Concerned Mother About Father and Son Relationship

You need to call the school and see if they have a Title 1 Reading Program in place. You can get more info here:

http://www.isbe.state.il.us/sos/htmls/title1.htm

Title 1 is a federally funded reading program. All three of my girls were in Title 1 for various amounts of time (School District 202 - Lisle). The program is wonderful and helped my girls with both reading and comprehension. They all read above grade level.

Good luck!

My father used to do the same thing when helping me with homework! I still have nightmares about the yelling and not being able to answer correctly! I would cry and he would scream and yell. I would ask him to stop yelling and he would yell back, "I AM NOT SCREAMING!"

I suggest you let your husband know that he needs to either slow down and be patient with your son, or you think you need to find a tutor. Even if it is a college student, many children do not learn as well with their parents as they do a stranger.

There are techniques that teachers have learned. That is why they are teachers and we are not..

I am sure your son could catch up to his level of reading with a tutor this summer. Learning is supposed to be fun, not a nightmare..

I would end the sessions with dad immediately. Your son is anxious and intimidated and your husband is not exactly helping. This could turn ugly quick, so I would stop it now. You sound unsure of yourself helping him, so maybe the best solution is to hire a skilled tutor and take all the frustration and emotion out of the picture. I don't think anyone has bad intentions here, but it sounds as though it is not working well for anyone in the family, so taking a step back and letting a third party help may be the answer.

Your Husband is harming him.... emotionally and mentally and developmentally.
My Mom, taught me like that... and all it did, was make me almost hate her. I loved her as my Mom in a perfunctory way... but I HATED the way she made me feel- stupid and slow. And I really really just HATED even doing anything with her after awhile. Because all I seemed to do, was 'frustrate' her.
It took me years..... to overcome that and to feel sympathy for my Mom....
Luckily now as an adult... I see her as human and she has changed a ton... and is really a Mom I love and am proud of.

Next, in my own family and in our home... we are bi-lingual. My kids are fluent. My kids actually know and are familiar with more than 2 languages. THEY are not in the least bit behind in reading or comprehension or any learning for their age bracket. They are on par.
My son is only 3... but he can read some simple 3 letter words in both languages.

I REALLY think and would STRONGLY advise.... that your son needs to be assessed in his reading.... and maybe he even has dyslexia or something. Or needs glasses or has developmental learning issues.
I am surprised... that NONE of his Teachers have suggested how to help him.... or held him back in Kinder or 1st grade.
You REALLY need to get him assessed, professionally and HELP him.
It is strongly recommended, that doing this before 4th grade will be best... because once in 4th grade, the lessons and homework gets MUCH more complex and harder... and if he does not even know the basics now and is not comfortable or instinctual about it... he will sink even more... and then it will really impact his whole being... and self-confidence etc. I really recommend getting him proper help, right now.... and not later than the 3rd grade.

Again, your Husband is being almost abusive.... and very mean toward your son. I shudder to think.... how that will 'damage' your son and his feelings toward his Dad.

If anything... maybe get him a Tutor.... NOT your Husband.
And talk to the Teacher's about how to help him. IF they are good caring Teachers that is. Not all are.

Your Husband's frustrations are NOT okay nor valid. HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TEACH A CHILD. THAT is the bottom-line.

all the best,
Susan

Sounds like your husband is frustrated and is unaware of your sons needs right now, so he is acting out. If a professional tutor is not in your finances then find a high school or college kid to come and help out with homework. Homework is tough enough for young kids and if they have trouble reading, it makes homework an almost impossible task. Sounds like he really needs to concentrate on reading this summer. Once his reading skills improve, the rest of his studies will fall in place. The most important part of reading is comprehension. If he doesn't understand what he is reading he will be lost in most aspects of school. If you can seek the help of a professional tutor do so right away, but at the very least find a student to come over and help. I'm not sure about the two languages spoken at home, but for now, since he is struggling, stick to English and read, read, read. Make sure when you are reading or he is reading to you that he can explain to you what was just read. My best advice is to not wait any longer and get him help now. He is still young enough to catch up, but don't wait, he will not get better on his own, he needs some help.

Being bilingual doesn't make you a poor reader. Most of the people who are from Europe are bilingual or trilingual. People from Montreal speak both English and French. I had many friends growing up who spoke more than one language at home. Heck, my husband is bilingual and never had trouble reading... Me thinks he teacher is trying to find a scapegoat.
Reading is the basis for all learning. I think you might need to find a reading program for him this summer. Do you read together at bed time? Take him to story time at the library. Get some reading video games - some people will squawk at this suggestion, but boys love video games.
Contact the school and find out if there is a summer school he can attend. Do it now while he is little - if you wait too long he'll never learn to read at grade level.
LBC

Sorry, but your husband is not only handling this in TOTALLY the wrong way, but he is making it harder, not easier for your son to learn. First off, shaking your son or physically handling him in any way because he is 'frustrated' is abusive and not a good thing at all. Does your husband normally have such a bad temper? He needs to be patient and be the adult here.

Just what you describe- your son gets panicked, etc. tells me that he is being made to feel WORSE and more scared about something he is already not good at. Your husband seems to be thinking your son is doing this to be lazy or just to defy him, but at age 8 that probably is not true.

I have worked with many 'reluctant readers' for years and you need to get your son some assistance right away. At his age, he will ONLY become a proficient reader if he learns to ENJOY it. Your husband is teaching him to dread homework and hate reading. This is going to absolutely backfire, trust me.

1)Have your talked to your son's teachers or a librarian? Get him into a summer reading program at the library and let him choose books himself that HE likes and are at his reading level, even if it is lower than grade level- he needs to walk before he can run! Normally being bi-lingual does not put kids behind in reading. Get him evaluated at school and see if he has some other issue that is making this difficult for him.

2) Have a serious talk with your husband when your son is not present. Explain that although he means well, his attitude is making your son more afraid of failing because he doesn't want to let his parents down- but he may, for MANY reasons, not just the language issue, be having trouble reading and he can't improve that just because your husband is standing over him!

Compare the situation to your husband's work- if he was working on a difficult project he was already worried about, would he do it BETTER or WORSE if his boss was standing over him, watching and criticizing or worse yet, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him?? No one would work better under those circumstances!

Keep telling your husband you realize he means well- but that this approach is just not the recommended one.

3)Since you live in Chicago, I am going to tell you to come to our children's bookstore for some help!! I work at the Magic Tree Bookstore in Oak Park. It is on the corner of Lake St. and Oak Park Ave. If you can come and see us, PLEASE do!!! We have worked with hundreds of kids in your son's situation and can help you find some books to get him started.

Come in and ask for Rosie, who specializes in English and foreign language books. One thing that may help your son is for him to get a few books in BOTH languages- then you can see if the language issue is really the main problem. It may help his understanding if he can read a book in your second language- then try the same book in English. Rosie is also a children's librarian and will do a great job helping your son find some things that he will enjoy.

If you can't come to the store- go to your local library!! The children's librarian there will also be able to help you out. It may be that the language issue is not the only thing going on with your son, but the key to getting him to start reading better is getting him to LIKE it. Honestly, it does not matter if he is reading comic books or baseball or soccer books or mysteries or picture books! Don't worry if he picks things that seem like 'kiddie' books to you- he just needs to ENJOY them and get some confidence.

4) Last but not least- one of the BEST things you can do to get your son to enjoy reading is to READ OUT LOUD to him every night. He is not too old for that- in fact he is just the right age. I cannot stress how important and easy this is= before bed, every night, read a couple chapters to him.

Ask him to choose a book with you- maybe one he has been curious about, but knows he can't read himself? Or one that other kids his age are reading and he feels left out because he can't read it? Either way, let his interests guide you, along with some help from a librarian. Then just read to him- it will give you some quiet time and trust me, this WILL help improve his reading!!

You seriously need to make your husband see that his attitude is going to make your son afraid and resentful of reading and school work for years to come if this continues. It will only get harder in school- good luck! I know your son can get over this, but you all have to work together and at his age, you MUST make it fun for him!!

You need to stand up for your son. Your husband way of teaching will put him further behind and into a shell. Pressuring to answer questions quickly makes kids nervous and unable to answer at all. If he is going to help him he has to do it by not yelling and getting mad. The homework in 2nd grade level and if he isn't reading at that level, he isn't understanding what is being asked in the homework. How is he expected to read it and answer it quickly? Your husband is getting mad because he isn't answering quick enough or right? You said he can't read at that level. Maybe it isn't your kid that is behind or slow, it is your husband!!! Reading just hasn't clicked for your son yet. School can't teach kids to read without help from home. You can read to him and have him read to you, you can read every other page to get through a book. Many parent used starfall.com. You working with your son everyday, can get him closer to grade level, so your husband doesn't feel like he has to. Good Luck!

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable & he needs to put a stop to this. It will only make your son's performance worse & give him low self esteem. Your son has a learning disability & it's not his fault. A learning disability is nothing to be ashamed of & it does not mean that your son is not smart. I suffer from Dyslexia & so does my daughter. People with Dyslexia are of average to above average in intelligence. Do some research on Dyslexia & see if your son has some of the characteristics. My daugter was reading at the kindergarten level this year when she started 2nd grade. We enrolled her at Sylvan Learning Center at the end of November. After 5 months she was reading at the 3rd grade level. She will continue to go to Sylvan over the summer to make sure she does not back slide during the long summer break. They deal with all kinds of learning disabilities there, so it's a good program in my opinion. I would also request from the school to have an IEP evaluation done for your son. Good luck & DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND HELP YOUR SON ANYMORE!!!!!

I honestly do not feel as if your husband is helping your son he might be hindering him, making him fear learning and all together having bad experience learning. Sometimes we as parents get frustrated when our children are not performing at or above level. Your husband needs to understand that everyone learners differently. I’m more of a visual learner; I would completely shut down if someone yelled at me also. I think that having a positive learning environment will be the best for your son.
I suggest making reading fun, get books that he is interested in even comic books. Maybe you and your son could set aside a specific time and read together, some children need to hear great readers to become great readers. I suggest allowing him to read for thirty minutes a day. These 30 minutes could be with you, by himself, or even out loud to you. (My daughter is 9 and I have her read to me, her dolls and we read together) You could get involved in a book club at your local library where children read books and discuss them in a group setting, or you can make “Mommy and Me book club” where you guys pick books out and read them and discuss what you read. Lastly there are tons of exciting reading websites that will make reading fun for your son. Starfalls.com is great! And they have different levels of reading.
Lastly, have you thought about tutors? I’m not sure if that is in your price range, but possible a cousin, friend, neighbor or someone who’s older that could help with his assignments that are difficult, Sometimes children learn better from other children. Maybe you can ask the teacher for tutoring programs or websites that will help your son improve academically.
I do hope the best!

How about we really put this in perspective, my son died in a accident when he was 8yrs old. Be greatful he is here tell your husband he is only making his precious son upset, a parent is there to protect and make your child feel better about themselves. He is only eight he will be okay with a little help and positive reinforcement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that what your husband is doing is abusive and harmful. It might be causing your son to shut down academically. Really, shaking a child is no way to teach him. It's not about focusing, it's about having the confidence to learn and use the learned skills properly. yelling, shaking, etc. are abusive and only make it harder for your child. He needs to be stopped, immediately. Frankly, I think there are few legitimate grounds for divorce or dissolution of a family. I feel strongly about that. But this is a case, where a child is being hurt, that I think for the child's sake, separating dad and son are a good idea.

Now I would like to address the poster who said that her child can read simple words in two languages at age three. I think it is incredibly presumptious for her to assume that your child has a learning disability or to even compare her child to yours. My daughter could swim across a pool before she turned three. It does not mean that any other child should be able to. It is possible that the poster speaks two phonetically similar languages at home, such as Spanish and English, which would make everything a lot easier than say, English and Farsi, which have competely different phonetic mechanics and would take much longer for a child to learn both. I belive that any child can, but two languages can indeed change the rate at which mastry is reached in both.

Did you know that in Waldorf education, which is developmentally appropriate education, children are not taught to read until the third grade? this is because the mechanics of reading and all the different skills that go into it are mastered at about the age of 8. An 8 year old can learn to read very quickly, whereas a preschooler or early elementary student takes years to master that skill. It is entirely possible that your child has not only two languages to master (which I think is a great asset to your son, even if it does take longer than monolingual children!) but that he is also not developmentally ready to master all the skills. That is fine. Every child is perfectly made, but each has a separate path in life.

I would hire a tutor. You seem to lack confidence, and no wonder with your husband's belittling, and your husband is downright abusive. You might even think of looking for alternative education in your area. My child is bright bright bright, but she reads slower than other kids her age. I'm FINE with that. She's 7 and she is progressing. Taking the stress out of your son's life would free him to grow and explore his education.

You are in a tough situation and I wish you all the best.

No, your husband being frustrated and aggressive will only make your son's learning and motivation to learn and do his homework even worse. If he really cares about his child, he will leave him alone and be supportive, loving and patient.

He needs to leave the room when your child is working. If you do not feel qualified, then maybe look into after school tutoring. Some local community colleges have student tutors who earn a little bit of money tutoring, or help at your local public library.

Your child most likely has a learning disability or dyslexia. Some moms gave great advice regarding those, so get him tested to see if that is an issue, and talk to your school about the Title 1 reading program.

Dear L.,

Hi. Does your area have a reading buddy program? If so I would recommend looking into it. It will give your son some specific time to work on his reading skills and with an outside person who may take the stress off the whole situation.

I used to tutor kids and I have to say that the best thing you can do for a kid when they get stressed out by their parent helping with school work is get a tutor. It is nice because the person is a neutral party whose only goal is to help your child with their school work. I understand that it may be hard during these economically hard times to afford such a thing. That is why I asked if your area has a reading buddy program. Does the local library have anything that may help? You could always ask the school counselor or teachers if they know of any older kids (high school students) who do tutoring (this is usually a good and inexpensive way to go). If not are there any teachers who tutor on the side.

School is hard enough for a kid who struggles to keep up with grade level, having the added stress of a parent yelling during a time when you are just trying to understand is actually going to make him regress and hide homework.

Good Luck.

check to see if your school is set up to help students who are a little behind. Most schools now-a-days (at least in the burbs) have special reading rooms for those students who need a little extra help. Maybe have a meeting with the counselor (with your husband) and ask what is the best way.

If you speak both languages, I wouldn't think that has anything to do with it, but my son's school feels that it's easier for kids to learn one lanuage and then learn English as a second langage (I don't believe it tho).

Either way, stand up for your son. He shouldn't be bullied.

Since you have had lots of comments about your husband's behavior, I won't comment on that because to me, his way of "teaching" him is not appropriate. I agree with the others that a professional tutor would be helpful. If your husband is the kind of person that won't take advice from you, try talking about the idea of a professional tutor to your child's teacher first and see if she could be the one who can suggest that to him.

But I wanted to comment about having 2 languages in the home. I am assuming you're talking about being bilingual, not the styles you and your husband has. If it is about being bilingual, it is NOT true that if affects a child's learning. My husband's family was giving the same advice when his brother started having problems with stuttering and learning. Now, they learned that the lack of exposure to different sounds, expressions and tones as a child actually did more harm then good.

First, since your son is behind in reading, I would get him evaluated. It may be that he neesd to learn HOW to read. This is not just the words but how to comprehend what he is reading. That is what is putting him at a lower reading grade. One thing I did with my kids was have them read a few pages or a chapter of a book and then we talked about it. Since school is almost over, this is something you could do over the summer.
Second, Your husband sounds like mine. He gets easily frustrated with anything with the kids. One thing I would ask...is he a perfectionist? Mine is. He criticizes the kids for the way they do things, the way they put things. I am just happy they are cleaning and he tells them how they did it wrong.
Due to some possible depression and very low self esteem, I have had my son in counseling. Things we have discussed doing are more one on one time with my husband. Daddy is the main male role model for boys and that is how it should be. My husband has never really spent one on one time with any of the kids, except our youngest since she is home with him during the day. His comment was that he and my son have nothing in common. I told him to find something, make something. My son will be entereing middle school next year and this summer is going to be critical to his success at school. I woudl suggest sitting down with your husband and talking about things and the best way to handle everything. Kids don;t always see things the way we do, especially when we have been doing things a lot longer than they have. you need to make realistic expectations for yor son's understanding of material. Set a time frame for homework, including maybe 5 minute breaks if necessary. No one gets anywhere when anger steps in.
BTW, I tend to teach my kids with too much info too and sometimes have to step back.

I would definitely get your son evaluated to make sure he doesn't have a reading disability. Just as some other people pointed out, many kids are bilingual and I don't think that this is the reason for reading difficulties.

My niece had a reading disability that basically made her unable to decode words. Since she is a smart child, they only realized that something wasn't right in second grade; before everybody thought she was just a little bit slower in learning how to read. She had some professional help from a women specialized in reading disabilities and was able to catch up within about a year. She is still not a very strong reader but at least she has caught up enough that she doesn't fall behind on other subjects.

I think it is important that you deal with this now otherwise your son will fall behind on other subjects too because it takes him too long to read math questions or science information, or he may even be unable to decode the information he reads. I would try to get him into a reading program this summer and also go to the library and have him pick out some books that he would be interested in reading. Have him practice on a daily basis.

I wouldn't let your husband help your son anymore. The last thing you want is that your son hates school and doing work at home because he is scared of how his father reacts.

Good luck!

I've only read a few responses, but agree with those who are saying your husband is bullying your son into doing his homework. If you allow your husband to continue to treat your son this way over homework, your son will hate school and give up entirely - his father is making him feel like a failure and he will give up. I hope you can get through to your husband on this.

Is there a 3rd party that can help? Are there tutors at school or your library? Try talking to his teacher (if the school year is not over yet for you). There is help for you, please reach out to the school.

This is such a crutial time for your son. He will either get help in a nurturing way that will increase his self-esteem and make him want to improve or he will continue being made to feel like a failure and will certainly live up to that expectation. I truly wish you and you son all the best.

The next time your husband acts like he doesn't understand something (and lets face it, husbands do that alot) - yell and carry on and slam your hand on the table and shake him by the shoulders and see how he responds.
Your husband obviously does not understand the learning process and he is not listening to what the teacher is saying - when you have a bi-lingual child, sometimes it takes them longer to get to grade level on reading etc. Not because they aren't bright, but because of the language. Have the school help you find an outside tutor and let the tutor help with homework. Then you can enjoy your time with your son. The best thing you can do for your son now is read with him. Read everything - street signs, the labels on food at the grocery store. Everything. In the summer, chicago public library always has a reading program - go sign up - it's fun and the kids get prizes and tshirts and all sorts of fun stuff.

My husband Step-father spoke a lot of Spanish, I spoke English. What difference does it make? Your husband's behavior is very inappropriate with your child. I do not think your child has a problem with conflicting languages. Quite possibly he has a concentration problem, heck even I do at times and people who make me nervous make it difficult for me to learn. Yes I would be concerned about your husband. I do not know how to say this, but an eight year old doesn't have as much homework as a twelve year old so this will only escalate unless you find other ways for him to do his homework and your husband needs a little anger management as well. For privacy you can simply ask a teacher if there are guided study classes or tutors or other ways to have him helped. Is there a way to work on it when hubby is not home? Just both of you. Not everyone reads quickly. I am being careful here not to judge your husband too much, only you know if this was an off day or not-but who I think has a bit of a problem, but you will do what you will with him. In the meantime, see if your son can have additional help at school.

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice here. I can still remember crying over homework, particularly math, in my early years. My dad had high expectations and I didn't go as fast as he thought I should. Now, I did catch up, but I had to go at my own pace. So, I would say that your husband needs to back off on the kid. I know kids can be so frustrating but what he is doing is not really helping the situation.

I would definitely speak with the teacher and school. I can't imagine they aren't concerned. Has he been involved in any special help programs? Title 1 services or small group help from a reading specialist maybe? My son does not have a learning disability but was falling behind in reading and he started seeing the reading specialist part way through 1st grade and it really helped. He ended the year a bit above grade level and a while later we found some easy chapter books that he loved and his reading skills just soared and he is a very good reader now. He doesn't prefer reading to a lot of other activities but he can read now. (And he still enjoys being read to.) Some kids need more ongoing help than what gave my son the boost he needed. But the important thing is that the parents and school work together as a team. The earlier you get started, the better too. I hate to say this, but the even school years tend to be the easier ones, so this issue, if left unaddressed, will only get more difficult. I know third graders are expected to be able to read full chapters of books on their own for homework during the year. Plus they have to learn to do more reading of text books. I imagine this would be very frustrating to your son. The sooner you seek help for your son, the better things can go for him as he starts second grade.

Best wishes!

Your husband sounds kind of verbally and physically abusive (slamming his hand). You need to have a serious talk with your husband. His behavior toward your son needs to change. You are the mother, you have to advocate for your son.