Concerned About My 12 Yr Old Daughter

E., I'm going to chime in because I want to help.

Back in the day, when I was thirteen/fourteen or so, I was that kid you are describing. I was thirteen and it was more in the sending notes/private conversations category that I and quite a few of my female peers all were lying to each other about how experienced we were.

What you might want to address is *why* she feels the need to lie. By my freshman year in high school, E., there was a LOT of pressure to have sex-- or sound like you were. One couple who was having sex discussed it openly and seemed very sophisticated. No one even asked if they were using protection or anything. We, like a lot of kids, sort of thought they were cool for doing it and also sort of thought they were playing with fire.

We lied because we wanted to fit in. We had very little idea of what we were actually talking about. We knew what we knew from some books, some gossip-- but not experience. We were young, insecure, and hoped our lies would fill the holes in our lives created by pubescent insecurities.

Please start that conversation, even if it means going to a counselor. You got lucky-- she's only talking about risky behaviors now as a form of social attention-getting. Get some help but don't freak out. FWIW, I was a virgin until I had graduated.Sometimes there's a lot of talk which amounts to nothing.

Sounds to me like she's trying to impress someone... Maybe it's time to lose the smartphone until she can use it with a bit more maturity.

What is the purpose for asking for no more responses? There are many moms on here, some who have been in a situation that is similar and be able to shed more light on the issue.

Don't feel bad about asking the question. I would certainly be worried if my daughter were doing that.

I do think she has an active imagination and is trying to impress people. However, talking about sex and being explicit at that age sends a message that she could be sexually active or looking to be sexually active.

She is at an impressionable age and going through hormone rages as well. You can't choose her friends but you can guide her to make good choices.

I suggest a lot of communication with her. Involve a counselor if you feel the need. Is she doing this to be popular? Does she have low self esteem? Whatever you have to do to find out why she is doing this. What kind of relationship does she have with you and her dad? Hopefully now a more open communication one!

Kids are smart and she'll figure out another way to communicate with her friends with the phone out of her possession. I feel like this is bigger than just taking the phone away from her. You have to do more to figure out WHY she is saying these things and if they are all lies. Maybe, she is just immature for her age and is trying to impress others.

Don't feel guilty about having a date night with your husband. You NEED that time and just because you have date night does not mean you triggered this behavior.

The phone is only one way to communicate. She's telling people she's doing risky things. Have you considered why? Why is she trying to make someone think she's out there participating in sexual things? Why do you think she is trying so hard to sound slutty?

She is around people who could be sexually active. She could be participating in sex already too. Whether it's an intercourse type or an oral type or a make out type.

Kids this age that are doing this stuff are trying to make others think they are just like their peers. I'd manage this very carefully. She is on the brink of making some poor decisions in my opinion.

I lost my virginity at a very young age. I hadn't even had a period yet. The kids next door got to go to the drive in every weekend. The "R" rated movie came on after the PG movie went off. By that time the kids were usually asleep. My neighbors would stay awake and watch the "R" rated movies to watch the sex scenes.

We'd act them out in the backyard and it led to penetration. It was because we were exposed to that even inadvertently.

Your daughter is at risk, I promise you that she is thinking about going all the way and she's thinking about who she'd like to do it with and her "friend" is going to help her by setting it up so they can have private time to do the deed.

SO this goes way deeper than the phone. It goes so deep that taking her phone away won't make any difference.

You need to visit with dad and perhaps a trusted person who's knowledgeable about teen sex and how to teach them what sex is all about. How intimate it is and how it never works out like they think, that it's humiliating when you see them again, how they'll tell everyone what she was like in bed, etc.....

If you talk to her and help her understand that she can keep her self respect and self worth intact until she's much older hopefully she'll be able to decide to not go down this path.

I would lie to my friends all the time when I was 12. I'm very sure they lied to me about their experiences too. When you're 12 you spend a good part of your life trying to be someone you're not, and lying just comes with the territory.

Try to think back to wanting to fit in, or be respected, or just liked by your friends when you were an adolescent. Your friend's opinions can mean *everything*.

I don't think you need to be overly concerned, but good for you for taking the phone when you saw she was using it in a way you thought was inappropriate. Try not to close down the delicate line of communication between you and your daughter by being too judgmental about her lying.

A good way to start of a conversation might be "You know I might have over reacted. It was a long time ago, but I remember being 12 and having an incredible imagination, and I remember how much I wanted my friends to think I was cool. And I remember I did some lying too." You don't have to go back on punishment or taking the phone away, just back off of being "extremely concerned" enough to help her realize she's completely normal and you understand and love her.

I'd have a good long talk with her and I'd consider talking to the neighbors brother and parents too (depends if you think it's true or if you think she's making it all up).
Cut her internet access off (smart phone, computer, what ever).
She can have access for home work purposes when school starts but when home work is finished (computer should ALWAYS be in a public part of the house where everyone can see what she is doing) then the computer gets turned off.
Sign her up for an after school activity and keep her too busy to get into any nonsense.
Some teens you just need to run them ragged to keep them out of trouble.

I think you need to have a calm, supportive, heart-to-heart talk with your daughter about her need to lie, and why she's doing it.

Don't berate her or punish her for it, but tell her she doesn't need to lie to impress people and that people who lie always get caught eventually.

Also, you need to tell her that if she lies about people wanting to have sex with her, she could get them in trouble.

Also, you need to talk to her about sex, if you haven't already.