Ex Bringing Women Around the Kids

Document everything that happens...and by the way Hugs to you...
but Document and when you go to the meeting...and he starts saying he wants the kids more or something you can have the dates that he was suppose to have them and dropped them off early...etc.
Barb

Stop it! Do not cause any extra drama, that is not necessary. Point blank, you both are going to find significant others, therefore the kids will meet them. That is childish to expect the kids not to be exposed to whomever. You both have to trust that you would not have anyone around who would harm the kids. As far as your spouse and his alcohol etc., YOU PICKED HIM!

Not to be harsh, but instead of going in disliking "Stacie," get to know her, because she will be the one taking care of your kids. It is much easier to hate someone instead of being mature, and working through the situation.

Last, if he wants to cut his visitation shorter, that's his loss. If you do not agree with his actions, do not open the door! Pretend you are not home, and he'll come back at the right time. After a couple of times wasting time and gas, he'll get the point. TRUST ME! Regarding the meds, don't be petty, pick your battles accordingly. If you know that he will act like a jerk over the situation, don't bother calling because it will tick you off.

No matter what you do isn't going to change what your ex does and the more you push the more he is going to push your buttons. Make sure you have everything documented so when you do go to the meeting with the lawyers you have what the kids have told you, what he has told you and what you have experienced yourself. My spouses ex finds it ok to cheat on her current boyfriend and have their daughter (my dh and hers) cover for her, she even tells her half brother to shut up when he starts talking about the stuff he has seen from his mom. So we know all to well about people coming and going in their lives. I have been with my husband for 13 years and I have no previous marriage but he does. I agree that the children shouldn't get attached or try to become "friends" (used for lack of a better word) with the new BF or GF because they could not be permanent and they get their heart ripped out again because they have already gone thru the divorce or seperations of their parents. All I can say is document and you do in your home what you feel is right for your children.

When I met my husband, we both had a rule that we wouldn't involve our kids in our private lives until we decided that we were going to have a relationship, not just a dating situation. He had 4 children , I had three. We dated for 6 months before our respective families ever met us. My kids called him "mom's fictitious boyfriend" because they hadn't ever seen him. LOL
It wasn't that we were hiding anything, it was we didn't want to involve our children in the confusing world of adult dating. That way they didn't have the uncertainties of meeting and liking someone only to have them disappear if the relationship didn't develope into something permanant.
That was just the way we wanted it and we both agreed on it.
Fortunately it worked out for us, and we married a year after starting to date.
OUR EX's weren't nearly as circumspect in their dating behavior, but since we were the ones with custody, the kids were insulated to some degree from all that.
I don't know what you can actually do about your EX's private life. I'm sure it's irritating that he is bringing his dates around the kids, but I'm not sure that a judge will actually do anything about it unless it can be proven they are cohabitating when the kids are there, and maybe not even then.
It is entirely possible that you will be told his private life is none of your business, like the judge told my husband when he complained about his EX bringing guys around the kids.
I commend you on your decision to not involve your children in your personal dating life, though, because it's confusing to them. Youre a good mom.

Ok, this one is a tough one. I'll try to be truthful with kindness. First you and your x need to get along some how. Realize that there will be other people (companions) in each of your lives. The children will always be a constant. Regardless of anything else; the children the two of you have needs to come first. You need to get together and set ground rules that are the same for each of you and stick to them that way the children are seeing, hearing, and experienceing the same adult behavier know matter which home they are in. The new adults that enter each life need to know the rules and understand it is for the well balanced rearing of the children and if they can not comply then they need to move on to the next possible companion. Hope this all makes since to you. Good Luck. Love and Hugs, L.

be careful when you call him, or when he finally answers the phone. you really don't want to blow up at him. just be sure to keep records of everything. don't blow up at him though, he could be keeping records too, and that could be bad at the meeting of the lawyers. Be the bigger person.

I know you are frustrated but you can't make him a better father. It will be okay, just be sure to bring it up at the meeting, calmly and rationally.

Good luck and God bless you and your children.

It is not going to look good on you to your kids or to the judge if he knows the kids are witnessing you exploding over a girlfriend. I would stay calm and not let your kids see you get upset. I know its hard. Document everything and dont say anything to the ex right now. Its going to look better on you and work a lot better if you wait til you see the attorneys and calmly try to work it out and say "I have a real problem with this" if he isn't going to see them again til then anyway. Exploding won't do anyone involved any good. Or tell him that now without exploding. Make an environment you two can work together at raising the kids without trying to nag and complain about what the other is doing in their private life. Your exploding isn't going to change his behavior, just set a bad tone and make each other defensive all the time and not work together type of environment. Say, "Can we please not expose girlfriends to the kids right now?" and maybe "They are not ready," or "I am not ready." If that doesn't work, keep documented everything and give it to the attorneys.

1st rule of separation & divorce: break the cycle & stop trying to be a part of each other's lives. Stop repeatedly trying to call him, stop checking for info from his friends & family, stop yourself before HE has the judge stop you. Regardless of how you feel about HIS choices, it's your choices that affect your life. As the other responses say, document & bring it to court....& leave him alone. The last thing you need is the judge getting on you! Good luck & best wishes for a peaceful divorce & future.

WOW! I've never been divorced, so I can't speak from personal experience. You seem to be having a lot of emotional issues about your recent divorce. That is perfectly understandable. You were in a loving, trusting relationship and somehow it ended. That has got to hurt on all kinds of levels.

But, for the sake of your kids, you have to have some kind of reasonable relationship with your ex. These first few months are critical to having some kind of understanding between the two of you. Don't alienate him now or you may never be able to have a reasonable relationship with him.

I don't know if this is your husband first divorce or not, I am assuming it is. So, this is all new to him too. Maybe he hasn't figured out how to handle work, visitation, and a new relationship. Maybe he is making some bad choices right now. Stacie may not be the last woman in his life. If he puts his kids aside every time he has a new girlfriend, don't you want to have the kind of relationship where you can talk to him about how that affects the kids (if it affects the kids and not YOU). If you go ballistic here, you may never be able to talk to him about this kind of thing.

Also, don't judge Stacie. She may or may not be aware of the responsibilites of being a parent and she certainly may not be aware of your expectations of your ex's behavior. I am pretty sure is unaware of your expectations of HER behavior. If it turns out that her relationship with your ex lasts, she will be around your kids. Don't you want to have a line of ocmmunication with her?

The short advice, tread lightly.

Get used to being upset. There really isn't anything you can do. My daughter came home from her fathers once telling me in detail about daddy and @#%* playing, and they didn't have clothes on...The kids were 4 and 2 1/2 at the time...At 4 she didn't understand what she was seeing, she just thought it was funny and wanted to share with me. They weren't married yet and he had given me all kinds of trouble about me dating when he had the kids.

Divorce isn't easy when kids are involved especially. Just be there for your kids and let them talk out their feelings. It will probably change a little when they get older and he can do more with them, but for now he's "free" and wants to show you just how free he is. It's about getting at you more than about the kids.

Try not to badmouth their father in front of them. They will figure him out on their own in time. Write down everything...When they came back...early or late...offered extra time, refused or accepted...story's the kids tell...WRITE IT ALL DOWN and DATE IT. Start now and keep a journal from now on of everything. I was told to do this and I didn't. I'm sorry for it now. This will be the only semi-proof you will have if things get out of hand.

Good luck.

Hi A. - OH you bring back memories. Not good ones. My kids were 5 and 6 years old when I got divorced. I too could not understand how my ex could bring our kids on his dates, make them go sit all day while he played in a tennis tournament. He only had them every other weekend - essentially 4 days a month.

BUT I had no way to control this - it was his life. By the time they were 8 and 9 years old, they did not want to go to his place any more. Of course it was my fault, " I must have turned them against him" - but I did not, he did it all by himself. Counselors told me to let the children get to know who he IS, not who I think he should be, or what I thought a dad should be. I did not want him to "hurt" their feelings or make them feel like a burden. He simply was who he was. When the kids did not want to go to his place for the weekend - I told them to call him ( they were 8 and 9 years old by them) and tell him that they did not want to come to spend the night, to be with a babysitter. It worked itself out - honestly I was afraid that he would not pay the child support (which was minimal at best) if they did not go with him. He would take them to dinner every once in a while, take them to see their grandparents, but he was not really a dad, but a father. They are now adults, they see him when they come in to town, but they know who and what he is. It does not make it easier to accept. I really could not believe he treated his kids that way. I too learned who and what he was. Not who I thought I married. But then again, I was divorcing him - I found myself married to a stranger. Best of luck. The kids will accept what they can get from him. Take care of yourself. Don't expect him to be who he is NOT. My advice - when you see your lawyers - set pick up and drop off times for his weekends so that you can have a life. Tell your parents not to accept him dropping the kids off early. My ex even tried to drop the kids off early, and when I was not home - said to my kids "See how much your Mom loves you - she is not even home". My anger only hurt me - he did not care. Sincerely, G.

This is my suggestion. Think about what you want and write it all down, as in, they shouldn't meet you girlfriend until you've been dating x long or are engaged or she shouldn't spend the night when kids are there or whatever. Also, write down what you are willing to do, as in, I can go on dates and be picked up but can't bring him home, except on your ex's weekends or whatever. Think about other things too, if you want to be forewarned, also, things that have nothing to do with girlfriends, like if you want to be the first option for a babysitter, if you'd rather trade weekends if he has something important going on, how you feel about trips, etc. Write down everything you can think of about what is important, and then take it to your lawyer, discuss what is appropriate and do-able and how is the best way to make it happen. I think it is fine to tell him that you don't want girlfriends around at this point, but be calm and as everyone said, document, document, document. I'm sorry you're going through this! I witnessed my brother's messy divorce, I was their childcare, and I know no matter what it's hard.

Good luck.

K.

i definitely agree with suzi. unfortunately as frustrating as it is there's nothing you can do. let him do what he will and know that your kiddos will figure it out. if daddy doesn't put them first they'll see that. it'll hurt at first but they'll be better off if you just roll with it and continue to be a great mom, and let them know that no matter what you'll always be there loving them unconditionally. the more worked up you get over it the worse it'll be for everyone, and those little eyes will see that mommy is getting angry and hateful towards daddy, too. feel free to come here and vent as much as you want! it's too bad but most of us can relate in one way or another. (mine was my parents so i am seeing this from the child's perspective) good luck and god bless.

HI A.,
That sounds like my dad, I'm now going on 28 and have a daughter and he still does it. My parents were very young when they got married and divorced. My dad was caught cheating on my mom while we were attending my birthday parties. He married that lady and for the five years they were together he had us, I have a younger brother, every other weekend. We would go over and they would fight in front of us and just crazy things, we stopped going. My mother never talked bad about him, she let us see for ourselfs. He would call and say he was coming and never show up. By 12 I hated him, and to be honest part of me still does. I have good reason cause he has said a few times since I've been older and after I had my daughter that he was sorry and he had a problem with my mom and that kept him away. I don't recall him ever saying is he would do it differently. His actions at this point show me he doesn't care cause he now works 2 min. away and its been 4 months since I talked to him. He even cheated on his second wife with us, he took us to the river and just let us play while he made out with his girlfriend.
I really have no advice other than try not to talk bad about him in front of them. That my hurt them and kids are smart they see and hear things that parents think they don't. See if you can talk to his parents, my grandma was the one we saw the most, they maybe able to talk to him and make him understand better than you can at this point. Be there for them and listen when they cry, they will act out, my brother did. I'm not sure there is a way to shield them from this. I can't think of anything that my mom could have done differently other than maybe meeting a man that would have been the father I never had. I'm not saying bring men around, I'm saying see if you can find the one. My mom never dated anyone, she was afraid of what could happen. I hope this helps in some way. Keep your head up!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kidos.
J.

This needs to be brought up in your attorney meeting. He cannot hold you to one standard and himself to another.
As for the kids meeting new girlfriends and boyfriends of their parents, this partially depends on how long you've been exes. After a while, it's logical that both of you will be meeting new people and at some point the kids should meet them. Common sense should dictate not to introduce the kids to one-night-stands or casual flings, but reasonably serious boyfriends and girlfriends can be addressed in a healthy manner. Also strict rule on what to call these people no "mom," "dad," "aunt" or "uncle." First names or Ms or Mr.
You can't make him a better father. That's something only he can do. Don't sweat it. Do not dis him to the kids or encourage the kids to dis him. Just not healthy. Let them know that complaints about him don't make you feel better, but just the same if they have any problems they need to let you know. Major concerns need to be addressed.
Sounds like kids are older and you can have an intelligent conversation with them and get their input about new relationships.
Hang in there.

This really is a bad situation and I understand your frustration. I can't tell you how to handle things as far as the attorney, what to report, what to request, that type of thing. What I can tell you is from the perspective of a child with divorced parents. Do not, under any circumstances, badmouth your ex or his new girlfriend (or the next one, or the next one, or the next one) to your children. You can see that what he's doing in his relationship with them is wrong, but to them, he's their hero, the man in their lives. They feel a tremendous loyalty to him as well as to you. If you put them in a position to think that one of you is better than the other or loves them more than the other or anything of the sort, it will hurt them. You obviously love your kids and I wish you the best as you sort out custody arrangements and rules for when each parent has the kids. As your kids grow, they will see the mistakes he is making on their own and they will be grateful that you never made them feel bad about their loyalty to and love for him. Best of luck!

I had a similar situation. Mostly it has nothing to do with whatever new 'girlfreind' of the moment he has. she may not even be aware of how long - or short he's been divorced for. Your ex is the jerk here. DON'T be "nice" just to get along when it comes to lawyers and all. Be a witch and get what you honestly think will be best for kids in the long run. I was 'nice' when my ex 'just didn't want to be married anymore'. I was pregnant with our second at that time. He didn't even bother to show up for his sons birth. All my niceness came back to bite me.. he would see the kids once about every 3 months, except when he was 'dating' someone.. then he would want the kids. I think it was so that he would look like he was a good dad... to keep up with his lies that I was a horrible person- his reason to other women for being divorced. (my biggest fault is that I'm probably TO nice..) Our divorce agreement was pretty general and I was easy about everything.. until he moved in with his current wife.. then he ignored all the niceness and flexibility and started taking me to court for EVERYTHING possible.. I was a single working mom, with 2 in daycare, and him paying minimal child support and no extra money for a lawyer.. I represented myself the first 5 times (he took me to court about every 9 months to a year) I usualy won in general- but he & his lawyer would also 'win' on the techincalities. Like when I couldn't get ahold of him on a thursday, and the kids were supposed to go to his house on firday night- my son was 5 and invited at the last minute for a birthday sleepover. I let my son go, since he would be able to go to his dads about 10am on sat, and would be at his dads for the rest of the weekend. He took me to court for "not allowing him his parenting time". Petty. pretty much every time he took me to court it was over something petty.
I found out years after the initial divorce and my niceness, I COULD have gotten sole custudy becuase of his disintert in the kids early on.
Now I have a lawyer, he no longer takes me to court for petty things.
now they (my ex and his wife) just try petty things with the kids. like a few weeks ago, I had to go to manhattan for work on a friday, my kids didn't have school- and my sister lives there. So I took them along- what I needed to get done took longer then I planned. We left manhattan to head back home 1 1/2 hours late to get them to their dads by 6:30pm. We called the minute we left to let them know. they had no plans.. their step mom told them when they got there that their dad and her could have called and reported them as 'kidnapped' since they were supposed to be to their house by 6:30. even though we called. yeah right.
Basicly put YOUR foot down NOW and get as much NOW as possible, because it will NEVER get easier. (i've been divorced 11 years now) Always those double standards.. If I bring the kids late he's mad (even though I told him I needed to move the drop off time later - AND his lawyer and mine both suggested HE pick up the kids so he won't miss out on parenting time- he wouldn't agree to that).. but its fine for him to bring the kids home an hour or two early every week?
I used to try to keep him updated on what the kids were doing.. then I realized I was the only one making an effort. If he wanted to know what was going on, he could call and find out. I could go on and on..
so, basicly, DON"T be nice now. ask for EVERYTHING YOU want. and if he wants a 'standard' put on you, then the same should apply for him.
Good luck!!!!!

I think Ginny B. said it best in her response and is 100% right. It brings back memories for me as well as I went through eerily similar situation. What I want to add is the courts will see you as the "jealous ex" if you show emotion when you tell them what is going on. Unfortunately though, he can bring women around the kids if he wants too because it is only morally wrong. On the flip side to that, you not bringing your dates around your children shows that you have class and love your children enough not to make them go through other potential losses. I would also say that you calling your ex while you are upset (resonably so) translates to his man brain that you are jealous and want him back. So, set up a drop off, pick up and only call in life threatning emergencies and tell your extended family to just say NO! Ginny B. is right on point when she says that your kids will see him for who he is on their own, they are smart. The LAST thing you want to do is let them see you upset about his poor choices or they will feel like they have to choose or they will start defending him and not see it!

I didn't read all of the responses so I might repeat what others have said. I want to remind you of one thing you said "He is good at hiding things until it has to come out" There is the chance that she doesn't know that he is taking the kids back because he wants time without them. The women in my ex's life hated me and I could never figure out why, but I hated them for the things they would say and do around my son. Well when he got busted with growing drugs and was forced to detox the communication really opened up, because he was forced to. He had lied to his then ex wife, current wife, and me about each other all this time. He would tell them that I was doing and saying things that I wasn't. She has nothing to do with you and him...she is only a new adult in your kids lives. I know the split up is fresh, but my suggestion is to ask if you can meet her. Sit down one on one with her and tell her your expectations if she is going to be around your children.
My son had to deal with the fact that I got married, his dad got married had a son, I had a daughter, his dad got a divorce, I had another son, his dad got a girlfriend and had two more kids, his dad then got married to said girlfriend and they are always breaking up and getting back together. It is the one thing we can not protect our children from all we can do is realize that our ex's have to move on as we do. I waited until I was with my husband (then boyfriend) for several months before I introduced my son to him. That was my way of protecting my son...my ex just wanted our son to be involved in his life which meant the new relationships. New relationships are new and fun MEN don't think about what it could do to the children just that they enjoy it right then and there. "Immediate Gratifucation"(however it is spelled)
Just remember that all the problems you had with your ex and remember she will have the same problems because he is not changing. If he lied to you...he is lying to her...etc.etc.
Good Luck and my prayers will be with you.

A., I am living a similar nightmare now, minus the girlfriend. The difference is, we are still in the same household and have not split up completely yet. It is coming. If you are dealing with an alcohol situation, count your blessings that he doesn't want the kids more often! That may sound harsh, dear, but look at what they are subject to around all that alcohol behavior!! Kids are harmed by it. Being the wife of an alcoholic, I can tell you, they brainwash you into thinking that the alcohol behavior and anger is normal and okay. It ISN"T!!!! It takes getting away from it for awhile to see it more clear! Get yourself to Al-Anon meetings right away. These support groups will give you a place to dump your pain, in healthy, safe ways and how to deal with your crisis! Al-Anon was far more beneficial to me than expensive counselling.

I can half imagine how unsafe your kids are around him (not by any purposeful harm to them, but neglect; because he is more obsessed with his alcohol and girlfriend than the children)When your kids are with you, you know they are safe and happy. Your husband sounds like a twin to mine! I wish he HAD a girlfriend so he would have more motivation to be a ghost in our lives!! My husband has gone thru rehab because I absolutely would not allow him or alcohol in the home anymore after seeing the progression of the anger/alcohol behavior. He is a completely different person, so much better, and finally acting more like a father to them than ever. But he is not working his steps and is not agreeing to counselling which was a condition to let him live here, so our days are probably numbered. But I will tell you, I chose to suffer and stay with him, and work on reconciliation because I was told that the courts don't guarantee the safety of children when one parent is an alcoholic. All they care about is seeing that both parents have equal visitation. This terrified me into staying with my husband. To me, my kids safety is paramount. What you need to do is follow the advice of some of the wonderful mothers below; completely detach from worrying about the girlfriend. Heck, she may be their protection and safety someday if he gets drunk and goes off!

Let your kids see him for who he is. Yes, it will hurt them to see his true colors and bad choices, but why hide it from them? They will find out later anyway. If I were you, I would focus more on his alcohol behavior and making sure he is not verbally or physically abusing them with an anger problem. There are a few things you can do, to fight in court to protect them. Such as supervised visitation. It is expensive (to him, not you) and there are no guarantees, but that is one area where you MUST protect them with all your might!

My heart breaks with you. Focus on yourself right now. Take care of you, because you are the only sane thing your kids have right now. You are a good mommy and they need you to be healthy, happy and emotionally intact. I will pray for you very much, dear sister! Hang in there!!