Daughter Throwing up Often She Is Upset or Does Not Want to Go Somewhere

Hi B.,
Just thinking outside of the box here ... if it is indeed anxiety, nerves could be a lifelong issue that she may have to deal with. Have you thought about yoga for kids? Might be worth exploring. Meditation/yoga can help you manage stress/anxiety ...

This is a 3or 4 year old we're talking about!! Kids that age do not have the planning capacity to strategically throw up to get their way. Based on this post, she's not doing it just to get her way, she's getting so upset because she does not know how to handle new situations. Please do not take the advice to throw water in her face. That will not help, and will probably make it worse. It's not a power struggle, so tactics that treat it as such will not be effective. There is clearly something more going on here, so please take her in for a psychological evaluation. Until then, keep following the previous advice you received.

You need to change this pattern by giving her a positive, replacement behavior. Is there a stuffed animal, blanket, or other comfort item she can take in the car with her? Does squeezing a stress ball help? Practice taking deep breaths and then saying a positive statement: "I can do this. I will be safe. Mom (or Dad or teacher, or whoever) will be there. I can do new things!" Also, when you first tell her it's time to go to X place, tell here something along these lines: "I know you don't like new places. I'll be there to help you feel comfortable. It does not matter if you whine, cry, or throw up, we are still going. If you throw up, you won't feel good, you'll be yucky, and throwing up is not fun. Here's your (comfort item), let's take some deep breaths together." And then say your positsive phrase together. It's more than just stopping unwanted behavior. You need to teach her a positive replacement behavior to help her deal with her feelings. Best wishes!

You might need to get her seen about anxiety. If you think she's doing it on purpose to get out of something, give her a puke bucket (an old sand pail will do, without any holes in it) and keep going to whatever you were going to do.

My son has twin boys in his preK class who do this, get themselves so upset they vomit.

1- Talk to the pediatrician. If they can't give you GOOD answers, ask them to recommend someone who can.

2- Don't give into it. Don't pity her. Make her clean up her own mess, every single time. Eventually, she's going to get over having to do that (this worked for the twins, and the twins were a VERY severe example of this).

3- Ask her why she gets so upset. She needs to learn to better manage her emotions. Explain that you understand that she doesn't want to go to grandma's/school/clean her room, and sometime's mommy doesn't want to go to work, but you do what you have to do. End of story.

The more she does it, the more it's going to become less habit and more involuntary, meaning, her body is automatically going to learn to vomit whenever her emotions get out of control. I know adults who still vomit when they're overwhelmed or over stress. This needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

It WILL get better but you HAVE to be persistent and not give in to the tantrum.

If your child has emotional problems now, just consider what she'll be like years from now if you throw cold water on her to try to prevent her from throwing up. I would not try that for all the tea in China. If you do what your doctor suggests, and just matter-of-factly quickly clean her up without talking about it and go on about your business taking her where you need to go, regardless of the vomiting, and be with her to help her anxiety, she has a chance to grow out of this. If this is manipulation, throwing up won't work and she'll grow out of that too.

There are too many teens these days who cut themselves, engage in self-destructive behaviors and try to commit suicide. It is important to handle a young child's behavior in a way that doesn't cause so much MORE stress on them that their anxiety escalates into the teen years.

Good luck with your little girl,
Dawn

She sounds like she has issues with anxiety, and she needs to learn coping skills from people who have been there. I would definitely take her to a therapist. There may also be support groups available for anxious kids, or a kids version of "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook."

Basically, I do not agree with the moms who are saying you can punish her out of this reaction. Sure, there may be a tiny element of manipulation going on. If I were scared to death of new things, I'd manipulate my way out of them if I could, wouldn't you? But the underlying fear sounds real. You can take her to a therapist and still not let her throwing up control your lives -- these things aren't mutually exclusive. But there are experts who work on just this kind of thing. She sounds like she could use their help.

Well, she IS doing it to get out of it because she is scared. That's a natural human reaction--to try to get out of something you don't want to do.

Now, the throwing up is probably just her body's way of reacting to the nerves and the upset. That she probably can't control.

Work with the doc on how to calm her. Depending on her personality, there are many ways to so this.

If she continues to throw up, I would calmly get a bucket or bag, let her throw up, and then continue on as if it doesn't phase you. My daughter often gets a pain in her leg when there is something she doesn't want to do. I get an ace bandage, wrap it around the leg and we do it anyway. I know she doesn't need the ace bandage, but she now knows that saying her leg hurts won't get her out of anything!

Good luck!

You detour a child from doing this by helping her find alternative ways to cope with anxiety. I don't know how old your daughter is, her maturity will determine how in-depth you can get.

Don't try to talk her out of being nervous -- no "there's nothing to be afraid of", that may make her feel small or silly for feeling nervous in the first place.

Help her find the words to describe the feeling -- you seem nervous, it looks like you are anxious, about what? what is the fear, that you won't know what to say, that you'll feel out of place, that you won't know anyone? Again, don't try to answer these fears or talk her through them, just name them. Acknowledgement takes a lot of power of the fear.

Lastly, start exploring with her ideas of how to deal with the feeling -- deep breaths? positive imagery? What does she ever do (or say to herself, or hum or sing?) that makes her feel calm? Arm her with coping skills, and she may start to feel it's ok to be afraid and she'll be able to handle the new thing.

This happend to me when I was little. It was nothing I could control. My mom always said I had a nervous stomic. When we would go on trips before I would get sick. If we were going to the eye dr first day of school. I threw up so much when I was younger it's not even funny. My mom would just keep in mind that I would need at least 10 to 15 extra mins to throw up and if I didn't do it before we left she would take a trash bag with us so if I got sick in the car it didn't get all over. I still have a little bit of it but not liek when I was little. Just keep reassuring her and not treat her like this is an excuse. Cause trust me I am sure she would rather not feel like that and throw up.

Good luck and God Bless!

You say you know it's her nerves, which she can not control, but in the same sentence you say you think she is doing it to get out of something she doesn't want to do - as if it's an intentional behavior to avoid a situation. It sounds like she is feeling so much anxiety over these situations she is getting sick.

I would take your doctors advise and see a therapist, for sure! Giving her and yourself some tools to help cope with the anxiety may help greatly.

She may grow out of this, like other posters kids have, or she may be predisposed to high anxiety. My father battled anxiety for a long time and tried to self medicate in many ways as an adult. You are always hearing about adolescents or teenagers coping with anxiety in distructive ways. It's real and not something that is chosen.

I'm all for getting the help you need early. You may talk with the therapist and they tell you it's normal and she will grow out of it. At least you have done everything you can.

She is only 3! A child who is scared. PLEASE give her the benefit of the doubt have compassion, instead of punishment. I think some of the suggestions you have received here - cleaning up their own mess or throwing water in the face - please IGNORE them. Yikes.

I had a friend who's daughter did that. So kids do it. She would work herself up to the point of throwing up but only if she didn't want to do something. I considered it pure manipulation because it wasn't what they were doing or with who it was only when she didn't want to do it.

So like say we wanted to go to Mc Donalds and she didn't she would have this fit even though the next day we would go to McDonalds and she would be fine. Does that make sense?

I don't really know how it turned out, for all I know she still does it. It drove me crazy so I stopped hanging out with them. Oh it drove me crazy because mom acted like it was perfectly normal, just a condition she has, nothing to see here we will just do what she wants. At the time the girls were four.

Thing is I was having to constantly tell my daughter we can't do this or that because of "the condition". I don't mind telling my kids no, or the plans have changed but when it becomes almost every time I can't be friends with that person.

Anyway, yours sounds a little different because it is new situations. I only told this story because I think it started out like that with my friend but as soon as her daughter realized it could control a situation she started doing it every time she didn't want to do something. I am also not saying your daughter will evolve into that either. The kid I am talking about was your stereotypical spoiled only child, ya know?

When my now 15 yr old son was around 2 he did this all time! It was so irritating. I've never known a person that could puke on command but he could! Make him mad.. puke, tell him to clean his mess up..puke. basically if it didn't suit him he would do it. It scared me at first and his wasn't so much about being nervous, he just did it. Once I realized the game I let him puke. After he did and he was cleaned up he still had to do whatever the plan had been. I didn't give in to it. Eventually he got over it and stopped but I too had him checked out and it was nothing health related. It was a test of wills over here and once he figured out he wouldn't win, it stopped. I really don't have advice but you aren't alone!

I can't tell if this is manipulation or nerves.

In either case it can be controlled. If there is whining and crying and then throwing up, then its manipulation. Stop the chain of events leading to the throwing up. How do you interrupt the chain of events and turn the mind away from the "Tramatic event"? Shock and awe. Get in her face so she has to concentrate on you and not the event she doesn't want to participate in. I once threatened to throw some cold water on one of my children when they exhibited some out of control behavior. The water had been in the frig and when they saw they were going to get it put on them, they immediately regained control.

The throwing up is not due to a physical ailment, but due to a psychological ailment. Derail the train of thought and you stop the mental command to throw up. I cannot tell what to use, but coldwater in the frig on a hot day will supply the shock that will cause an immediate change of thought and stop the throwing up.

Good luck to you and yours.

ADDED: Read what Cathy T had to say. I wish I had said it that well.

My dd doesn't throw up, but will break out in tears with new or nerve racking situations. I try to prepare her as best I can by letting her know what to expect and how no matter what, I love her and she'll do fine. Sometimes when she competes in sports, I just tell her that she's just a little girl, nobody expects her to be perfect...