Difficult Sister-in-law

Hi S.,

I had the same issue as you have.... Only I was on both sides of the problem.

My sister (who I love dearly) was a horrible disciplinarian. My niece ran wild... No limits being set because my sister didn't want to "squash her spirit". She would climb on furniture, take food off anyone's plate, pinch and scream. She would run when called, making everything a chase game well into her preschool years. (Sher was actually expelled from two preschools!) I remember my niece at 2 1/2 years old, using my screen door to "grate" her handful of cheese. When I scolded her, and removed the cheese.. my sister freaked out at my "interference". After that we only visited at her house.

My husband has 4 sisters, each with their own parenting style. We are all very close and spend a lot of time together. Some of his sisters are more lenient than I, some more strict.. all of them seeing no boundaries when it came to dealing with the kids as a group. I do subscribe to the "it takes a village" approach to childrearing, but sometimes it got really intrusive. We'd find ourselves stepping on each others toes. aqnd needd a "family meeting"...

The solution was to teach our kids the concept of "house rules" In one house you could eat in the livingroom, in another house you could not.. In one house "inside voices" was a strict rule, in another it was a cacophony of playful kids.

I'd suggest setting up house rules for your vacation place before you go. acknowledge that your SIL (and any other parents attending) have different rules, and that you need to come to a consensus on what you can tolerate and what you cannot. Explain your expectations to your kids, and respect the agreed upon limits. Also I'd tell your SIL that if she has a problem, to bring it to you ( unless it's a safety matter) And tell her it's because she is alienating your kids, and they are becoming afraid of her. Tell her you don't want her to b th bad guy.. and to leave that job to you when she's around.

Well, this is a good one. The first would be to ignore her little comments if they are of no importance, and if she gets under your skin, you can quipp back to her "in a joking/non-joking manner) "Hey Sue, yell at your own kids"
That should shut her up, or at least get her thinking about what she is saying to your children.
Mostly, just enjoy your vacation, and don't make her the focus of it.
Tell your daughter thet "we are going to vacation with auntie and co., say -"you know how she is, so I want you to try to behave please". It may not work, but your daughter will get the feeling that you are on her side.
Every family has one! Don't sweat it.

I am sorry to hear about your situation since my is very similar. I have a very mean sister-in-law and I have just figured out there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to be negative but I have tried talking to her many times and it always ends the same way- no imporvement. Our kids are two months apart in age but she has no interest in my daugher and does not encourage the kids to play toegther. I dread the day that my daughter realizes that her Aunt is not nice.

Good luck!

Holy cow - I could have written that myself... exactly. It's an awful thing to go through. My SIL is just like that and forgets that kids are kids... let them alone and let them have some fun for god's sake. My daughter is older than yours now, but over the years I tell her to come to me immediatly if Aunt says anything discipline-like to her and I deal with it. She needs to back off and leave everyone else's kids alone. Unfortunately, she (SIL) has lost a lot of friends because of this, and yet she still doesn't "get it." She yells, disciplines, etc everyone's kids and it's awful.

I would talk to your husband and perhaps he can set the stage. If it's his sister, he really needs to put his foot down and say enough is enough. These are my children.

I wish you the best. I know this is NOT easy. Good luck!!

Hi there S.. I like that idea of "house rules" that I read in the comment below. Gonna try that one myself. :) I also have an almost 5 year old (son) and almost 2 year old (son). I had a friend that did the exact same thing as you're saying your sister-in-law does. She even would lecture my husband on his child raising techniques. Man did that bug me. I think for this trip you probably need to establish some house rules that are suitable for everyone and the rest of the time try to make light of it and try to make a fun atmosphere. I feel your pain though. Really hope it goes okay. Keep us posted.

hmm...

Was she raised that way?
Was she raised by the person as your spouse?
Does he know how much it bothers you?
He would be the best person to comment on her parenting and her involvement in your children as they have had the same parenting themselves....he could comment to her, like..."how did she become such an uptight parent? Mom was never this strict"

How about some realistic comments from you hinting that....

Someday it will hit her how inapproprite it is to discipline other peoples children.....

She will never be the favorite soccer mom.

Her kids don't invite many kids for sleep overs do they? She must scare them all...

Some children are allowed to be children and grow up on their own without mommy to fight their battles.....

Sometimes it's better to let your children learn things for themselves...you don't have to correct everything, always...or, you will only teach them to be uptight and annnoying adults like your sister in law.

OMG...I honestly feel bad for you.
What an aweful scenario.
Just make sure your kids understand it is not them...they are behaving how they are taught to....if they don't like their aunt being mean, stop buddying with the cousins, maybe she'll get the hint that she will alienate her kids if she doesan't lighten up.