Does Your Husb Ever Go Off?

My father was like that. He's a loser and a drunk. You never knew what to expect around him. I remember when I was 17, he physically pushed me out the door and said I had to move out. He sobered up later, but I couldn't wait to get out of that house and away from him. I moved out on my 18th birthday and finally got away from it.

I could never again live with someone like that, and my husband couldn't be more different from that. My husband is so easygoing and fun to live with. When I'm stressed, he's calming to me. He never loses his temper. He's patient with the kids. He's just a really good, even tempered person.

If he won't work on it then they may be nothing to do but to decide if you can live with it, or leave. It takes two to make a relationship work and if he refuses counseling then ……………….

No, and I couldn't stand to live with that kind of volatility. It's destructive imho.

:(

Not normal or healthy, but common. What did he learn from his first failed marriage? Did he take stock of the relationship, assess how he contributed to its demise, and come up with ways to change his behavior? Does he look at the past and present and come up with plans for how to make the future better? Or is he immature and stubborn, blames everyone else, and continues unhealthy behaviors?

I wouldn't be married to someone who can't or won't reflect on his behavior and isn't open to counseling. That's a level of stubborn that is, to me, unforgivable. Everyone makes mistakes - to refuse to learn from them is not an option in my relationships.

Yes what you are describing is at the very least passive-aggressive. If that were my husband I would tell him he needs to learn to communicate like an adult, or be single.

No but father used to do this. He had anger issues and a secret alcoholic..

We used to walk around on pens and needles, we never knew when he would blow..

He finally grew up, realized other people did not act like this.. went to therapy and AA.

Since he will not go to counseling I encourage YOU to go on your own,, That is what my mom and my fathers other 2 wives did..

He is a changed man..

Hmm, I wouldn't say he "goes off" but he does tend to keep things bottled up and that can build up and make him snap sometimes, especially if he's hungry or tired.
But, no, he doesn't get "crazy mad" that sounds scary :-(
I'm not surprised counseling didn't work with his first wife, he clearly doesn't want to deal with things in a healthy, appropriate way.
How about counseling for yourself? It would be good for you to understand why you are attracted to this kind of person and whether or not your own behavior has anything to do with the dynamic in the marriage.

Call him on it. Just say, "what's the read issue? What is bothering you right now? Your reaction is more than the situation warrants"

My husband does do this (the crazy mad over nothing). But then again, he's also in treatment for combat-related PTSD, and anger that seems to come out of nowhere is a symptom. Seeing a counselor regularly is helping him. Since your husband won't do that, then I suggest that you do, so you can work out how to deal with this man, and whether dealing with him at all is in your best interest or that of your family.

I like Sally's idea for a start, but if he refuses to discuss it you may have to do something drastic to force him to deal with this issue. I wish I had held my husband's feet to the fire (so to speak) earlier than I did, so that I didn't hold as much resentment and distaste as I sometimes currently do.

Passive-aggressive AND blowing up is a little much.

Good luck Micky.

no.
and i'd have a very hard time living with that.
a husband should be a partner and a lover, not a powder keg. it would destroy my quality of life to constantly worry about something setting him off like that, especially if he refuses to address or work on it.
please protect yourself, my dear.
khairete
S.

First wife? Sounds like this is a reoccurring theme in his life. I'm sorry you ended up taking on her miserable problem. Go to counseling yourself so that you can get the courage to deal with this head-on. You don't have to stay married to someone like this, Micky.

No, he doesn't, and if he did and refused to get help I don't think I could stay.
What do you think this is doing to your kids? Do you want them growing up thinking this is how good, normal men and daddies act?
Sorry, not trying to sound harsh, but there's a reason he's already failed at one marriage.
Get some counseling for yourself, that's the first step. This relationship doesn't sound healthy.

You won't divorce because you need to be there in this volatile situation to protect your child? You never "need" to stay in an unsafe situation.

You are setting a very unhealthy example for your child. If I ever thought my child was not safe, I would be out the door to a shelter and get back on my feet to solely support myself and my child.

Good for you for seeking counseling but please, if things are as dangerous as you say, get out.

Best wishes.

I have one of those. I have lived with it for 25 years. I say apples and he hears pears. My won't go to counseling either b/c there is nothing wrong and it's a waste of money( it's only a $20 copy). How can counseling help when in his mind there is nothing wrong. I know exactly what your going thu. I have learned to ignore my husband. I walk away, go shopping. My husband will never change. Wish you all the best.

I do know what you are talking about, and I know how you feel. I have been in a similar situation with my hubby for about 7 years. But, we are making progress. So, I recommend to you that NO this is not "NORMAL" but, it is YOUR normal, and your Child's normal. And, it doesn't have to be, nor should it be. I have been talking to my husband a lot and it did a fat lot of good too.

Finally, I just quit responding to him. If he yells, I ask him to not raise his voice in front of the kids. If he would like to discuss something we can do it in another room, or later. I am completely flat, no anger, no emotion at all. If he doesn't take me seriously, then I will either use a low strong voice that says "HEY" pay attention to me, or I will ask him to excuse himself until he is ready to be with others. Basically it is a grown up time out. This worked for a while, but then he stopped responding to it, so I started just taking the kids, and getting them, the bag I kept packed and ready to go by the door, and got in the car. If he followed, I would tell him that I am not going to let MY children be exposed to someone like him.

It really upset him and helped him change his tune. But, it was not a quick process it takes a while. But, don't let him tell you you can't go, or that he needs to talk, or he is all better, etc. unless you can actually see he is all better.

In August he really messed up when he quit his meds, and I completely shut down on him. I answered him in yes/no answers, I had as little to do with him as possible. I didn't kiss him back, but I did let him kiss me, basically I was animated and normal with the kids and completely flat with him. I had scream, kicked, tried to get him to change, realize that I was trying to help him, etc. and it didn't work. So, I recommend trying that actually. Don't stop doing what you do, but don't invite him to do anything with the "family", he can sit down to dinner because its dinner time, have casual conversation, etc. but don't give a whole to him, don't get emotional vested in making him happy. I know that is what you are doing so that he won't blow up. I have been there, I grew up with it from my dad, and watching my mom be so concerned about his feelings and how his day was, that type of thing. But, you are a partner and if he can't be a partner to you and you have to walk on egg shells, then you are not being treated like a partner, you are being treated like a servant and you are not that. So, be yourself, stand up to him as yourself, and be the person you need to be deep down. If you need help with this, ask your counselor, she will teach you how to do this, but it won't work until you decide to do it for yourself and your child.

It took me over 2 years after my counselor before I could do it. But, our son is autistic and so he needed special attention that I needed help with.

Good luck remember this is a process, and it takes a while. But, I would recommend sitting him down and talking to him straight on and bringing it up with him so he has a heads up about what is going on and what needs to change. If they don't, you and your child are not better off there, even if you have to go get a job and the kid goes to daycare, you still have a better future than if you don't because of the damage this can do. But, that is another story....if you need help or just need to talk, pm me.

It sounds like you are describing my husband it's almost scary! He is the exact same way and when I try to discuss this with him it's considered to be nagging! He can get so worked up and angry that he will shut down and not want to talk to me any more and all it nagging and somehow it's all my fault! And then get this, he will not talk to me for about a day and sometimes even more! The hurtful thing is that this man is suppose to be the one who is there for me and has my back through thick and thin and I just feel like he doesn't really care what I say or do. I feel like all he cares about is his needs and wants.. He never takes the time to sympathize or try to understand me. I here recently am just feeling pretty low and crappy! U fibs myself crying when I am alone and this isn't like me! We will be married 15years this January.. I don't know if he's just tired of me or just uninterested!

no my husband does not do that. If there is something that is bothering one of us, we talk about it and get it out and fix it. I know you say he went to counseling before, but maybe he just had a bad counselor?

It might be depression. Depression in men manifests itself in anger.
You could try and get him to go the doctor.

Good luck

no my hubs is immature and selfish but he doesn't go off. that sounds verbally abusive

Just because he won't go to counseling, doesn't mean you can't. You can go for you, which in turn may help you, help him.
Did his first marriage have similar issues? Threatening to leave probable won't help you, but telling him you are concerned your marriage won't last, if something doesn't change, may wake him up.
You might consider having an open and honest conversation with him about how he acts and how it makes you feel. If you feel that he won't hear your words, write him a letter or email. Some people understand the written word better than the spoken word.

Can u give an example?