D Not Invited Because She Stood up to Mean Girl

ADHD is not an excuse to misbehave. It means the mother hasn't made the effort to get her to behave. My daughter is ADHD-C.

And it may be that there was only a certain number of kids she could invite and it was a choice of one child or two . and she chose the one instead of two.

Protect her self esteem? Sounds like she has good self-esteem. You want her to stand up for herself. So tell her that others will not always approve of her and what she does but she should continue to do what she feels is right.

You also want her to learn how to get along with the "mean" girls when they are not being mean to her or someone else. It's good the girl wants to come to your house. I suggest that she recognizes that she's accepted even tho she's mean at times. I suggest that she's not always the mean girl. I also suggest that she may not be so much mean as much as not knowing how to act in certain situations. Also that having ADD means she doesn't always understand others, their reactions, and her own more so than a girl without ADD.

Encourage your daughter to continue the friendship while having boundaries. This is a good way to be with all friends.

And accept that it's everyone's prerogative to invite or not invite someone to their party. You don't know why your daughter and the other girl were not invited. Don't assume that they are being rejected. Obviously they are included at other times. It's not convenient for whatever reason to invite them this time. You don't really know why.

I don't exactly understand why you think you can label this girl "mean" and consider that a valid reason for your daughter to "stand" up to her. It would seem this M. views your daughter and her friend as a bully, perhaps you should look into that instead of figuring out how to protect her self esteem.

Children with ADD are the most bullied group of children out there, I applaud this other mother for taking a stand against your daughter and her friend.

I would tell her a couple of things.

First, some people aren't as good at standing up for themselves as other people.

Secondly, when it comes to parties, people are allowed to invite whomever they choose for whatever reason they choose and they don't have to have a reason that we like. They don't even have to tell us the reason for it.

It wasn't wrong to invite the girl you're calling "the mean girl" although it wasn't nice that your daughter wasn't invited. Excluding your daughter for sake of keeping the peace was a judgment call the M. of the party girl had to make, and questioning her judgment or the type of person she is just isn't fair. There could be a dynamic between the other girls' parents that you're unaware of, or a dynamic between the other girls that you're unaware of. It looks unfair to your daughter or as if she's being punished for standing up to someone who was behaving like a bully but I doubt it was quite that simple. It rarely is when parents get involved.

Your daughter sounds like she has a great head on her shoulders so I wouldn't encourage her to over-think this too much.

I, for one, find people who go around pointing out every single unfairness they encounter annoying to be around. And tiresome. There is unfairness in life. That's the way it is.

I don't know the ins and outs of your daughter's friendships, but it sounds like her friends find her "standing up" for every righteous cause annoying and tiresome as well. If my daughter were 11 (ohhh. yeah... my daughter is 11), I would let her choose whom she wants to invite to her sleepover party (within reason of course). If she chose not to include someone, so be it. Why do you want to blame the M. of the sleepover girl for your daughter not being invited?

Wait - I think this has become too much about 'mean girl' and self esteem, and standing up for oneself. Those are all important lessons in life, but another one is that when a person hosts a party, a good host invites people who have things in common and will get along. This means that not everyone gets invited to every party. I think your message to your daughter should be that not everyone gets invited every time, and that doesn't mean that it's a personal slight. Sometimes people want to have a smaller party, and they are entitled to do that without jeopardizing all their other friendships.

You're already doing the right thing for her. My DD is 12 and has dealt with this for several years. The bullying gets very intense in middle school and now my dd has the ability to not only deal with it when it is aimed at her, but protect other people.

Slowly her refusal to be intimidated or drawn in to the catty stuff has earned her a "cool" air. She still does not have lots of friends, but she is self assured. Try the book queen bees and wanna bees.

This is a good lesson for both you, and your daughter.
Parties happen, some girls get invited, some don't, even when it's a friend.
When it comes to girls, so called "friends" change constantly, and "mean" girls are sometimes just that, MEAN, and sometimes they are not.
I NEVER bought into any of this stuff with my girls, and I certainly never got involved in playground politics.
When a girl (or her family) seemed like someone we didn't really want to hang out with, we lost them and moved on to someone else.
I live in a small, tight town, and also belong to a swim club, so I know what you mean about the school and pool but really there are PLENTY of other girls and families to reach out to so focus on THEM and not so much the nasty one/s.
Teach your daughter to ignore the haters and focus on people who really want to spend time with her, that's the best thing you can do for her self esteem!

I would reassure my DD that she did nothing wrong. It is hard to stand up to people sometimes and not be pushed around by them. Some people are peacemakers to a fault (my aunt is one) and are just looking to placate vs solve. You said yourself that the M. is the one with the problem of not being able to deal with all the girls together.

I would also not worry every detail of her friendships. Middle school girls are weird. They have very mercurial friendships. As long as your DD isn't home crying every night, try to stay out of it. Who was invited to what wasn't always cut and dry.

If you see the mean girl around, you don't have to be anything but civil. My SD stopped going to the pool after a fall out with her best friend because the friend's family also have a membership and the friend MIGHT be there. I told SD that she was entitled to her feelings, but she was letting her fear of running into the other girl ruin her summer. Did she really want to give her that much power?

If you think your DD is also being mean, deal with your own child. We had to pull SD aside and tell her when her behaviors were not appropriate/we would not tolerate them.

If the mean girl wants to come over often and your DD doesn't want her there and she doesn't get the hint, maybe she needs to be told directly, "DD is not interested in hanging out with you after school. Please stop coming by."

I don't really understand the problem. The hosting M./daughter chose to invite a girl both you and your daughter don't like. That should make it clear that they would rather have her there than your daughter. You need to teach your daughter how to take a hint (maybe you need to learn how to take a hint too) and learn how to choose friends that actually want to spend time with her.
I think you need to face the fact that not everyone is going to like or want to be friends with your daughter, and she needs to learn that too. It's not helping her self esteem at all by focusing on the behavior of other people's children and parents, and painting your daughter as a victim. Teach her what to look for in a friend and encourage her to reach out to other girls.

Just tell her the party host needn't be thought of as a close friend. Don't hold on to resentment, she can't be invited to every party for every friend she makes in her childhood anyway. Maybe this girl used to be a closer friend, but childhood friendships are a growing and changing thing. Now I would say she is just a 'casual friend' in her group. That's all. Not a friend you would call first to share something exciting or lean on for support or invite out to share a special time. Just a casual friend. Maybe another year, they will grow closer again or maybe they won't. But if she lowers her expectations for the girl hosting the party, she won't be as vulnerable to being hurt by that girl excluding her.

As far as dealing with the mean girl around in your community, I would talk to your DD about the art of being "cordial" but of course, not being a doormat or bystander to bullying either. It sounds like your DD is a really nice girl, the kind of friend I hope my girls would be so lucky as to have. You should be proud of her. And not let her notice your worrying about her self-esteem. If you give it too much attention, it will perpetuate the drama.

I do have to say as the parent of an ADD kid who has a trusting heart, but can struggle socially, please don't use that label to write off a child. ADD can be a behavior challenge for any parent. Try to notice the good in people, even difficult people, and you'd be surprised how big an impact that will make.

There are more dynamics behind the scenes working that you will ever really know, so try let it go, as it isn't something you can control.

whatever the case, I'd strongly suggest that you let your daughter fight her own battles when it comes to standing up for herself against other girls. I mean, when parents get involved and speak out publicly and the drama really starts going, that might turn off other parents and be the real reason your daughter did not get invited. And I don't mean you shouldn't stand up for your child either. There are plenty of instances when you HAVE to do that. But I think you know what I'm saying. I'm sorry she didn't get invited to the party.

When my son was 5... He was one of 3 ringleaders in a club. His 2 besties being the other leaders.

One day F wouldn't let a kid join in their club, so my son quit.

He did the right thing.

And played by himself.

"M., Id rather play by myself, than hurt someone. I don't LIKE the kid F didn't want in our club, either. Bit its not about him. Its about ME."

Out of the mouths of babes: Sonetimes NOT being a 'part of' is the victory.

_____

Just for the record:

- F & J missed my son so much after a week they let the other kid join the club.

&

- My son is ADHD, as well.

There is nothing to explain. Some people, even adults, are intimidated by bullying.

Some people think the bullies are the "cool people" so they are afraid of leaving them out and being the next person to be bullied..

Personally, I would be glad my child was not invited.. She does not need this drama in her life.

Middle school is a time when lots of friendships change. The mature kids go in one direction and the followers go in the other direction afraid to leave what has been their groups..

It will happen again in high school.. The kids tend to find even more choices for friends that have their interests.

The geeks, The drama kids, the studious kids, the band kids, the athletes..
And then there are kids that just float around the different groups because they get along with all of the different kids.

You are there to guide her and support her, but not to get involved at this point. She needs to find her place and her groups.

The best lesson for this situation is that sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy!....but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do!

Make sure your daughter knows that she should let it go, hold her head up high and be proud of herself. Especially if she was sticking up for someone else! there will be plenty of other slumber parties!

Mean girls (and boys) suck!...but there will ALWAYS be mean people!

~I would be proud of one of my kids if they did this. I also wouldn't be too upset if they had to miss a sleep over on NYE...I think holidays such as these are better spent with family and loved ones instead of friends anyway, so play up that angle if you need to?!

She sounds like a rebel, so, naturally, you can tell her:

"here's to the crazy ones. the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers. the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. they're not fond of the rules and have no respect for the status quo. you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. about the only thing you can't do is ignore them. because they change things, they push the human race forward. and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Happy New Year!

Good, why would you want your GOOD girl going to a sleep over with a bunch of little B's in training. Why not have a sleep over of her own with the girl she stood up for and a few other NICE girls?

Whats the big deal, that your daughter didn't get invited? This should tell you exactly what kind of peopleyou are dealing with and quite frankly, I would not want my daughter associated with them. If the girl your daughter is close with preferred the mean girl, then she isn't really a friend and I wouldn't want my daughter hanging out with her. If the mother follows suit with inviting the mean girl, I wouldn't want my daughter in that household for fear that if anything went wrong there wouldn't be a fair adult involved. Let your daughter figure it out for herself as well and guide where you can. Good Luck.

I think you can point to history for some 'I'm not going along with the group' role models. Sojourner Truth, Ghandi, Nelson Mandela and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. are people we celebrate now, however, their fights were long and hard, seemingly impossible in their time. These might be interesting figures to reflect on. Their lives were made memorable because they were willing to be brave when others were resigned to living in fear and oppression.

In explanation to your daughter:(and I have changed this part of my answer from previously, as I don't think it was as helpful) :
"Well, I guess it is pretty stinky that you were left out, but that's not for me to guess why. Maybe this is one of those things you'll remember if you have kids, and you can remember how you felt about it and figure out the right thing to do ...what you would have liked to have happened." This doesn't throw the other M. under the bus, but gives your daughter a chance to know that she can make better decisions if she's ever in that same situation.

Oh, and Winston Churchill has a nice quote you can stick on the fridge: "Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others."

ETA: and as Jessica said, I wouldn't invite her to give this overly-much thought. I'd only offer explanations if directly asked. Let her draw her own conclusions otherwise, or if she asks, you might ask her back "well, why/what do you think?"

Your daughter is learning that the world is not a nice one. The only niceness in it comes from people doing the right things. Her standing up to Mean Girl is one of those things. When you do the right thing, sometimes you have to suffer a little fallout. Happily, this fallout isn't much to speak of; it sounds like her "date" will be more fun than the party.

She may want to make herself aware of other kids who suffer more severe fallout for doing right, so that she can encourage them.

I don't know if your daughter should be made more aware of this, but you need to remember that it was the mother, not Mean Girl, who didn't extend the invitation. Sounds to me as if MG really wants friends, but doesn't know how to make them or keep them, and is not being taught at home how to do it.

You daughter will find this sort of thing happening as she grows up and encounters more and more peer pressure. She may eventually look back on this experience as a good learning one. There's a saying (but I don't remember who said it) that if you figure out where "the crowd" is going and then take the opposite road, you're probably taking the right road. It's hard for children to learn this, but it's true.

The mean girl was invited over your daughter probably because the host M. didn't want the mean girl to be mean to her own daughter. Even if your daughter is the nicer, better behaved one, the M. doesn't want to cause future trouble for her daughter by leaving the mean girl out. Is that right or fair? No, but unfortunately, that's life.

Your daughter sounds like a great kid - even being the bigger person and wishing her friends a good time. You've done well raising her.

I would say that if her "friend" chose mean girl girl your you DD, maybe she isn't such a good friend after all.
Tell your DD you are proud of her and that doing the right thing is more important than some stupid slumber party.
Good luck.

Your daughter and mine could be friends -- she's in the same boat. She started getting excluded last summer after being bullied by the girl she had called her best friend for years. No good answers, but I'm curious to read the responses you've gotten here.

This is what you do to protect her self esteem. Have a slumber party for her at YOUR house next month and invite the girls except for the problem girl and the girl whose mother dissed your daughter. Then that mother will find out how it feels for her daughter to go through what your daughter is going through. It's the only way.

Regarding the problem girl, when she asks why she isn't invited or when she comes over and wants to play, YOU should sit her down and talk to her. You need to tell her specifically what she has done (no generalities) to upset you and your daughter. You need to tell her that she cannot act mean to people and then expect all of them to want to play with her. If no one is talking to her about her behavior, she will not figure out how to manage it.

Your daughter needs to continue to stand up for herself. I would not have blamed YOU on this thing with the mother, if it were me, Kay. I would have been honest with your daughter that the other girl's M. is not thinking about this right, and give her real reasons that she can understand. Sometimes we pay a price for standing up for what is right, and that happened to your daughter. It's all on that M. for punishing your daughter and the other girl who stood up to bad behavior - not on you, and not on your daughter.

I'd revisit that issue with her.

Yes, she has to continue to be around that girl, but I do think that continuing as you are both doing will make a difference in the long run. Working with the school on the problem behavior will help too. Most likely the girl has an IEP and they can easily work in a behavioral modification program as well.

Tell your daughter that in a month, she can have her own slumber party, and make it LOTS of fun. That will go a long way towards helping with this, on multiple levels.

Dawn

Wholy smokes you got some nasty answers.....

Bottom line is we all don't know the WHOLE story here. Such as why you consider this other girl a "mean" girl. If she is as labeled, then I wouldn't want my daughter going there either. You should just tell your daughter that this other girl obviously likes this girl, and it's been made obvious that your daughter and her do not get along. So the "mean" girl was asked over. Tell her not to take it personally. Things like this happen throughout life, especially w/ adolescent and teenage girls.

Don't make such a big deal about it, and chances are your daughter won't either.

I would certainly ask this M. why she invited the mean girl instead of a nice girl who would not cause any problems and would make sure she was conforming to the rules, basically my thoughts are the party would go smoother. So why in the world would she invite this other gir instead of your daughter?

In my opinion, it's too many mothers getting involved who cause the problems. The friend should invite who she wants to invite, and if the hosting M. finds things too "stressful" then she probably should not be hosting a slumber party.

All you should need to tell your daughter is that hey, sometimes people want to hang around with different groups of friends and don't worry about it. There will be other parties that she'll be invited to, and some that she won't.
Don't make it into a THING. Feelings get hurt, it's part of growing up - she's not going to die from it.

And whoever said just hold your own super fun slumber party and not invite that friend -- WTH? What kind of value does THAT teach? OH YEAH, it teaches that entitled, self-centered behavior. UGH. Too much of that already in the world today.

The "Mean" girl may not be as mean as you think. And if she is, maybe it's because of the ADD and her parents are struggling with it. It can be overwhelming.

My advice is always BUTT OUT and let the kids handle it.