Dating a Military Man

My husband is in the Army and has been for 20 years I myself am also a veteran. Yes, loving a military man is hard. Sometimes they shut you out, but I can this usually when they say something they mean it. I can't speak for everyone , but I know my husband will not say something if he doesn't mean it. He takes things very seriously. Also, when we were dating when he would have to leave to got TDY (temp duty) he would avoid me or pick fights and after awhile he final came out and told me it was easier to be mad at me when he was gone because he missed me so much. We worked through it and talked. If he has been deployed he may have a lot on his mind and it can be hard for them to talk about what is bothering him. Just let him know you are there for him when he needs it. It takes a strong woman to love a man in the military. Good luck you can do it

Hi, Nicole:

This sounds so familiar in today's world. If what you are getting from him is not enough, you need to make a decision. Can you accept the limited amount of time from him or do you need to look elsewhere for the attention you crave.

You may want to look at a support group for healthy and loving relationships such as Co-Dependents Anonymous at

www.coda.org

All the Best. Good luck. D.

Put your daughter first.
It's not a military man thing it's a man thing.
My husband is a 10 yr military man and he never acted like this , and never would.
It's how this one was raised.

I have been married to a military man for 12 years. He has been in for 17 years. First and foremost, though, he is a family man. He loves our 3 children to the point of insanity:) He even loves changing diapers. IDK why, maybe because he is one of 10 children and has 7 little brothers and sisters. But he is every mother and child's dream for a great father. So if there is any doubt of the type of father he'd be, let him go. And don't introduce your daughter to him. Your instincts are right on here. I am not sure he will have the right amount of affection for a child that is not his.

My dh is not always the most affectionate person with me. Don't get me wrong, he still "wants" me but he doesn't just walk up and hug me like he did when we were dating or like my father used to do with my mom. Also, when he returned home from Iraq, we were both a little different. We have a great relationship and are very committed to each other but we changed. And that is a very real risk you will have to face.

Men are men and they will put things before you if you let them and a lot of times even if you don't. This guy already seems to have things ahead of you so I would just let this relationship end. Try to imagine your daughter in a relationship like this. I wouldn't want my daughter to feel like you are feeling. Don't do it to yourself. There is someone better out there for you.

You seem like such a great mom for putting your daughter first. Stick with that and you will always do the right thing:) good luck and God bless.

No you are not being stupid. Listen to your instincts / feelings. And definitly put your daughter first. If you have doubts about him meeting her do NOT introduce them until you are 100% sure he will be sticking around. I made that mistake once and will not do it again. I sometimes think I won't introduce any new "boyfriends" to my daughter until we are engaged. It's not worth the heartache.

Sorry I don't have any advice directly related to "military men". I just think a man is a man. You still need to be happy in the relationship and feel safe and secure regardless of his profession.

This is NOT a "military man". This IS being a MAN. I'm married to a Marine. Have a Marine as a son. My brother is a retired Marine. I can't tell you how many military I know now and have know over the years... hundreds to say the least! Military men are no different than businessmen, firemen, policemen, construction men, etc. Men are men.

Sounds like he's not fullfilling your needs. If he cannot meet your needs, and you've talked to him, then don't continue on any further. He may work well for another woman but if he's not meeting your needs in a relationship, why go any further? It'll only make for a poor marriage and heartache for everyone involved. Life is too short so I'd move on. "Love" is never THE reason to be in a relationship.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius

I literally said, "phew!" out loud. My brother has been in the navy for 14 years. He is on his 3rd marriage. The military has an extremely high divorce rate.
That said, I do know some great military couples...
I think you're very smart to think about these things before you get too serious. And I commend you so much for being careful not to let your daughters feelings get involved until there is a big commitment from your boyfriend.
It sounds like you have your eyes wide open about the status about your relationship. I urge you not to romanticize anything, if it's a problem now, it will likely always be a part of your relationship. So if you feel him run hot and cold now, he probably is wired this way, or doesn't deal with stress properly or a million other possibilities.
There are some great military resources for couples from support groups to counseling. I would take advantage of those when you are engaged - because engaged is not married, although it is a big commitment, it is still an opportunity to say, this isn't working.

Lastly, I can't tell, but you guys might need to work on your communication. Do you feel comfortable saying to him what you wrote to us? Do you fear his reaction? Why? Does he listen? Is he willing to be wrong, accept responsibility and grow? Does he hear you when you say that you miss him and would like to spend more time together when he has it? Does he think you don't understand his need to decompress after he is away for a while. (this is huge for my brother).

I hope this helps some. Best wishes! I hope your relationship has what it takes and can be a great success. Continue to be wise and not sugar-coat anything.
-H.
married for nearly 5 years, 3 kids and a child of many divorces.

You need to listen to your instincts! Too often we women don't because we want to be loved and want to see the good in people. This man does not know how to love you the way you deserve to be loved. His words are confusing you because he says what you want to hear but his actions tell you otherwise. You deserve so much more than this. I am an older woman that has experience with this, please listen to what I'm saying and more importantly, consider what you and your daughter REALLY deserve. I'm so impressed that you have resisted introducing him to your daughter thus far. You are doing the right thing. The beginning of any good relationship is the most charming, loving and optimistic time. If this is how you are feeling now, it will only get worse. Be strong and do what's best for your heart and your daughter!! God bless.

I'm over 40, I've been married twice and have had many relationships. I also have a child from each marriage. I'll be perfectly honest and please don't be offended......

Kick him to the curb! If a man truly loves you he WILL move heaven and earth to see you before he leaves for 2 weeks for more than a crummy few hours. It seems to me he has something else going on during the week, perhaps another lady friend?

I'm so proud of you that you never introduced your child to him! He isn't worthy as far as I can tell.

Always remember that actions speak MUCH louder than words.

I wish you lots of luck as you move on to bigger and better things!

Just because a man wears a uniform to work doesn't mean he is the same as all the other men in that uniform. My husband is a military man, and is as unique as any other human being. This guy is pulling your chain, and stringing you along. Why, I don't know. But you are in charge of yourself and your choices, if you don't want to be treated this way, tell him. End the relationship and choose to only be with a man who treats you well. Your daughter deserves it, and so do you, show her how people SHOULD treat each other by only allowing others to treat you well.

I 2nd what Lori B said.

= )

As many of the other women have said, this is NOT a military man thing. I have to say, after my first reading of your post, I thought you should leave him, and I agreed with everyone who said pay attention to your instincts. However, I have read your post several times now, and some of what you say contradicts itself. You say he's 30 minutes from you but you see him very little, but later you say he usually spends all weekend with you when you don't have your daughter. You say it doesn't feel like he's in love with you, but then you say he claims you're the best thing that's happened to him and that it feels right being with you and usually it does feel right. Which is it? I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to clarify what you're saying.

I think it is wise to not allow your daughter to meet him until you have sorted this all out. That's best for all parties involved.

As for not wanting to spend much time with you before he leaves for TDY, I can tell you from experience (I'm married to an Air Force guy) that they usually have a lot to take care of before they go. A lot of times they also have a desire to chill out before they go because they will be working a lot while they're gone. Has he told you he will call you, e-mail you, or text you while he's gone? If you don't hear from him at all the entire 2 weeks he's gone, then I might be concerned. Otherwise, I know you're upset and hurt, but he probably isn't seeing it that way, and would probably be clueless if he found out you're hurt. Many times I've been hurt by my husband's lack of action, and he was totally surprised when I told him how I felt, even if I had told him before that "XYZ" bothered me so he would know for future reference.

You didn't mention how long you two have been dating, but I'm assuming it's only been a few months at most since you've kept your daughter from him. My hubby and I started dating at 31 (he's only 17 days older than me), and 4 months after we had started dating, a female friend of his told him she could tell I was in love with him, even though I had not told him this since I felt like I liked him more than he liked me, for many of the same reasons you expressed in your post. He asked me if it was true, and I told him yes. He didn't tell me he loved me, and I almost broke up with him over it. I'm glad I didn't. 3 months later, he told me he loved me, and I knew he meant it. It just took him a lot longer to come around because of immaturity, having been hurt in the past, having to consider another person's feelings/schedule when making decisions about how to spend his time (ie.not just doing what he wants whenever he wants) and not ever having been in a long-term relationship. He was worth the wait. We dated for a year and 8 months before he proposed, which felt like an eternity since I knew he was the guy for me, but he needed that time to grow and mature, and we're still growing together in marriage today, 9 years after we met on Match.com. I tell you this to encourage you. I knew my hubby was a guy who shared my morals and values, who was an overall good guy, and we were compatible. I had to deal with living 30 minutes away but not seeing him nearly as much as I wanted, having him spend lots of time doing computer gaming online with friends instead of spending some of that time with me, not showing up a few times for events he promised to attend because he overslept, and a few other issues. Bottom line is, I felt uncertain for a long time if I should break up with him because I wanted more than he was giving me, but over time, he learned what being in a committed relationship meant. Just because your guy isn't doing everything you want him to doesn't mean that he's not the right one for you. I have no way of knowing that. If you feel that you are compatible and that you share the same morals and values, I would say give it some time, continue to tell him how you feel and what you need without being accusatory or smothering, and see if it develops into a fulfilling relationship. If you've been with him for more than a year and nothing has changed, I would question whether or not he is the right guy for you.

Good luck, and if you need a listening ear, please feel free to send me a private message. Best wishes and hugs to you! ~C.

From a women who has dated military men and is now married to one. Men don't always feel the same way about leaving you for two weeks as you do. This is especially true if he has always been a "single man" when he deploys. If it was just that I would say ignore it, but it seems that there is more to the situation. Do not let him affect your mother hood so to speak, I am a strong believe as a single mother you need to be 100% sure that he is right for YOUR family. I see allot that single mothers are looking to fill a void, I think that you need to make sure that he is going to be an addition to your lives and not emotional filler.
Lastly if you are posting on this web site for advice, something is probably a miss with the relationship.

Follow your instincts, and see what this seems to be from just reading it. A time filler.

I don't mean to be rude, but it seems that he's a single guy that likes being in a relationship for the mere fact that he can say that he's dating someone. Then when he doesn't want to eat alone, or the guys are all busy, he calls you up.

You are already handling things on your own, so why willingly move forward in a relationship where you would still be alone? I think you are right to be hesitant. How you go forward is up to you. YOU can either treat it the same as just 'seeing each other', for the mere ability to say that you are seeing someone. However, sometimes, when you are seeing someone, that is when other guys become interested. Either way, make the decision that works for you.

Sounds a little like my husband. We dated for three years and actually just got married last March. He also just recently retired from the Air Nat’l Guard with 21 years in.

I have to tell you that he is a little obsessive-compulsive. He just has his way of doing things. In fact, that came up many times in arguments at the beginning of our relationship. He would say, “I’m old and set in my ways,” and it was hard to get him to compromise on anything. For example, we couldn’t do anything on Thursdays because Thursday was laundry night. He HAD to do laundry on Thursdays. We could have had free, front-and-center tickets to his favorite show, but if it was on Thursday, he couldn’t go. Under no circumstances could laundry wait until Friday. We used to work in the same building. One night we had a fight. The next day after work, I tried to talk to him in the parking lot. He said he couldn’t talk right then because he had to go to the store and get some potatoes. I told him I thought our relationship was more important than that, but he was adamant that he had to go get the potatoes RIGHT THEN, and he left.

I don’t know how we stayed together. Things like that were maddening, and it seemed like I always came last. I just don’t think he realized that he came across like that. We had many arguments about it, and eventually it began to sink in that sometimes he needed to break his schedule and make more time for me. I also think that as our relationship grew and I became more important to him, then I became more of a priority. Now our married life is not quite as structured as his single life was, but we probably are more structured than most people. The difference is that I’m now part of the structure instead of an addendum to it.

Incidentally, he’s not an Aries, is he? My husband is. They are famous for not really realizing that they’re being self-serving.

You didn’t say how long you have been dating. I assume that it’s not been super long since you haven’t let him meet your daughter yet. I would say, give it some time. Keep telling him how you feel when he treats you like that. Either he will begin to understand or he won’t, but I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. I know I’m glad I didn’t give up on my husband.

Is this just a military man thing? NO IT IS NOT. My dad and many of my family have served and are serving. Some on active service where they are gone for half a year or longer based on their placement at the time. They call every chance they get, write letters, email's, and send gifts.
I go with many of the ladies about go with your heart and head here. It sounds like there is more going on than you may know here. You can still be friends and hang out but until there are some changes I would not seek out a fulfilling relationship with some one that was not there for me. I hope things work out for you.

Hmm. Sounds like you are having LOTS of doubts. Listen to yourself and your instinct. He does not sound like you are his priority. Long term outlook from what you've said here ..... doesn't sound very long to me. Don't waste your time or your daugther's. Your number 1 priority is to be her mommy and to protect not only the physical her, but the emotional her too. Other men (better men) will come along who will give you and you daughter their ALL.

I'm sorry to say - but it does not sound like you are his priority. I even wonder if he might have another relationship or even be married.

Find someone else - or at least date others while dating him. Will he notice? Sounds like he wouldn't.

I am married to a military man and so is my sister in law and that has nothing to do with being a military man. it sounds like you are trying to find an excuse for that behavior and there isn't one. I think you should leave him. If he is not wanting to spend time with you during the dating period, it will only be worse when you are married. sorry, i knowo you don't want to hear that and it's hard to do, but you will be better off in the long run. To me words are just words and don't mean anything unless they are backed up by actions.