Comfort/Loss Of Child

HI Wendy! How thoughtful of you to keep in touch with her, especially when it is a difficult situation. My husband and I lost twins right before 9/11 (and we were in NJ at the time). It was extremely hard. I know that people mean well, but there are just certain things that shouldn't be said. The things I remember the most are my friends that were just there. They didn't try and say things to fill in the space or to make it understandable...you'll have more, God wanted them in Heaven, etc...Now I can say that, but then I didn't want to hear it. As true as it is/was, it's too hard to hear at the time. I would just be there for her, you really don't need to say to much except normal things. How are you...tell her about you and what's going on...tell her a joke, tell her you are thinking of her and pray for her (if you do)...let her know you are there for her...to cry, rant, talk, laugh whatever. AGain, just knowing you have someone there means sooo much, that someone is thinking of you. Good luck and I will pray for your friend - I know what a difficult time she is going through. There are also some great books that got me through a very tough time...you could send her one of those. Dealing with loss of a child, when bad things happen to good people, etc. I couldn't read them right away, but I did eventually and they were great. I also received 2 plants...I've never been a plant person, but 7 yrs later, I still have them to represent Justin and Kyle :o)

You sound like you have done quite a bit for your friend. Find a few of those thinking of you ecards and send them at different time with a sincere note from you. Space them a little bit out from now and send them. It's when everything and everyone goes about 3 months out that the pain really sinks in. This is when you need someone.

I haven't lost any kids but I have lost my parents at a young age and it was then when it would have been nice to have someone think of you/me.

You are doing the best you can and she will appreciate it.

When my friend lost her 7-week old, I made cards for the memorial service with plantable paper shapes- some with angels and some with hearts. It is a shaped piece of paper with seeds in it that you can plant. I gave her family more of both shapes so they could plant them in their yard/garden. She loved them! She felt they were such a great way to remember and honor him, especially for her other two children.

We sell these on our site. Here is the link to the plantable papers: www.favoroo.com/index.cfm/Go_Green/fuseaction/ListProduct.... Many of them have a personalization option, where you can choose the card design and wording. But you can have it say anything you want.

Maybe they could plant a garden in his honor, even if you want to just send some packets of seeds with flowers that are easily grown in their area. Mail a letter of sentiment with it, and you may want to look up flower meanings, too. :)

Hi!
I think you must be a great friend to be so concerned for your friend and, in reality, that is probably enough. I lost my baby and my mother in the lat 6 months and what helped me the most was just hanging out with people, talking about normal, everyday life. Sometime's people feel the need to bring up memories of the person who passed, but for me, it only added to my grief. I had my own memories and grief to deal with when I was alone, so when I went out with people, it was nice to take a break from all of that and just have a goood time for awhile. For me, I will never get over losing my baby and my mother, but it has just gotten more familiar over time. I think about them everyday, but each day, it gets easier and easier to have those memories. Include your friend in a good time or send her a funny card every now and then, it will probably help more than you know.

I have not lost a child but one thing I remember when my dad died was that people would call and talk in this "sad" voice - or I would see them in public and they would just keep saying how sorry they were. Maybe it was just me but it got old real quick and my friends would call and just talk about normal things and what was going on in their lives and although I am still healing from his death - I still thank those few friends - they would come by unexpected and take me to lunch or bring me a coke and just sit here and talk to me! Just be normal towards her! If you feel like you need to send a gift (maybe in a couple months) just to let her know you are thinking of her - there are some angels called Willow Tree Angels and they have one that is called the Angel or Remberance or the Angel of Healing - those are simple but get the point across - when I received one when my dad passed away I started collecting them! Hope this helps - sorry it is so forward!

Many years ago when our son, Michael James, died a few days after birth, some friends in our church, The Church of JESUS CHRIST of latter-day Saints, bought a book and inscribed it, In Memory of Michael James Cook, 6/29/73-7/2/73, Son of Larry and G. Cook, and donated it to the Church's college (BYU University). We received a thankyou from the college and a pic of the dedication page with the books title. It was so cool to think that whenever that book was checked out someone would see our sweet son's name. That meant a lot to us.

I think the most important thing is to be there for her as a friend. As time goes on, I sometimes think that people feel like they are supposed to "get over" having lost a child (as though that is ever possible!) and they feel like people forget or that their pain is less important now that time has gone by. Remembering her pain for the long haul will do wonders, I think. Even if you don't know what to say, saying "I don't know exactly what to say, I just want you to know how much we think about you and all you are going through." will do wonders for her. It's important to not feel forgotten. Just sending little "thinking of you" notes will do great. Even if you don't always mention her child that died. Wow, what a tragic experience for them! How thoughtful of you to want to be there for her.