Dealing with a Second Child

If you want a guaranteed case of severe sibling rivalry, send the oldest to daycare when the new baby comes. He will feel like he is being thrown away and replaced by a newer version. The great thing about a mother's love is that it doesn't divide it multiplies. It's hard but you will be fine especially if you number one job is being a SAHM!

My kids are two years apart but when my little one was born we sent the older guy to daycare 5day a week. We transitioned him to the daycare a few months before his brother was born so that he wasn't dealing with too many new things at once. It worked out very well because he had time away from a newborn and loved going to "school". I think a good daycare place at that age is just fun for them and they look forward to it. They sing, play, do art, socialize with a bunch of kids their age and for my little guy he didn't have to hang out while I was caring for a newborn. When he got home each day he was excited to be there too. Hope that is helpful. I think there is no one right answer to this question. It really depends on you.

There is no magic answer, it all just seems to fall in place, I see no reason why you would need to put the oldest in childcare, the first month is usually the hardest, but if you start know making the oldest a little more independent....can play for a short time by himself, things will be smoother. I have 7 kids so 2 kids is possible. Don't over think it, it will make it appear much more difficult then it really is.

Your worrying too much. This can be an awesome bonding experience for all of you. Keep him in the loop, talk to him about what's going on when you get pregnant. Take him to the ultrasound, let him shop for the baby too. My oldest did act up for about 4 weeks after her sister was born. Mostly she got into things while I was breast feeding. But it was so cute to see the way she wanted to help out and her affection for her new sister. Putting him in childcare would only make him feel like he was being replaced. If it is really what you want to do, maybe start it soon 1 or 2 times a week. Try to make it a normal part of his week before baby enters the picture. Find a preschool setting and tell him he's going to big boy school not daycare. That way it sounds like a privledge not a punishment. Yes, two kids is way different than one but after a month or two, it'll seem like you always did it. And the rewards are great! I love to watch my kids play together and I found that once they got a little older, some of the behavior issues we had with our oldest went away because she didn't get bored when Mommy was busy. She had a playmate. My girls are 2 1/2 years apart. We had a little boy last year making 3 1/2 years between him and our middle daughter and 6 years between him and our oldest. I love the age difference we have. The older two are great friends and very protective of each other. The girls are great care givers to their brother and love to show him how to do things. Best wishes!

My two boys are exactly 4 years apart to the daya dn I love it! They are truly good friends, and everyone said they would be too far apart, but they are such little buddies! Adjusting to two schedules was much easier with a four year old too, because by that age their schedule is much looser and they understand that the baby sometimes needs more attention and can be a big help. I found my older son being in preschool a few hours a day actually made things harder with a newborn because I had to get both them dressed and out the door every morning and with a baby's sleep schedule always changing, pick up and drop off times would sometimes interupt that. Whatever you decide, be happy and not stressed about it and that is the same attitude your child will embrace!

Adding a second child is more difficult, of course. We had our second son when our first son was three. As it worked out, my son was in preschool two days a week for half a day that first year. You need to prepare your first son for the baby. Read books to him. Talk to him about being a big brother and a big helper. But you want the two siblings to spend time together. That's the point isn't it? They can learn so much from each other. The second one gets dragged around to the first one's activities. But the first one has to learn to be quiet for the second one's naptimes. You have to explain to the first one that the second one is a baby and can't do the same things as him. He has to learn to be gentle. He has to learn to share toys and parents. Give yourself a break, too. You're not going to be the perfect mommy and they're not going to be the perfect children. For example, breastfeeding was challenging. My oldest ended up watching more tv than normal in order to occupy his time while I was nursing. Also, housekeeping went down the toilet. Plus, you are going to be exhausted. You need to enlist the help of your husband. Two children is more difficult. But it will be heartwarming to see the love between the two.

S.,

I had my second child when my first was 2 years old and my third and last when my second one was 2. It's a little tough at first but I still have my sanity! Having a boy is way different than having a girl. I had 2 girls first now I have a boy and boys are way different than girls. You don't want to wait too long. I don't think you need to put the first one in child care when the second one comes. If you wait until he's four then you can put him in Pre-K. With the first baby we really go over board but with the second we've learned what's worked with the first. It's not as daunting a task as you may think. Just know that with 2 little ones you'll have twice the love and joy than what you have now! Best of luck!

Lorraine, a SAHM of 3 beautiful children, 6,4,and 2.

S.,
It has been quite a while since I had two little ones at home, but I remember the fear of jealousy from the older sibling. This is how I handled it and my daughters have done the same thing when they had two young children. When I was getting obviously pregnant and my emotions were unsettled, I explained to my son that "we" were having a new baby and that "we" were excited to welcome a new member to "our" family. I also explained that Mommy wouldn't always feel well, but that would go away when "our" new baby arrived, and I would need his help. I included him in the preparations and always said "our" baby. Rachel is right that the worse thing you can do is to change the routine or put him in daycare because then he would feel pushed out. If your son will be 3-4 years old, he can be a great help and feel included in nurturing "our" new baby. It is important to remember special bedtime and play moments with your son when the new baby arrives. As long as he feels he is still loved and an important part of the family, he will be fine. I hope this helps. I've never regretted including the older children in the preparations of welcoming an additional member of the family. We were blessed with eight wonderful children!

Hi S.,

You are wise to think about how having another baby will affect your son; and from experience, I can say that he will be affected in a very positive way. I have 4 boys, and they have lots of energy...I don't meet many boys who don't. Boys are awesome-they are enamored with the world-they are so pleased to be outside, soaking up the sun and fun. Here are just a couple of things I've learned...while pregnant tell your son, this is HIS baby...he GETS to have a new brother or sister-wow, what a gift for HIM. He needs to feel the new addition to the family is not just for mom and dad, but for him too, to love. Read books about receiving a new baby into the family-lots of picture books at the library. After baby, involve him in the care of the baby. He can fetch diapers, baby's toys, blanket, take a diaper to the trash-all these things should be presented as he "gets" to do them, because he is such a "responsible, big boy." Will he know what "resposible" means? No, but he'll learn fast, and be proud of himself, for being such a big helper to mom and dad. I'm curious about the child care question...is this because you work or may be working? If not, I wouldn't put him in child care because of having a new baby...the things above, plus adding in some special time with mom when baby sleeps (snuggle with a book, fingerpaint, hunt bugs outside-anything outside) will not only ease the transition, but help him to see that he is an integral part of the family, not someone to take somewhere else so mom can focus on the baby. I would think that if he goes to child care because of baby, this would be quite difficult for him, and virtually impossible to allow for a bond to form between he and the baby. The benefits of having multiple children are many, and when the baby gets older, you will regain some time to yourself, because now they will have each other as playmates. I'm new to this board and not sure if it provides for members to e-mail each other offline, but if so, please feel free to do so. If you have any specific questions, I'm happy to help if I can! Oh, yes, just wanted to say my first three are very close in age, and the gap between my 3rd and 4th is about 3 years...and I've found that was such a great spacing. Hope this helps some!

L.

I think if you put your son in daycare when the baby is born, he will resent you and the baby. If you plan to put him in daycare, do it WELL before the baby comes. If you decide to keep him home, it is a juggling act, but so worth it--you children will bond and become playmates. I stay home with both my kids, and it is a challenge some days, but as they are getting older and playing well together, I am so glad that they have each other, and and enjoy each other's company! My kids are a little over two years apart. I am not sure that there is any "perfect" age for bringing a sibling into the family; I like the age distance between my kids, but I wouldn't have minded if they were closer in age. However, my sister has age gaps of 4 and 5 years between her kids, which works great too, since the older kids are more self sufficient when the baby is born. Good luck with your decision!

I had twins the first time around but my daughter cam when the boys were 2 years 10 days old. It was challenging but my instincts kicked in and everything fell into place. We didnt put the boys into daycare at all. When you have more than one you just do what you have to do to get through the day. I think with you not having another until your son is 3 or 4 will help a lot. He will be able to understand and be more involved with his new brother or sister. Best of luck to you.

Hi S.,
First a little about myself, married 23 years and 3 kids, 21 year old girl married and out of home, 18 year old girl who is graduating high school and a 16 year old boy. As you can see our oldest was 4 when we had our second, and the girls were 6 and 2 when we had our last third child. Now my older sister has 2 kids 3 years apart in age, older brother also has 3 , 16, 14, and 10, younger sister has only one son who is 17.
I think when it all comes down to it, you and you mate need to decide how you will handle having anymore kids. I think your worrying to much. Start out no matter how far apart they are there will be sibling rivalery, or as I like to call them little wrestling or yelling matches. Thats life.
In reguards to sending your son to childcare when the second does come, you may want to re think that. For it may seem to your son that your sending him away and that you don't want him around the new baby. Even if thats not your idea it may seem that way to him. I think letting the older siblings help with the new baby, like pick out the babies clothes, help change a diaper, and other little things help show them responsibility, and also letting him help feed the baby can be fun too. Don't push him to do anything but ask him if he'd like to and if he does encourage it like telling him what a great job he did, or your such an awesome big brother.
Don't get me wrong, it's not easy raising any amount of kids, you and your mate will have days where you want to pull your hair out. But in the end I think you'll both feel like me and my husband do about our kids, and thats we would not have traded our lives with anyone, and that we couldn't have lived without our kids.
Hope this helps.
E.

I wouldn't worry about it to much everything works out I promise. I have read most of the responses and I think I win for the haveing children close together. My oldest will be 3 next week(boy)lots of energy!! My second(girl) will be 2 in just a couple of weeks...yes that makes them 12 months and 2 weeks apart but I also have a third child that is 9 months...next two are 14 months apart! I promise it will be fine and you will find that your son will actaully be a bigger help then you think. Just make sure that he is included in everything! They will be the best of friends if you just let things play out. I know you can do it! Kids are the most exciting things and haveing siblings makes it even better!!! Mine don't know what to do without each other. Keep up the great work of being your sons mom!!!

Hi S.,

My first son, Isaiah is also very active and just turned 4. We had his baby brother in November so Isaiah was about 31/2 when Drew was born. The 3 1/2 years apart seems to be really good. We've had few jealousy issues, and actually more of the older one being interested in helping with diapers etc.

From what I've seen two years apart seems to have more conflict because the 2 year old still wants a lot of attention and is less indepedant than the 3 or 4 year old.
I'm sure a lot of other people have other experiences, but mine has been really good with my boys being 3 years apart!

I hope everything goes well with your family!
M.

My kids are only 21-months apart, and I'll be the first to tell you that two kids is a lot more than twice the work. However, it's more than twice the love and twice the fun. It's a lot easier the second time around because you've been there, done that. Your older child will already be on a schedule, so it will be easy to sync the second child's schedule around the older one. I wouldn't put the older child in daycare because that would just send the wrong message that the baby is more important. However, preschool is a great idea. The older child gets to go to school, get out of the house, have his own "life" away from the baby. I don't think there is a good or bad/right or wrong time to have another child. It's completely up to you. There are pros and cons of each type of spacing of children. A 3-4 year old will probably have some issues with jealousy, but will be a lot more independent than a toddler and would be able to help you a lot with getting things for the baby, entertaining the baby, etc. You can find article regarding child spacing on the internet that highlight the pros and cons of different spacing. But watching your two children play together and become friends and love each other is truly priceless.

We had our second baby when my little boy was 3. In some ways is was nice-he was more independent and potty trained-but after the baby came, we had some jealousy issues. Nothing major, but he wanted mommy and so did the baby. He even started acting like a baby and wanting bottles and binkies and was always in the crib. I think no matter when you introduce a new person into the family there will be adjusting. My husband and I try to set aside time for us to be with our older son one on one so he doesn't feel like we are ignoring him. We talked a lot about the baby coming to try to get him ready and even had a gift for him from the baby at the hospital when the baby came. It has been a year now and my older son is such a help. It took 3 or 4 months to adjust and they just love each other now. I think the best thing is to try not to stress too much. You have to try different things and find what works for you. You made it so far with your first and I think adding another child is a challenge, but also a blessing. I think it took me a few months to adjust and get into a routene that worked for me as well. My boys still keep me busy but I love them and can't imagine life without them. I think you will do great when the time comes! good luck!

I can't think of any reason that childcare would be better for a child than being with mommy (excluding situations where the mother is mentally ill). Plus,if a new baby comes and the older child is simultaneously sent to childcare, the child could perceive himself being replaced by the new baby, and no longer wanted.

OF COURSE that would not be your intention. On the bright side, I've never met a mom who felt like she couldn't handle two small children. You'll probably be totally fine.

I have a 6 yr. old and a 3 yr. old, and I was really scared about how life would be when we brought our daughter home. We prepared our son as much as we could at his little age of 2, and made sure he was involved in helping me with his little sister. We have the most adorable pictures of our son leaning over the hospital bassinet to peek at his little sister, and then one of him kissing her head. I always let my son help pick out my daughter's clothes, let him hold her, asked him to go get her diaper and wipes, and just basically had him be my little helper. He loved to be involved in taking care of his little sister. I'm not going to lie to you, there were days our son didn't like our daughter soon after she came home. I think it was that the baby needed so much attention, and I was just figuring out how to give both of my kids everything they needed. It's funny though, as frustrating and hard as it was to adjust to, it never once crossed my mind to put our son in daycare. Anyone who has read my responses knows that I am highly against daycare, but I guess what I am trying to get across in so many words, is that if you send your kid to daycare so you can have more time with his brother/sister, I think that would hurt him more than showing him that you can still give him love and attention while taking care of a baby. I wouldn't leave it up to him to decide if he wants to stay home with you or go to daycare. I think you will just have to be a very strong, flexible mom who can teach your son how great it is to have a little brother/sister at home with him. A lot of reassuring your son that as soon as you finish feeding the baby, you will sit with him and read a book, or put a puzzle together or whatever he wants to do, will help him feel like he is not being dumped aside for the new baby. If it is one of those hard days, pack up the kids and go to the park for a little bit. I think that by the time you do have another baby, your son will be old enough to understand what is going on, and will be more helpful than upset. Now, although our kids sometimes fight over toys, they are the best of friends. Raising 2 little ones at home is scary at first, but it can be done, and it is amazing to watch them play together and become great buddies.

S.-
You cannot possibley expect everything to be perfect but we did have great luck with a few items that we planned out when our second son was coming. Train up to big boy bed starting 4-6 mos before baby arrives. Hurts to give up your most special things to a new sibling who it seems might be replacing you! Also diapers, bottle and binking if not already done, for the same reason. Most noticeable to myself was that after delivery I had half an hour or so for initial bonding and then daddy brought older brother in the room. I was careful to have grandma holding baby and have brother crawl up on the bed with me and then together we accepted HIS new baby from grandma. He has been a very loving and protective brother! They have a few squabbles but really get along great. Also, perhaps keep brother at home at first and then send him off to daycare, only partime, when he starts getting a little bored. That way he will not be upset at being sent away. Just some ideas. Two kids is not all that much different than one, just pack more supplies for rides in the car! Best of Luck!!!!!

I am going thru a similar time. My husband and I are planning to try for a second in August. Who knows when it will happen. We have talked and I plan to quit my job and be a SAHM at that time. I will work part time to help out at nights. Let me just say that a friend on mine just quit because her childcare would have been $1800 for two children. I think if you can keep both at home, then do it. Your new little one will not be too much of a bother at first, but you will adjust as time goes on. I am not a SAHM now so I was hesitant to respond. All I can do is let you know you are not the only one. I know many people that have their kids at home and ages range. SO i will be interested in the responds you get. Good Luck! And have fun trying for a second!

I wouldn't recommend putting your oldest in childcare. He will be feeling a bit pushed aside from the baby and putting him in childcare will make it harder for him. Just make sure you let your son participate with the baby. Have him help you get diapers and wipes and feeding time with the baby is a great time to spend time with your son. You can read stories and talk about the day. Also, never use the baby as an excuse. If you have to leave the park to feed the baby or you can't do what your son wants because you are occupied with the baby, never tell your son that he can't do what he wants because of the baby. Don't lie, just tell him that he has to wait or that it's just time to go home. Whenever you use the baby as an excuse, even though the baby is the real excuse, your son hears, "I can't get what I want because of the baby". It creates resentment. Good luck, I have three kids and I think two was easier than one because they can play together.

I too have a high energy child and when we had our second baby she was just turning 3. I had her go to preschool for a few hours and that helped give me some time with the baby and also allow her to have her time. Try to get her in childcare or preschool before the baby arrives and when the new one comes - cater to the first born needs first if possible! Babies are ok to cry for a minute and the older one remembers if you blow them off. Hope this helps.

I'm in the same boat! I wouldn't do childcare though, that might send the message that your son isn't important enough to stay home with Mommy and baby. He'll be old enough that he'll understand a lot and could really be in a position to help...be "mommy's helper"...that kind of thing. I've come to the conclusion that we just over think. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

No matter what you do, don't separate them during the day by having someone else watch your older one! Your first kid will fill rejected. Instead, set aside special time each day and do things that only "big boys" can do. It is very important to have them feel like they belong and that they can help you. You will be surprised how much he enjoys being the bigger brother!

just relax... a lot have people have more than one young kid at home. You will figure it all out.... don't stress about a kid that you haven't even had yet...

Truthfully, having two children is easier than one as time goes on. They keep themselves entertained. In the beginning if you ship your oldest to daycare you will find that they may feel as if they have been kicked out of the house. When having a new baby the solution is to bring the older child closer and very envolved. The older child will be a huge help if you let them. They get diapers, formula, bottles, clothes and this is just for the baby. They are more than willing to be helpful and greatly enjoy THEIR new baby. I would make this a FAMILY affair and include the older child as much as you can. If your child choses to go somewhere else that is a different story, but you chosing to remove them isn't what I would do. Good Luck!!!

Hi S.,
I have 3 boys, the first two I had are 23 months apart. Ya when the younger one was a baby sometimes it was hard I mean two in diapers, trying to potty train the older one, nope not easy but it kept me busy. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years, and have raised my kids with no daycare. My two now are 10 and 8 its wonderful they play together, help each other with stuff and genuinely love each other. They are never without a playmate.
When the Ethan was born, I would put him down for his naps and then Timmy and I would spend quiet time together before his nap roughly about 20-30 mins and then when they got up he would help me with his brother and it made him feel needed.
Now I have 4 years between my middle son and my youngest and you want to talk about two kids who DON"T get along.. I think the best age difference is two years.

I hope this helps you in your decision. Good Luck

S.

I am currently pregnant with my second and my son is a little over 3 years old. I told him the day I got pregnant, I took him to the ultrasound to make it real for him, I try to talk to him about the new baby every day. At first he seemed irritated, kept telling me he was the baby, he didn't want a baby... but as time has gone on he has gotten used to the idea, and is very excited now!! He talks to the baby in my belly now, tells EVERYONE that it is there (and it is HUGE and so cute ha ha ha!!). Also, taking him to the ultrasound was key for us- he was just amazed... and it was after that he began to be excited about it. So- my advice to you would be this- if you decide to have another one, talk to him about it a lot. As the time gets nearer and nearer, ask him if he WANTS to stay home and help you with the baby, or if he would like some time to go play with the kids his age at whatever daycare. If he wants to stay home with you, and you don't let him, but you have the baby home, all that is going to do is make him feel bad about the whole situation, make him question whether or not you still love him, etc. Personally, I don't think I'd put my son in a daycare... and he is SO excited about helping out. Perhaps after you talk to him and maybe he does want some time for himself after the baby is born, yo could do a preschool thats only a few hours a day, or only a couple days a week... then he gets the best of both worlds!! Anyways- good luck, and whatever you do... they will eventually love eachother and everything will be fine!! :-)

Hi, S.! We added a 2nd child when my daughter was 3 years old. The transition has been both challenging and fun. My daughter was already in day care when the baby was born. I would not recommend making both transitions at the same time. We found she really needed to stay home more often when he was born, because she needed more of Mommy to reassure her she still had her place in the family. So, IF you are going to put your older one into day care, I'd do it earlier, and maybe only part time.

Another option to consider is childcare in your home. When our new baby was 6 months old, and we needed help with both children so we could work some, we brought in an au pair. It has been an amazing and wonderful experience for all of us. My older daughter experienced a lot of stress in a day care environment, but she has blossomed being back at home with a care provider. It also gives us amazing flexibility, since we have our own business and don't always operate on a "day care center" schedule.

If you didn't feel you needed full time help, you could consider a nanny instead of an au pair.

It also gave us the opportunity to have our older child in activities of interest to HER instead of just whatever day care decided she should do. So the au pair takes her to dance and gymnastics lessons once each week. Kelly gets to socialize with the other children and do something fun, but still have the one-on-one (ok one-on-two!) attention most of the time, instead of being in a room of 30 children or whatever it was.

Another choice would be preschool, which is usually just 2 or 3 hours a day, 3 to 5 days a week. Gives you time alone with the new baby, and your older one the social time, but without the long days and stress of day care.

Dear S.,
I know this isn't what you are thinking, but...if you try to have another child as soon as possible your child will have a close lifetime friend and it will be easier for you as they grow up because they will enjoy playing together. What ever you do, my advice for what it is worth is do NOT put your child in childcare when the new baby arrives, or you will be just asking for sibling rivalry. If you feel you need to put him in do it well before the pregnancy or well afterwards. The last thing you want to do is give your little one the idea he has been replaced by the new baby!