Daughter Cannot Keep Her Hands to Herself

A.- she's a child. This is kindergarten, the beginning of 13 years of school.
B.- new environment -she has to learn what's acceptable and what isn't in this situation
C.- kids are touchy feely, she's certainly not the first nor the last child who will have this experience
D. - find and take advantage of teachable moments at home, role play and talk about how you feel about what has happened, give her grace - we all stumble, praise her when you can.
E.- changing colors is punishment- what happens at school is punishment enough unless it's really MAJOR and is interfering with her/others safety or learning
F.- talk with the teacher- you may get some insight as to when/why/who and be able to determine if there's really something to be concerned about. a good teacher will know what's what.

And, finally, as parents we all want our children to behave well, but none of us is perfect. She's going to school to learn. She's also going to school to become part of society- and part of that is being social. She's learning how to be social as well as her abc's and 123's. In perspective-each little thing that happens- will it make a difference in 20 years?
Love does cover a multitude of sins- if this is the worst thing you ever experience with her you will be blessed.

It is kindergarten and everyone goes through this so don't worry too much that it is only your child. They are all new at this and testing their boundaries, plus they are having fun and forget there are 'rules' to follow... like don't tickle your friend in the hallway. We would do small punishments, no dessert, no swimming, etc but mostly we rewarded the good behavior. A full week of staying on green and you get to pick a book and movie from the library (my kids love the library) ... something fun for her but not too major. It gets better, hang in there and Good Luck!!

Hi C.,

No punishment - she's getting the consequence for her behavior at school (moving the card, note from teacher etc). If you double whammy her that's not a good message.

It's good that you reinforced the behavior of what you wanted (no moving cards) before school in the morning. I would go one step further......

Give her alternatives of what to do with her hands. Role play. Get in line at the water fountain (ok, sink) and tell you really want to tickle her or play with her hair and you're not sure what to do. Have her come up with SOLUTIONS of what she can do INSTEAD of the behavior you don't want. You can help her.... put hands in pocket, tell the teacher another kid hit her, use words not hands, tap each finger against her thumb to occupy herself etc etc etc

Have a conversation with her about WHY there are rules in kindergarten that are different than the rules at home (ie - she CAN tickle you whenever she wants.... why is that different at school). Make her get to the understanding of WHY she needs to listen to the teacher.

You can also ask her if she would want to be friends with someone who can't keep their hands to themselves... that might also be a good angle, especially if friends are important to her.

Good Luck!

I do not know if I would punish her, instead work with her some more. Maybe tell her you are "disappointed that she cannot remember to keep her hands to herself". That "you know she can do it".

Remind her as you drop her off at school. Make a woven bracelet for each wrist so each time she sees them she will remember to keep her hands to herself..

We always taught our daughter "hands behind your back". She knew this meant to keep her hand to herself. We used this at the store too. We look with our eyes, not with our hands.

Kindergarten is a transition and this is one of the rules she will have to get used to.

I think you should make an appointment to talk with the teacher and find out the whole story. Kids only see things from their perspective and not what really happened. My kids are in Montessori so I'm not sure what traditional schools are up to today in parent/teacher communications, but I would hope your daughter has a teacher you can talk to and figure out the best course to get her to understand why she is getting in trouble.

Not sure about a punishment but she obviously needs a better way to express her emotions. If she's mad, she's hitting. If she's happy, she's tickling.

Is she a verbal child as well?

I would look into the teacher yelling thing though. Some teachers can say nice things but in a quick short tone and some kids can interpret that as yelling. Or some teachers can actually raise their voice, which I would define as yelling. I would find out by meeting w/the teacher and gauge what her temperment is. That might help the next time your child says the teacher "yelled" at her.

You know she is just learning her boundries. I don't think I would punish her. she is going through so many changes as it is. She will learn it is just going to take time. I would however make sure that she tells her teacher if someone pushes her or is mean to her. Good luck!

I don't know that you need to punish her.
It sounds like the school is dealing with it.
I have friends who are teachers and have chaperoned about a million field trips and worked in the classroom many times.
You might faint if you knew how manyt times the words "Keep your hands to yourself" is said in a day. Let alone a week.
The school just needs you to reiterate that rules are different at school than at home.
There is nothing wrong with playing and having fun, but things like tickling is ot what we do at school. Getting upset results in telling a teacher, not touching another kid.
Keep your hands to yourself at school.
It's one of the Golden Rules.
I think your daughter will get the hang of it.
It's a transition many kids go through.
At this point, I think reinforcement and reminding will be more beneficial than punishment.

Just my opinion.

no punishment needed. sounds like she is just figuring out the rules. I know it is hard to get notes home but she is definitely not the only one. Kids are impulsive and not use to the "seriousness" or structure a school provides. she will adjust. Really who can resist an extra tickle .
sounds like she is a good kid and the teacher just wants you to know what is going on, so when the kids comes home telling you something, that you don't get mad at the teacher for not telling you first.

Punishment might not be the answer. Sure, meet with the teacher for more details on the matter from her perspective. But I think it more important to talk with your daughter to find out why she has a need to grab and touch other kids. If she seems to not understand the unspoken need for people to have personal space, perhaps there is an issue that goes beyond her not be able to keep her hands to herself.

Children struggling with impulse control are sometimes kids struggling with undiagnosed issues like Asperger's, ADHD, or spectrum disorders. Sometimes, these kids have trouble with grabbiness and clinginess, because 1) they can not read social cues of their peers, and 2) they have a need to be tactile because that is how they learn and understand their world because they very likely have a sensory deficit 3.) or they might not have the ability to stop and think about their actions before they act...and then find themselves in a situation.

While she is still quite young, and this behavior is still common for her age group, if in a short time, this turns into a situation where your daughter is constantly getting into squirmishes with other kids because her playfulness isn't welcomed or understood, or she begins to have trouble making friends, you may want to look into getting an evaluation.

Just a thought.

Find a great Montessori kindergarten quickly! You and your daughter will be so much happier when she learns to regulate her behavior with real life consequences instead of arbitrary and meaningless discipline like card moving.

Please understand that moving a card is not a BIG offense that needs to be punished. It is a warning that, because the kids are so young, is visual and kinesthetic as well as auditory. Your daughter felt punished because she takes the warning system seriously (Great sign!) If your husband left his hammer on the kitchen table (first time) would you get very angry and change your mind about cooking his favorite meal as planned, or ask him to please move it.
It sounds like she is a typical kindergarten child and YOU were hoping for a Perfect kindergarten child.

The one thing that really works with my son is rewards for good behavior rather than punishing the bad. When he was younger - if he went 1 week with no cards being moved, no notes home, etc. He could pick out a place to eat out for dinner (we NEVER go out, so this was a major treat for him).

Now, he has to make it three weeks. We are in the 2nd week of school and he has gotten into trouble twice this week for talking. So, it might be a long road for us. But, he is inspired to try better.

Honestly, the things your daughter is doing seem perfectly normal to me (and you are reacting appropriately by talking to her). But, I wouldn't punish her anymore.

Good luck!
L.