I wish you the best of luck.

I grew up with that same situation. My dad was very similar to your ex. My mom was always saying awful things about my dad, it backfired because we (my sister and brother and I) only felt that he was justified in leaving because she was so awful. When we did see him he would slam my mom for taking his money. My advice to you is to not say how you are feeling about him to the children. If you can't be positive about him, at least remain neutral. When they are old enough, they will see what really is going on and will thank you for all you did to raise them. You vent to a friend, therapist, or journal, because you do need to get the anger out, just not to your children.

My brother, though, did have a lot of emotional issues due to my dad abandoning us. (Actually, we all do) My brother always felt that something was wrong with him, that is why his dad left. If you have the resources, it might be wise to get counseling for your children. At the very least, let them know over and over and over that they are not responsible for their dad leaving. They probably won't believe you, but they need to know that you are there to support them, and that you love them no matter what.

I feel for your situation, but it is possible for you to be a strong, loving family.

You thank your lucky stars that he is gone, gone, gone. Don't try to hold on to what you don't have. Your children do not have another parent in their life - you are it. Accept that and know that it's enough.

Really, he sounds like a total loser. Would you really want him around? Picture what life would be like if he were nearby. You know that it wouldn't be the healthy, positive, shared custodial relationship that you yearn for. He would still be failing your kids, just in-person and more frequently. Not picking them for his weekends. Not paying for child support. Promising to show up for a ball game or a play or a dance recital and missing it anyway.

Why do you have contact with him at all anyway? If he's not paying child support and not visiting your kids, what role does he have in your life (or theirs) other than antagonizing you and failing you and breaking your kids' hearts? Cut off all communication and let your children know that parenting is a responsibility that both mothers and fathers share. Part of that responsibility includes, yes, paying child support when you don't live with your children. When someone doesn't pay support or honor a visitation schedule, that parent is choosing to not be involved and it's his loss.

Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to let go so that your kids can let go too. They don't have a father - big deal, a lot of kids don't and life goes on. Focus on what you and your kids DO have and ignore the guy who opted out (other than keeping a child support claim open, which you should, of course, do). My oldest son's father left before he was born and honestly, it's the best thing he could have done for us. He would have been an irresponsible nightmare if he were here so I'm glad he's gone and we avoid drama. I still have a child support case open but other than the occasional letter from the child support agency (informing me that they still can't find him LOL) I don't give him a second thought. Don't give him any more power over you and your kids - he's made his choice clear. You don't need him anyway.

One day when the kids are "grown up" this won't mean as much. At least he's paying support and I would use that as a positive attribute about their otherwise cad of a dad when discussing him with them.
He will have to look them in the eye one day when they are adults, it will happen. Don't be angry, instead you should feel sorry for him for what he's missing.... and how he will feel on confrontation day when the kids decide to seek him out. You'll get all the respect for "hanging in there". I'm sure your kids think you are awesome already. It's hard to be a mom-dad.

Letting go is so hard, but it's better for you and the kids. At this point, bringing him into the kids' lives, especially in a crisis or with a child having problems, will be more disruptive for the child(ren). He uses them anyway to support his own position (discussing child support with kids is a no-no). Try to find others in your life who are good role models, particularly other men - perhaps you have a brother or a cousin or a couple of really good friends, maybe fathers of some of their friends. This is not to play the role of father, but to help provide guidance, structure and a man's point of view especially to your male children. Try to see you ex as an extremely limited person who adds nothing to your life or your children's life, and which validates your decision to divorce. Concentrate on helping them to be caring and compassionate people so that they don't use their situation as an excuse to behave badly. Show them what it means to be a strong woman - you are already doing that - so that they grow to respect women. If you have a daughter, be the role model she can emulate. For your son(s), be the kind of woman you hope they will choose. Make sure they know that their father's failings are HIS and not in any way a reflection of their worth or value. Expect nothing from him, and you will be less disappointed. This is sapping your energy and bringing you down, but you have to accept that you have absolutely no power to change anything about it, and decide if you want to allow a bad person to turn you into a bitter and angry mom. It's understandable, but it's only hurting you and, by extension, your children. Try some short-term therapy too - it will help you talk to an objective person to figure out why you are holding on to a dream of what you hoped your ex might become as a father.