What started everything was that I called my daughter after school from work last Thursday because I got an email from her teacher that she failed the 6 wks because she didn’t apply herself. She could have done one assignment to bring up her grade and pass but she just didn’t want to. I called her and she said “I’ve had a bad day and I just don’t want to talk” I lost it and told her “whats your excuse for the last 6wks”. I told that everyday is always some sort of drama and excuse as to why she isnt doing well in school. She is focused on the wrong things that don’t include her education. She is so focused on her friends, going out, what she is wearing and her little dumb ex boyfriend. She got mad and said she was moving out and I said fine (thinking it was a bluff). She ran away with her so called ex boyfriend thats almost 18 year and I called and left him a message and told him that if he didn’t bring her back he I was going to call the cops on him…she is only 15. She came back in 10 minutes but walking because he and her wanted to pretend they were not together. Am I stupid?...dont think so. She said she hated me and hated her dad and that she didn’t want to live with either one of us and wanted to move in with her girl friend and that her mother said it would be fine. I called that friend and she said she didn’t know anything about it. She and I got into it and I had to restrain her as she pushed and pulled my hair. I couldn’t control her. She had already packed and I talked to my ex husband and he agreed for her to go live there. Well, she has decided to stay there but he has decided to let her finish out the year at her school and the whole point for me was to remove her from her friends and this guy....so in reality she benefitted from this entire situation by getting her dad to do as she wanted. The only thing thats changed is her residence. I've tried to reason with my ex but he thinks I'm being unreasonable but thinks it should be handled differently. He is trying to be a friend and not a father. So much can happen in 4 months and he is just not seeing it. We spoke to the conselor at school but she was very little help and did not want to voice her oppinion. I'm at a loss of what to do....any suggestions would help.
D.--
I am so sorry you are going through this! I foster teenagers (isn't it amazing how our IQ plummets when teens are around?!) The only thing that's saved my sanity as kids have come into my home and run away and stolen (MY car!!), used drugs...you name it!. With L&L--I've yelled exactly TWICE! Love and Logic seminars are taught all over the Austin area. Often for free. If you can't find one, pm me and I will help you. Best of luck.
I know how hard it is to deal with I an unruley daughter. I was one for my mother. God Bless her. I put her threw some terrible stuff. But now I am a woman of God and my mother and I have a great relationship. Don't fight with her it just lights the fire but take control. She needs to know that she is not the Mother that you are . Explain to her why you don't want her to focus on boys, friends and stuff like that. Tell her that though it seems fun now the things she is giving up for them won't turn out to be fun later. Your ex husband and you need to get on board and be on the same page. Letting her know if her grades are not to expectations she can't go out with her friends or talk on the phone/computer and when she does do good give her that privledge. be aware of everything she does call the parents of these friends so you know who they are and what kind of supervision they are controling t there house. The last thing you need is for her to get pregnant or something. If she is getting physical not only does she need to seek anger management but a weekend in DH may not do any harm. They have bootcamps and everything. It sounds mean and she may not like you for it but eventually if you always show love in what you do she will respect you later. I think I could go on and on in this subject. I hope this helped and if you need more thoughts let me know. I could even talk to her if you like. I am trying to become a girls youth associate at my church. Mentoring young ladies. One more thing don't let her think it is okay to leave, she n=may assume you don't care even though you do are actions sometimes speak louder. Don't give up on her give all that you can as a mother. Raising kids in this world today is HARD work but keep going doing your best and seeking God to intervene for you.
God Bless
This is a tuff one. Obviously, there are underlying issues going on and at 15 yrs old, I don't even know if she knows what they are. She justs wants her way and that's it. Living with your ex may not be such a bad thing. Let him deal with her for a while. I know you feel helpless right now but sometimes things are just out of our control. Obviously you want the best for her but sometimes kids have to live and learn and then help themselves. Take one day at a time. She may come around. She can always get her GED, then go to college. As of now, I would get her into a good counselor if possible. What city do you live in? I recommend birth control. If the boyfriend is 18, she probably is sleeping with him or close to it. Take her and give her the shot. This way you know she is covered for 6 mo. I think it is 6 mo. I know you wanted some great advice but unfortunately as long as she is at your ex's home things are out of your control. Just try to keep open communication going on between all of you. Try and spend some positive quality time with her and tell her your concerns about not going to school. Let her tell you what she sees her future to be. Good luck!
PS. Don't give her a dime or any material objects. Tell her she has to earn everything she receives from you by her actions. You could clear all her belongings in her room and tell her she has to earn them back, but that could cause more fuel on the fire.
Sounds like you both need a major time out. It's all getting twisted and it's us against mom with the teenager holding all the power. Best to not even play that game for awhile and let her find out that dad isn't perfect, either.
I feel you need to get her a councler to talk to. She also needs afterschool care. She must have low self image at this point. Even if she says not.
I found that giving kids a pourpose like voulenteer work,works really well. Call your church,I know CBC does alot with teens during the week hook her up with them or someone else.
Good Luck
D.,
It hurts my heart to know I was that "Daughter out of control." I ran away from home, did drugs, had multiple sexual partners, stole from my parents and stores, was bulimic, hated school and attempted suicide twice by the time I was 16. Finally, my parents could not control me any more, so they put me in a psychiatric hospital for troubled teens. It helped a little because I met other people who felt the same way as me. I hated my parents and felt they had given up on me and it was easier to lock me away then deal with our family issues. However, the behaviour continued until I got pregnant at 19. My daughter saved my life. She is now 19 and a Chemical Engineer Major, honor student, National Science Merit award winner etc... I have always been a single mom and could not have raised this amazing child without my parents love and support. I also have a great career and consider my mother my best friend! I appologise to her weekly if not daily!
Not trying to scare you, but I think back to my teens and remember how much pain I was in and how lonely I felt. The more my parents tried to control me, the more reckless I got. Sure, I needed discipline, but I think I needed to hear, "I see the hard time you are going through right now and I want to understand, what can I do to help you?" Also, I can't remember hearing "I love you unconditionally and whatever you do will not change that. You can keep trying to push me away, but I will never leave you, stop believing in you and will always be here for you." Work together to get back on track and know it'a not about being too much of a friend, it's about being human to each other. Teens are troubling for everyone and it is natural to "break away" from your parents to try to find yourself, but, eventually we all like coming back home.
