Coping with the Guilt and Grief

Joelen, you and your family are in our prayers. My grandfather (who I was very close with) had Alzheimer's Disease and it was completely devistating to me and my family.

The only thing that I can think of that might help with the time and attention issues is to involve your kids with your mom's care. This might be difficult at first, but I think that when they see how you treat your mom with such care and respect, they will understand that is how you should treat people. That is what we did with my cousin (at first only by guilting her into it), and it made a huge difference to her and she was more able to deal with his death. She was able to give my grandmother some much needed help with his care.

I wish you the best and hope you can find a good adult home for her. While my grandfather was still mobile, we had him in an adult home, but it took 3 months for us to find a good one. I think it was a good thing to him too.

The only other thing that I can think that may help is when your mom's disease progresses continue to talk to her as you do now (and your kids too).

Something else to remember is that your mom will have good and bad days, as I am sure you already know. Just remembering that, and saying out loud was a small help on those bad days.

And remember to breathe...

J., my sincerest thoughts and prayers. I'm a nurse and dearly love working with elderly. I worked for a year in a nursing home and had a locked ward for Alzheimer's patients. I've seen families fall apart because of what the disease does to their loved ones. One gentleman that I cared for went so far as to call another patient his wife and follow her around all the time. His own wife would visit and he would barely acknowledge her. It was very sad. I know I don't have to tell you this, you're going through it personally, but I want you to understand that these moments are going to test you for a very long time. You need to be patient and care for your mother no matter what. Let your children visit with you and talk to them about the disease. My husband can't stand that I tell my children the truth about their grandparent's health issues, but they deserve to know and ask questions on how they can cope. Let them see what it is doing to you, too. So many times we work so hard to protect our children from life that we forget to teach them survival skills. They need to see that your care and concern for your mother can be recipricated by them for you. Please know that you are not neglecting them. Letting them see that we are supposed to take care of our family is the most important lesson you can possibly teach them. My very best to you and if you need a shoulder, I'm here. Also, keep in mind there are support groups that can help you as well. I didn't think much of them until my family was struck with cancer. It truly helps to connect with other's that know what you are feeling. Check with your local hospital or church, they should have more information.

I agree that you can let your children help. Can they pick up household duties so you can spend more time with them? They can also visit with you. Have you hooked into your local caregiver support program? Check and see if they have some help for you kids too. At the minimum a nurse that could answer questions and tell them how they could help grandma too.
Prayers are with you.

The only suggestion I have is to maybe take your daughter with you when you go to help with your mother, even just to spend that time talking in the car, and maybe grab McDonald's ice cream on the way (it's actually lowfat frozen yogurt and about 150 calories, so it's ok). That way she sees what you are dealing with, and spends time with you in the process. Also, if possible, maybe calendaring time with her and making it a priority. Sometimes when I'm running around like crazy and my 5 year old is driving me crazy, I'll get out the Mancala game and play a couple of times with him. It relieves stress and gives him some attention, and is a fun/addicting game to play, and is pretty quick. Then we both calm down a bit and I can get back to it. Just a thought!

My grandmother, the wisest and most amazing woman I could ever imagine knowing no matter how long I live, passed away last year after a battle with leukemia. I had three children - a four year old and one year old twins, and I also felt so torn. I'll share with you what she told me: It is the job of the mother to care for her children. It will be the job of those children to care for their children. It is not your job or your father's job to care for me - especially when you have your own families to care for. I am not your job. Your children are your job. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be your grandma. Come when you can to visit your grandma and I'll be happy to see you.

I'll confess that I still felt torn. I guess I thought that my grandmother would only be with us for a little while and I could go back to being my kids' mom when she passed. But I took my grandmother's advice and tried to picture myself in a similar position down the road. Would I want or expect my children to neglect their children for me? I hope my answer would be no . . . but this entire experience definitely gave me proof positive about what an amazing and selfless woman my grandmother was.

I don't know if this was at all helpful. I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are totally normal.

your 11 yr old is in a very sensitive and crucial moment in her life that you won't get back. she is going into her teens and if she feels you've abandoned her now it may be much more difficult to get her trust when she is making the difficult decisions of a teen I am sure that your mom would understand if you were spending time with your daughter doing the things that she needs to later become a productive adult.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I admit that it is my worst fear to have a family member diagnosed with such a horrible disease. I also understand the difficult feelings that you are having and feeling torn. maybe you should have a get together with your siblings about doing they're part and find out what their reasoning is for not finding the time and remind them that you cannot do it all unfortunately it seems that in every family there always seems to be one sibling doing most of the work and getting the least credit.
I wish you the best