I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who is doing a couple extremely irritating things and I don’t know how to help her change them. I’ve been trying for a long time now, hoping she will either learn how to change it or grow out of it. No such luck. – yet.
First of all, she rarely talks nice and calm. She usually acts like she is having a crisis, even if it is something extremely insignificant. Instead of talking in a regular voice, she cries or whines. I’ve tried the “I will help you when you can talk in big girl voice” routine but it doesn’t work with her. She just keeps screaming about what she wants. So I give her an example to follow. She will attempt to copy what I say in a “nicer” voice, but still has a small whine or cry in it. Its better, but I am tired of having to give her an example of what she should say every time. I don’t want a parrot, I want her to learn to initiate saying things nicely by herself. All day long she screams about something she wants, I repeat it in a nice way and ask her to do the same, then she will attempt to repeat it nicely. I thought that after a while she would learn to say it nicely the first time, but for a year now she hasn’t. Any suggestions?
Second, when my daughter asks for things in this whiny voice, if she doesn’t get it immediately, she keeps asking again and again until she gets it. My other kids (both older AND younger) ask once, maybe twice, but then wait until I can do what they need. But for example, if my 3 ½ year old is hungry, she doesn’t ask for food, she cries “I’m HUNGRY! I’m HUNGRY! I’m HUNGRY!” (which keeps repeating) I say “OK, I’ll get you something to eat”. Even when she sees me opening the pantry, she doesn’t stop asking until the food is actually in front of her. Sometimes I can’t get it for her right away (usually when I’m nursing the baby or changing a diaper) and I tell her just a minute. She will scream what she wants louder and louder and throw a fit. If I put her in time out, she just screams what she wants again and again. Or she screams “I’m SORRY mom. I’m SORRY mom! I’m SORRY MOM!!” When she is in time out I want her to stay there until she is quiet for 3 minutes. Is that too much to ask for her at that age? Even in time out she won’t be quiet and stop asking unless I let her scream it out for 10 minutes. Then she stops and is quiet for about 30 seconds. Then it all starts over again with the initial thing she asked for. It isn’t just about food, it is anything she wants.
So to recap, she always whines when she talks, and she repeats everything she says a million times until she gets it, and she has no patients or “ability” (so it seems) to wait. And since my husband works at home, and it is crucial I keep my kids quiet while he is on the phone with clients, it makes it worse. Please help!! Any suggestions are welcome.
M.
Thank you for all your responses. I have gone through each one and put together a plan combining them all. It is working already!! I am so thrilled. She hasn't been repeating herself nearly as much. And as soon as I say her name in a stern tone of voice, she stops, apologizes, and asks for what she wants in a polite "princess" way. She is still learning how to wait, but that has improved as well. It has only taken a couple days to improve drastically, and now I am getting my sanity back. I'm amazed how these small changes have made such a difference. Thank you all so much. :-)
Oh M.! I can so sympathize with what you are going through! I have twin 3 1/2 year olds who both do the same thing (one worse than the other)! I truly believe the 3's are worse than the 2's. I just keep sticking to my guns and I don't give in. I think it is getting better and I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass!
My daughter is 3 1/2, too, and it was like you were describing her. These are some things we have tried with her, and they are helping. She's protecting her interests. She knows your busy, and wants to make sure she won't be forgotten or ignored. So, make sure you acknowledge her request the very first time she says it, not just a off-hand, "In a moment, sweety," thing, but where you pause in what you're doing, look at her, and say, "You want (fill in blank)? Okay, just as soon as I am done with (fill in blank) I will get it for you." And then remember to do it, no getting distracted by what your other kids are getting into. Probably the biggest help is that we have made a concerted effort to make sure she knows she is loved. Find ways to include her in what your doing. Notice her, notice what she does, and comment on what she's doing. Let her know she won't be forgotten. Also, I know that for me anyway, I would get so frazzled trying to do for all four of them that everything that was coming out of my mouth sounded impatient and exasperated, sometimes even when I wasn't. Once I started concentrating on sounding happier and more patient with her, the whining and fits have been reduced drastically. Now we're only treated to them when she's tired. Best of luck to you, hang in there.
Oh Dear. How difficult for you! And for your daughter. She has learned how to get what she wants, but what an exhausting way for both of you.
It sounds like you've got the right approach, but you need to stick to your guns and not cave in. It doesn't matter how long she whines and cries, simply refuse whatever it is.
Also, maybe try a twist on what you're already doing. Instead of saying "I will help you when you can use a big girl voice" say "I can't understand what you want when you whine/scream like that." That isn't much different, but in her mind it changes from you WON'T help her to you CAN'T help her because you can't understand her. You say that she'll respond in a nicer voice, but still with a bit of whine in it. Tell her "I'm sorry there's still a little whine in your voice. I still can't understand you." Don't respond until ALL the whining is out of her voice.
Be strong. You can do this. You have a very intelligent daughter who is manipulating you. You have to be smarter. Maybe just small tweaks in what you're already doing will help. In my years experience in being a teacher and a student, I'm always amazed how teaching the same concept in a slightly different way can suddenly click for a child.
Good luck!!
I think that your ultimate problem is that she eventually gets what she wants. Yes, some of it is attention seeking, but she is also learning a tremendous lesson in control right now, and if you think she's not learning self-control, you're wrong. What she had learned, is that if she screams and irritates you for as long as she has to, EVEN throwing fits in time out....she WILL eventually get what she wants, and she's exercising as much control to throw those fits as she needs to. Here is what I would suggest: do NOT give her what she wants when she acts like that...period. If she starts whining for food, tell her you will not give her anything until she starts asking nicely. If she won't, don't give it to her, eventually she'll get hungry and behave...and no, she won't starve. Also, tell her, that if she doesn't stop right away, that when she DOES get food, it will not be what she wants. Either she can behave immediately and get what she wants when you can get it for her (for example, if you're feeding the baby), or if she doesn't, she will eventually be able to eat, but it will be what YOU choose. Say she wants cereal...if she doesn't behave, give her breakfast, but make it toast instead, and tell her she can try for cereal again tomorrow and that she needs to remember this. If she starts up the next day asking for cereal and looks like she might start a fit, remind her gently, "I will get you cereal when I am done feeding the baby. Do you remember yesterday when I gave you toast because you threw a fit? Don't make that happen again." Do that for everything...games, food, toys, stories. When she does behave, then reward her with what she asks for, but only if she does it the first time....don't let her throw a fit for 10 minutes, then ask nicely, then get what she wants. Keep reminding her that she needs to ask nicely the FIRST time, and if she does, then she'll see nice results.
If she's throwing a fit, and time-out on the stairs isn't working, and if you don't believe in spanking at that point, put her in her room. At this point, it doesn't matter if she plays with toys, what matters is that you teach her that if she misbehaves, you will pay enough attention to her to send her away from you....and that is ALL. When she is willing to behave, she can come back down. If she screams so hard your husband still cannot talk to clients, that's when the hammer needs to come down, because that is unacceptable, and you need to be the adult and win the argument.
I know this may sound like a really harsh attitude, but at her age, she CAN contol herself, and you need to be serious if you seriously want her behavior to change. It may take a little bit, but I think that you will be surprised at how quickly her behavior will adjust if she sees continuity from you on this issue. Best of luck to you!!!
I really agree with what Jeanne wrote. I'm going through a similar thing with my DD. When she whines or shouts, we tell her we can't understand her and that she needs to ask in a big girl voice. Then we walk away and ignore her until she asks nicely.
When she has a tantrum, she goes straight into her room. We do not tolerate screaming fits and have left restaurants, play groups, and the grocery store because of them. We usually tell her that if she doesn't stop screaming and behave herself by the time we count to three, then we are leaving and she doesn't get to stay and play, or get the food she wants, etc. We also tell her that she can't come out of her room until she settles down. We have had to close the door and walk away several times.
The only thing I would add that I haven't seen in the previous posts is this, Before you let her out of her room, make her sit with you and talk to you. Ask her if she knows why she got put in time out. If she says "No" gently explain to her that she had a tantrum or whatever the bad behaviour was that earned her the punishment. You may have to explain what a tantrum is and that they are bad. You can also take the time to reinforce asking nicely. Then reassure her that you love her and that you don't love the bad behaviour. Give her hugs and kisses and THEN let her out.
A lot of kids end up feeling like they can't do anything right or that their parents don't really love them if all they hear is negative feedback or are they are constantly punished without any reassurance that mommy and daddy still love them. They eventually come to hate you for it and will lash out as they get bigger. (I've seen exactly that thing happen in my extended family)
When you find a quiet moment, With you child in your arms ask her if it is possible to practice talking the way you want her to. Say something like, 'Honey, you are soooo special to our family, and I am very glad you are here. Lets play for a minute. You be the mom and I'll be you. Then you act like she does and see if the mom does anything to correct the behavior. I don't know if this will work, I'm, just throwing it out there. Many kids, just don't see themselves as whiny, thats just how they are. But have her practice talking calmly, give her things to say in a nice way, have her repeat it back. Give hugs when practiced correctly. LEt her know that she only has to tell you one time, if she repeats she doesn't get what she is asking for. You hands are full! good luck and don't give up
M.,
Although I have not gone through this personally yet with my own daughter, it is almost EXACTLY what my SIL went through with my niece, which I witnessed first-hand on many occasions. I agree with Jeanne. What I saw happen with my SIL is that she always gave in. She couldn't take the whining and would just give her whatever she wanted and it never stopped, in fact I think it got worse. My SIL would frequently acknowledge that her daughter was "wearing her down." Also, she would give her a thousand chances — for instance she would threaten time out four or five times before actually putting her in there. And once in there, same thing of repeating she was sorry, etc.. My advice is to stick to your guns, be clear and follow-through as best you can. All of my SIL's friends have girls the same age as her daughter and all of them went through something very similar to this at three years old. It's the Terrible Threes!!
Good luck!
On a weekend (so not to bug hubby), litterally walk away from her. I have even locked myself in the bathroom...take the phone and chat with a friend...ha. Imagine a wall goes up in your head the moment she behaves this way. try to break this routine first. then, work on those Love and Logic Techniques again. "You sound frustrated. stand right here and I will speak to you in just one minute." then do it, bend down, hold her hands, and listen. try not to solve it, just ak how she could solve the problem. then ask her if she wants options and give her three ideas or examples of how she could ask you for help. Do realize that this is a stage of the age (I am on my second one). give her lots of control by letting her choose: "Do you want to waer the red shirt or the blue one." Teach her pick out her own clothes the niht before, do chores like putting hte soap in the dishwasher and putting away the silverware after wash. Just get her so busy, that there isnt time for her to whine. Mine is getting better but whines most when tired or insecure. so when he does, I somtimes actually stop what I am doing and scoop him up like a baby and take him into the quiet lving room. I hold him even if he is bucking and crying and I look at him like I did when he is a baby. he will calm down and even ask why I was holding him. I tell him I thought he just needed a hug. there is a lot of hormones going on with threes. Their moods are all crazy...like PMS. So handle her gently and give her more 'love" when you least want to.
My daughter is just a little older then yours. One thing that worked for me during this phase was to capitalize on her interest in being a "princess." We would practice using a "princess voice" for our inside voice. And I pointed out to her that princesses only asked once for something -- you'd never hear a princess whining or asking for something over and over again. Princesses always have good manners, and wait patiently. If she starts in with the whining/repeated demands we will ask her "Is that how a princess asks?" and usually (not always) she will modify her behavior. Not sure if your daughter is in the "princess phase," but if she is it might work ...
Very Best Wishes,
A.
Wow. I've read your post a few times now and just feel for you. I'd be bald from pulling my hair out! I'm a quiet person by nature and having a screamer would drive me batty. With that said I don't know how much this will help, but every time she even opens her mouth, I'd pick her up and sing the uh-oh, someone doesn't know how to behave song, and deposit her in her room. My guess is you'll spend a few days getting nice, strong arms from picking her up every two minutes and putting her in her room, but its better to have a closed door between the loud one and your ears.
Eventually she'll get the message that she can't be in polite company unless she is polite herself. Frankly I'd have zero patience for the behaviour and would probably resort to being rather harsh and abrupt until she gets the picture that speaking in a normal tone of voice is the only way she can stay to play with the family. I don't like being a drill sergeant with kids, but every now and again, they need it. And if there was ever a time....
