Dinnertime BATTLES....help!

I just had to answer his one! It brought back memories of my son at that age.

There are two issues here: 1)what and 2)how much your daughter eats.

1. My son had been a great eater up to this point- loved everything, then suddenly stopped eating many things, including meat or chicken. At this age their taste buds are changing/developing, so I let him choose (from healthy selections). I had read about a study done on toddlers, and it concluded that given a healthy selection of food, they would choose not only a balanced diet, but would eat more of the things that they needed, if they had any kind of deficiency.

I checked this out with his pediatrician, because I was concerned about his diet (he had become vegetarian by age 3). The doctor asked what he ate, and when I listed his limited food list, the doctor said it was very healthy and better than what most kids his age ate. (It was something like "yogurt, pasta, veggies, fruit, eggs, grilled cheese and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

2. This same study said the toddlers also would eat as much as they needed, and would naturally stop (or not eat) when they were full. One of the causes of our overweight society is that we are made to eat as children, and we teach our bodies to eat when we are not hungry. We also overestimate how much food toddlers need.

Dinnertime is probably the most important "together" time for a family. It's so important to enjoy that time and not have it leave memories of tears and tantrums.

So my advice to you is to let her choose from what is served for dinner (I always tried to include at least one thing my son liked.) The rule was, you can eat whatever you want from what is offered. When he got older, this was amended to "...or you may make your own dinner." He learned to cook some simple things so when I was making something he really didn't like, he would cook along side me, and we would still all eat together as a family.

(I should mention that a related rule was that when we were guests at someone's house, he had to choose from what was on the table, even if there was nothing he would eat. In that case, he would put a small amount of food on his plate and politely try to eat a ittle.)

This ended up longer than I intended, but it worked so well for us once I stopped "making him eat" I wanted to pass it on.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

If she's not hungry, she's not going to eat. If it's a power struggle with you, currently she's winning.

In our house, dinnertime is dinnertime. If my daughter doesn't eat then, she doesn't eat 'til breakfast. Missing one meal is not going to lead to malnutrition, especially if she eats well the rest of the day. Try to make sure she's not snacking too much in the afternoon so she's hungry.

If she's really not going to eat, try not to let it bother you. If your goal is to institute "family time" you can set a kitchen timer and insist that she sit with you, eating or otherwise, for at least 5 minutes. Then she can be excused from the table to go play. The informal rule in our house is that once you've been excused, you can come back once or twice while we're still eating, but then dinner is over. (We're not going to hang out at the table for an extra hour because my daughter's decided to take a mid-dinner break to go and make a project or something). If you can change your mindset a little, this really is a win-win; you get family time with your daughter and, once she's done and off playing on her own, you get a few minutes of grown-up time with your partner! Sometimes those 5 or 6 minutes are the best minutes of the day with my husband.

Finally, try to remember that you and your partner get all the say over food stuff, and that's sometime lousy for kids. I mean, you get to have dinner when you're hungry, not when she's hungry and you get to cook and eat only things you like and you don't have to try new things that look unappetizing to you. Of course that's fine and how it should be because you're the grown up, but I also think its fine to allow her some control over what she chooses to put in her mouth. I'm not a short-order cook, so I only make one dinner, but if I make something the kids don't like, after they've tried at least one big bite, they can have a cheese sandwich. Maybe if you offer one easy alternate dinner she might consider eating a little more. If not, or if you don't want to do that, my advice is let her go. This is not a battle you are going to win, so give in now.

1 mom found this helpful

We had a long conversation with our ped at our 15 month visit about eating and eating habits. Right now my son eats decent breakfast and a big lunch. Sometimes it is a struggle to get him to eat dinner. The ped said that as the child gets older and hits three years, they start needing less calories. At age 3, they should be somewhere around 500 calories per day - depending on the child and how active they are. She said it is especially important, as the metabolism and urge to eat slows down, to make the right choices on what to eat. You can still continue with the same foods, but in smaller portions. The ped also said if the child prefers to eat more for breakfast and lunch, don't fight too much at dinner. If they are hungry, they will eat. They expect the kids to be hungrier on some days, and less interested in eating on others. The worst thing you want to do is start making dinner painful on the family. Put the food in front of them and if they are interested, they will eat.

H.,
Don't worry about it! My kids all go through phases where I either feel like I am going to have to get a second job to afford the groceries, or they are going to starve to death. Give two choices of food that you know they don't HATE. Just say, "okay, for dinner tonight I am going to let you pick, you can either have chicken or spaghetti." Make it sound like you are really doing something special and you will be surprised how eager they are to jump at the chance. I do this all the time with my three year old. Another example... "I am going to let you choose, do you want to pick up the toys or help mom put the laundry away??" If you are enthusiastic you will be surprised what they will agree to, especially when they think that there really are only two choices. Don't worry! Their little bodies will tell them when they are hungry. As long as you are offering that's all you can do. When they go through growth spurts they will want more and other times they may not. Also, try to limit drinks too soon before dinner. I have found this makes a HUGE difference.

I also have a 3 1/2 yr old girl that doesn't want to sit or eat at dinnertime. I've heard that it's bad to force them eat and to try to make it more about the social aspect of dinnertime. So the rule at our house is: you have to sit with us at dinnertime (maybe only 5-10 mins - and sometimes I set the timer) and there's no dessert unless you eat dinner. I would say that 80% of the time she doesn't eat, but that's her choice. Sometimes I stress about it, especially if she hasn't eaten well all day. But she knows that if she doesn't eat then she doesn't get anything else until breakfast. She can have water and that's it. Honestly, I think it bothers me more than her!

Anyway, try not to make too big of a deal about the eating part of dinner and set your dinnertime rules clearly so she knows what's expected of her. Sometimes I even let my daughter bring a book to the table just so she'll sit for a few minutes. Then after she's excused you can enjoy your partner's company without a screaming 3 yo on the floor. :-) Good luck... this too shall pass and we'll be stressing over teenager issues (oh no!).

Ugghhh, I have nothing to offer you. My daughter is EIGHT and still doing these things. But I can say THANK YOU for asking this question because the responses gave me a lot of insight. I am choosing not to fight this battle anymore. She eats great for breakfast and lunch and snacks in school, that's good enough for me. :)

Hello - I agree, not worth the fight! I also love "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense." It's a great book! Don't force your daughter to eat - she will eat if she's hungry. Forcing her is just pointless and causing everyone unnecessary angst.

H.,

Pick your battles, when mine went through that stage I did not force it. Sometimes they ended up having cereal for dinner. For fun some nights I let them help make dinner, something they really liked. Keep snacking down to a minimum before dinner. She is small at three, she might not be hungry for as you said she has a great breakfast and lunch. She just needs a little healthy snack for dinner like an apple or cut up orange with yogurt for to dip it in. She will eat when she is hungry. I would make sure all goody snacks are put away so she cannot see them or reach them. I even sometimes fed the children earlier than my husband and I so we could relax while the kids played. So many options for you. Family time is anytime you are all together, doesnt have to be at the dinner table. Three year olds change all the time, wait till you get to the stage that she will only have mac and cheese! Good luck!

D.

In my opinion what is the bigger issue...having some nice family time or making her EAT. If she eats good meals the rest of the day just let her sit at the table for dinner and eat what she wants to eat instead of making a big deal about dinner time...because that just makes for battles in the future. So my suggestion is just put a plate in front of her and let her eat what she feels like eating and if she doesn't feel like eating don't force the issue. As long as the family dinner time is peaceful again. Hope it helps.

Most Moms don't want to hear that their child is behaving "normally" just like other kids do on occassion, but it sounds like your daughter is displaying some very normal behavior. It also sounds like she's eating well throughout the rest of the day, and there is actually nothing wrong with eating a small dinner; in some cultures a small dinner is actually the norm and maybe even healthier in the long-run. Some advice I received when my children were younger that I'll pass along --- children won't starve themselves, eventually they will eat. If you continue to provide good, nutritious food, eventually she will eat it. Likewise, if you expect her to sit at the dinner table with you both, even if she is not eating, you will be establishing a beneficial routine that eventually you will come to cherish.
All the best!

Best advice I ever got when we were struggling to get my son to eat was "Don't make mealtimes a battle, because you won't win!" It is so true. People used to tell me he would eat when he's hungry. It's difficult for an adult to understand that logic, but if you put yourself in their shoes it makes perfect sense. If she doesn't want to eat, don't force it. Just save the food like another person recommended and heat it up later on if she says she is hungry. Sounds like she is getting at least 2 good meals a day so she is not starving. Good luck!

Hi H.,

my son will be 3 April 29th and eating has always been a battle with us- he has GI issues which has led to him being very picky, but, he's also a classic, willful almost- 3 year old. I have given up my obsession and anxiety over it and succombed to the comforting words of my pediatrician- they are fine if they get one good meal a day, otherwise don't worry, they'll eat when they want to. I have spoken to several moms iwth the same problem around dinner. My son, too does fairly well at breakfast and lunch and the minute I stopped stressing over dinner our lives are much easier. I make it, and if he won't eat it I try to find a few tricks to make ME feel better- i offer yogurt, and hopefully he'll eat just that. our big tool is organic fruit bars. He loves them and if he won't eat dinner I can generally get him to eat a fruit bar and at least he doesn't have an empty belly. Also, I've taken to putting organic rice crackers next to his bed when he goes up- typically by 7:00 he will eat them on his own with his water while watching a DVD. Good luck!

Hi H.,
Don't let your partner's agitation influence you except to do the right thing--whatever you determine that to be. I mean don't try to please your partner over all else.

I have to agree with Rachel K. I am in the same place with my own three-year-old and am always tempted to turn dinner into a battle. But then I remember my own experience of being "punished" at the dinner table constantly and made to sit there for hours until I cleaned my plate. All it did was make me angry and deceptive and caused me to fear new foods. I would sit and think of creative ways to hide the food I didn't want to eat.
Everything I read now says just offer up healthy meals and don't force the kids to eat or it creates negative associations with food. It really is ok to let them go to bed a little hungry if they won't eat their dinner. They eventually learn that if they don't eat at dinner they won't get dessert/bedtime snacks later - make it their choice. And they will grow out of that phase. My son is now 7 and is willing to try and eat most anything and life is so much easier now. I try to remind myself of that when my 3-year-old turns her nose up at everything!

Don't let it be a battle. My 2.5 year old rarely eats her dinner and we let it go. She eats a decent breakfast and lunch and snacks, and I try to make sure those are as healthy as possible. I like Ellen Satyr's book "Child of Mine: feeding with love and good sense". She explains that there are spheres of responsibility when it comes to feeding. For toddlers, its your job to provide them with nutritous and tasty meals that meet their needs and its their job to decide if and how much to eat. Forcing them to eat will just cause behavior issues and cause warped attitudes toward eating. Our daughter is healthy and not at all wanting for calories despite her lack of eating dinner. And she still sleeps through the night.

Good luck!

I would back off and leave your daughter alone. This is a phase. Make the usual family dinner, set a place for your daughter at the table, and if she is hungry, she can eat (whatever part of the dinner she wants & whatever amount she wants). If she is not hungry and she just wants to sit and enjoy family dinner conversation, she can. If she starts mis-behaving, she can be excused from the table. Don't praise her for eating, don't criticize her for not eating, just enjoy her company.

This phase will pass. Have patience and relax and enjoy family dinner.

T. Y
SAHM of almost 4 - 8 yrs, 7yrs, 16 months and 12 weeks pregnant

Hi H.,

If she is eating great throughtout the day then I wouldn't worry about dinner. I have a now 17 year old who did the same thing off and on from 2-5 years old we tried everything to make her eat and then finally took my grandmothers advice to just "let it be". She did however have to sit with us at the table until we were finished with our meal. Dinnertime became enjoyable again and she eventually started eating meals with us again. Things will work out just be patient.

Hope this helps!
S.

Even if it's difficult, don't fight over it. Let her not eat if she wants. It's terribly hard, I know. It sounds like your daughter is very well nourished and simply is exerting control. As long as she's healthy, don't worry about it. That is what our pediatrician said when our son went through this phase. Good luck!

I would just stop the battles. Battles are just going to make the problem worse. Letting her listen to her body now will help her in the future...she's not going to let herself starve. Just provide her with healthy food to chose from.

What is the purpose of a family meal? To gather together and share days events? thoughts? conversation? table manners?
you and your partner should decide what the value of dinner time is and go from there. Very often young children are tired and have had enough nutrition through out the day. If the evening mealtime is important, have the child join you for a set amount of time and do not focus on what or if she eats. Let her just enjoy the time together and you can model the other things you want her to learn(trying new foods, good manners, etc.)When the fight is gone she may be more willing to join you. Remember the parents decide WHAT and WHEN a child will eat, the child will decide IF and How much. If you know dinner time is not a big eating time, choose her earlier foods/snacks carefully to ensure adequate nutrition. If she chooses not to eat at dinnertime, do not offer another meal until breakfast. Good luck!

I would say, "This is dinnertime. Please finish your food by the time the clock looks like this (maybe 30 minutes)."
If she isn't done, take it away (but no dessert unless it's cleared). She won't starve and even if it's unpleasant, she knows what's expected of her and it's over in 30 minutes (hopefully not too torturous for you guys). After a couple of dinners, hopefully she'll come around.
E.:-)

I don't have much to offer except I am going through the same thing. What the other moms said made sense!

Try this: set the table, put out the food in the middle of the table (make sure there are plenty of options), leave her plate empty, everyone sit at their places, putting her at her empty plate and completely IGNORE her while eat your dinner. She will very likely become interested in eating on her own. She just sounds strong willed, and HATES to be pressured. Fighting will only make her more stubborn.

Buy the book by Linda Piette called "Just Two More Bites!: Helping Picky Picky Eaters Say Yes to Food". You can find it on amazon.com.

N. Clark MS RD

Forcing a child to remain at the table till they eat is a huge no no it can cause eating disorders later on if she doesn't want to eat simply teach her to ask to be excused from the dinner table but if she isn't hungry for dinner then she shouldn't be hungry for snacks so wrap her dinner up and when she says she's hungry later heat her plate up. You should discipline her for not being hungry at that particular time. Limit her snacks after lunch and don't let her fill up on drinks in between lunch and dinner and I always wait to give my children their drinks until after they have already started eating because many children will fill up on liquids instead of on food and remember to keep her portions very small she is only 3 so she only requires a small portion of everything.

all I can say is you and your partner need to get over it. If you fight with her about it all that is going to do is make everyone miserable. She will eat when she is hungry, if she's not hungry and you force her to eat she will not learn to listen to her body.
There are so many overweight and obsese people in this country and if you don't let her listen to her body about when she is hungry you will be setting her up for that.
Just make sure that when she is hungry she is getting healthy food choices.

H.,

Sounds like she is getting enough to eat for the day based on your description. With this age group you need to think in terms of days not each meal....meaning that kids will take in adequate amounts over the whole day or a few days so its OK if they don't eat much at one particular meal.

One thing that I read in Dr. Sears' book that I took to heart during the food battles: it is your job to provide nutritious meals and up to the child to eat what they need.

My 2 cents as a mom to 2 kids that were very picky eaters: provide food at dinner and let her eat what she wants. don't make a power struggle out of it-you only get misery for all.

Hang in there until the next phase hits:)

Oh H., I feel for you :( My son is the same way...he ate fine until he was almost 2, then all of a sudden it was No Dinner (and he's 5 now!). We could be having candy for dinner, but say "Time to eat dinner" then it'd be a big NO.

We still struggle with this a lot. Everything I have ever read or been told has said not to make a big deal of it, that he'll eat when he's hungry, so I try not to sweat it. My husband (like your partner) is less tolerant so it does end up as War sometimes. It's really hard; I imagine you, like me, don't want to undermine your partner's authority (esp. in front of your daughter) but then things escalate to a very uncomfortable situation. *Sigh*

I try to make dinner time as happy as possible. When my son flat-out says, "I Don't Like Dinner!" before he's even seen what we're eating, I tell him that's cool but that I'm going to put one bite of each food on his plate anyway so he can try it if he wants to. Most of the time he'll protest but he'll sit down anyway. That's when I try to make dinner relaxed and fun, talking to the all the kids about their day and the like. Then I ask his brother and sisters how their food is; when they say "It's delicious, Mom!" I'll ask my son if he wants to try some. He'll usually say, "I'm having one bite and That's It!" Most of the time, he sticks to his word; once or twice a month, though, he'll say he likes it and eat a plate's worth.

I try not to give in and let him eat cereal instead, which is partly how he got his negative about dinner (when he was little and I was working/attending school a lot, hubby was taking care of him and he would feed LOTS of cereal). I try to say, too, that when we're all done eating I'll leave his dinner for him so he can eat it when he's hungry. He, however, is very stubborn and very smart, so he usually will refuse to eat and go to be hungry b/c he knows he can eat breakfast foods in the morning. Sometimes, though, he'll relent and allow me to heat up his plate so he can eat.

Good luck, this can go on for years :(

--M.

I found this article very helpful when I started worrying about my 2 yr olds eating - they just don't need as much! http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/toddler/feeding_your_toddl...

So I would say - no dinner, no worries. She's getting enough food and nutrition earlier in the day, so there's one less battle for you! Good luck. If you're like me you'll have something new to worry about in no time ;-)

Hi H. -

I have a son who is almost 5 and I have been going through this for the past 2 1/2 years?? We have come to the conclusion that if he doesn't eat dinner, then that is all the food he gets until Breakfast.

He eats a good size breakfast, lunch and snacks at school, but when it comes time for dinner, 3 out of 7 nights (and that has gotten better from the 5 out of 7) he will not eat dinner.

So, instead of creating a completely miserable dinner experience for the entire family. If he says he doesn't like it, then he doesn't have to eat it. But he has to stay at the table until the rest of the family is done.

We did the, if you don't eat you are going to bed, we have put him on a timer, etc. As long as you know that he is getting healthy breakfast & dinner with good fruits, proteins & veggies (yogurts, etc) then I wouldn't worry about it. Even our pediatrition said, that he will eat when he is hungry.

And it has gotten better...SLOWLY! he is actually eating things that he used to say were yucky before...so just give it time!

Good Luck!

Hi H.-

One thing you could do to make yourself feel better is to invest in the book " The Sneaky Chef" by Missy Chase Lapine. It WORKS! Generally I feel my kids are good eaters but I have one who is very picky thanks to Sensory Processing Disorder. With the help of this book, I'm able to get good, nutritious food into him and he doesn't know. Even my other kids don't know the veggies and fiber that they're getting! Something else to try - offer her a choice, i.e., this is what's for dinner, I'd like for you to try it but if you don't think you can eat it than you may have this instead (in our house it's usually a peanut butter sandwich as I don't offer a menu). If she chooses neither, then just have her sit at the table to at least enjoy family time.
Good Luck!