Divorcing Myself from Adult Siblings

Hi Rhonda, I am the youngest (45) of 5 siblings. My oldest sister is 55. We are very close. But we are all very different. Over the years we have all lived everywhere, made radically different choices, walked different paths. Also there's a zillion extended family as well and we enjoy getting together with aLL the cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc.

For about 10 years, we're all local and spend a lot of time together. We enjoy each other's company. Wanna come hang out with us?

However you should know, we did not just fall out of the sky completely compatible. We have ALL made the choice to check our egos at the door, we have ALL made the choice to not be rubbed the wrong way by someting another one says, we all choose to not be over-sensitive, to embrace our likenesses and to set aside our differences.

Really, it's like any other relationship. If we want it to be there for us, it requires maintenence, it requires 'losing', it requires letting the little things go.

So it depends on what you want really. If it causes you more stress to work at getting along with them then the stress it causes to not be close to your family, then nix 'em sista!

:)

Ah! Aren't family get-togethers a joy?!

Unclear from your post if you really want to stay away completely, or just DO the holiday gatherings or want suggestions on avoiding them completely.

If you go--go on your terms. Don't "play" when the snide remarks start, etc. Only stay as long as you feel comfortable.

If you avoid completely, then start some NEW traditions with your son. Leave time for him to see his dad & dad's side as well, so he doesn't feel like he has to choose O. or the other, and he doesn't have to feel as if he's leaving you "alone" on a holiday!

Make plans with your friends, plan vacations, etc

I don't know that you have to divorce them. My family is colorful and at times nothing short of intoxication can get you through. Still the good times seem to make the bad times worth it.

I guess I am saying before you hatch your plan to write them off do a bit of math and see if it is worth it.

Im an only child. with excetion to gaining 2 step siblings in my early 20s whom I love very much.
My friends are my family. I have a set of friends who dont have any contact with his side or her side of the family. so we do big dinners together. our kids are like cousins and such.
I disowned my aunt, unlce and cousins on my fathers side when I got divorced and they felt the need to financially fund my ex husband.
toxic people come in all forms and blodd relatives are no different.
Give it a few years. in ten years alot will be forgotten and you may be able to resume some contact. I myself would not, burn me once done....

Hi Rhonda,

I can completely relate to you. I would choose a few things you are passionate about and volunteer:

Do you like animals? babies? older folks? fighting social injustices? quilting?

You can go hold babies at the hospital, visit humane society and walk dogs, visit all the older folks who don't have families--adopt a G./grandpa and spend time with them,get to know them etc. The options are endless....start thinking and try some things out. Best wishes~

M

I understand and respect that you must protect yourself, however, I am going to encourage you not to completely cut your family off.

For starters, your family can't "make you provide loads of food." That was a choice you made. You may have felt like you didn't have a choice, but you did and it sounds like to me you made a good choice, but please own it. You chose to take care of your father.

Whatever your sisters did, try not to be angry. Don't be stupid about it, but try to avoid anger. Anger will only hurt you. Whether you need to completely cut them off....... well, that can hurt you too. I don't want to sound like I know.. because I don't . Maybe completely cutting them off is the best for you, but I am asking you to not rush into that. Love your sisters best you can without judging them, even if they judge you. This is an emotional time, post trauma, and things may change.

You might consider altering family dinners. Don't stay as long. Don't go to everything. Things like that. You don't want to lose your son to all holidays. If you don't want to be with your family then create some new holiday traditions at your house and include your kids and friends.

I'm sorry you were hurt. Try not to hold onto that picture.

Very best to you!

Have you got a church family? That was a great comfort to me when I moved across the country from my family to go to school. I remember one year when I had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, someone threw an "all strays" Thanksgiving potluck. It was a blast.

Now I am a member of a couple clubs, one for photography and one for outdoor stuff (camping, canoeing, etc). That helps me have stuff to look forward to. And I plan on paying forward that "all strays" holiday this year for people from my clubs.

Have any hobbies that you might find a club for?

How about a holiday cruise? Give them something to talk about and enjoy yourself!

I'm divorced and live far from my family of origin so I'm alone for some holidays including every Thanksgiving when my kids are with their dad. The first year, I invited my single girlfriends over and we had a potluck for Thanksgiving. One even came over to help decorate my house. A couple others cleaned up afterwards. This was a nice change from years past when I was married, did all the work and everyone just ate and disappeared!

The last 2 years I decided to just be alone for the day. It wasn't so awful even though my family and friends felt bad for me. It was just one day, I made turkey and pumpkin pie for myself and to have leftovers when my kids returned, listened to Christmas music and enjoyed being inside and off the highways on a bad weather day. I sat in front of the fire and read and watched tv and did whatever I felt like doing. It was rather nice and I didn't feel sad or lonely, I think because I get out and do things with friends on so many other days.

Lots of people are alone on the holidays. It's not hard to find others who would love spend that day with you so they don't have to be alone. There are also special events for people who want to get away and not be around their families during this time. In a few years, when both my boys are off to college I'd like to go on a cruise by myself for Thanksgiving.

There is nothing wrong with not spending every single holiday with them every single year. Instead of stressing about seeing them, tell them you will be making other plans this year. Sounds like they are going to make snide remarks about you whether you are in the same room or not, so spare yourself the trouble and take a proactive (and preemptive) path away from them.

You can stay busy by learning something new. Take a photography, painting, horseback riding, or cake decorating class. Join a gym and take up kick boxing or karate. You can also take boating lessons in Clear Lake or kayak lessons on the bayou downtown. I know Rice University offers language classes but I'm not sure if they offer leisure classes over the holidays. If not, just check out language books at the library and learn that way. Houston has a million museums - visit a different museum on your days off.

When my cousin died in 2003 it was a shock to the entire family. He was the funniest family oriented person we had. We would go to my aunt's house for almost all of the family dinners. After he died we just didn't feel the same. It left a hole in us. The first holiday after his death was Thanksgiving. So we decided to host a Thanksgiving dinner through the church which was open to the community at large and our church family.

It was the best. No arguments over which game to watch. More than enough seating. Didn't have to cook great amounts of food. Easy clean up.

My mom died last year and we just had a quiet time together.

Great things to do on the holidays. I love the movies so I'm always up for checking out a film. I love to help others, so I volunteer at different places, places such as your local library to read to the children or local children's hospital or regular hospital. An old age home or homeless shelter. An assisted living facility. There are many places that people need to be loved on and love is something we all should have more than enough to give.

Your family is family because you were born in and didn't have a say. We are all a part of the human family which we get to pick and choose how we are going to interact with each other. Perhaps doing some act of kindness for someone else will help to take the sting out of your perception of the events of your father's passing.

I know my family took my mom's money and some of her possessions but so what? They can't ever take away the love we shared or the memories I have with her. That is what counts the most. Forgive them and move on. There are who they are and they should be free to be that even if you don't agree with who they are.

Peace and mercy to you as you work through your grief. It is a process.

some good ideas here, but i also wanted to add that it would probably be nice for your son if you make sure and do something with him as well. your last statement sounds like if you don't do the family thing, he won't have anything else to do either but go visit his dad's side. maybe take him out for a nice dinner or cook a nice meal at home just the two of you.

I've read some of the other responses and I think you should combine them. Do some volunteering because that'll just make you feel soooo good! And spend some time with your son - a homecooked meal for the two of you would be great. And then, once you've done those, treat yourself to some pampering at a nearby hotel. You'll be so busy, the holdays will come and go and you won't have been alone or felt lonely at all!

- Volunteer
- Host a "friends holiday" dinner- I'm guessing there are others you know who are not with immediate family on holidays. Growing up we lived very far from our family, so my parents always invited other "orphans" for dinner on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. You never really knew who would be there year-to-year, but it was a lot of fun!