Death of My Mom

M.,
My dear sweet lady. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It is so hard to lose a parent. Even though we know they will go before us. I lost my Dad Jan 2. We had lost my Father in law the previous Sept. The whirlwind that started last Sept. is just starting to come down to just below a gale force wind.

If I had it to do over again(my Dad) this is what I would do:

1. Write down every person who called or brought food.
Our funeral home supplied thank you notes for my Father in law and we had many left over. I split them up between my siblings and I and we tried to catch everyone.
2. Focus on the good memories of my father instead of the chaos that was left behind. My dad was 86 and in fairly good health we thought. He was caring for my mom with dimentia. He got tired of taking care of her. He became sick and didn't tell anyone until Dec 22 I arrived for a weekly visit and he couldn't get out of bed. His lungs were full of fluid and after 10 days in ICU his heart finally gave out.
3. Remembered that this time of intense pain will pass eventually. I found a Greifshare group and it was the difference between living and existing. The group was great to share thoughts and feelings. It is biblically based and it showed me how to deal with grief. website is Griefshare.org.
4. We wanted to do something for my parents wonderful neighbors. We all live 20 minutes from their home and they were really good about calling them if they didn't get the papers and us as well. But, with finding an assisted living for my mom and taking care of the estate, we only ended up sending notes. It sounds like you have some really wonderful people to send something to as well. Make it easy on yourself and send flowers, or cookie bouquet. It is simple and they will love it. KISS principle works well here - Keep It Simple Silly!

Don't beat yourself up about having to have medication. I should have done the same. Mom came to live my hubby and I for a month while we found her new home. I sure could have used that med myself. We also did the Memorial serivce in that time frame. I didn't get to help with it because I had Mom. It will be thearputic for you to go through those events. It does assist with the greiving process.

IT IS REALLY OK TO BE SAD!!!!! The greifshare people send out encouraging daily emails. Sign up for them and read them. It is amazing even after 9 months how timely and wonderful they are. That is the first thing I do every morning. They send them out for a year. It has made a difference for me.

Do your best to keep the siblings together. Try not to have know down drag out fights over "stuff". Everyone is greiveing and they will do it differently, so try not to take things said in anger personally. Give everyone an extra measure of grace, inculding yourself. Talk to your kids. Let them know how you feel and let them express themselves.

Buy a journal and write everything down. It is helpful at the moment to get the feelings out and to go back later to see how far you have come.

This is a hard time for every person. We all will go through this at some time. Hang in there! Praying for you!

M., I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 6 years ago, she was only 49. You are going be on a roller coaster of emotions for awhile. Sometimes it feels like yesterday for me and that hole in your chest will close slowly, but never all the way. I'm the oldest and felt I had to be the stronger one too. My main support was from my bro and grandma. We would call eachother for support and leaned on eachother alot. As for a way to thank people, a card with a hand written note is plenty enough when you feel up to it. Someone else said it perfectly. "They did it out of love". Give yourself some time. The grieving process, esp in the beginning, takes awhile. The first year is the hardest, but give yourself at least a month or two to even start feeling halway normal. Hang in there sweetie!

Hi M. -

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how devastating this must be. As for getting something special for a few.....have you thought about getting a small Bible or something like that? That might be something that could be really special to your sister.

As for being the "rock" you have to deal with challenges that come your way. Don't put that on yourself. You need to grieve just like everyone else. I would encourage you to turn to God in this moment. We can never understand why things like this happen but we can lean on Him.

You will be in my prayers

I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom died at 62 when I was 35 so I can empathize what you're going through. She lived out of state and my sisters were able to be there much more than I. Make a list of people that you want to acknowledge and as you have time and emotional energy, write them a nice letter telling them how much what they did meant to you. I wouldn't think additional gifts would be necessary....This summer, I helped a dear a dear friend that just died mid-August because her family lived mostly out of town and she was single with kids. I considered it a priviledge and a blessing to have been able to do that and I became close with some of her family members whom I had never met. It was enough to know how much they appreciated someone who loved her being with her when they couldn't. You've got enough on your plate, don't worry about gifts. One day at a time....

Just a simple thank you in a note or even verbally will do. I wouldn't worry about gifts. They didn't do their acts of kindness to get gifts, so don't put pressure on yourself that way. I lost my dad in 1981 and still have a hard time sometimes, but you will get through this. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be the strong one for everyone else. You have as much right to your grief and pain as anyone else. Give yourself a break; you need one.
Losing a parent is a most difficult thing to go through. I was only 17 when I lost my dad and am now 44 and sometimes still cry like a baby, but it really is okay. So don't be so h*** o* yourself; just grieve in your own time and in your own way. You have my sympathy. Just remember to do something special for yourself along the way. You deserve it.

Hi M.,

I am very sorry that you and your family are struggling right now. I don't think you should worry about finding gifts. A card or letter with your sincere gratitude is enough. Let people know that you are grateful for their help while you were in a hard time, that you appreciate their caring enough about you to stand in when you needed help and didn't ask for anything in return. Looking for just the right gift sounds like another stressor to you right now. Maybe writing your thanks will also help heal you.

If your kids are having a hard time, and need to talk/vent, I recommend The Warm Place: http://www.thewarmplace.org/

Peace, Joy, Love, and Light to you,
M.

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I would just write a letter from your heart and let them know how much it means to you to have such loving and supportive friends and family. As for the nurse you could write her a nice card as well and maybe include a gift card. Your family and friends do not expect anything of value. They helped you and your mom out of love.

Hi M.,
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I lost my mother in law last February. My husband was only 31 at the time of her death. I know it was and still is h*** o* him, even though he may not talk about it. She too had been sick for a long time, but hid it very well. She had convinced us that she was getting better, even the doctors believed it, but she knew. Anyway, enough about us, sorry. For those that were very close to her, like your sister, brother, and other family members that went above and beyond, you could always make them a photo album of your mother, or even a picture disc of what you have. The old pictures of when you were a baby and a little older can be scanned at Walgreens or CVS. We ended up buying an all in one printer, copier, scanner, because our bill would have added up to the cost of it. We had a disc made with pictures, and songs to go along with it. You could even do this for the hospice workers depending on how close they were to your mom. As for your co worker, you could get her a friendship plaque or something nice to go in her office or cubicle. You could get her an ivy plant if she likes those. I would keep it simple, but just let her know that it meant a lot to you. You could also do if cards if you can afford it. Just a couple of ideas. Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.

The etiquette thing was handled pretty well in the first response. The rest of it? I was 35 when my father died and at that time I had been living 1000 miles away from my parents for 15 years, so my dad had not been consistently involved in my life for many years. It took me a long time to get over him. I thought about him a great deal, spent many late nights sitting at the computer crying. In some ways it was just as h*** o* you as your sister because you had your own responsibilities and could not be there; not doing is difficult too when if it weren't for work and children you would be there caring for the person.

Do some googling on grief, and do some reading on helping children through it as well. My daughter was 7 when my father died and for a long time she was upset about it but didn't want to say anything to me because she thought it would make me cry.

First let me say I am sorry for your loss and I know how you feel as I lost my mother suddenly and without warning three years ago. I was very close to her and now my Dad lives with me and my husband . I wrote a lot of thank you notes and you cannot write too many. Make them personal and do it as soon as you can.
You might also consider donating to a charity in the name of some of the people who helped you a lot, like those at work.
I did the eulogy at her celebration of going home to the Saviour and I am glad I could do it to honor my mother as she was one of the best in the world. It was titled "The Aroma Left Behind"
V. B.

I am sorry for your loss.
You could give your sister and brother a rose bush or plant to plant in their yard in memory of your mother.
God Bless

I would write letters to the ones that sent flowers and maybe provided meals for your family.The lady at work get her a gift cert to a restaurant?
The nurse... I would find something special. a figurine that is meaning full. To show her how much she is appreciated.
Your sister. She deserves a vacation. Not many 23 yr old would give up their lives to do what she did. I would want to make sure that she is getting some professional help to deal with the grief.
It is ok to cry and grief for what you lost. It would not be weakness or you failing at anything. Keep your chin up. Live day to day. Cry when you need to and laugh when you can. Thats how most moms would want us all to live.
Celebrate her life. Surround your self with the ones you love and friends.
Good luck

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother passed away about 5 years and she was in Hospice Care at home for almost 8 months, 5 months longer than they thought. They were wonderful to her. My dad's housekeeper came 5 days a week, sometimes 6 and took care of her while he worked (he is self-employed. She was a God send. She sat with us at the funeral as part of the family.I live 30 miles away from them (and the only child that was thankfully available to help out) and would try to go over once a week to sit with her. My brother would help out when he could, but he worked full time. Fortunately I am a SAHM and had the time. My children were still in school and it was still very stressful for me. But, I felt like I needed to help. For 5 years, I did this. I never knew when my dad was going to call and say "We are on our way to the hospital again" or "The doctor wants to admit her and keep for awhile." It was a roller coaster. I kept my cell phone beside my bed every night for years anticipating a call to go help him. I think that a neat photo of you and your sister with your mother when she was well in a nice frame would be a great way of showing your thanks to her. As for your co-workers, maybe you could take them out to lunch one day or on the weekend and just tell them how much you appreciate their support. You never know when you will have to help one of them in a time of need. "Pay it forward" sort of thing.
Right now, you are still grieving and you need to give yourself some time. Don't feel bad about taking the medicine, especially if it helps, because your family needs you to be happy, too. But don't feel guilty about feeling stressed. Give yourself time to heal. You obviously loved your mother very much. Prayer is very effective also. If your church has a support group that helps with grieving, I suggest you try that. Just being able to share your feelings with others is very healthy.
As for thank you cards, I would send them to the people who sent flowers, food and helped out in other significant ways. It took me awhile to sit down and write them for my mother because each time I did, it upset me. Give yourself some time because everyone knows what you are going through.

I'm not good with words, so I hope I don't say the wrong thing. A mother is such a special person as you know being one yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking anxiety medicine. You and your sibblings need to take care of yourselves so you can be there for each other and your kids. I lost my sister in 2004. Not only did I loose my sister I lost my bestfriend, mentor, my everything. She was 36 and I 34 at the time. My mom and I both are on an an anxiety/anti-depres. to this day. I probably would not be here if it wasn't for my husband, two boys and something to help me get through this. Most important I had God on my side. My sister was like the rock in my family. When I read that I just feel for you. I wish I had her back to take care of her because she had the wait of the world on her shoulders. Take care of yourself.
For those that were there for you during this you may want to get them a plaque letting them know how you feel and how special that was to help you. (kirklands,mardels,halmark). Or just get a special card. I made a bookmark with a poem my sister wrote and a photo of her to those close. It was hard looking at her picture while making it and took a long time but everyone really appreciated it. For the girl at work a plague, flowers, a special card with a gift card are a few suggestions.

I hope this helped. Take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
S.

Dear M., Just because you are older doesn't mean you have to be the rock or think you shouldn't need anything to help you deal with the loss of your Mother. First, thanking your sister was great and of course she didn't feel like she should be then--she is in on an emotional spiral but later she will appreciate the fact that you appreciated and acknowledged what she was able to do and did for your Mother. The loss is great for each of you and no matter how long you know it is coming it is still hard when it happens. I have lost both my parents sadly my Mom was fast and we had no time but my Dad was with hospice and the time that gave us allowed a much easier passage cause we were able to tell our goodbyes. You came to visit as often as your life allowed and you did the best you could--don't beat yourself up or think all this should be easier. Part of your problem I am sure is that you couldn't be with your Mom 24/7 like your sister and you will need to work through that--just remember your Mom knew that if it had been possible you would of been there and be glad that your family to'gether made her journey to the end much easier and with much love. Now as for thank yous the funeral home usually provides a nice card that you can add a personal message to and you send one to each person who brought food, came to the funeral, and even your co-workers for picking up the slack. For anything more for the co-workers you could bring a cake in for everyone to share as an extra thank you--but remember if it had been one of them I am sure you would have picked up the slack for them. Sometimes a gracious receiver is all the appreciation they need--it was there way of helping you during a difficult time. Time and prayer will get you through. A.