Death....

Keep it simple. My husband's parental grandmother and matertanl grandfather in one week. We just them that they were old and their heart was old and tired and that they went to heaven. my husband's grandmother had cancer and my kids saw her get really sick.I lost my own mother when I was five and my dad jsut kept it simple. They will have lots of questions, just answer them the best way you can. Good Luck
Niki

A. i work for a private hospice company and we have books special just for children.. not like the books that you wrote about... and if you want advice, you need to be upfront and say as much as possible without the details.. to small for the big details.. i am so sorry for your loss.. everyones sorrow is different .. but i wouldn't hide the sorrow you feel it is natural and its ok for your daughter to know that yes you cry,yes it is ok to be sad and that is how people can cope and work through the feelings they are having... if you need anything at all anything email me back and i can meet you anywhere to chat or just give you the books that you need...

I think it might be best to tell her about life use examples like the butterflies life cycle. Tell her this is how life works, it's very sad, and it's ok to feel sad. Make her understand you are sad too. Seeing you cry may not be so bad. I hope this helps. Either way best wishes and sorry to hear about your dad.

Hi A.!
We went through this same situation a few years ago with my then 5, 3, and 1 year olds when my mother-in-law died of colon cancer. It's tough, but I found that some of the children's books that were recommended to me by a medical professional in our family were very helpful. Two of the best ones were Lifetimes-The beautiful way to explain death to children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. This is a very simple, yet effective way to explain death to a 3 year old. We still read this book on occasion and my children are 8,6 and 4 now. An adult focused book that helped me the most was called The Grieving Child by Helen Fitzgerald. It explains the stages of grief and identifies some behaviors that children exhibit when greiving that are different than what you would expect. That it is not unexpected for a child to seem uneffected by the news that her grandmother has died. It also reminds you that kids pick up on death even at a very young age, sometimes at a younger age than we even imagine. If left unexplained and their feelings ignored can lead to complications in life. My uncle, now 50, just found out the truth to how his father died 44 years ago! He had always wanted to know, but it was never talked about in their family, something you instinctively knew was taboo and he was afraid to ask. I knew a long time ago and I am 10 years his junior! He is an upstanding member of his community, but imagine living with that question your entire life! My mother on the other hand went through a lot of bad choices trying to find comfort from her grief. I believe it is important that you demonstrate to your daughter that you feel sad and that you miss your mom, but also to teach her that you are continuing to take care of her and honor your other responsibilities. Not an easy task. My husband is not a very demonstrative person and kept his emotions close to the vest so to speak. He also worked out of the home and did not have to field the various, often out of the blue questions from our children. It wasn't easy, but we've made it through and there is little mystery or fear about it now. We still look at pictures of their grandmother and the oldest remembers her, the middle one says he does, but I think it's only through pictures that he remembers her and the little one only knows the stories. She is buried in VT near our summer home and it is a ritual to 'visit her' and tell her all about what has been going on throughout the year. We have picnic snacks at the cemetery throughout the summer and place a wreath on her stone each Thanksgiving and take an annual picture to commemorate the occasion. (my family lives near and we go up for Thanksgiving) I'm sure that sounds odd to some but it is comforting to us. You may have rituals that sound odd to others, but are comforting to you too. I have additional books that were helpful to us. Let me know if you are interested in them. I wish you luck in this process. Remember, even though it's painful, you must feel it in order to heal it. You probably feel that it is never going to get easier, but you will learn to continue on and find those rituals that will make you feel better and honor your mother at the same time. Take care of yourself.

I"m so sorry for your loss.. we lost my mother in law 4 years ago when my daughter was 5. We sat her down, simply explained it to her and she got a little weepy, but we cried in front of her .. I think she needs to see it's ok to cry.. we told her it was ok to feel sad, and that grandma was always in her heart. she can talk to her whenever she wants to. she is gone forever, but she is happy and healthy and is with her mom. not sure how mature your 3 yr old is, maybe she'll understand , maybe not.. but you could plant a tree in his honor and that could be a special place to go to think and talk to grandpa. or a plant or a drawing.. anything.. give her a tangible thing, item, place to connect the two.. let her cry, let her be sad -- You need it too -- good luck...

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when my children were 1-1/2 and 3-1/2 years old. I told my oldest that Nana is in heaven and is an angel. That she was very, very sick. (I tried to word it so he wouldn't think that if you got sick you would die). Even though he can't see her he can talk to her whenever he wants. My daughter was too young and doesn't remember but I keep a picture of each of them with their Nana in their room so they don't forget her. I also try to tell stories when I can. I bring them to the cemetary with me to plant flowers and they like doing that. They also talk to her there. They talk to her in the ground which can break your heart.

Don't be surprised if your daughter talks about death and dying a lot after you talk to her. My son went through it and it is normal for that age. He told my in-laws that they would be in the cemetery soon because they were getting old. He is now 6 and my daughter is now 4. They still love to visit the cemetery and talk to Nana.

I hope this helps you.

First, my condolences. I can't imagine what it is to deal with losing a parent. I think about it often because my parents are getting up there in age. I try to resolve myself that it will eventually happen as if that will help me deal, but I don't know how anyone can prepare for that. Hang in there.

A friend of mine got a book for her daughter that helped explain death. I believe her daughter was about the same age. I tried to get in touch with her to see if I could find the title of it for you, but she didn't answer her phone. She just had another baby so I'm sure her schedule isn't set quite right yet... :)

I did find you this link from Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_ex_n_2/002-###-###-####-##...

If you look on the left edge of this page there is a category listing of the books they have. One of them is "Issues" and they do have something for "Pet Death" but I didn't see anything for family death. But maybe you can check it out and get some ideas.

I'm thinking, too, that due to her age, you more than likely won't need an in-depth answer. Sometimes as parents we think the answers we give our kids have to be all serious with headings and footnotes and bullet points and everything but more often than not they don't need all that. Maybe the books they list on that site can give you some simple ideas to share with her.

A few years ago I lost my 2 year old nephew to brain cancer. He was from VA but came up here to Boston because the Children's Hospital up here is world-renowned for helping children with cancer, so my daughter was in contact with him and took her to the hospital to visit him every so often, too. She was almost four when he passed away. Now she's seven. As time has gone on, she's forgotten him, which is sad to me, but by the same token, I'm not sure what it would do her any good to remember him. God that sounded awful...*sigh*. I say all that to say reiterate that you might not need a huge, indepth approach. Okay, I'm rambling...

I'd think that being as positive as possible (even about this completely negative, sad situation) is the best way because you don't want her to worry about whenever you get sick that you might die, ya know? I'd also think it would be good to see if you can help her to express her feelings. There is a book on feelings that my daughter loved (she's 7 now). Hold on lemme see if I can find that...

One of them is "Alexander and the No Good Very Bad Day"; here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Alexander-Terrible-Horrible-Good-Ve.... I used this book when I talked to my daughter about her brother's temper tantrums. She was little and he (her father's son who lived with us for a short time) was having some...disciplinary issues, shall we say. It was important to me that she understand that his behavior was not acceptable and she shouldn't ever try it. It was a little difficult for her at first to express herself, but we kept at it and she finally got to a point where she could express how she was feeling. So, after allllllllllll that, I'm wondering if books like that can help you help your daughter to express whatever she's thinking or feeling.

I'd keep pictures up, encourage her to draw pictures of her and her grandfather...whatever will help her express herself. But also don't be surprised if she just accepts it and moves on, ya know?

Okay I'm gonna shuddup now. I've rambled on enough! Oh wait one more thing! We as moms, especially us single moms, are so quick to take care of everyone else, especially our kids. If you remember nothing else I typed here, please remember this: YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST IN ORDER TO PROPERLY TAKE CARE OF HER. This is the time to lean on friends and family for support to make sure you mourn and heal properly, too, okay?

*Hugs*...hang in there.

R.

Good morning A.,
first do you believe in heaven and just are not really religious or do you not believe at all?? Even if you are not a believer it would be easier for a child to grasp that just because the person has died does not mean they are gone forever... We lost my grampa when my 2 were just little and we explained theat he went to heaven to be with my gram but that they could talk to him anytime they wanted and that just because they cant see or hear him does not mean he isnt there.. We tell them (cause we believe this) that he can look down and see us and watch over us.. We explained that heaven is a special place that people go when their bodies give out down here... I am not a real big church goer.. I do believe in god and heaven and hell.. God can be very comforting in this time... It is good for her to see you sad over the loss and to be truthfeull and up front with her at her level.. I wouldnt make her feel that when you get old you die or when you get sick you die... But that he was special had alzheimers and it was his time... It is very normal for them to talk about it.. My son (now 4 years later he is 9) still cries one or 2 times a year cause he misses his gramp gramp.. I am very sorry for your loss... Alzheimers is an awful thing to suffer from.. I worked in a nursing home for alzheimers for 4 years.. It is a hard thing to go through and i am sorry for you... I believe he is in a better place, rather than having to stay here and suffer with it any more.. I am sorry if i am rambling.. Good luck to you and your little girl... Time does heal all wounds.. Have a good day..

First, let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. When my MIL passed away, my dd's nursery school teacher sent home a "mourning packet" that she had put together for students who were going through a death. There was a very good children's book in the packet that told of a child who had lost a grandparent. I can't remember the name, but maybe you could check at Borders. Also, we just talked a great deal about MIL and looked at pics, told stories, etc. We answered all her questions as honestly as possible. Hope this helps.

A.