Detention for an 8 Year Old??

I think the school overreacted a little too harsh. Maybe your son forgot it was in there and didn't realize he actually had it. 1 hour is a little long for a child under 10 I believe. My Dad has been in education for 40 years and yes hid did teach me and I got a detention from him when I was younger (5th or 6th grade), but it was for only 1/2 hour and he would pull a book off the shelf and make us write what was written then at the end throw it away. My sister has ADD and she was given the benefit of the doubt (this was in public schools in Illinois). They need to understand a little more and be a little more tolerant but that is me.

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Good Morning J.,
An hour detention for an 8 year old is crazy for any offense. Kids that age do not have the attention span for that and it is not productive. He probably did not know why he was there at the end of the hour. I have never heard of an hour detention lower than high school age. I would schedule a meeting with his teacher and principal and explain that the punishment was not productive and forgeting his assignment notebook is not that big of a deal. Instead of punishing your son, they need to be working on strategies to help your son remember his materials. It is not uncommon for kids to forget materials for school, especially dyslexic and add kids. I would ask for a IEP or 504 so your son could get some accomadations to help him be successful.

My background-I have a son with both ADHD and dyslexia who goes to a private, catholic school. I used to teach and I am now the owner of Show-Me Dyslexia Correction Center. The school my kids go to has issued a 504 plan with some stategies that help my son deal with his weaknesses. They are not perfect, but I feel they try. It is so important at this young age to watch their self-esteem and build up their confidence. Punishment is not helpful. I would lay this out in a meeting and ask what are they doing to help support your son and meet his needs. Go into the meeting confident and willing to listen, but firm. Maybe even jot down strategies that help at home that they could try.
Good luck and check out my website show-medyslexia.com.

G. F.

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J.,

I agree with most of the other responders that 1 hour is far too long. I'm a teacher turned SAHM and in my opinion I think that if he is truly ADHD that him not even bothering to look in his backpack or forgetting it was there is totally typical.

My suggestions is this, talk to the teacher. Don't go over the teacher's head unless you continue talking to her/him and you get no where. Also, the two of you should exchange ideas and techniques that work with your son and you should both be using the same approach in and out of school. I don't think that this was a case of "lying" as much as it sounds like typical ADHD/8 year old boy behavior, as I said. My other suggestion is to research some behavior modification charts and have your son use these at home and school. They really work wonders and show your child how to take responsiblity for themselves and their own actions, because to be honest, 'I don't know' shouldn't be an acceptable answer (most of the time) for an 8 year old in response to things he should be and can be responsible for. My last little tip is this, whenever I got the response of 'I don't know' I'd always say one of two things in response: 1. If you did know what would you say? and 2. How sad not to know. The first solicited an answer almost every single time and the second is mostly geared at making the child take responsibilty and think about it. Good luck, it can be tough!

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My son got detention when he was in kindergarten, but that was for hitting someone, they were playing and it got a little too rough. Anyway, I think the detention they are making your child do is wrong. An 8 year old child, escpecially one with ADHD, cannot be expected to sit still for an hour. My husband and his family went to Catholic schools. He grew up in Illinois, but I think this will still apply. His youngest brother was diagnosed with a "learning disorder" and his parent's decided the Catholic school wasn't doing enough, so they put him in public school where he had a couple of special ed classes. Even his brother will say that going to the public school was the best thing for him. It sounds to me like his teacher just doesn't know how to handle his dyslexia and ADHD. And I think I would fight any future detentions. Good luck.

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J.-

My heart goes out to you. One I am dyslexic and two I have a son who is dyslexic. I have had two fights one for my self and one for my son. I took him out of public school and started home schooling 3 years ago. Fight for you kid. Your are going to go up against alot of very educated people who will try to medicate and dumb your kid up.
We are not dumb- very far from the truth. We are great thinkers. If Leonardo was here they would say he was ADD. Einstine was dyslexic, Thomas Edison they would of labeled him to. So, your son has a key as to how he learns. You find it and you will spark a flame. You must think out side of the box. There is a book in the libary called Reading by the colors by Helen Irlen. Also you can get tested and get glasses in Independce MO. Glasses no cure but, it could help. There are 80 different forms of dyslexia. The most comin is one that is sensitive to light. We like dark rooms and will have headaches if we stress ours eyes to much. I am very passionate about this. You need help, Have questions, write back, No kid or parent should go threw what I have had to go threw.
A site my son loves is cosemo.com. It is about $10 a month. My guess is your son gets lost in tv or video games. He has a get memory and never forgets once in the long term memory but, can't remember anything that happened 5 minutes ago. Really... need help don't be scared to ask.

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Unless medicated, an 8 year old with ADHD probably couldn't sit still for an hour detention where students aren't allowed to do anything--maybe even get another detention as a result. And the response he gave, as others said, was not a lie. He probably had no clue where his assignment book was. Doesn't your child have an education plan in his school? Any education plan should address this issue so he is not punished for something he can't help. And no, unless your town has good public schools, I wouldn't move him. He will get a better education in catholic schools, as long as you can get them to accommodate his learning differences.

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J.,
I have a 9 yr old step daughter who went through a lying phase and still once in awhile does because she has other things on her mind. Which is age appropriate. She also goes to a private Catholic school and has had detention. Now her school does detention based on a 3 strikes in 1 month. That's how it happened for her and I believe it was 2 yrs ago when she was in second grade. I have no problem with detention at any age because I am old school and believe in tough love however your situation sounds a little unique and I think I would be questioning as well. If my husband and I had a say we would 100% put our's in a public school. We feel it is a much better fit for her. Also so you understand my relationship with my step daughter she is 9 and her dad and I have been together since she was 3 and she is with us 50% of the time and I am a SAHM. So it's not like she is just here every other weekend. Out of all 4 of her parents I am with her the most. There is a Behavioral Pediatrician that we use and is a personal friend of our's here in STL that you might want to consult with. His name is Dr. Tim Jordan and he is located in Chesterfield. Their website is www.weloki.com. I wish you all of the best. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!
K.

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I have an 8 yr old, and I find the punishment at your son's school to be extreme and ineffective. Whether he has an attention issue is beside the point (actually, if he truly does have ADD, this punishment is even more inappropriate.) An hour of non-productive "think" time for that age is not ok with me. If discussions with the teacher and/or principal don't help with finding a better solution for your son, then I would consider changing schools, as well. I certainly would communicate with the teacher first, in a non-threatening way. I do agree with you, though. I find that type of punishment to be indicative of a domineering approach to discipline, and not the nurturing, student-first approach I would seek for my kids. Best of luck!

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I, too, think an hour detention for an 8 year old is too much. My son is 9 and does not have ADD/ADHD, and he'd have a hard time sitting through such a thing. And what does it teach?!

In addition, I think it's harsh. Wouldn't a more helpful (and loving, since these people are followers of Jesus) solution be to speak to your son and find out what's going through his head, rather than assuming he's lying? (This is how adults should approach problems, by seeking info and listening rather than accusing and assuming.) Maybe he simply forgot he had it-- or was confused, or upset, or who knows why kids do the things they do. He's only 8!

I don't know the ins and outs of the disciplinary system at my kids' schools, but I know that it focuses on having children think about the choices they made and helping them self-regulate to make better choices in the future. It isn't punitive. For example, if there was truly a problem and a child was doing wrong and needed to calm down (saying you didn't have your book report would NOT count), they might gently (and lovingly) be directed to a "safe" place where they could calm down and write about the choice they made and its consequences and what they could do differently in the future. An adult would help them with these concepts. But that, again, would be for an infraction far more serious than your son's.

My son has been terrible about turning his homework in, even when he has it done. I don't know why. I've spoken with him about things he can do to prevent this, like putting his homework back in his folder as soon as he completes it at home and checking his backpack first thing every day when he gets to class. Thankfully he's never had a detention for simply struggling, as we all do when we're growing, to learn responsibility.

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J.,
As a former teacher at several different schools (catholic, public and specialized for kids with learning disabilities) I would recommend first trying to work closely with your school. Help them understand the best way to work with your child - that he gets upset when he doesn't know the answer and then makes one up - encourage them to help him work through the "I don't know". You may need to move him to a public school eventually - so that he doesn't fall behind in reading. My experience has been (try as they might) Catholic schools rarely have the resources that public schools have to help kids with dyslexia, ADD/ADHD and other learning disabilites. I am a big believer in Catholic shools - it's where I plan to send my son, unless he has a learning disability and then it will most likely be public. Good luck, you have a long road of being your son's advocate ahead of you - but you can do it!! Oh, and by the way - NO I do not believe that 1 hour detention is an appropriate punishment.

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I think Cathy C.'s advice is right on. Unfortunately, in this day and age, many teachers do not fully understand ADD/ADHD, other than as a label for a child with difficult behavior. The teacher obviously needs to be "educated" regarding your son's needs.
In addition to what Cathy offered, the person who evaluated him may have some information/strategies that can easily be incorporated into the classroom to help him. With more insight, perhaps the teacher will actually understand that he's not just being defiant and can help to accommodate his needs. It will require a bit of effort on her part, as well as some flexibility.
I also believe the one hour detention is totally out of line, not only for the supposed "crime", but also for where he is developmentally. You said he has been "unofficially diagnosed" with ADD/ADHD. Very often processing issues, such as dyslexia can cause similar behaviors as ADD/ADHD, especially when a child feels "lost" and can't keep up with what is going on in the classroom. Perhaps you need to pursue further evaluation for a definite diagnosis.

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Hi J.,

First, a 1 hour detention for an 8 year old is a little much, and a little pointless. There is NOTHING he can learn from staring at the walls for an hour. Sit him down and ask him what happenned. Do you think he was lying, or forgot, or was he not paying attention to the question and misunderstood? Then you may want to try and work with the school. Is there just a big personality conflict with this specific teacher or do you think the philosophy of the school will hinder your son in the long run. If you are thinking about public school, then check out the options you have in your district. There are some really good public schools and some not so good public schools. It really depends on where you live. Look at all your options. Good luck J.!

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J.,
Yes an hour is extreme! Forgetting and losing things is apart of ADD so I would watch him closely. Organization and focusing on everyday mundane tasks is more difficult for ADD kids so you will just need to work on this skill with him more and keep him more prepared for his day. I understand the lying because if he doesn't whatever he says is just going to sound like excuse. Don't be too hard on him yet:) Best wishes to you and your son.

Dana

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Good morning, J.:
An hour detention is a very long time for an 8 year old, especially one with dyslexia.

I work with dyslexics from all around the Midwest; one thing I know is dyslexics are creative, imaginative and easily pulled off their focus. Your son obviously did not know where his assignment book was. He knew the teacher wouldn't be happy about that so he reacted in a way that was uncharacteristic of him. We’d call that disorientation as in his brain and senses were not working together for a time. Disorientation can also happen when he is tired, hungry, isn’t feeling well, or from many other factors.

Regardless, in my experience, few teachers understand dyslexia; many of them will even say it doesn't exist. Whether your son is in a private or public schools the teachers are most likely still not going to have the tools to help him. In a school setting it helps to find another person who understands what dyslexia is. That might be a Para, another parent, or a teacher in another grade. At least then you’ll have someone you can talk with about the situations your son encounters.

My website is www.onpointlearning.org you can check it out for more information or email me at ____@____.com if you have any questions. You might be interested in the 37 common characteristics of dyslexia. The school could certainly benefit from seeing that list as well.

Have a great day!

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I think add, adhd, it doesn't matter..detention for an 8 year old is ridiculous!

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I truly don't think he lied. I also firmly believe that the teacher handled it WRONG. I wouldn't move your child, I would simply conference with the teacher & ask "how" she was the one looking in the bag....why didn't she have him double-check....which is usually standard method when a child claims not to have something! (& that's usually what most of us do whether at home or school or work....we double- check.)

I think the teacher allowed this situation to get out of hand. Is she fully-qualified & does she have any training in dealing with children with special needs? That would be my starting point in deciding where to send your child, & I would not make any changes until end of school year.

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Ok, so here is my take on it, because my daughter is also 8...if a child is put in an uncomfortable situation where they are unsure or confused, it may not be their intention to "lie" it may be them attempting to tell them what they think the expected response is...my daughter gets nervous and in social situations ( outside of home) will freeze up...if she was pushed, she would probably burst into tears...so is your sons reaction better or worse? I don't think either reaction is something that should see an hour worth of detention at age 8...heck a time out should be the minutes of their age...so an 8 year old should get an 8 minute time out. But then thats just my opinion, follow your mommy instincts...lots of luck = )
B.

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I am not really educated about your sons condition, but if the school has no tolerance for lying it may be a good lesson for him? Does he have a good reason why? Or did he just forget he had it? Im trying to teach my daughter (4y/o) that lying is very bad. One time she told me her grandma beat her up!!! Seriously that would NEVER happen and I couldnt believe she came up with something like that! We are still working on her making up things, she always says her cousin pushes her and pulls her hair when I watched them the whole time and nothing like that happened! She gets in BIG trouble for it. I know it seems a little extreme but maybe there is a bigger reason behind it. I would say if they are passing out detensions to your 8 y/o all the time for things he cannot control, I would consider moving him to some other school that is better suited for kids with special needs. Good luck!

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You might contact The Churchill School ###-###-####. They ar having a Parent Workshop on Jan 24th. for Ad/HD. Go to their wedpage to fine out more. churchillstl.org
I have two sons with dsylxia. Email me any time you need to vent.

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Hi J.,
I'm a dyslexic that attended a catholic school for 12 years. Granted, this was during the 70's and 80's, but they didn't have a clue as to why I was performing so poorly. There wasn't anyone that could recognize the signs or any special program in place to help kids like me.
I struggled every day, but was able to pass a little above average. It wasn't until I got to college where I had a professor recognize the signs and sent me to the Academic Support Center. I was able to turn around my GPA to a 3.6 by the time I graduated.
Now, my husband is also dyslexic...and ADD/ADHD. He went to public school. They recognized the signs right away (first grade!)and also had a program in place designed for kids like him. After that, he said it was easy to get good grades. His mother is still very thankful for all their hard work and dedication.
After discovering my dyslexia in college, I took some time to research it. It SHOULD be diagnosed and addressed anywhere between first and third grade. This is when the success rate is at it's best. If not, then you get kids like me who work their butt off for a 'C' average. Also, kids with dyslexia often have above average intelligence, but when the proper guidance isn't in place, it remains to be seen.
I'm sorry if this is long winded, but here's my point. If you feel that your son will not receive the guidance he needs from the school he is attending, then it is time to find the school that will do so. I wish that my parents had...I believe if they even knew what was going on with me, they probably wouldn't have changed schools (they were dead set against public schools), but at least sought out some after school help or something.
I hope this helps and Good Luck!
lb

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Sit down and talk to his teacher about his problems, but also support her in her discipline. Removing him from a private school to a public school???? If you can afford to him a private school education, you are very wise to do so.

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Only my personal opinion here, but I wouldn't even put a child of 8 in "time out" for that long. That is basically what they are doing if he is only allowed to sit and stare at the walls for that long. I always heard that one minute of time out per year of age. In fact, I think if one of my kids went to school and said I made them sit and stare at a wall for one hour, I am not so sure that I wouldn't be getting a visit from a social worker?
Like I said .... just my opinion.

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Good Morning J.. I hope you have gleened alot of information and suggestions for the other Mama's here. Gretchen Excellent post.

Our two son's were both labled or carried the ADD thing around for years. They were placed on medication, which after a while they dispised. They said it made them feel like Zombies.

When I walked in one day and found our eldest son surrounded by a BOX with a string affixed with a sheet of paper I about come unglued. This was THEIR way to keep him on task, not allowing him to see anyone or anything in the room if he needed help he had to put the paper on the string on the outside of the box. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr He couldn't even see the blackboard when instructions were writen out. HE was removed from That blasted Box that Day!
I became an Aide in the room.

Few years later I decided to homeschool. One hour for a child with this type of disabilty < for lack of a better word, is WAY to long nor needed. ADD/ADHD/ children have a difficult time with follow through or even some directions, they need to be repeated sometimes.
His Teachers response could of been, Your not sure well lets check together, End of story. But they decided he purposely lied. Their little brains go round and round to try to get to the right place with the right answer.

Since they had no desire to help you obtain or examine, his medical condtions, I think I would have a small little pow wow with the teacher and principal. Help them Understand what is going on with your son's thinking abilty and reasoning ability.

Sorry Mama's in my aged ole mind this was completely way out of Bounds/ Over board punishment for a child with his condition and ability's.

Praying for you J. and for your little man, encourage support uplift him daily.

K. Nana of 5

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Just a short note. Does the teacher & principal know that your son is Dyslexia and probably ADHD? If not they should. My daughter went through Catholic Schools also. She never had such a severe punishment but before she was diagnosed LD & ADHD after 3rd grade she hada teacher call her stupid, lazy etc. The school should work with you and you with them. May daughter was VERY forgetful. I had to have a chart to remind her of everything so I was not constantly nagging. Very possibly your son did not lie and just did not know the assignment book was in his bag. My daughter was still like that through High School. She had some wonderful teachers and some horrible teachers. The wonderful teachers got her through. She got her diploma but as a Senior in Hight School was still at a 3rd grade reading level and 6th grade math level. She is now married with 2 bright boys. Her 10 year old displays some ADHD but we are trying to work through it but is a straight A student. Good luck and keep in touch daily if you have to with the teacher & principal.

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I don't understand why you asked for peoples thoughts whether they be plus or negative and in your follow up you bash the people who disagreed with you! I have dislexia and never lied to my teachers. Maybe the difference here is that my mother would not have made an excuse to my lying so therefore I knew that it wasn't tolerated. Sounds like the school won't tollerate it too. Stop making up excuses for your son, everyone learns differently, even those who don't have learning dissabilities!!

There is a reason private schools are better than public schools. I think what happened was fine, and it's teaching him a lesson and making him accountable for his actions instead of blaming it on some disorder he may(or may not) have. How do you know he's not lying to you at home? Maybe you're just too easy on him and would never think your little boy would ever do anything like that to you. Often times when one is lied to, they never know it. But also, if you accept his answers at home of "I don't know", then he doesn't have to lie to you, OR give you an answer. I would keep him in the private school, sounds like they're doing a good job.

J.,

I had a similar issue with my 5 year old. (Although it was not for lying, but another issue.) They (public school) kept her after school for TWO hours to "teach her a lesson". Two hours?!?! For a 5 year old?!?! I was not happy about it at all, but let them do it with much apprehention. I don't know that it worked or not, but we haven't had the issue since then (about 6 or 7 weeks ago). I think it was harder on me than it was on her, but I also think it is a little excessive. Unfortunately, the schools have their "rules". I wish I could say it is different in public schools, but I don't think it is.

I also wanted to mention, for your son, that you may want to look into Behavioral Optomitry for some of the issues he may be having. There are several websites out there. You can check out a local KC Behavioral Optomitrist at www.visiontherapykc.com. There are several links on the website to other resources as well.