Desperate Mom Is Going Crazy.

I had some issues a few years back. The best advice I received was the suggestion to get and read this book.

It's called "Try and make me"

It deals with kids that want to run the show. It talks a lot about how when you get all flustered about their behavior they feed of off that. you need to stay calm, don't over react but lay out a clear set up expectations and consequences.

ie) TV is not a regular, nor a bribe in my home. It is an earned privilege for meeting expectations (behavior, school work, chores,...

Also My kids know that any time there is the slightest start of a temper tantrum what ever is going on will be quickly ended without my nagging and multiple warnings.

They've learned it will not benefit them by testing my patience.

All in all I can't say enough about the book and how it changed my parenting.

It sounds like your children have been through a lot in a short period of time. They left their grandmother which had to have been very hard. My mother lives with us and I know how attached my children are to her. When we were having a new house built, she stayed with my sister while my husband and I were in an apartment with the children. It was only for a month but my children missed her dearly. Their behavior changed dramatically. My oldest, who loves school, suddenly refused to go on days when she knew my mother was coming.

Did your boyfriend live with you and the children before? If not, the children have to adjust to living with a different adult who probably has different rules and expectations of them. They are young and probably confused.

Have you tried having a special time with each of them to find out how they are feeling about all the changes. Your older two may find this helpful. If you give them a chance to tell you how they feel, they may be more inclined to listen to you explain how you feel when they are acting out. With regards to the chores I often remind my older daugther that when she helps me, I have more time for her. She gets it.

I borrowed an idea from Supernanny-the jewel jar. My children each have a jewel jar for chores and behavior. I have made chore lists, each chore is worth a certain amount of jewels depending on the time it takes to complete. They also earn jewels for getting "caught being good." Now, they lose jewels for specific behaviors. My oldest loses them for saying the word "stupid, stomping her feet and hitting herslf. My middle child loses them for yelling, hitting and not being a good listener. My youngest loses them for spitting, using "potty" words like poop and hitting. The appeal of the jewels is that they are worth money. Each jewel is worth ten cents. It doesn't sound like a lot but they are 8, 4 and 3 years old. They love getting the money because they can buy ice cream from the ice cream man or treats when we are out. They can also chose to save the jewels for a trip to the toy store or to have extra money when we go special places. My oldest is great at delaying gratification so she always saves her jewels.

Have you tried having some "mom" time? I have days when I can't wait for my husband to come home so that I can go and get milk. He always offers to pick it up on the way home but I have explained to him that even the half hour out helps. Sometimes I drive around for a while before going home and relax while he puts the kids to bed.

Please do not think I am trying to be a know-it-all. I certainly seek advice on the same issues with my kids. I have days when I am so tired and my head is pounding. I just wanted to offer suggestions and support so that you know that you are not alone.
Barbara

Get counseling from a professional. Try Dr. Dante Sanchez at COHMAR in Philadelphia.

I feel for you,When i was with my children father I was the one who always disciplined.I remember growing up and my mother would say wait till your father gets home,so needless to say she showed us that he was in charge not her.I wasnt going to deal with that with my kids.So I was the one they had to fear not him.I remarried when my children were 3 and 5 and my husband had 3 daughters also 2,6,9 so we had a house full my son was the only boy.Again I didnt leave him have full control either i have been divorced for six yrs.I have been raising them alone and dont get me wrong they were not angels at your children ages either.I would take the t.v.away no phone calls and no outside and I would have them write why are they being punished and what can they do to be better.Now the t.v. etc. would be up to you how long they go without it,and how many times they write I made my children write it at least 20 times.I did make a chart with a list of chores and at the end of day I would put star's by there name & @ the end of the month the one with the most star's got a prize.I stoped the chart with my children at the age of 13 they are now 17 and 19. My son no longer lives at home but my daughter does and iam on her back really quick when she dont do what she is suppose to do.I still take away things and ground her and she hates it.But i told her you want respect you have to earn it.She has been doing better.Just make sure whatever you say you will do if they misbehave stick by it so they no you are for real.And also if your boyfriend corrects them etc.dont disagree with him infront of the kids they will thrive on that do it when you to are alone.Good Luck

I would try to give them extra hugs and love. My three year old daughter went through a funk, biting, kicking, hitting, not staying in time outs. I found I really over praised her with love and hugs when she did things right.

Instead of buying them things or rewarding with treats. Trying rewarding with hugs. Its free and its worth a try!!

Good luck

ps Every night when I tuck my kids in bed. I tell them what they did to make me happy. That way they know what to expect from me. (Ex. I am so glad you peed on the potty today, I am so glad you made your bed before you went to school, I am so glad you were good in the car when we ran errands etc.)

Some nights it was hard to think of one thing. some nights I could go on and on. They love to hear it and remind me if I ever forget.

What a challenge! There has been a lot of change lately and it seems the children are having difficulty adjusting. I would expect more from the 7 and 8 year olds than the 2 and 3 year olds.

Have you talked to the older ones to see just what is really going on? Their disobedience and their actions are most likely a symptom of something else that is going on for them and they just dont' know how to express it. Let them know you are there for them, you love them, and that the only way things will return to "normal" is if everyone works together.

I would make sure that you have a routine when you get home and that each child is responsible for one task before dinner. Even the 3 year old can help here doing someting like putting napkins on the table for dinner.

Personally, I television and games should go off until they can be a little better behaved. Once they begin to be active and helpful members of the house, then they can regain some tv or game time.

This is a very difficult situation. I do hope things work out soon.

Hi R. I am also a mother of 4. I have one child(9yrs) who is giving me an extememly hard time right now. He lies, he goes out without saying where he's going.(2 hours to walk the dog) and he thinks that I am screaming for nothing. All of my kids argue alot and basically are driving me nuts too. My 4 year old is the only girl and the boys have her fighting and yelling like a grown man. I do try to talk and stop yelling and let them know it's better to explain how you feel instaed of hitting . I tell them to tell before hitting but then they tell EVERYTHING and that drives me nuts too. I think it's the age group and having 4 kids we're not moom's we are schoolteachers! Good Luck sorry I didn't really have solutions but at least you know it's not just you

I know you are exhausted but consistency and patience are the key. When you were living with your mom, they knew the rules and how far they could push you. With all of the changes in your life, they are probably not sure if those boundaries are the same and are pushing to find their limits. They may be aware of some of this but I'm sure that part of it is an emotional response to the changes. Being consistent will get you there but it will take time and patience. Also, your boyfriend has to be part of it. He needs to be consistent with them as well. In the meantime, when they really start acting out and you feel like you can't take it anymore, take a time out. Put the child/children who are misbehaving in time out and take a moment for yourself in another room. Sometimes this means having other activites for the other children on hand (a coloring book and crayons or a favorite video work for me).

When all else fails, pick up the phone and call your Mom. She may have some advice of her own, some trick or piece of knowledge she picked up on from living with you and your children that can help you deal with whatever they've done.

Good luck.

Ok..this is out of control...you havent lost control yet..so mind me when i say this...you still have a chance...okay...STOP BRIBING THEM!!!!Whe you want go somewhere, dont wait till you are in the car to say anything about behaving, and dont say "ok now we are going to be good in the mall ok"...that is technically a question...You tell them, "We are going to the mall and you will behave or we are coming home, do you understand...do this before you even leave the house...sit all of them down and be firm!!!!you all sit on the floor, and you look at them in there eyes and tell them what you expect....Be consistant....I used to be a nanny "live in", of 5 children and I did this often...try it...I also seem to think that all of this "NEW" stuff is really crazy for them...they are prob overwhelmed as you are....NO TV untill all the mornig chores are done....After lunch, NO TV till chores are done and so on....

Hi, I used to have your problem with my now 7 year old. When my son was turning 5 (which we lived with my parents at the time), I got involved with a great guy (whom I'm now married to). Well, I gave into my son alot and it took my husband back then to show me how much. My son acted up, didn't listen to me, was mean, very hateful, aggressive, and violent. Well, ontop of all of that, shortly after my parents announce they are splitting up. So now not only is mommy in a new relationship, but people he lived with for the first 5 years of his life were leaving and moving.
Well, shortly after I started dating my husband, we decided to get married,and bought my parents house. So at least that saved a big move for my son. But he still had to deal with not understanding why his grandparents were splitting, and then when all of this happened, my dad tried to get my son to turn against my mom.
This poor child dealt with all of that, and then a new set of house rules when my now husband moved in with us. He tried playing the two of us against each other, told me he hated me because I used to give him what he wanted and etc... That's when my husband said look, you need to get control back. So we both set down and made a list of rules and consequences. As hard as it was for me at first, and as tiring as it was. My son is a completely different child now. You have to both agree, join forces and show your kids "Hey, we are the bosses, not you, and this is what will happen if you continue this behavior." Make the list of consequences, and stick with it. At first the taking away tv, or any games (PS2, and GBA) worked. Then after they didn't anymore we took away time with friends or grandparents. Try different things, pending on the childs phase will pend the consequences.
I have a friend dealing with this right now. She and her son's father are split. I'm trying to help her, because I see exactly the way I was in her now. But when you tell them to stop doing something, and they don't, tell them if you don't stop this is what will happen. Don't threaten (because they'll push buttons to see if you'll stick to it or now), they call our bluffs very well. Stick to the punishment and don't back down. Don't let them get the best of you and the best thing to do is for you and your boyfriend to join forces. That's the best thing that happened with my son. Good luck, hope I was some help.

I know how you feel.
I have 3 boys ages 11.7,8 and they get out of hand at times also.This is what i do,i give them a time out no game,tv or toys.They have to sit and think about what thye did and tell me why it was wrong befor they can resume any type of play time.My 8 year old starting acting up in school and me and his dad went and sat in his class right behind him,he was so embarrassed.We talked to him in front of his class and told him.If the things that would happen if he didnt get it together,Such as they get a good report card they usually gets something nice..told him even if it is good and ur bad at school you wont get anything for your good report card.They have to be good to earn things such as snakes which is fruit or a treat which is chips or candy or something like that.It has been working and its getting better.They also now wanna work twards an allowance lol.I hope this helps you.

Hi again...This is too wierd!
I don't know what to say, but they do need a steady male role model in the house, one that's not going to flake out, or play games with them, no matter what anyone says, children love boundries, and structure. Keep up the tally idea (I thought it was a good one), and no threats- you have to follow through! Good strong direction is what they need, and most of all consistency!

My goodness! We seem as if we are walking the same road here! I also have 4 children. They are 8,7,5,3. My children have been through alot in the past few years. Divorce, moving, new step parents, new house and school. It's been h*** o* all of us. My new husband is pretty tolerant, however, it does take it's toll on our relationship when the children are not listening. My 5 year old sees a theropist because he has ADHD with Anger management issues.
I also work full time, and I just recently started a home based business that I love, and soon hope to make my only job. Things are hectic, and I too could use a vacation. Thank goodness I will soon get one if the business does well. I would love to share stories with you and chat more. It's so nice to talk to mothers who have the same issues and experiences as I do. Please write back.

These changes are a lot for kids to adjust to. I would treat them, for a while, as if they were considerably younger, and adjust my expectations downward. They've moved out of grandma's house, they're living with a new man, and just about everything is different. I would try to simplify things as much as possible. Sometimes guidance counselors have lunches with selected groups of students. Maybe you could try to organize that for your seven-year-old. And maybe you guys could set up regular times with grandma to come over for dinner, or go over there with the kids, and put on the calendar the date, and help the kids mark down the days until grandma comes.

Also, if your boyfriend doesn't have kids, he might be having unrealistic expectations about what these kids are supposed to do. Four kids is a lot to take on when they're not yours.

Another thing...since he's not your husband and he is not their stepfather, my take is that he really ought to be out of the discipline mix as much as possible. And, quite frankly, it's probably confusing for these children to be living in the home with a man who is not their father and not your husband. Too much chaos, too much up in the air.